
Mongrels | Season 2
© 2010 British Broadcasting Corporation
In London's Isle of Dogs live Destiny, a sassy Afghan Hound, Kali, a street-wise pigeon, Marion, a crazy cat with an inexplicable Spanish accent, Nelson, a distinctly middle-class fox and Vince, also a fox and a total psychopath. What do they all have in common? They're mongrels. If you hated The Muppet Show and you don't like swearing, you're going to fu**ing hate this!
UPDATED: | CLIPS: 36
WARNING: ADULT CONTENT!
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Clip 1 S02 E01: "Marion and the Force-Field" |
Destiny didn't like her owner's new girlfriend, Tara. In fact, so intense was her dislike that she formulated a plan to get rid of her. |
|
Destiny |
Gary and Tara finally split up! |
Nelson |
What happened? |
Destiny |
Well, you know in fairy-tales where the daughter wants to stop her Dad marrying the evil stepmother? So the daughter hatches a cunning plan to keep shouting "whore!" in the stepmother's face until she leaves? |
[Cut to: INT Living Room. GARY and TARA are sat on a sofa watching TV. DESTINY continually bounces up and down behind the sofa, shouting each time she comes into shot] |
Destiny |
Whore! Whore! Whore! Whore! Whore! Whore! |
Gary |
She's just excited to meet you. She'll get bored eventually. |
Destiny |
[V/O] |
But I never did! WHOOORRRRRRRRE! |
Clip 2 S02 E01: "Marion and the Force-Field" |
Rory is a Beagle. A Beagle who's developed a rather nasty respiratory disease from years of smoking. He wants Nelson to euthanize him. Marion is just tired. |
|
Rory |
Turns out you were right about the cigarettes. I've got Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease and the progno isn't great. |
Nelson |
Oh, God! |
Marion |
[Yawns]. |
Oh, no... sorry. All that fake yawning got me started |
Rory |
The badgers are telling me there's no way back, um... I'm dying, Nelson. |
Marion |
Would anyone mind if I just dozed? Sorry. It's a catnap thing. |
Rory |
That's why I'm here. I... I need... I need you to kill me. |
Nelson |
[Gasps] |
You can't be serious. |
Rory |
It would be an act of mercy. |
Marion |
[Now snoring loudly and resonantly] |
Rory |
Your mate's a pr**k, you know that? |
Clip 3 S02 E01: "Marion and the Force-Field" |
Destiny is now a customer of an elite V.I.P. dog walking service. She feels inadequate and decides to tell a little white lie concerning the identity of her owner. |
|
Kate Thornton's Dog |
Who's your owner? |
Destiny |
Um... uh, Cuba Gooding Jr., actually. |
Kate Thornton's Dog |
Hollywood's Cuba Gooding Jr.? |
Destiny |
I'm his London dog. Yep. Cuba Gooding Jr.'s London dog. |
Claudia Winkleman's Dog |
Wow! What's he like? |
Destiny |
Cuba? Oh, he's like Marmite. By which I mean he's black and I hate him! |
Clip 4 S02 E01: "Marion and the Force-Field" |
Kali is having a session with her Psychotherapist. He wants to delve into her feelings toward her mother. And then instantly regrets it. |
|
Badger |
Now, I asked you to make me a picture that summed up your feelings towards your mother. |
Kali |
Oh... |
[She pulls a drawing out from under her wing and shows it to him] |
Badger |
Wow! Ho! Now, that is certainly a very angry looking vagina. |
Clip 5 S02 E01: "Marion and the Force-Field" |
Destiny has worked out how to keep John Terry's dog interested. All she needs is her psychology book. |
|
Destiny |
This psychology book is all I need to win over John Terry's dog. |
[She begins smacking JOHN TERRY'S DOG around the head with the book] |
Scum! Scum! Scum! Scum! Scum! Scum! Scum! Scum! Scum! Scum! Scum! Scum! Scum! Now... don't EVER make me do that to you again, you NAUGHTY boy! |
John Terry's Dog |
You've got the most amazing eyes. |
Destiny |
Oh! Do you really think so? SHUT UP! |
[She knocks him out] |
Clip 6 S02 E01: "Marion and the Force-Field" |
Nelson and Kali are in Arundel, West Sussex on the trail of a hound who killed his grandfather. |
|
Nelson |
Murray Mint? |
Kali |
[Whispering] |
I'm not gay. |
Clip 7 S02 E02: "Kali and the Rickshaw Inferno" |
You remember the case of Roul Moat, right? The guy who shot PC David Rathband? And who Paul Gascoigne thought might like some KFC? |
|
Vince |
Been a while since I was under siege. Oh! Tell a lie. Summer of 2010. |
[Cut to: Woodland scene] |
