20 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of Mongrels (2010)

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Marion lived with Margaret, a loving and kind owner. Until she took a nasty spill down the stairs and broke her neck, that is.

Margaret

Are you my special little babba?

Marion

Margaret, my silver-haired princess... I am anything you want me to be.

Margaret

Oh, there's a clever little babba.

Marion

And okay, I'm not your first cat. I have come to terms with this. There'll always be a place in your heart for Mister Whiskers... the tabby-coloured c*ck-sucker. But as I feel like a kitten again, and I really think you could be the -

Margaret

[Trips over the length of wool MARION was playing with and falls head-first down the stairs, screaming]

Marion

Margaret! Margaret! MARGARET!

Destiny is at a "Doggy Dance Class" (yep, they exist) but really isn't happy about it. She's a pedigree breed, better than the subordinate canines all around her.

Destiny

Look at these losers! Seriously, most people have to fly a plane into a building before they're surrounded by this many virgins!

Marion is masquerading as "Chopsticks", a local cat gone missing and enjoying the spoils of having an owner again. There's only one slight problem...

Destiny

Marion... what are you on about?

Marion

Uh, it is Ruth. Uh, she wants me to have a little trim downstairs. So I thought, "you know... why not?"

Nelson

Why not? Well it's not like getting a haircut. They don't just grow back.

Marion

I knew that!

[To himself]

I didn't know that.

Kali

I say go for it. You know, you can achieve a hell of a lot in life without any testicles.

[Cut to concert venue]

Announcer

Ladies and gentlemen... Michael Bublé!

Nelson is about to play Boggle with his girlfriend, a chicken. I know, right? Anyway, I'm pretty sure that Anne Frank was betrayed and the Nazis didn't find her because she was playing Yahtzee.

[NELSON shakes the Boggle Box]

Vince

Nelson... are you playing Boggle without me?

Nelson

[Gasps]

Vince! Damn you, Boggle. Have I learned nothing from the cautionary tale of Anne Frank?

[Cut to B&W footage of a Nazi soldier and his dog searching a building. They reach a bookcase when...]

[A dice is heard being thrown]

Anne Frank

YAHTZEE!

[THE DOG turns to look into the camera]

Destiny has swapped her dance classes for an obedience class. She's somewhat bemused by the control the trainer has over the seemingly disobedient and rebellious animals in her charge.

Dog Trainer

Good dogs.

Dogs

I am a good dog.

Dog Trainer

Beg.

Dogs

I beg you, master.

Dog Trainer

Play dead.

Dogs

Hello! I'm Richard Whiteley.

[They fall forwards onto their faces as though suddenly dead]

Marion is stuck up a tree. It's such a cliché. Luckily, Kali is there to keep him company until he is rescued.

Marion

Oh God, Kali. I'm a cat and I'm stuck up a tree. I'm such a cliché.

Kali

You totally are.

[A ladder appears in shot]

Marion

Luckily, this friendly fireman is here to save me. For if there's one thing firemen like spending their precious time doing, it's saving cats from -

Fireman

Come here, twat.

Vince hasn't been around for a while. Truth be told, he's become a father. But unlike most fathers, he has absolutely no affection for his offspring at all. He thinks they're all c*nts.

Vince

Morning, fu*kers!

Nelson

Vince! Long bloody time, no ruddy bloody see.

Vince

Been busy with the ol' family thing.

Nelson

Family?

Vince

You know, the slag I was seeing. The one with the pu**y like an aircraft hangar?

Nelson

[Pause]

Oh, Marjorie.

Vince

She had a litter. Six of the little c*nts.

Nelson

I think the word you're looking for is "cubs".

Vince

Sorry, sorry... yeah. Six of the little c*nts.

Marion is in love. With a kitten. A three-week-old kitten. It makes me sick. And I'm not the only one. It's enough to make verminous rodents lose their lunch. Good job he was neutered, eh folks?!

♪

Marion

The law says today, I can't be with you,

Lollipop

But tomorrow we can do whatever we want to do.

Marion

I can love you...

Lollipop

Oh, yes!

Marion

And you can love me

Duet

Thanks to the Sexual Offences Act, 2003.

Lollipip

One day you're a paedo,

Marion

And you're my jail bait.

Lollipop

Next day you're my sweetheart.

Marion

And it's suddenly legal to mate.

