16 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of Mongrels (2010)

PLAY ALL 36 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Destiny didn't like her owner's new girlfriend, Tara. In fact, so intense was her dislike that she formulated a plan to get rid of her.

Destiny

Gary and Tara finally split up!

Nelson

What happened?

Destiny

Well, you know in fairy-tales where the daughter wants to stop her Dad marrying the evil stepmother? So the daughter hatches a cunning plan to keep shouting "whore!" in the stepmother's face until she leaves?

[Cut to: INT Living Room. GARY and TARA are sat on a sofa watching TV. DESTINY continually bounces up and down behind the sofa, shouting each time she comes into shot]

Destiny

Whore! Whore! Whore! Whore! Whore! Whore!

Gary

She's just excited to meet you. She'll get bored eventually.

Destiny

[V/O]

But I never did! WHOOORRRRRRRRE!

Rory is a Beagle. A Beagle who's developed a rather nasty respiratory disease from years of smoking. He wants Nelson to euthanize him. Marion is just tired.

Rory

Turns out you were right about the cigarettes. I've got Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease and the progno isn't great.

Nelson

Oh, God!

Marion

[Yawns].

Oh, no... sorry. All that fake yawning got me started

Rory

The badgers are telling me there's no way back, um... I'm dying, Nelson.

Marion

Would anyone mind if I just dozed? Sorry. It's a catnap thing.

Rory

That's why I'm here. I... I need... I need you to kill me.

Nelson

[Gasps]

You can't be serious.

Rory

It would be an act of mercy.

Marion

[Now snoring loudly and resonantly]

Rory

Your mate's a pr**k, you know that?

Destiny is now a customer of an elite V.I.P. dog walking service. She feels inadequate and decides to tell a little white lie concerning the identity of her owner.

Kate Thornton's Dog

Who's your owner?

Destiny

Um... uh, Cuba Gooding Jr., actually.

Kate Thornton's Dog

Hollywood's Cuba Gooding Jr.?

Destiny

I'm his London dog. Yep. Cuba Gooding Jr.'s London dog.

Claudia Winkleman's Dog

Wow! What's he like?

Destiny

Cuba? Oh, he's like Marmite. By which I mean he's black and I hate him!

Kali is having a session with her Psychotherapist. He wants to delve into her feelings toward her mother. And then instantly regrets it.

Badger

Now, I asked you to make me a picture that summed up your feelings towards your mother.

Kali

Oh...

[She pulls a drawing out from under her wing and shows it to him]

Badger

Wow! Ho! Now, that is certainly a very angry looking vagina.

Destiny has worked out how to keep John Terry's dog interested. All she needs is her psychology book.

Destiny

This psychology book is all I need to win over John Terry's dog.

[She begins smacking JOHN TERRY'S DOG around the head with the book]

Scum! Scum! Scum! Scum! Scum! Scum! Scum! Scum! Scum! Scum! Scum! Scum! Scum! Now... don't EVER make me do that to you again, you NAUGHTY boy!

John Terry's Dog

You've got the most amazing eyes.

Destiny

Oh! Do you really think so? SHUT UP!

[She knocks him out]

Nelson and Kali are in Arundel, West Sussex on the trail of a hound who killed his grandfather.

Nelson

Murray Mint?

Kali

[Whispering]

I'm not gay.

You remember the case of Roul Moat, right? The guy who shot PC David Rathband? And who Paul Gascoigne thought might like some KFC?

Vince

Been a while since I was under siege. Oh! Tell a lie. Summer of 2010.

[Cut to: Woodland scene]

So, Paul. Let me get this straight. I go mental, shoot some people, end up surrounded by armed police in the middle of a field and you think, "I know... I'll take him down a fishing rod and a piece of fu*king fried chicken!"

[A gunshot rings out as VINCE shoots GAZZA]

Vince does a great impression of Tommy from Goodfellas when Marion tells him that he's funny.

Vince

I'll tell you who else I'd like to fu*k and then eat, yeah? That Cassandra from Only Fools and Horses. Call me Rodney you dirty b**ch!

[Laughs]

Marion

Oh, Vincent. You're a funny guy.

Vince

What d'ya mean I'm funny? How am I funny? Funny... how?

Marion

No, it's... it's just... you're funny.