So, Paul. Let me get this straight. I go mental, shoot some people, end up surrounded by armed police in the middle of a field and you think, "I know... I'll take him down a fishing rod and a piece of fu*king fried chicken!" |
[A gunshot rings out as VINCE shoots GAZZA] |
Clip 8 S02 E02: "Kali and the Rickshaw Inferno" |
Vince does a great impression of Tommy from Goodfellas when Marion tells him that he's funny. |
|
Vince |
I'll tell you who else I'd like to fu*k and then eat, yeah? That Cassandra from Only Fools and Horses. Call me Rodney you dirty b**ch! |
[Laughs] |
Marion |
Oh, Vincent. You're a funny guy. |
Vince |
What d'ya mean I'm funny? How am I funny? Funny... how? |
Marion |
No, it's... it's just... you're funny. |
Vince |
What, I amuse you? Hmm? Funny how? How the fu*k am I funny? What do you mean I'm funny? What, I'm funny like a c*nt? |
Mole |
Actually, Vince the line is "funny like a clown." |
Badger |
He's right. Technically there's nothing funny about c*nts. |
Vince |
Two words. Jimmy... Carr. |
Clip 9 S02 E02: "Kali and the Rickshaw Inferno" |
Remember The Brittas Empire? That god-awful sitcom starring Chris Barrie as Gordon Brittas? Imagine if Vince played the title role... |
|
Colin |
Mr. Vincent, Mr. Vincent... there's been an accident. |
Vince |
Calm down, Colin. Whatever it is, I'm sure we can fix it. |
Colin |
I ordered too much lemonade for the vending machine and now - |
Vince |
You WHAT? You absolute [clockwinder]. In all my years of working in this [monkey farming] place, I've never come across such a total pain in the [neck]. I mean, [for Frank's sake] you complete and utter [cheeky cheeky cheeky] grade A [clam]. |
Clip 10 S02 E03: "Destiny and the V.E.T.S" |
An African Pigeon has stolen Kali's perch. Not that Nelson knew that said pigeon was African. Had he known, he might have been more accomodating. |
|
Nelson |
Uh, sorry, mate. That's actually Kali's perch. So... if you don't mind... uh... moving on. |
Pigeon |
Oh, just because I'm an African, you don't want me in your garden. Well, I know my rights. I migrated to the UK and I'm - |
Nelson |
You're a migrant? Oh, why didn't you just say? Ruddy bloody welcome. Oh, we love Africans don't we guys? |
Marion |
Absolutely. |
Destiny |
Not really. |
Marion |
Some of our best friends are Africans. By which I mean none of our best friends are Africans. We don't even know any Africans and we're worried we're racist. Hello! |
Clip 11 S02 E03: "Destiny and the V.E.T.S" |
Nelson has, erm... schtupped Vince's mum. Accidentally, of course. Had he known she was the mother of a psychopath, he'd probably have kept it in his pants. If he had any. But he's a fox. |
|
Vince |
COME 'ERE! |
Nelson |
Please. I had no idea who she was, I swear. |
Vince |
You dirty and quite literal mother fu*ker. |
Vince's Mum |
WILL YOU STOP SWEARING? |
Vince |
Sorry, Mum. |
Vince's Mum |
Honestly, Vincent. Have you been hanging around with Danny again? |
Vince |
No! |
[EXT: Bus Stop. DANNY DYER is approached by VINCENT] |
Vince |
Danny me old c*ck sucker! |
Danny Dyer |
Vince, you big c*nt! |
Vince |
Mate, it's been too fu*king long! |
Danny Dyer |
Too fu*king right it's been too fu*king long! |
Vince |
So what you been up to you 'ansome old c*nt? |
Danny Dyer |
Ahhh, I've just been makin' fu*king movies, I'm a fu*king actor ain't I? How 'bout you? |
Vince |
Ah, same old... same old. Bit o' killin', bit o' fu*king. |
Danny Dyer |
You fu*king legend. |
Vince |
I've fu*king missed you, you stupid c*nt. We should do this more fu*king often, mate. |
Danny Dyer |
Stop it! You soppy c*nt. |
Vince |
Did you just call me a soppy c*nt? |
Danny Dyer |
No, Vince. Now, now... listen... |
[VINCE attacks DANNY DYER and we cut back to NELSON'S den] |
Vince's Mum |
And okay, it was unfortunate you walked in when you did. |
Vince |
You swear you were just tickle fighting? |
Nelson |
Oh, absolutely. |
Vince |
SHUT UP! |
Clip 12 S02 E04: "Nelson and the C...'s Speech" |
It's Vince's wedding day. Nelson is Best Man. He's done it all. Including the table plan. But you can't please all the people all of the time. Or, in Destiny's case, ever. |
|
Destiny |
Anyway, Nelson. If you did the table plan how come you stuck me with the freaks? Tim and Nobby and that stupid sheep what talks like Laurence Fishburne? |
Lamb |
I happen to be a lamb, madam and I talk like MORGAN GODDAM FREEMAN! |
