9 MP3 Audio clips from Tommy Boy (1995)

PLAY ALL 9 CLIPS

Clip 1

Tommy has finally graduated college and has returned to his native Ohio to work at his father's auto parts factory. He is met at the airport by Richard.

Tommy

Did you hear I finally graduated?

Richard

Yeah and just a shade under a decade too, all right!

Tommy

You know, a lot of people go to college for seven years.

Richard

I know. They're called doctors.

Clip 2

Tommy is treating his step-brother, Paul to a night out on the town... Ohio style. It doesn't take long for the conversation to get... well, inappropriate.

Tommy

No offence but if I sent a picture of your Mom to some of my buddies at school... she'd definitely be boner of the month.

Clip 3

Even on his wedding day, Tom can't help but do a little business. Schmoozing is in his nature and he won't let the opportunity for a good deal pass him by.

Doug

Sound good, Tom but I'd like to take a look at your operation before I commit.

Tom

Fair enough, Doug. Course I could get a hell of a good look at a T-bone steak by sticking my head up a bull's ass but I'd rather take the butcher's word for it.

Tommy

[Laughs]

Bull's ass! That's great!

Clip 4

What could be better than a romantic tryst in a small dinghy on a lake with no headwind and a group of kids mocking your weight problem from the shore? Anybody? Any ideas?

Boy

Hey, Chubbo! You ain't moving!

[They laugh]

Tommy

Yeah, need a little wind here.

Boy

No. You need to drop a couple hundred pounds, blimp!

[They laugh]

Tommy

[To MICHELLE]

Rascals.

[To BOYS]

I guess that's YOUR theory.

[To MICHELLE]

So we'll see what happens tomorrow.

Boy

Hey! Your sail is limp. Like your d*ck!

Tommy

WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE IN FRONT OF THE LADY, PUNK!

[He sits back down and returns his attention to MICHELLE]

Geez! You were saying?

Boy

Hey, Gilligan. Did you eat the skipper?

Tommy

YOU'D BETTER PRAY TO THE GOD OF SKINNY PUNKS THAT THIS WIND DOESN'T PICK UP. 'COS I'LL COME OVER THERE AND JAM AN OAR UP YOUR ASS.

Boys

Ooooooooooooh!

Tommy

Jeepers creepers, those guys keep interrupting us. I'm sorry about that. You were saying about the, um...

Boy

Hey, lady! Look out! There's a giant whale on your boat.

Boy

Yeah. Free Willy!

Michelle

[Finally having had enough of the insults from the shore]

LISTEN UP, YOU LITTLE SPAZOIDS... I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE AND I'VE SEEN WHERE YOU SLEEP. I SWEAR TO EVERYTHING HOLY THAT YOUR MOTHERS WILL CRY WHEN THEY SEE WHAT I'VE DONE TO YOU.

[This far more sinister threat has the desired result and the BOYS run away]

I was just kidding. I have no idea where they live!

Clip 5

On their "save the company" tour, Richard is helping Tommy cram for the forthcoming pitches. Tommy, unfortunately, has a brain like a sieve.

Richard

And what is our carrying charge for all the merchandise in the warehouse?

Tommy

[Trying to remember]

Oh, man.

Richard

One and a.... half -

Tommy

Half percent. I KNEW that. Why can't I remember it?

Richard

Try an association. Like... uh, let's say the average person uses ten percent of their brain. How much do you use? One and a half percent. The rest is clogged with malted hops and bong resin.

Clip 6

There's nothing like boosting someone's confidence right before an important business meeting. And this is nothing like boosting someone's confidence right before an important business meeting!

Tommy

Hey, does this suit make me look fat?

Richard

No, no, no. Your face does.

Clip 7

They finally have a bite. An executive has indicated he MAY be interested in stocking Callaghan brake pads. It's up to Tommy to save the pitch. Oh dear.

Executive

Let me say... maybe.

Richard

Well then... I, I'd just like to add that the spectrometer readout on the nickel cadmium alloy mix indicates a good, rich strobe and fade decreasing incidents of wear to the pressure plate.

[He tries to hand him the technical specifications page of the brochure]

If you'd could just -

Executive

Woah there, little fella. Uh, you're not speaking my language.

Tommy

What my associate is trying to say is that, uh... our new brake pads are really cool. You're not even going to believe it. Like, um... let's say you're

[He picks up an expensive toy car from the desk]

driving along the road with your family and you're driving along, la-dee-daa, wooo then all of a sudden there's a truck tyre in the middle of the road and you hit the brakes

[He imitates screeching tyres]

Woah. That was close!

[Laughs]

Now let's see what happens when you're driving with the other guy's brake pads. You're driving along and you're driving along and all of a sudden your kids are yelling from the back seat, "I gotta go to the bathroom, Daddy." "Not now, dammit!" Truck tyre.

[He imitates screeching tyres again]

I CAN'T STOP! HELP! THERE'S A CLIFF! AAARGH! And your family's screaming.

[He sets light to the remains of the toy car]

"Oh my God, we're burning alive! No, I can't feel my legs!" Here comes a meat wagon.

[He imitates an ambulance siren]

And the medic gets out and says, "Oh... my... God." New guy's in the corner puking his guts out.

[Makes vomiting noises]

All because you wanted to save a couple extra pennies. To me it doesn't -

Executive

Get out. Now!

Clip 8

Hitching a free ride on an airline to Chicago dressed as flight attendants SEEMED like a good idea. But now Richard and Tommy have been roped into providing the pre-flight briefing.

Richard

Okay, folks... the guy in front of you is Tommy. He'll be taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking and he's never been laid. Exits. Okay, there's one back here and there's, uh... probably one over by the wing somewhere. Usually. And what about seat belts? To fasten, take the little end and stick it in the big end and... you know what? If you guys don't know how to use a seat belt, just ring your call button and Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tack hammer 'cos you are a retard. Okay... and life preservers. These we may need. Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake? My money says if it's gonna be anything it's gonna be a mountain. To inflate, put it around your neck and yank down on the tabs.

Tommy

[Doing this, he discovers that he's not wearing the demonstration life preserver but a live one and it inflates immediately]

Aaaaaaargh! Son of a... I can't... breathe!

Clip 9

What is meant to be a motivational, emotional speech to the staff of Callaghans ends up rather awkward when Tommy's mouth (once again) runs away from him.

Tommy

Um, well... ever since I was a kid, you people have been like a family to me. Lewis, we built our first fort together. And Danny, remember when we used to burn ants with a magnifying glass?

[Laughs]

RT, I lost my virginity to your daughter for crying out loud. Rob, you were there...