19 MP3 Audio clips from Dumb and Dumber (1994)

PLAY ALL 19 CLIPS

Clip 1

Lloyd, pretending to be the passenger of his limo as opposed to the driver, stops to ask for pointless directions from a very pretty girl. She Austrian. AUSTRIAN.

Lloyd

That's a lovely accent you have. New Jersey?

Girl

Austria.

Lloyd

Austria?

[Laughs]

Well then... G'day, mate.

[Laughs]

Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!

Clip 2

One of Lloyd's catchphrases might just make a great message tone. Not sure who you'd use it for or under what circumstances but hey, you're welcome!

Lloyd

Suck me sideways!

Clip 3

Lloyd has managed to lock his wallet inside a newspaper vending machine. He needs a coin to release it. He doesn't have any. But perhaps this passing old lady will have...

Lloyd

Do you have change of a dollar?

Old Lady

Change? No. I'm sorry, I don't.

Lloyd

Oh, well... uh, could you do me a favour and watch my stuff here while I go break a dollar?

Old Lady

Of course.

Lloyd

Thanks. Hey, I guess they're right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me!

Clip 4

Harry's parakeet, Petie has been murdered by a henchman who's now after the pair. Harry, however, mistakes the mechanism of death for natural causes.

Harry

Gets worse, Lloyd. My parakeet, Petie?

Lloyd

Yeah?

Harry

He's dead.

Lloyd

Oh. Oh, man. Sorry, Harry. What happened?

Harry

His head fell off!

Lloyd

[Whispering]

His head fell off?

Harry

Yeah. He was pretty old.

Clip 5

Harry and Lloyd are on a tight budget. Every cent must be accounted for. But somehow, Lloyd managed to find an extra twenty-five bucks. Selling a dead bird to a blind kid. Yeah. Really.

Harry

Where did you get twenty-five extra bucks?

Lloyd

I sold some stuff... to Billy in 4C.

Harry

The blind kid?

Lloyd

[Laughing]

Yeah! Yeah.

Harry

What did you sell him, Lloyd?

Lloyd

Stuff.

Harry

What kind of stuff?

Lloyd

I don't know... few baseball cards, sack of marbles...

[Coughs]

Petie.

Harry

Petie? You sold my dead bird to a blind kid? Lloyd, wh... wh... Petie didn't even have a head!

Lloyd

Harry... I took care of it.

[Cut to BLIND BOY in a wheelchair holding and stroking a parakeet whose head has been clumsily taped back on]

Billy

Pretty bird! Yeah, can you say "pretty bird"? Pretty bird. Yes. Pretty bird. Pretty bird. Polly wanna cracker?

Clip 6

Lloyd has just scammed a huge Hillbilly curiously named "Seabass" at a roadside diner. He and Harry are making good their escape in the dog truck.

Harry

That was genius, Lloyd. Sheer genius. Where did you come up with a scam like that?

Lloyd

Saw it in a movie once.

Harry

[Laughs]

That was incredible. So what happened? So the guy tricked some sucker into picking up his tab and gets away with it scott-free?

Lloyd

No. In the movie, they catch up to him half mile down the road and slit his throat. It was a good one!

[HARRY steps on the gas to put more distance between them and SEABASS]

Clip 7

Speeding away from Seabass has attracted the attention of local law enforcement. They've been pulled over. Lloyd has been urinating into empty beer bottles and they're scattered all over the cab.

Cop

Licence and registration, please. You fellas were goin' a little fast back there, wouldn't you say?

[He notices the beer bottles]

You, uh... you fellas been doin' a bit of boozin' have you? Suckin' back on Grandpa's old cough medicine?

Harry

No. Oh no, sir.

Cop

Yeah. Well what's that?

Harry

That's nothing, sir.

Lloyd

Yeah. Nothing.

Harry

Yeah.

Cop

Well, uh... you aware that, uh... it's against the law to have an open alcohol container here in the state of Pennsylvania? Come on... give me that booze you little pumpkin-pie-haircutted freak. Come on!

[The COP raises the bottle to his lips to drink]

Harry

Sir, no, w... w... w... w...

Lloyd

No, sir. Don't drink.

Cop

You'd keep your mouths shut if you knew what was good for you, buddy.

[The COP takes a swig from the bottle and reacts violently to the warm urine he's just ingested]

Harry

Tic Tac, sir?

Cop

Get the hell out of here!

[As LLOYD and HARRY drive away, he doubles over and begins to vomit]

Clip 8

Lloyd and Harry have stopped for the night in a seedy motel and are now sharing a heart-shaped hot tub listening to their neighbours having noisy sex through the wall.

Lloyd

This is the life. Cold beer, a hot tub and paper-thin walls.

[Laughs]

There's only one thing that could make this moment any better.

Harry

What's that?

Lloyd

If you had a nice set of knockers.

Harry

[Laughs]

That's two things, Lloyd.

Lloyd

[Laughs]

Yeah, well. It's a good thing you're not stacked here or I'd be bangin' you right now.

[Laughs]

I'd show you what a real man can do. Split you like an old piece of firewood.

