9 MP3 Audio clips from Season 3 of Big Mouth (2017)

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The girls are staging a protest against the school's decision to introduce a uniform. They're dressed provocatively and Mr. Lizer is NOT happy about it. Or is he?

Terry Lizer

Well, well, well... looks like the girls have "gone wild" as they say.

Jessi

We're protesting your sexist dress code.

Terry Lizer

And because of that, guess what? You all just got yourselves detention after school. My classroom, girls. Do not change clothes.

Lola

We're not girls. We're ladies.

[Clearly unfamiliar with walking in high heels, LOLA crumples to the floor clutching her ankle]

FU*K! MY C*CK-SUCKING ANKLE!

Maurice is insatiable in the worst possible way. And who knew that a Hormone Monster would have access to an iPhone? Poor Siri. Poor, poor Siri.

Maurice

Siri, find "fu*kable magma" near me.

Siri

Did you mean, "edible smegma"?

Maurice

NO! But, you know... bookmark that.

Missy is writing a fantasy novel which Jay inadvertently gets his hands on. Missy doesn't like her privacy being invaded. Jay doesn't like over-reaction. Allegedly.

Jay

Now... if we just look in Missy's old-timey notebook here...

[He finds the card he just made disappear amongst its pages]

Holy sh*t! I did it!

Missy

Gaia dang it, Jay... this is my private property.

Jay

Missy... calm down. It's just a stupid notebook. STOP OVERREACTING OR I'LL FU*KING... KILL... YOU!

Nick has accompanied the Glouberman family for Spring Break in Florida. The weather isn't quite what he was expecting.

Nick

Oh, I can't believe it's hailing.

Andrew

Yep, just when you think Florida can't get any worse, it rips out its belly-button ring and punches you in the face with it!

Cherry is Andrew's first cousin. And she's coming on to him. He's confused. Luckily, Maurice is around to be his moral compass. Sadly, Maurice has a pretty warped view of incest.

Maurice

[Crouching in the bath]

You know, if you do take a bath with Cherry, you gotta do it in here. Non-slide surface, a safety rail... you could really jackhammer your blood relative in here.

Andrew

I'm not gonna jackhammer Cherry. Nick's right. This whole thing is too weird.

Maurice

Oh, please... we're talking about kissing your cousin, not shtupping your sister.

Andrew

I don't have a sister.

Maurice

Exactly... we've only got the cousin. Let's work with what we've got.

Jay is getting along with Duke Ellington rather too well for Nick's liking. He feels a little jealous. Briefly.

Jay

Did you know that Duke was a prankster?

Duke Ellington

I once took a very important screw out of Buddy Holly's plane.

[Laughs]

Up top!

[He and JAY high-five]

Nick

Duke... why didn't you ever tell me that story?

Duke Ellington

You never asked. You only ever wanna talk about yourself.

Jay

Typical Nick.

Duke Ellington

[Singing]

He's a selfish little pr**k. And his name is Nick.

Jay

[Singing]

And he's got a sweet pair of d*ck sucking lips.

Duke Ellington

[Laughs]

He really does!

Nick

Hey, guys? Nobody likes to be objectified. Do better.

Duke Ellington

What? You can't compliment a child on his d*ck sucking lips anymore?

Jay has booked a stripper for DeVon's bachelor party. Only she's a little too young and her idea of dancing is not quite what he intended.

Jay

My special surprise has arrived. DeVon? I got you... A MOTHER-FU*KING STRIPPER!

Maurice

[Chanting]

Jay, Jay, Jay! Why is nobody cheering with me?

[The CHILD starts playing music from a portable stereo and starts "flossing"]

Jay

The fu*k? She told me she was a dancer! Ahhhhhhh, boy... I get it now.

Nick

Jesus, Jay... she's a child!

Jay

What do you want? Some saggy-ass twenty-year-old?

Nick

[To CHILD]

Sweetheart? How old are you?

[The CHILD holds up the fingers on both of her hands]

Oh my God, that's all of her fingers, Jay. She's eight!

Jessi is congratulating Jay on bravely coming out as bisexual. Anyone normal would be flattered but he reads way too much into what she says.

Jessi

Coming out is hard. And you should be proud.

Jay

Thanks. Look, I'm pretty good at reading people and I think what you're saying is you wanna squeeze my dong so hard that I sh*t myself?

Jessi

Or... we could just dance?

Jay

Okay! Great compromise!

Jay has been selling Adderall to his fellow students to "help" them with their tests. He's feeling pretty good about his entrepreneurial flare.

Jay

[Cycling out of the school]

Wooohooo! Tests rule! I'm like Young Sheldon. If he fu*ked!