Duet

What a difference a day makes, just can't wait 'til the dawn breaks,

Marion

Right now you can't handle the love of a man,

Lollipop

But from tomorrow you can give it me as hard as you can!

Duet

What a difference a day makes.

Marion

One day I'm a pervert,

Lollipop

And I've still got my virginity,

Duet

But in less than fifteen hours it's a legal technicality.

Lollipop

[Spoken]

Actually, I'm not a virgin.

Duet

What a difference a day makes.

Then we can legally fornicate.

I'd never dream of breaking the law today but tomorrow it's my right to do you every which way.

What a difference a day makes.

Lollipop

[Spoken]

Let's elope together. I can be your fiancée.

Marion

[Spoken]

Maybe not.

Duet

What a difference a day makes.

[As the music fades, two RATS are vomiting violently as a result of what they've just witnessed]

Vince has been duped into taking Nelson's place on Springwatch. Little does he know that other foxes are planning to kill him on camera.

[Two FOXES jump into shot and violently attack VINCE, thinking that he's NELSON]

Vince

Oi! Get your filthy claws off me.

Fox

Hang on... you're not Nelson.

Vince

Right! You asked for this, you fu*king c*ck garage!

[VINCE fights back, tearing the two subordinate FOXES limb from limb]

Nelson

[To camera]

Okay, now that's just homophobic.

Almost in the words of Katy Perry, Kali kissed a girl and she liked it. Kali thought a hunky crow might make the perfect mate. But it was a female. And a gay female at that. Oops!

Cassandra

Kali, just hear me out. See, ever since we kissed -

Destiny

Hold up! Hold up!

[Laughs]

Lesbianism?

Kali

Okay, okay, you try telling a male crow from a female one. It's like playing "Spot the Belgian" at an international incest convention!

Nelson has become incarcerated at a local petting zoo. Luckily, there is a team who can help. If you need help, if you can find them, maybe you can hire... Animals of Courage!

Leader

Target... is urban fox. Reddish hair, approximately two foot four, answers to Nelson.

[He holds up a photograph of NELSON in drag]

Also, "The Divine Miss Vulpine". Animals of Courage, do we know our battle plan? Bernie?

Bernie

I get us in the gate.

Leader

Bobby.

Bobby

I take out the alarm.

Leader

Vince.

Vince

I get the guard, right? And I fu*k him up, like proper beat the sh*t out of 'im. Then, right... I get my c*ck and I ram it down his throat. See how he likes being fu*ked like a Spanish choirboy!

Destiny has been entered for the most famous dog competition in the world. No, not Crufts. The Isle of Dogs Pub Owner's Association Dog Competition. Yeah. That!

Destiny

Gary's just tidying the garden to keep me clean for the competition. Rat poison, mole traps, a squirrel demoraliser.

Nelson

A what?

[Cut to treetop scene. A CUTE SQUIRREL approaches a tasty looking nut]

Squirrel

Oh, a lovely nut.

[She opens the shell and the nut begins to play a recorded message]

Nut

All your friends hate you.

Nelson has gone to a local refuse site to rescue Marion. There, he sees a vision of beauty. A girl so amazing she steals his breath as well as his heart. Or is it just that she's in heat?

[Music: I Want to Know What Love Is by Foreigner]

Nelson

[Seeing a female fox across the dump]

Princess Michael of Kent! Isn't that just the most beautiful sight on Earth?

Marion

That skanky fox?

Nelson

If by "skanky" you mean heart-stoppingly gorgeous, then YES!

Marion

Nelson, she's rank.

Nelson

If by "rank" you mean beguiling, then YES!

Marion

She's picking lice out of her own ass and eating them.

Nelson

If by "picking lice out of her own a -" Ahhh. So she is. A lot of people couldn't carry that off.

Nelson has fallen hook, line and sinker for Sandra; his flame-haired goddess. Just one problem. Sandra is his sister. Yes. His actual sister. Will that stop him? Hmm...

Sandra

Awright, Dad?

Nelson's Father

Oh, Jesus!

Nelson

Oh, well isn't that lovely? She's calling you Dad already.

Nelson's Father

Yes, because I am her Dad. She's your sister.

Nelson

WHAT?! Now you mention it, I thought she looked familiar. Brother and sister?

Nelson's Father

You know what this means don't you, son?

Nelson

Yes. I do. This makes our relationship... absolutely bloody PERFECT! Don't you see? No arguments over where to spend Christmas!

