30 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of Family Guy (1999)

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Only Family Guy can make something like the suggestion of incest in The Brody Bunch funny and get away with it. Don't believe me? Just listen!

Peter

Well, now that he's retiring, me and him can finally spend some time together. I want us to have one of those father son moments like on TV. You know? Where we hug and the music goes, "La la laaaaaa."

[A band magically appear in the living room and play an orchestral version of PETER'S melody]

Thanks, boys. Just like that.

Brian

Hey, can you guys do that fluttery thing like when the Brady kids run down the stairs?

[The band launch into just such a tune and, as if by magic, the BRADY KIDS come running down the stairs. Last to reach the bottom, CINDY BRADY says something beyond creepy.]

Cindy Brady

I don't wanna tattle but is Bobby really a doctor?!

[To make the suggestion of incest a little more palatable, the trombonist produces a comedy sound]

Francis is a devout Roman Catholic who abhors the very notion of masturbation. Which, for the record, is NOT what Chris was doing in the bathroom.

[FRANCIS GRIFFIN pounds on the bathroom door]

Francis

OPEN THIS DOOR! OPEN IT, I SAY!

[The flush is heard and CHRIS opens the door]

Chris

Sorry, Grandpa. Uh... you might wanna give that a minute or two!

Francis

I know what you're doin' in there. And it's a SIN! If you ever do it again, you'll burn in HELL!

Chris

But I do it every day. Sometimes twice.

Francis

Mark my words, Lad. You may think you're alone in there but God's watchin'. DON'T DO IT AGAIN!

[FRANCIS storms off]

Chris

God's watching me do number two?! Oh, man. I'm a sinner and God's a pervert.

Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons are the anchors on Quahog 5 News. It's a show packed with news, filth and innuendo!

Diane Simmons

Well, Tom... the city of Boston is examining its conscience tonight in preparation for a visit from the Pope.

Tom Tucker

That's right, Diane. And I'll tell you what else will be examined...

[He reaches under the desk and produces a rooster]

This c*ck. Yes, the Rhode Island C*ck Society will be sponsoring free check-ups for this year's C*ck Awareness Week. Don't know why they went with such a suggestive name, they could have just as easily gone with rooster. Diane?

Stewie has been reading the bible and he's really quite enjoyed it. It has all of his favourite things in it. Plague, pestilence, death and cruelty.

Stewie

My, my... what a thumping good read. Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two by fours. I say! You won't find that in Winnie The Pooh!

Chris is on the phone, apparently talking dirty to some woman. And that much is true. Except that woman is his... it's his... his... his Gran. Sorry.

Chris

So, uh... what are you wearin'?

[Laughs coquettishly]

Wow, I bet you can see right through that!

Lois

Chris, who are you talking to?

Chris

Grandma.

Not being Catholic, I had no idea that it would be so difficult to find a toilet training book suitable for a child which also carries the messages of Catholicism. Wow!

Peter

Yeah, uh... I'm looking for toilet-training books.

Bookstore Clerk

Oh, yes. We can help you there. Uh, "Everybody Poops" is still the standard, of course. Uh, we've also got the less popular, "Nobody Poops But You" -

Peter

Ha! Well, y'see, we're Catholic so, uh...

Bookstore Clerk

Oh! Then you want, "You're a naughty child and that's concentrated evil coming out the back of you.".

Peter

Perfect!

Brian has been peeing on the rug and blaming it on Stewie. But when the family pay a visit to a store and Brian's bladder lets him down, the truth is revealed in glorious, er... yellow I guess.

Peter

Hey, what's that sound?

Stewie

You're urinating! So, it's been you all ALONG!

[Laughs]

Oh this is too perfect! I've been taking the blame for Rex!

Meg

Eew, it's everywhere!

Lois

It's okay. Meg, hand me my sweater.

Peter

Jeez, Brian. Where you think you are? Payless?!

Stewie

I say! I say! Paco! Grab a mop! God's sake, will somebody get Patches the hell out of here before he decides to bend a fresh biscuit on the conveyor belt?

Lois

Shhhh. It's okay. We'll meet you in the parking lot.

There are words to describe just how wrong this clip is. I mean, I laughed. Sure. Who wouldn't? But it's wrong. TERRIBLY wrong.

Tom Tucker

And now part two of our very own Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex.

[Cut from studio to a bedroom in which TRICIA is ready to do a piece to camera]

Tricia

Tom, I'm standing in the bedroom of Judy and Glenn Isaacs. Ten years married and still in love. What's their secret? Judy has an inoperable brain tumour the size of my fist and that just happens to be Glenn's fetish.

The very last thing Brian probably needed to see at his therapist's office was Jake Tucker, son of Tom Tucker and tragically afflicted with an upside-down face.

Tom Tucker

Look, I know Stacey isn't your mother but upside-down face or not, you have to respect her.

Brian

Hey... you're Tom Tuck -

[He glances at JAKE and does a passable impression of Scooby Doo seeing a ghost]

Jake Tucker

HEY!

Brian

Oh, God. I'm s... that... that was rude and I apologise.

[BRIAN begins to walk away]

Wow!