Vince

What, I amuse you? Hmm? Funny how? How the fu*k am I funny? What do you mean I'm funny? What, I'm funny like a c*nt?

Mole

Actually, Vince the line is "funny like a clown."

Badger

He's right. Technically there's nothing funny about c*nts.

Vince

Two words. Jimmy... Carr.

Remember The Brittas Empire? That god-awful sitcom starring Chris Barrie as Gordon Brittas? Imagine if Vince played the title role...

Colin

Mr. Vincent, Mr. Vincent... there's been an accident.

Vince

Calm down, Colin. Whatever it is, I'm sure we can fix it.

Colin

I ordered too much lemonade for the vending machine and now -

Vince

You WHAT? You absolute [clockwinder]. In all my years of working in this [monkey farming] place, I've never come across such a total pain in the [neck]. I mean, [for Frank's sake] you complete and utter [cheeky cheeky cheeky] grade A [clam].

An African Pigeon has stolen Kali's perch. Not that Nelson knew that said pigeon was African. Had he known, he might have been more accomodating.

Nelson

Uh, sorry, mate. That's actually Kali's perch. So... if you don't mind... uh... moving on.

Pigeon

Oh, just because I'm an African, you don't want me in your garden. Well, I know my rights. I migrated to the UK and I'm -

Nelson

You're a migrant? Oh, why didn't you just say? Ruddy bloody welcome. Oh, we love Africans don't we guys?

Marion

Absolutely.

Destiny

Not really.

Marion

Some of our best friends are Africans. By which I mean none of our best friends are Africans. We don't even know any Africans and we're worried we're racist. Hello!

Nelson has, erm... schtupped Vince's mum. Accidentally, of course. Had he known she was the mother of a psychopath, he'd probably have kept it in his pants. If he had any. But he's a fox.

Vince

COME 'ERE!

Nelson

Please. I had no idea who she was, I swear.

Vince

You dirty and quite literal mother fu*ker.

Vince's Mum

WILL YOU STOP SWEARING?

Vince

Sorry, Mum.

Vince's Mum

Honestly, Vincent. Have you been hanging around with Danny again?

Vince

No!

[EXT: Bus Stop. DANNY DYER is approached by VINCENT]

Vince

Danny me old c*ck sucker!

Danny Dyer

Vince, you big c*nt!

Vince

Mate, it's been too fu*king long!

Danny Dyer

Too fu*king right it's been too fu*king long!

Vince

So what you been up to you 'ansome old c*nt?

Danny Dyer

Ahhh, I've just been makin' fu*king movies, I'm a fu*king actor ain't I? How 'bout you?

Vince

Ah, same old... same old. Bit o' killin', bit o' fu*king.

Danny Dyer

You fu*king legend.

Vince

I've fu*king missed you, you stupid c*nt. We should do this more fu*king often, mate.

Danny Dyer

Stop it! You soppy c*nt.

Vince

Did you just call me a soppy c*nt?

Danny Dyer

No, Vince. Now, now... listen...

[VINCE attacks DANNY DYER and we cut back to NELSON'S den]

Vince's Mum

And okay, it was unfortunate you walked in when you did.

Vince

You swear you were just tickle fighting?

Nelson

Oh, absolutely.

Vince

SHUT UP!

It's Vince's wedding day. Nelson is Best Man. He's done it all. Including the table plan. But you can't please all the people all of the time. Or, in Destiny's case, ever.

Destiny

Anyway, Nelson. If you did the table plan how come you stuck me with the freaks? Tim and Nobby and that stupid sheep what talks like Laurence Fishburne?

Lamb

I happen to be a lamb, madam and I talk like MORGAN GODDAM FREEMAN!

Nelson

Destiny, there's a perfectly good reason you're all sat here. This is the singles table.

Destiny

SINGLES TABLE? Nelson, I'm not single, you clown's foreskin.

Nelson

You're not?

Destiny

Of course I've got a boyfriend. GOD! In fact no, tell you what actually, right, yeah. No, actually... I'm gonna go call him now. Bring him down here. Singles table. NOB!

It's the episode's big musical number. You don't get lyrics like this in My Fair Lady, I can tell you. It would be a very different show if you did.

