6 MP3 Audio clips from Billy Madison (1995)

PLAY ALL 6 CLIPS

Clip 1

Billy is hanging out with his equally idiotic friends at a burger joint. The question is, who would you rather bone? I'd have to go for Meg Ryan, myself.

Frank

Hey, Billy... who'd you rather bone... Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?

Billy

Jack Nicholson now or 1974?

Frank

'74.

Billy

Meg Ryan.

Clip 2

Story time has come to an end. The other first graders are asleep. We hope. Because Billy gets really quite riled about the ending of this story.

Billy

Whoa whoa whoa whoa! Miss Lippy... the part of the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think "You got a pet. You got a responsibility." If your dog gets lost you don't look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fu*king dog!

Clip 3

Reading a story in elementary school entitled My Sister, Fanny is likely to raise a giggle. The page number? That's a much more adult innuendo.

Miss Vaughn

Good morning, class.

Class

Good morning, Miss Vaughn.

Miss Vaughn

We're going to start today by reading together a short story entitled My Sister, Fanny.

Class

[Snigger and laugh at the title]

Miss Vaughn

Quiet! Okay, so lets all open up our Reading is Fun books to page sixty-nine.

Billy

Sixty-nine!

[Laughs]

Clip 4

Principal Anderson has just learned the hard way not to read a confiscated note aloud to an entire class before checking its contents.

Principal Anderson

Michael? Excuse me... what's that in your hand? Bring that note up to me.

Class

Ooooooooh!

Principal Anderson

Now let's see what couldn't wait until after class.

[He unfolds and reads the note aloud]

"We're so lucky to have Principal Anderson substituting. Now we have the privilege of staring at that tub of lard all day long. If I were him I would walk my fat ass right into oncoming traffic."

Clip 5

There's only one way to settle this. An academic decathlon. Luckily, the Principal of Knibb High School has managed to make the arrangements.

Principal

Ladies and gentlemen. Thanks to a generous donation by Mister Madison to the Knibb High School library, I have been able to arrange for ten different teachers to administer this academic decathlon in various courses of study. However... if there is any attempt by either contestant to cheat... especially with my wife who is a dirty, dirty tramp... I am just gonna snap. Do I make myself clear?

Billy

Yes, sir.

Eric

Yes, sir.

Clip 6

Billy's attempt to explain the Industrial Revoution by likening it to the story of Happy the Lost Puppy doesn't exactly float the Principal's boat. Or light his candle. Or wax his board.

Principal

Mister Madison... what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.

Billy

Okay, a simple "wrong" would have done just fine, but, uh...