Nelson's Father

She's on heat, son. You'll regret this the moment she comes orf.

Nelson

That's not true. And I'll prove it. Dad... I'd like to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage.

Nelson's Father

I feel sick.

Nelson

Is that a yes?

Nelson's Father

No. It's a no, son. It's against God and nature and if you've got a scrap of sense in that head of yours, you won't do this.

[Cue Music: The Wedding March]

Kali has been injured by spikes erected in the garden by Gary, Destiny's owner. She's come to see how Kali is doing and finds that she's certainly eating very well.

Destiny

Hello, Kali!

Kali

What? What are you lookin' at? Have I got something on my beak?

Destiny

Nothing on your beak. A tiny little something on your hips.

Kali

[Looking at her own reflection in a mirror that DESTINY holds up]

Oh... my... DAYS!

Destiny

So, yeah. You're massive.

Kali

Nah, nah, nah... hold up. It must be the mirror or something.

Destiny

It's not the mirror that's the problem. It's your ass!

Sandra has been "squished" and is laying motionless in a pool of her own blood and intestines. Nelson is beside himself. Kali is hungry.

Kali

Yeah, I'm just gonna come right out and say this. Do you mind if I eat your dead wife?

Nelson

Fine. Go ahead. It's probably what she would've wanted.

Destiny has a new beau. Laddie. He's a sheepdog, has his own flock but the potential is far outweighed by his controlling nature.

Destiny

Better go get groomed. Laddie's coming over in a bit.

Marion

Another new boyfriend?

Destiny

Uh huh!

Kali

My my, Destiny. You are some kind of slag.

Destiny

Oi! I totally thought this was the one, y'know? He's a sheepdog, got his own flock... but GOD, he's always telling me what to do!

[Cut to countryside scene]

Laddie

Come by! Come by! Come by my place we'll watch the Beethoven trilogy. Don't wear that collar, it's too tarty... makes you look like a whore... now away! Away! Away!

Vince is dying. It's not often that he bares his soul but today, he opens his heart to Nelson. And Nelson couldn't be more honoured.

Vince

Nelson, something I want you to know. If I die...

Nelson

Oi! Now don't you go getting all mushy on me, Vince.

Vince

... I'm gonna come back as a spirit and rape you. Like in that film, Ghost.

Nelson

Yeah... pretty sure that's not what happens.

Vince

'Til then... run my patch for me?

Nelson

Run your patch? Vince, I would be abso-bloody-lutely honoured.

Vince

Look after my manor. Or I will bum you... literally to death.

[With a sickeningly wet choking sound, VINCE falls unconscious]

Nelson is caretaking Vince's manor. He's discovered that Vince has at least three animal slaves. Two to clean and one to, er... well, I'll let the poor little bugger tell you himself. No pun intended.

Nelson

Holy Fritzl! So this is how Vince keeps his place looking so nice.

Rabbit

He... he... he only keeps us alive so he can eat us.

Mole

Or make us do his gardening.

Fox

Or hold us down and then bum us.

[There's an awkward silence during which THE FOX realises not everyone is treated in this manner]

Just me? Seriously? Actually I'm kinda flattered.

Destiny has a new job. A modelling job. Kali is less than optimistic about her prospects and believes that she'll end up making... is this actually a thing? Dog Porn? Seriously?!

Destiny

So I got a new job. Glamour model.

Kali

Don't tell me... bloke in the park, says he can make you famous.

Destiny

Maybe.

Kali

And as he spoke to you, just how furiously was he masturbating?

Destiny

Kali, if I get this gig it could lead to all sorts of other stuff.

Kali

Mmmm. Dog porn!

Destiny

Acting.

Kali

Dog porn.

Destiny

Charity work.

Kali

Dog porn.

Destiny

I could do one of those adverts!

[Cut to slow motion B&W footage of the kind used by animal charities. DESTINY appears full frame among detritus. The logo is RSPCD, a clever take on the RSPCA. Solemn piano music plays]

Destiny

[Voiceover] I am cold and wet. Will you give just two pounds a month to find me a new home? Come on, Grandma. Two quid. You can afford it. Maybe turn the heating down a bar. Because if you don't... I'll die...

[DESTINY'S eyes become colourised red, in stark contrast to her fur and the B&W surroundings]

...and I'll be waiting for you. Waiting in HELL! Not long now, Grandma.

[Fade back to garden]

Kali

Or... some dog porn.