4 MP3 Audio clips from Season 3 of The League of Gentlemen (2009)

PLAY ALL 31 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

An elderly lady and a young boy enter Lance Longthorne's infamous joke shop.

Lance

Yes, Darling. Can I help you?

Lady

My grandson's looking for something in particular.

Lance

Oh yeah. Stag night, is it?

Lady

[Laughs]

No, no. He's eight years old. It's his birthday today.

Lance

Well, bugger me sideways. Happy birthday, Chief. I got just the thing. Finger in a matchbox. Two pound fifty.

Lady

Oh, they used to have these when I was a girl. There's a hole in the bottom you stick your finger through.

Lance

Not these, treacle. A mate of mine has contacts in A&E. Real fingers.

Lady

Oh... no... I don't think that's suitable.

Lance

Foot in a shoebox? Three ninety-nine.

Lady

Ahem. Come along, Francis.

Lance

Here, listen. You wanna get the whole family laughing, this stuff is brilliant. Three drops on the bog roll, gives your Mum cystitis. Here, Grandma Moses. You broad-minded?

Lady

I'm sorry?

Lance

Are you broad-minded? Do you like a laugh?

Lady

Well, I enjoy the news headlines.

Lance

This'll put a smile on your face.

[He ducks beneath the counter and produces a large, plastic penis]

Three speeds. Squirting action. Twenty-one ninety-nine.

Lady

Well, really!

Lance

All right, seventeen fifty but don't tell your mates down the old folks home or they'll all want one.

Lady

I think we'll go to Beatty's instead. You're disgusting, Sir. Disgusting.

Lance

Jesus. Some people ain't got no sense of humour!

Mike King is the DJ on St. Mary of Bethlehem's Hospital Radio. He's an idiot. As this short clip is sure to prove.

Mike King

This one's going out to Charlene Gustard on the Carol Leigh Scott Ward. She's fourteen years old today and having a termination. Here's the Bay City Rollers and Bye Bye Baby!

It's the League of Gentlemen closing theme from Season 3, formatted for the perfect ringtone.

Charlie has an idea to spice up his love-life with long-suffering wife, Stella. Stella, however, isn't too keen on the idea.

Charlie

Have you ever fantasised about having a threesome?

Stella

No. Not since Milli Vanilli split up. Why? What's brought all this on?

Charlie

Nothing. I just thought it might spice things up a bit, that's all.

Stella

Ooh, you're a dark horse, aren't you?

Charlie

Get off. No I was reading about it in one of your Bellas.

Stella

Oh.

Charlie

So?

Stella

Charlie, I'm not rolling around on this bed with Julie Levinson's dyed minge clamped to my mouth while you peep at us from the airing cupboard.

Charlie

Well, I'd be involved, wouldn't I?

Stella

How? You don't know what to do with one woman, never mind about two.

Charlie

It needn't be with another... woman... it could be... something else.

Stella

If you think I'm sticking digestives down my knickers and calling next-door's dog in, you can think again.