7 MP3 Audio clips from Season 5 of Family Guy (1999)

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Brian is in love with Lois. I mean, he's a dog and she's a wife and a mother of three. It could never work. But that doesn't stop him flexing.

Lois

Are you flexing?

Brian

Wh... me? N... no! Wh... wh... why would I be flexing? I mean I have, uh... sort of been hitting the gym so, uh... if, if you wanted to see how it's going...

[He pulls a Front Double Bicep]

... GADOOSH!

Brian is dating Gillian. Gillian has the perfect body. But absolutely no brain. Some guys might find that attractive. But I'm with Stewie. Not my thing.

Brian

So, are you gonna take back what you said?

Stewie

Brian, she's stunning.

Brian

Okay, you met her. You can scram now.

Stewie

I shall do no such thing. Now why in the world would you be embarrassed about dating her?

Gilllian

Oh my God, Brian! I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler. Somebody should stop him.

Stewie

Are her parents brother and sister?

Brian

Can you please leave now?

Stewie

Oh... now I get it. She's a moron. But a moron with large breasts you can use as mountains for your Matchbox cars or whatever it is grown-ups do with large breasts.

Brian

Shut up! That's not it at all.

Stewie

Say, Gillian... I love what you've done with the place. Uh, what is it? One bedroom, one bath?

Gillian

No. It's a whole apartment.

Stewie

Oh, God. Outstanding!

If you were to look up the word "bimbo" in the dictionary, there would be a picture of Brian's girlfriend Gillian there. If you blew into her ear, she'd whistle.

Brian

Okay, goodnight everyone.

Stewie

Oh, say Gillian? Before you go, I forget... do you know what the capital of this state is?

Gillian

Um, Rhode Island City?

[BRIAN ushers GILLIAN outside and slams the door behind them]

Stewie

[Laughs joyously]

It's like she's fu*king five!

To save money, James Woods High School have cancelled their Sex Education lessons. Lois is horrified by this.

Lois

Without Sex. Ed. kids can wind up sexually confused. Uh, just look at Michael Jackson.

[Cut to breakfast cereal commercial, MICHAEL JACKSON sat at a kitchen table]

Michael Jackson

The kid in me likes the frosted side. But the grown up in me likes the kid in me!

Mr. Herbert is the neighbourhood paedophile. Which shouldn't be funny. Not at all. But somehow it is. Because this is a cartoon I guess. In real life, I'd want to wring his neck.

Mr. Herbert

Hey there, Chris.

Chris

Hi, Mr. Herbert.

Mr. Herbert

Sellin' your old hand-me-downs?

Chris

Yep.

Mr. Herbert

You got anything you used to wear in the summer time?

Chris

Just these old shorts.

Mr. Herbert

Sweet Jesus!

There are no words to describe this so I won't even bother trying. I'll let the clip speak for itself and I'll apologise for it in advance.

Stanford Cordray

I'm sorry but that bear belongs to Timmy. Now please leave.

[STEWIE spies a skiing trophy and an idea is born]

Stewie

Wait, wait! How about a ski off?

Stanford Cordray

W... what?!

Stewie

You heard me. First one down the mountain wins. If I win, I get Rupert.

Stanford Cordray

Interesting. What do I get if I win?

Stewie

My dog.

Stanford Cordray

Hmm. What can he do?

Stewie

Uh... if you put peanut butter anywhere on your body, he'll lick it off. Anywhere.

Peter has become a redneck. And I mean that he's become a redneck. He's bought a pick-up, a ten-gallon hat and a large belt buckle. And his family values have altered somewhat, too.

Lois

Chris, what happened to the couch?

Chris

Dad dragged it out on the lawn 'cos he said that's what rednecks do.

[Cut to front lawn. PETER is sat on the couch with his feet in a paddling pool filled with cans of beer]

Peter

Hey, Meg! Come here. Have a seat.

[MEG sits down next to PETER who pretends to yawn and puts an arm around her shoulders]

Meg

Dad... what are you doing?

Peter

Meg... I'm a redneck which means I am about to do something to you that you will not remember until you're forty.

Meg

[Gets up and runs off, screaming]

Peter

Meg. Come back here! I meant sex!