♪

Vince

From Milwall to the Albert Dock there's one thing plain to see,
In this entire Borough there's no bastard bad as me.
I guess it ain't a big surprise that I have got no friends,

Nelson

Well it was you that had your stag-do ethnically cleansed.

Vince

When I was a little cub my Grandma said to me,

Vince's Grandma

Please, son put the gun down you can have all my money.

Vince

Silly cow, she kept her savings underneath the bed,
So I nicked her fu*king pension book and shot her in the head.

(CHORUS)
He robbed me,
Knifed me,
Shot me,
He poured acid down my throat.
He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt.
He took me to Oxford and abused me in a punt.
I think that we all agree he is a massive -

Nelson

Um-diddle-ittl-um-diddle-aye, um-diddle-diddle-ittl-um.
Um-diddle-ittl-um-diddle-aye, um-diddle-diddle-ittl-um.

Vince

You've gotta give me credit, though for keeping our streets clean,
I'm on the Atkins Diet so I'm eatin' tramps and queens.

Nelson

Why don't you join the BNP? I think you'd fit in fine.

Vince

You must be fu*king joking, I know where to draw the line!

(CHORUS)

Nelson

Um-diddle-ittl-um-diddle-aye, um-diddle-diddle-ittl-um.

Vince

Remember when we first met on that night out in the park,

Bride

You were so romantic, I just felt an instant spark.

Vince

If I'm being honest that spark was a taser gun,
I knocked you unconscious then I had my bit of fun!

(CHORUS)

Ensemble

Ooooooooooohhhhhhh!

(ALT. CHORUS)
He robbed me,
Knifed me,
Shot me,
He poured acid down my throat.
He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt.
He anally invaded me as a publicity stunt.
I think that we all agree he is a massive c*nt.

Vince

I'm a c*nt!

How often do you actually read a EULA? I don't. But knowing that this can happen, I might start from now on.

Nelson

Oh, Goddammit, Nelson... always read the small print.

[Cut to: Night scene - NELSON is working on a laptop computer]

Hmm. iTunes version 10.4, terms and conditions... oh I'm sure they're fine. And... accept.

[The GRIM REAPER appears in a blinding flash of light and ominous roll of thunder]

Grim Reaper

I... AM... HERE... FOR... YOUR... FIRST... BORN.

Nelson

Oh, you are joking me. Where does it say that?

Grim Reaper

SCROLL... DOWN. Scroll down, scroll down, scroll down, scroll down... THERE!

Nelson

Yep, hands up. I should've scrolled down. I didn't. It's done.

Grim Reaper

Also, we now reserve the right to share your e-mail address with third parties so they can send marketing messages we think might be of INTEREST!

Nelson

Oh, come off it!

When Nelson is asked to stake out the allotment to catch the vandal, he has no idea that the perpetrator is, in fact, a chimpanzee.

Nelson

Fox mean no harm.

Chimp

Chimp no won't hurt fox. Chimp sorry.

Nelson

Why Chimp here on allotment?

Chimp

Chimp lonely. Chimp want friend.

Nelson

Chimp no stay here. Animals mad Chimp make mess.

Chimp

Chimp no mean... make... sorry. Can you understand me if I talk normally?!

Nelson

Yes, of course I can.

Chimp

It's just you were talking as if, perhaps you had learning difficulties?

Nelson

Excuse me, I am a member of the Folio Society. I thought you were the slow one.

Chimp

Oh, that's right. You assumed that because I'm a chimpanzee I must be educationally sub-normal.

Nelson

Well, look... you can't stay on the allotment. At least not until the next human keels over. And even then, there is a waiting list.

Chimp

Chimp understand. Chimp not welcome.

Nelson

Now, stop it. You're just doing that for sympathy.

The chimpanzee (Robert) was once part of a Michael Jackson tribute act and he's keen to get back into showbiz. One slight problem is holding him back, though. A bad habit. Of the worst kind.

Nelson

Couple of notes... Uh, I wondered if we could perhaps, and this might be entirely wrong, just putting it out there, maybe try it without the frenzied and inconclusive self-abuse?

Robert

I knew it. It was dreadful. You hated it.

Nelson

Robert, please... this is a creative space. We're workshopping.

Robert

Fine. I admit that, as a performer, I do have a certain tendency towards... how can I put this delicately? Masturbating in public.