Family Guy | Season 8
© 1999 20th Century Fox Television
Family Guy is one of the longest running (and arguably the funniest) cartoon shows ever to come out of the USA. It follows the dysfunctional Griffin family; Peter, Lois, Meg, Chris, Stewie and their talking dog Brian as they survive life in a small Rhode Island town. Expect filth, cursing, sick jokes and twisted animation. All the things we really love, huh?!
UPDATED: | CLIPS: 662
WARNING: ADULT CONTENT!
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Clip 1 S08 E01: "Road to Multi-Verse" |
Who knew that carnivals still have freak shows? I thought that had been outlawed. Well, perhaps it has. But the rules don't apply in Quahog. |
Carnival Guy |
Step right up, step right up! You won't believe your eyes. Step right up and see the amazing half-man, half-clam. |
[PETER and LOIS emerge from the attraction] |
Peter |
What a rip off. It was just Kim Cattrall sitting Indian-style! |
Clip 2 S08 E01: "Road to Multi-Verse" |
Brian and Stewie have entered a parallel universe where dogs are the masters and humans are their pets. Which doesn't sit right with Stewie. |
Stewie |
Oh... you like role-reversal? Huh? Okay. |
[Walks out of shot as BRIAN follows him with his eyes] |
Brian |
Wait... what are you d... ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhh, COME ON! |
Stewie |
Pick up my poop! PICK UP MY POOP! |
Brian |
I'M NOT PICKING UP YOUR POOP! |
[A cop pulls up in a cruiser] |
Cop |
Hey, you! Pick up that poop! |
Stewie |
You heard him, Brian. Pick up my poop! |
Clip 3 S08 E02: "Family Goy" |
Peter is making a move on his lovely wife, Lois. She's not keen at first. And then she is. And then she's not. But he is. Does that make sense? |
Lois |
Peter, stop. Come on, I'm not in the mood.... Ohhhhhh. Ohhhhhh, Peter! |
Peter |
Oh, Lois... I missed you. You and your wonderful smile and your beautiful eyes and your awesome third boob that's on top of the other boob. |
Lois |
WHAT?! Oh my God. Peter, that's not a boob. That's a lump. |
Peter |
A lump? Holy crap! |
[PETER ignores the situation and continues getting it on with LOIS] |
Lois |
PETER, STOP THAT! WE'RE NOT HAVING SEX. I JUST TOLD YOU I HAVE A LUMP. |
Peter |
I've got a lump too and mine's easier to get rid of. |
Clip 4 S08 E04: "Brian's Got a Brand New Bag" |
This time it's Lois who's horny. Peter is only too willing to oblige but he's been watching the Patrick Swayze movie Roadhouse rather a lot lately and things get a little... "rough." |
Lois |
You know, it's still early, Peter. What do you say we horse around a little, huh? |
Peter |
I think I can get on board with that. |
[There's lots of moaning, groaning and giggling as the two get down to it. And then PETER punches LOIS] |
Lois |
OW! |
Peter |
Roadhouse! |
Lois |
Peter, for God sakes if you're gonna do that at least aim for my breasts. |
[PETER aims for her breasts] |
Lois |
Oh, yeah! |
Peter |
Roadhouse! |
Clip 5 S08 E04: "Brian's Got a Brand New Bag" |
It's another set-up for a cutaway. It's questionable but still somehow very, very funny. |
Peter |
Well, careful Brian. Sometimes the things you love can disappoint you. Like that Playboy issue. |
[Cut to PETER perusing a copy of Playboy] |
Ah! Here we go. Playboy's Women of the Olympics. Wow... those are some broad shoulders. Okay, I guess small boobs are good for swimming. That... that.... those are balls! |
Clip 6 S08 E06: "Quagmire's Baby" |
We'll forget the context because this was, let's face it, just an excuse to play out this gag. Which isn't unfunny. In fact, it's pretty damned good. |
Peter |
Whoa, this thing is worthless. Like my Palestinian alarm clock. |
[Cut to close-up of digital alarm clock in the Griffin bedroom] |
Alarm Clock |
Allah hu akbar! |
[The entire house is destroyed in a massive explosion] |
Clip 7 S08 E06: "Quagmire's Baby" |
Quagmire is a pervert. We know that. He's a real slimeball who's after women for only one thing. Well, two. Three if you count the... Yeah. Three things. |
Quagmire |
So, how long you been in Beauty School? |
Girl |
Two months. |
Quagmire |
Well, tonight we're doing facials. |
Clip 8 S08 E07: "Jerome Is the New Black" |
Jerome is a replacement for Cleveland and it just so happens that he and Lois once dated. Which brings out of the green-eyed monster in Peter. |
Peter |
You're not really gonna hang out with him, Lois, are you? |
Lois |
