9 MP3 Audio clips from Evolution (2001)

PLAY ALL 9 CLIPS

Clip 1

Ira is addressing a lecture theatre full of his students. They've aced their most recent tests and he's psyched. Except for two students. Danny and Deke.

Ira

So, I've got a real good feeling about this group and I think that the parade of A's is going to continue straight through to the end of the semester. So much for the bell curve. Right?

Student

[Amidst applause]

Yeah, bell curves suck, man!

Danny

Mister Kane.

Deke

Doctor Kane.

Danny

Mister Kane.

Deke

Doctor Kane. Seems to be a mistake here, y'see... y'see... my brother and I each got a C minus on our reports.

Danny

C minus. Me, too!

Ira

Allow me to share something with the entire class. Um, last night as I was grading papers, I came across two gems, both entitled "Cells are Bad", and both with just one paragraph which I unfortunately committed to memory. "Cells are bad. My uncle lives in a cell. It's ten foot by twelve and he has to read the same old boring magazine every day. The end."

Clip 2

Ira and Harry are having lunch at the college. On the table in an airtight container are a number of the flat-worm type aliens they harvested from around the crashed asteroid.

Nadine

Um, Professor... the little wiggly worm things in there are... are breaking.

Harry

Ira, look...

Ira

Yeah. No, it's not breaking... it's splitting. It's mitosis. That's how they reproduce.

Harry

No sex?

Ira

No time for sex.

Nadine

Bummer!

Clip 3

Ira and Harry have been invited into the newly militarised compound and are meeting with General Woodman who is already known to Ira.

Ira

How did you find out about this, Russell?

General Woodman

Leave the Pentagon, you don't call me... you don't write. We like to keep tabs on our prodigal sons.

Ira

So you tapped my phone?

General Woodman

No. We're not the KGB, Ira.

Flemming

Actually, we've been monitoring your computer.

Harry

His computer? All those girls in the photos are... over eighteen.

Flemming

Yes. I'm sure!

Clip 4

Ira and Harry have taken the US Army to court to try to secure access to what they (rightly) consider to be their discovery. Allison pulls no punches. And she's ready to dish the dirt on Ira.

Allison

So, in your opinion, your firing had nothing to do with an experimental anthrax vaccine that you developed and administered to nearly one hundred and forty thousand US soldiers in May of that year?

Ira

[Whispering]

I see where you're going with this. It may have been a factor, you'd have to ask the joint chiefs of staff.

Allison

I'll make a note to do that but for now, can you tell me what happened to the soldiers that were inoculated with your vaccine?

Ira

Well, uh... none of them got anthrax if that's what you're asking.

[Laughs]

Yeah.

Allison

What did they get?

Ira

Um, well... as with any new vaccine, there were certain side-effects associated with it.

Allison

Could you be more specific?

Ira

Well, it was a wide range of things. It's very technical. I'd hate to waste the court's time getting into it right now.

Allison

Humour me.

Ira

Some, uh... debilitating stomach cramps, severe diarrhoea, memory loss...

Allison

Yes? Go on. Any more symptoms?

Ira

Partial facial paralysis, temporary blindness, drooling, bleeding gums, erectile dysfunction, uncontrollable flatulence... I think that's it.

Clip 5

Ira and Harry have broken into the air-locked crater and are talking about Allison, unaware that everything they say is being broadcast straight to the surface and straight into her ears.

Harry

That's the kind of rump you'd like to roast. The kind of muffin you'd like to butter.

Ira

That is... that is a nice image. And I appreciate your assumption that there is an actual sexual human being underneath all Doctor Reid's deep-seated neuroses. But... I don't think so.

Harry

What?

Ira

Yeah. I think she is a humour-less ice queen.

Harry

Ira? That's just a cover. Don't you know that? All she needs is a good humpin'.

[HARRY begins panting sexually and repeating IRA'S name as though he and ALLISON were engaging in... you know...]

Ira

Harry, stop that. We've got to get a piece of the asteroid like we came for and... and... cut that out. It disturbs me.

[He notices that HARRY is following him, thrusting his hips and gyrating his pelvis]

And don't do that behind my back like that.

Harry

I'm not doing it.

Ira

Now cut it out.

Harry

Okay, I'm just walking. Iiiirrrraaa!

Clip 6

A strange flying insect has burrowed into Harry's bio-suit and has now burrowed... into Harry. It's in his leg at the moment. But it's on the move. Speed is very much of the essence if he is to live.

Ira

Cut him open. Let's get this thing.

Harry

CUT ME OPEN? THERE GOES YOUR CHRISTMAS GIFT, JUDAS!

Doctor

Hey, it's moving down his leg.

Allison

What do we do?

Doctor

We might have to amputate.

Allison

[To nurse]

Bone saw...

Harry

WOAH! DOC! DON'T TAKE THE LEG! Ira, don't let them take my leg.

Ira

Is there anything else you can do? He thinks he's an athlete.

Allison

Wait! Doctor... look...

[HARRY begins to react verbally as the creature begins moving under the skin of his thigh]

Doctor

It's heading for his testicles.

Harry

TAKE IT! TAKE IT! TAKE THE LEG! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...

Doctor

All right, give me some forceps. I might be able to catch it in his colon.

Allison

How you goin' in?

Doctor

Rectally.

Harry

Noooooooooooooooooo!

Allison

I'll get the lubricant.

Doctor

There's no time for lubricant.

Harry

THERE'S ALWAYS TIME FOR LUBRICANT!

Clip 7

The procedure is complete. The creature has been captured in Harry's colon and dragged out... rectally. He's still in shock. Allison is being surprisingly considerate though.

Allison

You did great. Can we get you anything? Do you need anything?

Harry

Ice cream. I'd like an ice cream please.

Allison

What flavour?

Harry

It doesn't matter. It's for my ass!

Clip 8

Ira, Harry and Wayne are in pursuit of a giant, apparently carnivorous flying alien which vaguely resembles a pterodactyl. Wayne tries communicating with the beast.

Wayne

Here birdy, birdy, birdy, birdy, birdy, bird-AY! Bird-AY!

[WAYNE begins making noises that it's simply impossible to transcribe but all of which are intended to lure the flying alien out of its hiding place]

Clip 9

Wayne won't let something like his previous failure to communicate stand in the way of progress. This time he uses the mall's PA system to call to the elusive alien. Much to Ira and Harry's horror.

Wayne

Ca-caw. Ca-caw. Ca-caw. Ha ha, hee hee, tuki tuki, tuki tuki, ca-caw...

[I can't possibly transcribe this. It's ridiculous. But suffice it to say he carries on for a while longer]

Harry

WAYNE! I think we've established that ca-caw, ca-caw and tuki tuki don't work.

Wayne

Right. Sorry.