Clip 9

Some people have no patience. Remember the good old days of the payphone? There was always SOMEONE pacing around, trying to hurry you up. Joe is a mobster. He doesn't like being hurried.

Business Man

Sir? Did you ever hear of the concept of other people? Um... me being that for the phone? Sir?

[JOE turns his back to him]

Business Man

You turned your back on me. Hooooo! He got me mad. I almost like it!

Joe

What I would -

[The BUSINESSMAN resumes pounding on the glass of the phone booth, speaking in rhythm]

Business Man

I... could... do... to... you...'cos...

[JOE beckons the BUSINESSMAN closer to the glass on the premise of being unable to hear him]

Get OFF the phone.

[JOE mimes being unable to hear him]

Get OFF the ph -

[JOE punches through the glass, knocking the BUSINESSMAN unconscious and sending him careering to the ground]

Clip 10

Joe has posed as a man whose car has broken down and has now caught a lift with Harry and Lloyd. Poor sod. He didn't know what he was letting himself in for!

Lloyd

Hey! Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?

[LLOYD begins screaming in JOE'S right ear and is soon joined by HARRY in his left]

Joe

GUYS! GUYS! GUYS!

Clip 11

Lloyd has accidentally taken a wrong turn and has headed away from Aspen towards Lincoln, Nebraska. It's starting to dawn on them that they may be lost.

Harry

Huh! I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.

Lloyd

I was thinkin' the same thing. That John Denver's full of sh*t, man!

Clip 12

They've made it to Aspen and pass a couple on the sidewalk. The "rear" of the woman catches Harry's eye. Lloyd, as usual, misunderstands.

Harry

Ho! Jeez... look at the butt on that.

Lloyd

Yeah, he must work out.

Clip 13

Perhaps Lloyd should have looked Mary up BEFORE landing in Aspen. He has no idea of her address OR her second name. Great start.

Lloyd

Hey! Why don't we get busy and deliver the briefcase to Mary? If I know her as well as I think I do, she'll invite us right in for tea and strumpets.

Harry

Good plan. Where's she live?

Lloyd

I dunno.

Harry

What's her last name? I'll look it up.

[HARRY begins flicking through the pages of a phone book]

Lloyd

Uh... you know, I don't really recall. Starts with an S. Swim, Swammy, Slippy, Slappy, Slimmin, Salmon, Simmon, Swan, Swenson, Swanson?

Harry

Maybe it's on the briefcase. Look on the...

Lloyd

Oh, yeah! It's right here. Samsonite. I was way off. Knew it started with an S, though.

Clip 14

That old fashioned romantic feeling. Butterflies, nervous energy, clumsiness... No. Not according to Lloyd.

Lloyd

I'm ready for a commitment, Harry. First time I set eyes on Mary Swanson, I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling. Where I'd do anything to bone her.

Harry

That's a special feeling, Lloyd.

Clip 15

Rapier. The word is "Rapier" Rapist is a very different kettle of fish. Shame Lloyd doesn't realise that!

Lloyd

I have an idea. Why don't you go over and introduce yourself? That way, you can build me up so I won't have to brag about myself later. Tell her I'm rich and, uh... and good looking and, uh... I have a rapist wit.

Clip 16

This probably wasn't quite what Lloyd had in mind when he suggested that Harry schmooze Mary on his behalf.

Harry

One time, we successfully mated a Bulldog with a Shih Tzu.

Mary

Really? That's weird.

Harry

Yeah. We... we called it a Bullsh*t!

[Laughs hysterically]

Clip 17

Harry has just dared to suggest that perhaps Mary isn't the right girl for Lloyd and that perhaps it's not meant to be. Lloyd doesn't take this kind of opinion lightly.

Lloyd

HEY! DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT AGAIN. She is the LOVE OF MY LIFE. THE BLOOD IN MY VEINS. WE BELONG TOGETHER. 'TIL THE MOUNTAINS FALL INTO THE SEA, 'TIL THE HEAVENS COLLIDE... or until I get sick of her and need to move on!

Clip 18

Lloyd is rehearsing what he's about to say to Mary when she comes out of the bathroom. And when she does, that rehearsal really pays off. Obviously.

Lloyd

I'm crazy about you. I've never felt this way about anybody.

[Laughs]

Listen to me... I feel like... a schoolboy again. A schoolboy who desperately wants to make sweet, sweet love to you.

[He begins miming holding her head in his hand and kissing her lips]

[MARY suddenly comes out of the bathroom, interrupting LLOYD'S spirited rehearsal]

Mary

Oh. I thought I heard you talking to someone.

Lloyd

Mary. I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy.

Clip 19

The Hawaiian Tropic tour bus has just pulled up beside a stranded Harry and Lloyd. Could this be a stroke of good luck at long last?

Bikini Babe 1

Hi, y'all.

Bikini Babe 2

Hey, guys! We're going on a national bikini tour and we're looking for two oil boys who can grease us up before each competition.

Harry

You are in LUCK! There's a town about three miles that way. I'm sure you'll find a couple of guys there!

[Editor's Note: I apologise for my use of the phrase "Bikini Babe" but I'm not sure what else I can possibly call the ladies on the Hawaiian Tropic bus!]