We're just friends, Peter. Don't tell me you're jealous. |
Peter |
What... you dating that guy? It's just a lot to take in. |
Lois |
[Sniggers] |
Oh, yeah. You're tellin' me! |
Peter |
OH, COME ON! THOSE KINDS OF JOKES AREN'T HELPING! |
Lois |
Well, what do you want me to say? You're being silly. I mean Jerome and I dated over twelve inches ago. |
[Begins to laugh] |
I said inches! |
Peter |
WHAT DID I JUST SAY? |
Lois |
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. |
Clip 9 S08 E08: "Dog Gone" |
Consuela is now working for the Griffin family. She's thrown Brian outside mid-conversation and picks up on the phone where he left off. |
Consuela |
Ola? |
Stewie |
Uh, yes... could you please put Brian back on? |
Consuela |
No... no.... d... doggie afuera. |
Stewie |
You're the new housekeeper, aren't you? |
Consuela |
Si. |
Stewie |
Listen, I don't wanna point fingers but I'm missing about a thousand dollars in play money. |
Consuela |
I take. |
Stewie |
Wh... what... you took it? |
Consuela |
Si. |
Stewie |
Well, GIVE IT BACK! |
Consuela |
Come get, b**ch! |
[She hangs up on STEWIE] |
Clip 10 S08 E09: "Business Guy" |
Peter, Joe and Quagmire have taken Carter to a strip-joint to give him the Bachelor Party he never had. It doesn't end so well. It ends with a Billy Joel reference. |
Carter |
[Screams out twice in pain] |
Quagmire |
Oh my God! What's happening to him? |
Carter |
I'm havin' a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack. You ought to know by now! |
|
[Editor's Note: You may recognise this as a lyric from Movin' Out (Anthony's Song) by Billy Joel. It's subtle but it's funny.] |
Clip 11 S08 E09: "Business Guy" |
Carter Pewterschmidt thinks of everything. Every eventuality. Even the different ways in which he might meet his demise. Probably didn't imagine the stripjoint scenario though. |
[The doorbell rings] |
Kenneth Gould |
Hello, Mrs. Griffin. I'm Kenneth Gould. Mr. Pewterschmidt's attorney? I'd like to talk to you about a few things. |
[Cut to moments later, family sat listening to MR. GOULD] |
As part of Mr. Pewterschmidt's estate planning, he has left video wills applicable to a wide variety of situations. |
[He inserts a video cassette into the VCR and it begins to play, revealing CARTER sat in an armchair] |
Carter |
Hello. If you're watching this it means they didn't cut the rope when I climaxed. As a result, I am now dead. |
Kenneth Gould |
That's not it. |
[He fast-winds the cassette] |
Carter |
If you're watching this one it means the train wasn't able to push the DeLorean up to eighty-eight miles per hour and I'm still stuck in 1885. |
Kenneth Gould |
This could take a while. |
[Fast-wind] |
Carter |
Eaten by sharks while snorkelling. |
[Fast-wind] |
Stabbed to death in a Toys 'R Us bathroom. |
[Fast-wind] |
1940's roller skate left in the hall. |
Clip 12 S08 E09: "Business Guy" |
Could this be it? The grossest joke they've ever made on Family Guy? It's GOT to be a contender. I mean Peter... and Chris? His SON? Oh, God... I feel sick. |
Peter |
That's it, Lois... you're fired. Chris... you are now Meg's mother. |
Chris |
Oooh, Peter. Your muscles are so muscly. |
Peter |
I am gonna plough you so gross later! |
Clip 13 S08 E09: "Business Guy" |
Peter has taken over the reins at Pewterschmidt Industries. He has his own secretary. And an intercom. Which is enough for Peter. |
Peter |
Uh, Peggy? |
Peggy |
Yes, Mr. Griffin? |
Peter |
That fart I have at three. Can you push that up to now? |
Peggy |
Very good, sir. |
Peter |
[Farts loudly and grossly] |
Clip 14 S08 E10: "Big Man on Hippocampus" |
Lois is living the dream. She's on Family Feud and they've made it through for a chance to win the big bucks. One question though. Couldn't they have got a sitter? |
Richard Dawson |
Okay, Lois... fifteen seconds on the clock. Name something you sit in. |
Lois |
A chair. |
Stewie |
My own faeces. |
Richard Dawson |
Name a popular fruit. |
Lois |
Orange. |
Stewie |
Clay Aiken. |
Richard Dawson |
Something in your closet. |
Lois |
Shoes. |
Stewie |
Scary monsters. |
Richard Dawson |
Your favourite holiday. |
Lois |
Christmas. |
Stewie |
9/11. |
Richard Dawson |
Something you do on the weekends. |
Lois |
Go to church. |
Stewie |
Black guys. |
Clip 15 S08 E13: "Go, Stewie, Go" |
Anthony is Meg's boyfriend. Yeah... I know, right? And at least he has the manners to compliment Lois. Unlike Peter who can't stop running the poor woman down. |