Nelson |
Destiny, there's a perfectly good reason you're all sat here. This is the singles table. |
Destiny |
SINGLES TABLE? Nelson, I'm not single, you clown's foreskin. |
Nelson |
You're not? |
Destiny |
Of course I've got a boyfriend. GOD! In fact no, tell you what actually, right, yeah. No, actually... I'm gonna go call him now. Bring him down here. Singles table. NOB! |
Clip 13 S02 E04: "Nelson and the C...'s Speech" |
It's the episode's big musical number. You don't get lyrics like this in My Fair Lady, I can tell you. It would be a very different show if you did. |
|
♪ |
Vince |
From Milwall to the Albert Dock there's one thing plain to see, |
Nelson |
Well it was you that had your stag-do ethnically cleansed. |
Vince |
When I was a little cub my Grandma said to me, |
Vince's Grandma |
Please, son put the gun down you can have all my money. |
Vince |
Silly cow, she kept her savings underneath the bed, |
(CHORUS) |
Nelson |
Um-diddle-ittl-um-diddle-aye, um-diddle-diddle-ittl-um. |
Vince |
You've gotta give me credit, though for keeping our streets clean, |
Nelson |
Why don't you join the BNP? I think you'd fit in fine. |
Vince |
You must be fu*king joking, I know where to draw the line! |
(CHORUS) |
Nelson |
Um-diddle-ittl-um-diddle-aye, um-diddle-diddle-ittl-um. |
Vince |
Remember when we first met on that night out in the park, |
Bride |
You were so romantic, I just felt an instant spark. |
Vince |
If I'm being honest that spark was a taser gun, |
(CHORUS) |
Ensemble |
Ooooooooooohhhhhhh! |
(ALT. CHORUS) |
Vince |
I'm a c*nt! |
Clip 14 S02 E05: "Marion and the Myocardial Infarction" |
How often do you actually read a EULA? I don't. But knowing that this can happen, I might start from now on. |
|
Nelson |
Oh, Goddammit, Nelson... always read the small print. |
[Cut to: Night scene - NELSON is working on a laptop computer] |
Hmm. iTunes version 10.4, terms and conditions... oh I'm sure they're fine. And... accept. |
[The GRIM REAPER appears in a blinding flash of light and ominous roll of thunder] |
Grim Reaper |
I... AM... HERE... FOR... YOUR... FIRST... BORN. |
Nelson |
Oh, you are joking me. Where does it say that? |
Grim Reaper |
SCROLL... DOWN. Scroll down, scroll down, scroll down, scroll down... THERE! |
Nelson |
Yep, hands up. I should've scrolled down. I didn't. It's done. |
Grim Reaper |
Also, we now reserve the right to share your e-mail address with third parties so they can send marketing messages we think might be of INTEREST! |
Nelson |
Oh, come off it! |
Clip 15 S02 E06: "Kali and the Psychological Warfare" |
When Nelson is asked to stake out the allotment to catch the vandal, he has no idea that the perpetrator is, in fact, a chimpanzee. |
|
Nelson |
Fox mean no harm. |
Chimp |
Chimp no won't hurt fox. Chimp sorry. |
Nelson |
Why Chimp here on allotment? |
Chimp |
Chimp lonely. Chimp want friend. |
Nelson |
Chimp no stay here. Animals mad Chimp make mess. |
Chimp |
Chimp no mean... make... sorry. Can you understand me if I talk normally?! |
Nelson |
Yes, of course I can. |
Chimp |
It's just you were talking as if, perhaps you had learning difficulties? |
Nelson |
Excuse me, I am a member of the Folio Society. I thought you were the slow one. |
Chimp |
Oh, that's right. You assumed that because I'm a chimpanzee I must be educationally sub-normal. |
Nelson |
Well, look... you can't stay on the allotment. At least not until the next human keels over. And even then, there is a waiting list. |
Chimp |
Chimp understand. Chimp not welcome. |
Nelson |
Now, stop it. You're just doing that for sympathy. |
Clip 16 S02 E06: "Kali and the Psychological Warfare" |
The chimpanzee (Robert) was once part of a Michael Jackson tribute act and he's keen to get back into showbiz. One slight problem is holding him back, though. A bad habit. Of the worst kind. |
|
Nelson |
Couple of notes... Uh, I wondered if we could perhaps, and this might be entirely wrong, just putting it out there, maybe try it without the frenzied and inconclusive self-abuse? |
Robert |
I knew it. It was dreadful. You hated it. |
Nelson |
Robert, please... this is a creative space. We're workshopping. |
Robert |
Fine. I admit that, as a performer, I do have a certain tendency towards... how can I put this delicately? Masturbating in public. |