19 MP3 Audio clips from Season 9 of Family Guy (1999)

PLAY ALL 662 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

The whole of Quahog has been invited to dinner at a mansion house. It's all gone wrong and now the guests need help.

Derek

Look! He's got a landline we can use.

Lois

Oh, no... y'know, I wouldn't feel right about that. We're guests and it's long-distance.

[BRIAN picks up the receiver and hammers the cradle with his finger]

Brian

Doesn't matter. The line's dead.

[There's widespread panic as the enormity of the situation sinks in]

Mr. Herbert

Whoa, whoa, whoa! All right, look. Everybody but Chris just keep your pants on and let's figure a way out of this!

Everyone is under suspicion. The guests are seeing shadows around every corner. Diane Simmons has her own theory about the killer.

Diane

Yeah, but what about the old guy? I heard him complaining about Woods in the dining room.

Mr. Herbert

That's true. He replaced my Cialis with Methamphetamines.

[Cut to street, two small boys on bicycles]

Boy 1

PEDAL FASTER!

Boy 2

I can't go any faster!

[Camera pans to show MR. HERBERT moving with incredible speed on his Zimmer frame chasing the two children]

Mr. Herbert

Where you goin' kids? Hey, I just wanna talk to ya. Why don't you come over to my place for a glass of wine and a couple of fruit pies then we can go in the back room and play Crazy Snakes. Heeeeeeeeeeeee!

Mr. Herbert has volunteered to be partnered up with Chris to explore the mansion. No great surprise there, then. Question is, what's Mr. Herbert hiding in his humble house on Spooner Street?

Mr. Herbert

Chris, I'm worried with this killer on the loose. If I should die... I just want you to know that... they might find some things. Strange things. Things that don't make sense to ya.

Chris

Mmmm, okay.

Mr. Herbert

And there's gonna be a lot of talk. Nasty talk. And I just want you to know from me it's all gonna be out of context.

Chris

I don't know what that means.

Mr. Herbert

IT MEANS IF I DIE, YOU GOTTA BURN MY HOUSE DOWN!

It's bad enough to imagine your father-in-law having an affair with a much, much younger woman. But even worse to catch them in the act. It's... eeeww!

[PETER opens a door on CARTER PEWTERSCHMIDT'S yacht to find him in bed with a much younger woman]

Carter

Ahh, that was excellent. When I clenched it, you took your fingers away. You were right to do that.

Peter

Oh my God! Mister Pewterschmidt, you're havin' an affair? Eeeww!

Carter

No, no... this is my sister.

Peter

Eeeww!

Carter

No, no, no... I'm impotent.

Peter

Eeeww!

Carter

I mean... she looked at me while I did it to myself.

Peter

Eeeww!

Carter

I mean... she's a man.

Peter

Eeeww!

Carter has to make reparations for his infidelity and Peter has an idea. He must insult the French using a loudhailer. Shouldn't be too difficult, huh?

Carter

[Clears his throat]

PEOPLE OF FRANCE... A GOOD-LOOKING, DEPRESSED GUY SMOKING A CIGARETTE IS NOT A MOVIE. AND YOUR SIRENS SOUND LIKE GAY GUYS HAVING A THREESOME.

[The sound that follows defies description but let's just say it's offensive to both gay men AND to the French]

Brian has become a successful author but his book has been pipped to the top spot by yet another Michael Jackson biography. Which prompts this outburst. Which is questionable on so many levels.

Stewie

Oh, look at this! Your book is number three on Amazon.

Brian

Number three? Well, who's number one?

Stewie

Oh, it's that new biography on Michael Jackson.

Brian

Oh, come on. Another one?! Unless it was written by a ten-year-old's bottom, who cares?!

In a rare live-action insert, Seth MacFarlane's father (Ronald Milton MacFarlane) makes a cameo as the narrator of this Yuletide classic.

Ronald

And so Brian and Stewie set off on the road to the North Pole. Hey, you wanna hear a real live-action fart instead of one of those fake cartoony ones?

[RONALD lifts himself up on to one buttock and lets rip]

Ronald

We're gonna need another pair of pants. And another chair.

If Seth MacFarlane had written the adventures of Winnie-the-Pooh, it would have been a very different story. In so, so many ways.

Winnie-the-Pooh

C'mon, Eeyore. Let's go play.

Eeyore

I don't feel like it.

Winnie-the-Pooh

Why are you always in such a bad mood?

Eeyore

I have a nail in my anus.

Winnie-the-Pooh

Oh.

Meg's amazing definition of hope has been plagiarised by Chris. She's understandably quite upset that he gets to meet Barack Obama whilst she, as usual, gets no glory whatsoever.

Stewie

Meg, for God's sake, relax. You're not the first person to be outshined by a sibling. What about the third Brontë sister?

[We cut to an early 1800s parlour scene]

Charlotte

Oh,Emily... Wuthering Heights was truly splendid.

Emily

Oh no, Charlotte. Jane Eyre was so very brilliant.

Sister

I made blood out me lady parts!

Charlotte

Good for you! So, we've all done something!

Sister

It's 'appenin' now!