Anthony |
Has anybody ever told you you're pretty enough to be a movie star, Mrs. Griffin. |
Lois |
Oh my goodness, well I don't know about that. Penelope Ann Miller and Nancy Travis... now those are movie stars. |
Peter |
Look, Anthony... trust me. She ain't what she used to be, all right? Once you get those pants off it's like two sagging pressed hams and a slice of pizza. |
Clip 16 S08 E13: "Go, Stewie, Go" |
Stewie has been dressing as a girl to star in his favourite show, Jolly Farm. Brian is shocked and a little disgusted by this particular revelation. |
Brian |
Why are you dressed like that? |
Stewie |
Uh.. because I'm the star of Jolly Farm? Remember how they only needed little girls? |
Brian |
Oh my God. I'm telling Lois. |
Stewie |
You're not telling anybody, friend. And no, no... you're gonna be my On-set Guardian. |
Brian |
You're out of your mind. |
[BRIAN starts to walk away] |
Stewie |
Brian... we both know I touched it. Now if you'd like to keep that just between us I suggest you sit back down and order me some chicken fingers. |
Clip 17 S08 E14: "Peter-Assment" |
In Family Guy, roles are often reversed. For example, it's Peter who's being sexually harassed in this episode. By his boss. A woman named Angela. |
Angela |
Griffin... I never noticed you before. I like what I see! |
Peter |
Uh... okay. |
[ANGELA throws her pencil to the floor at PETER'S feet] |
Angela |
Oh no. I dropped my pencil. |
Peter |
Oh... I'll get it for you. |
[As PETER bends forwards, ANGELA grabs his buttocks] |
Angela |
Yeah. This is going to work out just fine. |
[A loud fart is heard which we assume is PETER] |
Excuse me! |
Clip 18 S08 E16: "April in Quahog" |
It's nice for different generations to sit down and talk. Nice for a younger generation to learn of the childhoods of their elders. Sometimes. But not THIS time. No. Definitely not THIS time. |
Boy |
Tell me about when you were young, Grandpa. |
Grandpa |
Oh, sonny... those were crazy times. My friends and I were out of control. We used to give each other Wet Willies and Funny Arms. We played Dandy Balls and Legs A-Spread and Penis Butt. |
Boy |
Sounds kinda gay, Grandpa. |
Grandpa |
It WAS gay... EVERYONE was. But back then we were called Pole Fancies. It was real good old-fashioned grab the nearest tree and hold on for dear life gay. Not today's fancy, feather-bed, thread-count gay. People got hurt back then! |
Boy |
That's gay. |
Grandpa |
Yeah, it was pretty gay! |
Clip 19 S08 E18: "Quagmire's Dad" |
The Navy is throwing a reunion for Quagmire's war hero father, Dan. It's just that... well, he might be a war hero but he's also remembered for other reasons. By so many people. |
Officer 1 |
It was an honour to serve with him. Come on, Dan... let's get a drink. It's great to see you back in your element tonight... surrounded by seamen. |
Peter |
[Giggles childishly] |
Semen! See, Quagmire. I told you he's gay. |
Quagmire |
Shut up, Peter! |
Officer 2 |
Hey, you Dan's boy? |
Quagmire |
That's right. |
Officer 2 |
Your Dad was very brave back in South East Asia. He flew supplies in where others wouldn't dare to go. I can't tell ya how many loads your Dad took when I served with him. |
Quagmire |
Huh? |
Officer 3 |
Glen, I wouldn't miss this night for the world. Everyone here admires your Dad. He'd walk into an Army barracks and make every Private there feel important. Yeah... he just knew how to stroke those privates. |
Quagmire |
Oh God! |
Officer 4 |
Your Dad was cock-of-the-walk, Glen. Every day at Rifle Training, he'd help me clean my butt. |
Officer 5 |
Your Dad once drank me under the table. |
Officer 6 |
If there was one man you wanted in your hole, it was your Dad. |
Officer 7 |
Your Dad had the best penis in the military. |
Quagmire |
OKAY, JUST STOP! STOP! EVERYBODY STOP! Dad? Are you gay? |
Dan |
No, Glen. I'm not gay. |
Quagmire |
Just... just tell me the truth. |
Dan |
I am telling you the truth. Now calm down. You're ruining this ball. You know how much I love balls. |
Quagmire |
ALL RIGHT COME ON, NOW. THAT'S NOT HELPING! |
Clip 20 S08 E18: "Quagmire's Dad" |
Quagmire has just found out that Brian boinked his father. Quagmire is not happy about this and he's kicked the sh*t out of Brian in his own home. |
Quagmire |
IF I EVER SEE YOU ANYWHERE NEAR MY HOUSE, I'LL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF! |
[He punches BRIAN in the face four more times] |