Glenn Quagmire is to romance what Colonel Gaddafi was to world peace. Sometimes he scores but usually he just shoots. Himself. In the foot.

[INT: Bar. Night. Romantic piano music plays. GLEN QUAGMIRE sits on a stool next to a pretty girl]

Glen

Gemini!

[The girl slaps GLEN'S face]

Glen

Ooh! Capricorn?

[The girl slaps GLEN'S face]

Glenn

Oh! Well, I know you're not a Virgo!

[The girl punches GLEN clean off his bar stool]

Glen

Ya! Hey! From down here, you look like a Pisces!

[The girl kicks GLEN in the head]

Glen

Aargh!

For the record, male or female, this doesn't work. And if it does, you need to be making a formal complaint. No cop should be swayed by the sight of boobs.

Cop

Sir, you aware that you were goin' fifty in a -

[He notices that PETER is exposing his left breast to him]

Cop

I'm gonna have to ask you to put your shirt down, Sir.

Peter

Oh, crap. I get the one straight cop in Rhode Island!

Stewie has been fostered. Meg's fault. She portrayed him as her crack-addicted baby to get more tips at work. But things aren't good at the foster home. Oh no.

Foster Dad

Now, Stewie, why don't you go play with the others?

Chinese Girl

Stewie! Come complete our rainbow.

Stewie

I've got a better idea. Let's go play swallow the stuff under the sink!

Glenn has just finished making mad, passionate love to Sandy Balfour, the Child Services worker who seized Stewie from the Griffins. She's in love. He's confused.

Sandy Balfour

Mmmm, Glenn honey... I have a question for you. What do you do for a living?

Glenn

Hey! I have a question for you, too. Why are you still here?

It's 60 Minutes but like you've never seen it before. Morley, Mike, Ed and Lesley are in bed together.

Morley Safer

I'm Morley Safer.

Mike Wallace

I'm Mike Wallace.

Ed Bradley

I'm Ed Bradley.

Lesley Stahl

I'm Lesley Stahl. And one of you is hung like an elf.

It's that seminal scene from Titanic. Rose is floating on debris, Jack is sinking to the bottom of the ocean. But then he resurfaces...

Rose

Noooooooooooooo!

Jack

[Resurfaces and grabs hold of the door upon which ROSE is floating]

You know, I... actually, I.... I think I'm gonna be okay.

Rose

Oh, Jack. Now we can get married and everything you promised.

Jack

Yeah, about that... uh, I was pretty sure I was gonna die. Uh... 'cos, actually, there... there's this girl in New York and it's... it's gettin' kinda serious. But... you know, thanks for lettin' me draw you naked. I still can't believe you let me do that!

There's no rivalry between Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons. None at all. Well, there is some rivalry. In fact, now that I come to think of it, there's loads of rivalry between them.

Diane Simmons

Our top story tonight... I will be playing the role of Anna in The Quahog Players production of The King & I. Tom?

Tom Tucker

Thanks Diane. In other news, I won't be going to the play because I'm sure it will be lousy.

Diane Simmons

Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous closet-case.

Tom Tucker

Bit of breaking news, we now go live to Diane being a b**ch. Diane?

It's Peter. Farting. On stage. For ages. Yes, it's puerile. It's childish. It's disgusting. But it's funny.

The Griffins have been invited to a cocktail party at a New York museum. There, Brian notices some caricatures created by Robert Mapplethorpe.

Brian

Mapplethorpe? I thought he just did photography?

Curator

Oh, no. Early on, he did caricatures.

[Cut to a carnival scene, MAPPLETHORPE sat at an easel whilst a YOUNG BOY sits in front of him on a chair]

Mapplethorpe

Uh, okay... Tim, uh, who's your favourite sports star?

Tim

Uh... Reggie Jackson.

Mapplethorpe

Okay, well I'm gonna draw him pooping on your chest. Uh, what number is he?

Now you can say what you like about politicians, royalty, musicians and minor celebrities. But don't EVER mess with Walt Disney. Unless you're Seth MacFarlane. Then it's okay, I guess.

Brian

Peter, creating art takes a lot of training and technique. All the great artists I knew took classes.

Peter

Even Walt Disney?

[Cut to an artists studio. MINNIE MOUSE is modelling for WALT DISNEY wearing a small blue dress]

Minnie

Do I... d... do I... have to?

Walt Disney

You wanna be a star don't you? THEN TAKE IT OFF!

[Sobbing, MINNIE drops her dress to the floor]

Walt Disney

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's nice.

I can sum this clip up in just TEN words. "Boy, I say, Boy... you sure got a perty mouth." See? Told you!

Farmer

I don't trust you. You put your seed in my daughter's belly. You're fired.

Farmhand

But Pa, you can't fire me.

Famer

You're lucky you're my brother, too or I'd kill you.

Ebner & Gladys Kravitz are neighbours to the Griffins and they're no strangers to some of the bizarre activities taking place at 31 Spooner Street.

Gladys

EBNER! EBNER! The Griffin boy just killed a plastic reindeer.

