12 MP3 Audio clips from Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998)

PLAY ALL 12 CLIPS

Clip 1

When you're buying stolen electronics from Tom, it's best to remember that you're getting a bargain and not to sound too ungrateful.

Nick the Greek

Dunno, Tom. Seems expensive.

Tom

Seems? Well, this seems to be a waste of my time. That is nine-hundred nicker in any shop you're lucky enough to find one in. And you're complaining about two hundred? What school of finance did you study? It's a deal, it's a steal, it's sale of the fu*king century! In fact, fu*k it Nick, I think I'll keep it!

Nick the Greek

All right all right, keep your Alans on!

Clip 2

When Willie turns up at the drugs factory with a wasted girl and a bag of fertiliser, Winston couldn't be less pleased to see him.

Winston

This money's got to be out by Thursday. I'm buggered if I'm gonna count it. Oh, and, um... if you do have to buy sodding fertiliser, could you just be a bit more subtle?

Willie

What do you mean?

Winston

We grow copious amounts of ganja, yeah?

Willie

Yeah.

Winston

And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertiliser. You don't look like your average horti-fu*king-culturalist! That's what I mean, Willie.

Clip 3

John owes money. Big Chris has come to collect it. And he's brought Little Chris along with him. Little Chris has been asked to rifle through John's locker whilst he's trapped on the sunbed.

Little Chris

He's not poor. He's got over a monkey here. And that's just in his wallet.

[He bends down to speak to JOHN on the sunbed]

Fu*kin' hell, John. You always walk around with that in your pocket?

Big Chris

OI! You use language like that again, son, you'll wish you hadn't.

Little Chris

Sorry, Dad.

Clip 4

There's always a divide between the North and South of the UK. And never more so than amongst the criminal fraternity.

Barry the Baptist

Fu*king northern monkeys!

Lenny

I hate these fu*king southern fairies!

Clip 5

Hatchet Harry. He's got that nickname for a reason. He has an evil temper, doesn't suffer fools gladly and isn't proud about what he beats his enemies to death with.

Bacon

Let me tell you about Hatchet Harry. Once there was this geezer called Smithy Robinson, who worked for Harry. But it was rumoured that he was on the take. Harry's invited Smithy round for an explanation. Smithy didn't do a very good job. Within a minute, Harry's lost his rag, reached out for the nearest thing at hand, which happened to be a 15 inch black rubber c*ck. He's then proceeded to batter poor Smithy to death with it.

Clip 6

The gang need money. Fast. Tom has a slightly unconventional scheme up his sleeve. And no, "sleeve" is not a euphemism although you could be forgiven for thinking that when you've heard it.

Tom

Listen to this one. You open up a company called Arse Ticklers Faggots Fan Club.

Soap

You what?

Tom

You take out an advert in the back page of some gay mag, advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos, sell it with, I dunno... "Does what no other dildo can do until now", "The latest and greatest in sexual technology", "Guaranteed results or your money back", all that bollocks. Now, these dils cost twenty-five quid a pop; that's a snip for the amount of pleasure they're going to give the recipients. But they send their cheques to the other company name.. nothing offensive, er, "Bobby's Bits" or something, for twenty-five quid. You take that twenty-five quid and you stick it in the bank until it clears. Now this is the smart bit. You send back the cheque for twenty-five pound from the other company name, Arse Ticklers Faggots Fan Club, saying "We're sorry." and "We couldn't get the supplies from America because they've run out of stock." And you see how many people cash that cheque; not a single soul, because who wants their bank manager to know they tickle arse when they're not paying in cheques!

Clip 7

Big Chris and Little Chris are paying Harry a visit. Which means they're also paying Pat a visit. He's the silent partner. The muscle. The heavy. But he's almost certainly not a nonce.

Harry

Hello, boys.

Big Chris

Harry.

Harry

Do you wanna drink?

Pat

Hello, my son. Do you wanna lolly?

Little Chris

P*ss off, you nonce!

Big Chris

Oi! Watcha.

Clip 8

If the milk turns out to be sour, Rory Breaker isn't the kind of pu**y to drink it. You know what I mean? No. Me neither. Sorry.

Rory Breaker

If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain't the kinda pu**y to drink it.

Clip 9

Plank, Dog, John and Mickey have decided to rob the cannabis factory. But they're stuck in the cage and someone is picking them off with an air rifle.

Plank

Aargh! They fu*king shot me!

Dog

Well shoot 'em back!

[PLANK lets off two shotgun cartridges, filling the room with smoke]

John

Jesus, Plank, couldn't you have got smokeless cartridges? I can't see a bloody thing. Ah! Sh*t! I've been shot!

Dog

I don't fu*king believe this! Could everyone stop gettin' shot? John... sit down and patch yourself up. You tart, it's a fu*king air rifle!

[MICKEY lets rip with a Bren Gun]

Clip 10

Paul is loading his van with the cash and cannabis. But there's a problem. A problem in the shape of Rob Brydon who plays a cameo as a jobs-worth Traffic Warden.

Traffic Warden

You've got a ticket already and if you don't move it, we will move it for you.

Paul

I'll only be a minute.

Traffic Warden

You've already been fifteen.

Paul

Look. Come and have a look.

Traffic Warden

At what exactly?

Paul

Well... the van's half-full.

Traffic Warden

So?

Paul

So, all I've gotta do is fill it up, put you in it...

Traffic Warden

What?

[PAUL punches the TRAFFIC WARDEN unconscious and bundles him into the back of the van]

Paul

...and I'm off!

Clip 11

In this Film Funnies exclusive mix, we see how the two gangs deal with the stow-away Traffic Warden in the back of Paul's van.

Traffic Warden

You won't get away with this.

Dog

Paul, what's that?

Paul

It's a traffic warden.

Dog

I can see it's a fu*king Traffic Warden. What's he doing in the back of the van?

Paul

He was gonna call the cozzers.

[PAUL elbows the TRAFFIC WARDEN in the face, knocking him unconscious again]

Bacon

We've hit the jackpot, lads. Got God knows how much of this stinking weed, a sh*t load of cash and a Traffic Warden.

Tom

Jesus, Ed. We've got a Traffic Warden.

Bacon

I think he's still alive. He's got claret coming out of him somewhere. What did they want with a Traffic Warden?

Eddy

I don't know but I don't think we need him. Knock him out and dump him at the lights.

Bacon

Knock him out? What d'ya mean "knock him out"? Knock him out with what?

Eddy

I don't know. Use your imagination.

Tom

Don't touch him up. Knock him out!

Bacon

I'll knock you out in a minute. Look... you wanna knock him out? You knock him out.

Eddy

I fu*kin' hate Traffic Wardens!

[EDDY and TOM clamber into the back of the van and begin pummelling the TRAFFIC WARDEN]

Clip 12

Rory Breaker has a point. I mean, he's not particularly eloquent in his argument and he uses rather too many curse words for comfort, but ultimately, he does have a point.

Rory Breaker

Your stupidity might be your one saving grace.

Nick the Greek

Eh?

Rory Breaker

Don't "eh" me, Greek Boy. How is it your fu*king stupid, soon-to-be-dead friends thought that they might be able to steal my cannabis and then sell it back to me? Is this a declaration of war? Is this some white c*nt's joke that black c*nts don't get? 'Cos I'm not fu*king laughing, Nicholas!