NOW LAY THERE AND DIE YOU PIECE OF CRAP! |
[As QUAGMIRE walks out, BRIAN comes to the door to throw his parting shot] |
Brian |
Hey! I f[BEEP]ed your Dad! |
[BRIAN slams the front door] |
Clip 21 S08 E20: "Something, Something, Something, Dark Side (Part 2)" |
It's one of Family Guy's famous Star Wars specials. And in this one, Chewie is clearly a big fan of hugging. A BIG fan of hugging. HUGGING. Yep. Hugging. |
Luke |
Hey, take care of yourself, Chewie. |
Chewie |
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... what's this handshake business, huh? Come here. Come on. Come on. Bring it in. |
Luke |
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.... |
Chewie |
Come on. Come on. |
Luke |
I'm not really a hug person. |
Chewie |
Knock it off. Come here. Come on. Bring it. |
[Reluctantly, LUKE hugs CHEWIE] |
Chewie |
Oh yeah, yeah... hug it out b**ch. Hug it out. Spray that hug all over me. |
Luke |
What's wrong with you? |
Chewie |
What? I just wanna share my throbbing emotions and shoot hot hug all over you. I don't get why that's a problem. |
Clip 22 S08 E20: "Something, Something, Something, Dark Side (Part 2)" |
Stewie is Darth Vader. He's on the dark side of dark. And he's got a troubled belly. Luckily, Princess Leia has now left the Death Star. |
Darth Vader |
Oh thank God that hot chick has gone. Now I can let loose my Darth farts. |
[He lets rip with three farts interspersed with his trademark breathing] |
Clip 23 S08 E20: "Something, Something, Something, Dark Side (Part 2)" |
Luke's severed hand has been replaced with a robotic prosthetic. He's happy about it. But the doctor needs to give him one word of caution. |
Luke |
All right! Is this thing good to go? |
Doctor |
Yeah but practice on a hot dog first. Otherwise you might rip your d*ck off. |
Clip 24 S08 E21: "Partial Terms of Endearment" |
Lois has taken Peter to a college reunion. He's uncomfortable because he doesn't want to meet any of Lois's past conquests. He's in for a surprise on this front. |
Lois |
You're not uncomfortable, are you? |
Peter |
Look, I'm just not wild about the idea of running into anybody you used to date. That's all. |
Lois |
Oh, boy. Speaking of exes, here comes one now. |
Peter |
Oh, man. This is what I was afraid of. If he tries anything while I'm standing here, I'm gonna kick him right in the ball - |
[PETER turns to see that it's actually a woman approaching] |
- GINA?! |
Lois |
Peter? This is Naomi. |
Peter |
Wait... you mean you two used to... you know, bump Japanese cartoon monkey logo mouths? |
Lois |
Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college. |
Peter |
No way! My wife messed around with another chick?! Thank you, God! |
[Cut to GOD stood on a cloud in a cheap commercial] |
God |
Don't mention it, Peter. |
Jingle |
God. He knows what turns you on. |
V/O |
Have fun! |
Clip 25 S08 E21: "Partial Terms of Endearment" |
Naomi is coming to the Griffin house to discuss a proposal. Peter assumes that it's of the sexual variety. And he's eager to get that particular party started. If you know what I mean. |
Peter |
All right, go on, beat it... all of you. |
Brian |
Peter, you're not gonna be having a three-way with Lois and her friend. Lois isn't even into women. She just had that one experience in college with that girl, Naomi. |
Peter |
Naomi's the one who's coming. |
Brian |
[Fights to get back inside] |
Let me stay! Let me stay! |
[PETER shuts the whole family outside] |
Lois |
Peter, why are you so antsy? |
Peter |
Because Naomi will be here shortly and I'm anxious to get started. |
Lois |
What do you mean? We don't even know why she's coming. |
Peter |
We don't... we don't even know... why she's coming... you are so adorable. I'm gonna do you second. |
Lois |
Huh?! |
Clip 26 S08 E21: "Partial Terms of Endearment" |
Not even Sesame Street is safe from the pen of Seth MacFarlane. I mean, using The Count to make a cheap joke about Meg's appearance? Hmm. That's MY childhood ruined! |
Lois |
But really, Meg... you don't know anything about this stuff. You've never even had a boyfriend more than a few weeks. |
Meg |
I have, too! Remember when I dated The Count? |
[We cut to a scene from Sesame Street. MEG (her back to the camera) exposes her breasts to THE COUNT who begins to... well, to count!] |
Count |
One nipple, hahahaha. Two nipples, hahahaha. Three nip... oh, hell no. I'm outta here! |