12 MP3 Audio clips from Fighting with My Family (2019)

PLAY ALL 12 CLIPS

Clip 1

Young Saraya is, in the eyes of her parents, a natural wrestler. And when Ricky finds himself a girl down for the forthcoming under-eighteens match, he has to turn on the charm.

Ricky

Hey, Saraya. You don't half look pretty today, Princess.

Julia

Yeah but she's not just pretty on the outside, is she? In there is a heart of gold. Do anything for anyone.

Saraya

What are you two d*ckheads after?

Ricky

Babe, I am a girl down for the -

Saraya

No!

Ricky

- under-eighteens match.

Saraya

I don't wanna be a wrestler.

Julia

You will love the buzz, Darling. It's like coke, crack and heroin combined.

Saraya

Have you done coke, crack and heroin?

Julia

Not combined.

Clip 2

Saraya and Hannah are handing out leaflets trying to drum up an audience for an evening of wrestling. So far, the public have been less than keen to get on board.

Saraya

You should come tonight. It'll be really fun.

Girl 1

We don't like wrestling.

Hannah

How do you know if you've never been?

Girl 2

I've never had rectal bleeding before but I'm pretty sure I'm not a fan of that.

Saraya

How 'bout I shove her head up your ass and then we can find out?!

Clip 3

The problem with teenage boys learning to wrestle with a girl is the likelihood of THIS happening. It's something over which they have little control but it's nonetheless pretty disturbing.

Zak

Snap! Nice mate, nice. Right, Ez... c'mon... let's do this. Lock up. Full Nelson. Break.

Saraya

Ez, have you got a stiffie?

Ez

It's not my fault.

Saraya

Eurgh!

Ez

It does what it wants!

Saraya

Yeah? Well tell it not to.

Ez

Just pretend it's not there.

Saraya

NO!

Zak

Right. Ez. Fifty press-ups now mate.

Ez

What? For having a stiffie?

Zak

No. For getting turned on by my sister. How desperate are you, mate?

Saraya

Oh, shut up!

Zak

Come on. Let's go! Let's go!

Crowd

ONE, TWO

Zak

Until it's gone.

Crowd

THREE, FOUR, FIVE

Julia

[Walking past the ring]

Another stiffie?

Crowd

YEAH! SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE...

Clip 4

Ricky asks a lot of his wrestlers. Especially when an agent is involved. Take "Union Jack" for example. What would he do in the name of his sport?

Ricky

[On the phone]

Let, let me ask him mate. Hang on...

[To UNION JACK]

Listen. Glen wants to know if you will take one of these -

[He holds up the metal lid of a dustbin]

- in the face.

Union Jack

I dunno. What's it like?

[RICKY smashes UNION JACK in the face with the lid]

Aargh! Fine.

Ricky

Yeah? Stings dunnit?! Right.

[Back on the phone]

Glen? 'Ello mate. Yeah, he'll do it.

[Laughs]

What? Ha! Seriously? Hang on, Glen.

[To UNION JACK]

Glen wants to know if, um... you'll do one of THESE -

[Holds up a bright red bowling ball]

- in the willy.

Union Jack

Rick, are you kidding me, mate?

Ricky

Breathe in.

Union Jack

Right.

Ricky

When you release it, I'll pop it in.

Union Jack

Right.

[Inhales deeply]

Ricky

Ready?

Union Jack

Right.

Ricky

On three. One...

[He slams the bowling ball into UNION JACK'S testicles]

Union Jack

Aaargh!

Ricky

It's a unique sensation. You all right?

Union Jack

D...d...don't touch me. Don't touch me.

Ricky

All right.

[Into the phone]

Hang on, Glen.

Union Jack

Go on.

Ricky

Yeah?

Union Jack

Yeah.

Ricky

Glen? Yeah. He'll take a bowling ball in the bollocks.

Clip 5

Daphne and Hugh are the parents of Zak's now pregnant girlfriend and they've been invited around to meet his family. Things were going really quite well right up until this moment.

Daphne

So...

[Clears her throat]

...what sort of people enjoy wrestling?

Ricky

That's a good question.

Daphne

I mean, it's all fake anyway isn't it... so...

Ricky

Come again?

Courtney

It's not fake. It's fixed.

Ricky

Yeah, if it was fake would I have broken half the bones in my body, Daph?

Saraya

His left leg bends both ways.

Julia

Well, that's nothing. You should see his c*ck.

Ricky

Hmm.

Julia

Sorry. Penis. You should see his penis.

Clip 6

Zak and Saraya are at the O2 in London for a WWE try-out. Wandering around backstage, they run into Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson who, clearly, is Saraya's hero.

Dwayne Johnson

[Laughs]

Sorry about that.

Saraya

Dick me dead, bury me pregnant.

Dwayne Johnson

That's a good pick-up line!

Clip 7

Dwayne Johnson has been trying to exit the conversation with Zak and Saraya for some time now. Every time he leaves, Zak calls him back for another question.

Zak

Rock, Rock, Rock!