[Cut back to the Griffin living room]

Brian

Ah! It's a period joke!

Peter

It's a period period joke.

Brian

Ha ha!

Peter

Okay, moving on...

Long story mercifully short, Brian is facing death in order to save Peter. He's always wanted to ask Lois this and on the eve of his demise, the time finally seems right.

Brian

And Lois. I only ask this because of the dire situation I'm in... but... can I... can I hump your leg for fifteen uninterrupted seconds?

Lois

I suppose so, Brian.

[The camera remains tight on LOIS but the audio and slight movement of her head suggests what might be happening beneath]

I... I said you could do it for fifteen seconds.

Brian

Didn't need it!

There are MILFs, right? And GILFs. But in Stewie's little world, there are also BILFs. Yeah. I know. If Stewie weren't a cartoon baby, we'd be justifiably outraged at the very suggestion. Eeeww!

Stewie

Oh wait, wait, BILF! Total BILF!

[As STEWIE'S stroller passes hers, he pretends to be mid-conversation]

Yeah, so goin' pretty good, I got six pacifiers now.

[The target of STEWIE'S affections doesn't give him so much as a side-ward glance]

That was a big nothin'!

How about the seagull sound from Family Guy as a ringtone or message tone? You know you want it. WE know you want it. And we always give our visitors what they want.

In a bizarre double date, Brian and Cheryl are sharing a table with Quagmire and Gillian. They should really just swap partners but no. They decide, instead, to engage in this ridiculous exchange.

Brian

So, uh... how did you guys get together?

Gillian

Um, he showed up at my door and said he was a Federal Boob Inspector. And I was going to tell him to go away but he had a warrant.

Quagmire

It was a Snickers wrapper, Brian. I held up a Snickers wrapper.

Brian

Well, I guess you guys have gotten pretty close, huh? Did Quagmire ever tell you he was obese as a child?

Quagmire

Did Brian ever tell you he once had a tick on the back of his neck that he couldn't reach with his mouth and it swelled up to the size of a ping-pong ball?

Brian

Well, it was still smaller than that thing you had on your lip for three years.

Quagmire

Oh! Three years? You mean like the three years you have left on this planet?

Brian

Oh, that's nice. Hey, if you guys are so close... maybe Gillian should know that you teach a class in picking up women.

Quagmire

And Cheryl should know that you took that class.

Brian

Does Gillian know you're half-Polish, Mister Quagglechek?

Quagmire

YOU SON OF A B**CH!

[The altercation degenerates into a full-on bar brawl in the middle of a romantic restaurant]

Two questions. What's a "bro-ster"? And is a "paginis" really what I think it is? Actually, third question. No. No. I'd really rather not know. Just enjoy this moment of insanity.

Brian

Boy, Carol's lucky to have a sister like Lois.

Peter

You're tellin' me. I always wanted a brother or sister. But, instead, I got a bro-ster.

[Childhood flashback - PETER is laying on the floor playing with toys when in walks his "bro-ster"]

Bro-ster

Hey, Peter. You wanna see my paginis?

Peter

Uh... I... I don't know.

Carol is marrying Mayor Adam West. Carter Pewterschmidt is giving away his second daughter. And he's got a really weird way of doing it.

[The wedding march plays as CARTER walks CAROL down the aisle. He gives his daughter's hand to ADAM WEST]

Carter

Good luck. Hope you like weird boobs!

There's been an outbreak of Goat Flu. Which isn't too different to Covid-19, really. It's time to launch a public health offensive the likes of which Quahog has never before seen.

Tom Tucker

Health officials have said that a vaccine is not yet available. And if you're not scared yet, here's some footage of people sneezing at a salad bar.

[Cut to three people sneezing all over the contents of a salad bar]

Peter

Oh dear!

Tom Tucker

Here's some footage of people licking subway turnstiles.

[Cut to a number of people licking subway turnstiles]

Peter

Oh!

Tom Tucker

Here's some footage of a man with the flu making out with you while you're asleep.

[Cut to footage of a man snogging PETER whilst he's asleep]

Peter

Oh my God!

During the Goat Flu outbreak, Peter is home-schooling Chris and Meg. I don't have words for this. Truly I don't. I'll let Peter do the talking and I'll apologise in advance.

Peter

All right, class. Today's final exam will consist of two parts. Oral and anal.

Cleveland is R2-D2 in this Family Guy version of Return of the Jedi.

R2-D2

Oh! Luke! Did you want me to throw you your light-sabre?

Luke

Yeah, about ten minutes ago!

R2-D2

Just so you know, the compartment I keep your light-sabre in is my rectum.

And Peter plays Han Solo. And in this universe, he has a sideline. He runs a recruitment agency. Which, predictably, he's called Han Jobs. [Cue: double kick drum and cymbal crash]

Hans

Economy got you down? Stressed out? Worried about your future? Sounds like you need a Han Job. I'm Han Solo and I have jobs for everyone. Come by and apply for your Han Job and I'll get you off and running. Other websites jerk you around and don't finish what they start. But with HanJobs.org, we'll have you shootin' for the stars. But keep it down. My neighbours don't know what's goin' on in here.