[Pull back to reveal EBNER sitting naked on the couch, a bowl of popcorn concealing his genitals]

Ebner

Gladys, it took me two hours to work up the courage to rent this porno. Now you gonna watch it with me or not?

Peter owes the Quahog Mafia for services rendered. No cash is payable. Instead, he's being given a task by The Don.

The Don

I have asked you here tonight so that you may perform a service.

Peter

Ha ha! Wh... wh... what are you gonna make me do? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy? 'Cos I'm married.

The Don

SILENCE!

Peter has been summoned to the offices of the IRS to talk about a possible (but unlikely) tax rebate.

Peter

[Opens an office door and enters]

Uh... Miss Stratford?

Miss Stratford

Come in, Mister Griffin. Don't be nervous. The IRS is much kinder and gentler than we used to be. You smell nice.

Peter

What? No... that must be you.

Miss Stratford

No. It couldn't be me. I just farted.

When Peter discovers that 31 Spooner Street isn't part of the USA, he forms an independent country. And he's got diplomatic immunity.

Peter

♪

Can't touch me.

J...j...j...j...just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2,

I've got diplomatic immunity, so Hammer you can't sue.

I can write graffiti, even jaywalk in the street,

I can riot, loot, not give a hoot and touch your sister's teat. Can't touch me.

You can't touch me.

Mayor West

What in God's name is he doing?

Peter

You can't touch me!

Cleveland

I believe that's the worm.

Peter

Stop! Peter time!

I'm a big shot, there's no doubt.

Light a fire then pee it out.

Don't like it? Kiss my rump. Just for a minute let's all do The Bump.

Can't touch me.

Yeah. Do the Peter Griffin Bump. Can't touch me.

I'm Presidential Peter. Interns think I'm hot.

Don't care if you're handicapped, I'll still park in your spot.

I've been around the world. From Harvard to Back Bay.

It's Peter, go Peter, I'm Sir Peter, yo Peter, let's see Regis rap this way! Can't touch me.

♪

You can always rely on Stewie (who, by rights, shouldn't even have the power of speech yet) to say the most inappropriate thing at any given moment.

Lois

Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.

Stewie

Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.

Peter has caused Meg to publish a story in the school newspaper about Luke Perry being gay. In order to make things right, he must now try to seduce the man himself.

Brian

Peter, you're... you're really gonna... try and seduce Luke Perry?

Peter

Listen, Brian, I'd take a bullet for Meg so I'm sure I can take a -

[Spots LUKE PERRY on a sun lounger by the pool]

- there he is!

In a nod to Charlie & the Chocolate Factory, Peter has found a silver scroll and is one of the lucky few to tour the Pawtucket Brewery. He and Brian have consumed never-flat beer and are in peril.

Peter

Holy crap! There... there's nothing to grab on to. Oh, this is it, pal. We're goners.

Brian

Peter, I want you to know I've really cherished our friendship.

Peter

Me too, buddy. That's why I was holding this in but... since we're gonna die anyway -

[PETER farts and immediately begins descending away from the fan above their heads]

Brian

Peter, that's IT!

[BRIAN farts]

Peter

Hey, pull my finger!

Brian

My pleasure.

[PETER farts again]

Hey, Peter. This next one? You can blame on the dog!

[BRIAN farts]

Lois has discovered that Peter is an accomplished and capable pianist when he's drunk. And with a competition coming up, she needs him on top form.

[PETER is playing the piano but not a single note is as it should be]

Lois

No, no, no... play it like you did last night.

Peter

I... I can't.

Lois

Peter, talent doesn't disappear just like that.

Peter

Well... sometimes it does. I mean... I mean you were pretty bad in bed Saturday night.

[Cut to Griffin bedroom. PETER is under the comforter, making love to what we assume is LOIS]

Come on, Lois. Move or somethin'. Jesus, it's like doin' it with a pillow.

[Cut back to piano]

Lois

Peter, I stayed at my mother's that night.

Peter

Oh. Ah, jeez... this hangover's killin' me. I haven't felt this crappy since the time I went to that museum.

[Cut to a natural history museum. Young PETER is among a group looking at dinosaur skeletons]

Peter

Why did all the dinosaurs die out?

Curator

Because you touch yourself at night.

So, we've discovered that for Peter to steer clear of the bum notes, he needs to be severely inebriated. But Lois has some concerns.

[PETER is now as drunk as a skunk and he's playing the piano like Mozart]

Brian

Huh! I think we've found his muse.

Lois

Oh my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk.

[PETER plays a descending glissando and the music comes to an abrupt halt]

Peter

That's not true. I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk.

Cleveland and Peter are at odds over Peter's success with Cleveland Brown Jr. in a father and son golfing tournament. But who IS the better father? Certainly not John Robinson. That's for sure.

Peter

Well, maybe you're not as good a father as me. Eh? I mean look what I did with Chris. I'm even better than that Dad on Lost in Space.

[Cut to a satirised recreation of a scene from 1960s series Lost in Space]

John Robinson

We need to gather more information about this new planet. Don, you take my sixteen-year-old blonde daughter out in the chariot for the rest of the day. Penny, you stay here with me. And Will... you and the robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing, boy-hungry paedophile with you.