Dwayne Johnson

[Punches a piece of scenery]

Yes, Zak?

Zak

What advice would you give us? If... if we wanna -

Saraya

Win over the crowd.

Zak

Win... win over the crowd. If we wanna... if we wanna be the next you?

Dwayne Johnson

What are your names, again?

Saraya

My name -

Zak

Zak -

Dwayne Johnson

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAMES ARE. YOU WALK AROUND HERE INTERRUPTING THE ROCK... YOU LIKE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE SUN IN TWENTY YEARS, YOU LIKE YOU JUST STEPPED OUT OF OLIVER TWIST... "Please, Sir. May I have some more advice, Sir?" YOU WANT SOME ADVICE? HERE'S THE ROCK'S ADVICE. SHUT YOUR MOUTH! WHAT YOU WANT. WHAT YOU WANT. HOW ABOUT WHAT THE ROCK WANTS? THE ROCK WANTS YOU TO GO OUT THERE, TAKE NO PRISONERS. HAVE NO REGRETS, HAVE NO FEAR. LAY IT ALL OUT ON THE LINE. Because if you don't do that, The Rock is going to find your friend, Mary Poppins. He's gonna take her umbrella, yeah he's gonna shine it up real nice, HE'S GONNA TURN THAT SONB**CH SIDEWAYS AND STICK IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR CANDY ASSES! THERE'S YOUR ADVICE. STRAIGHT OUT OF THE JABRON-BEATIN', PIE-EATIN', TRAIL BLAZIN', EYEBROW RAISIN', ENTERTAINING THE GLOBE, NEVER HOTTER, TALKIN' TO TWO REJECTS FROM HARRY POTTER!

Clip 8

It's time to impress Hutch from WWE in the hope that the next stop on the journey of life is Florida for the NXT try-outs.

Hutch

Nobody's gonna pay to watch a timid little British girl wrestle.

Saraya

Yeah, well... not all British girls are timid. Just like not all Americans are arrogant wa*kers.

Clip 9

Wrestling is more than just being in the ring. It's about being sassy on the microphone. And that's what the NXT candidates are trying out right now.

Jeri-Lynn

My name is Jeri-Lynn and I may look like the girl next door but underneath this is a firecracker. And I am going to blow you.

Hutch

Excuse me?

Jeri-Lynn

Out of the water. It's -

Hutch

My ten-year-old just asked me some questions I don't wanna answer.

Jeri-Lynn

Yep -

Hutch

Let's put it together. Let's keep it one.

Jeri-Lynn

Of course.

Clip 10

Saraya is missing home. She's video chatting with her family who are at the gym with the other young wrestlers and who appear to be cashing in on her prospective success.

Ricky

Ever since we announced you'd been signed, it has gone absolutely mental over here. We are selling a ton of merchandise.

Saraya

What merchandise?

Ricky

[Produces and waves at the camera a modified Barbie doll intended to resemble his daughter]

Saraya

Who's that?

Julia

It's you, innit?

Ricky

You.

Saraya

Who's making 'em?

Ricky

[Moves aside, allowing the webcam to pick up a table of children behind him hard at work]

Saraya

Are you running a sweatshop?

Ricky

It is not a sweatshop.

Ez

No. In a sweatshop, you get paid.

Ricky

All right. No more rice for you. Huh? Hey. Babe...

[He holds up a glossy, signed photo of SARAYA]

Number one best-selling item. Oh ho! Signed picture.

Saraya

I mean, who's signing 'em?

Ez

Who d'ya think?

[He shakes his wrist]

I got RSI.

Ricky

Yeah, but that is from wa*king... not writing.

Saraya

Wait. Guys... Paige should have an "i" in it.

Ricky

Should it?

[He begins spelling the name phonetically]

P... A... Oh, yeah. Yeah, look... I mean it doesn't matter. None of our fans can read anyway.

Clip 11

Hutch is teaching the girls to deal with hecklers. Saraya is up. And she's controlling him rather well.

Hutch

You're not the girl I paid for.

Saraya

I know. The girl you paid for is tied up in your basement.

Hutch

You suck!

Saraya

Yeah, but you swallow.

Hutch

Eat me!

Saraya

No thanks.

[Flexes her bicep]

I'm trying to bulk up.

Clip 12

Paige is about to debut on WWE Raw. She's nervous. And alone. Until Zak calls her via video chat and gives her all of the encouragement she needs. Which is what big brothers are for.

Zak

No matter what happens, when you go out there, it will never be as bad as that time in Kings Lynn when I went on wearing Dad's shorts.

Saraya

[Laughs]

When your penis fell out.

Zak

When my penis fell out.

Saraya

And everyone was laughing at it.

Zak

Everyone wasn't laughing at it, right... people were laughing at the situation.

Saraya

Why did you even stay in the ring?

Zak

Because I'm a bloody professional and so are you. Right? That's what I'm sayin'. So. Have you got your own shorts on tonight?

Saraya

Yes. My penis won't fall out.

Zak

Then get out there. Right?

Saraya

Thank you.