35 MP3 Audio clips from Season 11 of Family Guy (1999)

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The Griffins are racing the Fishmans to the peak of Everest. I know, right? Thing is, Peter has bought a GPMS machine. It's like a GPS machine but with PMS. Obviously.

Brian

Okay... the Fishmans are heading up the North face. But I've been studying this map and I think we've got a better chance of beating them if we go up the South face.

Peter

Oh, we don't need a map, Brian. I've got us a GPMS machine.

[PETER turns on the GPMS machine]

GPMS Machine

Go up! What do you think? Just go up!

Peter

Sorry.

GPMS Machine

Okay, can everyone just stop freaking out and just give me, like, two minutes? God! Everyone's always yelling at me. With... all the questions!

Peter

All right, well maybe we'll turn you on later and see how you feel.

On the way back down to base camp, a storm closes in. The Griffins are in big trouble. If snow blindness doesn't kill them, hypothermia just might.

Lois

This is terrible. The storm keeps getting worse.

Meg

Mom, I can't even see.

Stewie

And the scarf Brian called a "gay waste" makes a rather important appearance!

The Fishmans (minus their son who you are about to find out was a meal for the starving Griffins) are being medevacked off the mountain.

Mrs Fishman

Well, thank you, both. You saved our lives.

Mr Fishman

And Peter? I'll never forget what you did for us. You're a good man.

Peter

All right. You rest up, get better, we ate your son. BRING IT UP!

It's just been discovered that Quagmire has been wearing a toupée for some time. Since he stopped, he's become a real bore. The boys want their buddy back.

Peter

Come on. We want our buddy back.

Quagmire

I'm not putting that toupée on again, Peter so I... I'm not sure what you want me to do.

Brian

You could get a hair transplant.

Quagmire

You're right. This isn't me. Baldness is for womens' crotches, not mens' heads.

Peter

There you go! That's pretty gross.

Brian and Stewie are spying on Carter Pewterschmidt. With good reason. Something fishy is going on.

Brian

Wait! How are we seeing this?

Stewie

Oh, I've got a nanny-cam hidden inside his house. Watching him nail his cleaning woman is how I'm learning Spanish. Although I'm not sure what the Spanish word "no" means because it doesn't seem to mean the same thing as it does here.

I'm not sure why this clip amuses me so much, particularly since Rupert is a teddy bear and wouldn't even have balls.

Stewie

Rupert, move your legs. I can see your balls.

Four words. WAY too much information. I mean, I understand the importance of wiping front to back. Every parent does. But a CAT? WTAF?!

Quagmire

Hey, listen. Thanks for agreeing to take care of Principessa while we're gone, Lois.

Lois

It's our pleasure. She looks like a nice kitty.

Quagmire

Uh, kitty? Lois, she's a pure-bred Persian. I can trace her lineage to the cats kept by Cleopatra.

Lois

Just tell me what I need to do, Glen.

Quagmire

Well, first she has a very active bowel. You can't be too generous with the baby wipes. Stroke front to back like you would on yourself otherwise you're smashing faeces into her genitals.

Joe's nemesis is Briggs, the man who put him in a wheelchair. And having escaped from police custody, he's being pursued by Joe, Quagmire and Peter.

Quagmire

Briggs is ahead of us. Won't he already be there?

Joe

No. He'd never risk going through an airport. Too many cops, too many cameras, too much security.

Peter

I don't know, Joe. Sometimes the security's pretty lax. I mean, the last plane I was on got gay-jacked.

[Cut to interior of a charter plane. A man suddenly stands up holding a gun]

Gay-jacker

THIS PLANE'S GOING TO MIAMI!

[A dance track begins to play and the cabin is filled with disco lighting]

Lois has become depressed at turning thirty-six and it's down to her family and friends to throw her a surprise party to cheer her up. Cheer her up. That's the operative phrase here.

Peter

Everyone? Everyone? I have something to say.

[PETER begins reading from a handwritten note in his hand]

To my dearest Lois on her birthday. What a journey we've had together. You know, life has a way of changing things. What were once two firm, impressive mountain peaks have become a barren strip-mined muddy landslide that droops ever downward. What were once pink and succulent rose petals now take the form of the shredded, raggedy, blown-out end-piece of a practical joker's exploding cigar.

Lois

Yeah, Peter... that... that's enough.

Lois is now having a mid-life crisis and this started with a tattoo she's had inked on her lower back, just above her buttocks.

Brian

Lois, you do know that's permanent?

Lois

Good. Then that means my ass is going to look young forever.

[LOIS walks out of the room]

Peter

Guys... I, uh... I gotta go shoot one into the sink.

[PETER follows LOIS out of the room]

Stewie has adopted a stray turtle. But the turtle has turned out to be something of a d*ck. He's clearly intent on killing Stewie and making life really uncomfortable for everyone else.

Brian

All right. Very funny, Stewie.

Stewie

What?

Brian

What do you mean what? You replaced my Jack Daniels with flat Diet Coke.

Stewie

No, I didn't. And you're noticing this at 8.20 in the morning? What has happened to your life? Do you need to talk?

Brian

Just stay away from my booze.

Stewie

It wasn't me, Brian.

Brian

Well, if it wasn't you, who was it? I mean, there's a lot of weird stuff going on around here lately. Just yesterday somebody gave Peter a hot butt. And then somebody replaced Meg's sleeping pills with Alka Seltzer.

[Cut to MEG'S bedroom where she's swallowing a handful of what she believes to be sleeping tablets]

Meg

People are gonna miss me when I'm -

[She lets out an almighty belch]

Lois has summoned Peter to the basement. That's not a euphemism. Although to be honest, it's kinda hard with this clip to say what is and isn't a double-entendre. Carpet? Hmm. No idea.

Peter

What is it, Lois? I was watchin'... Whoa! Lois! What the hell you doin'?

Lois

Do me, Peter. Do me right here in the basement.

Peter

Y... you mean... this room we're in, or your bum?

Lois

No. This room, Peter. Right here on the carpet.

Peter

Oh, so you mean the front?

This is the nativity story like it's never been told before. Peter is Joseph. Lois is Mary. Brian is a fellow carpenter. Innuendo litters every line. You won't find THIS version in any bible.

Brian

All right! You got a date!

Joseph

Yeah, just hope it goes better than my last one.

[Cut to mud hut interior. JOSEPH is laying next to a woman he's just made love to]

Woman

Wow! Joseph... that was great.

Joseph

Yeah, I've gotta say I'm a little disappointed. When you said I could do you in your mud hut, I thought you meant something else.

We're still with the Griffin nativity. Here the Angel Gabriel is about to appear to Mary to tell her that she's going to be miraculously with child.

Mary

[Gasps]

Angel Gabriel

Fear not, pretty lady who ain't never had no relations. I's been sent to bring you the message that tonight you's gonna be gettin' pregnant with the son o' God! It's the miracle. Yaaaaaay!

Mary

I am?

Angel Gabriel

Yeah and he's gonna be here soon so you might wanna spruce yourself up. Maybe walk in the creek a little bit. Oh, and he probably don' t want me to tell you this but be ready 'cos he might give you a little bit of a donkey punch.

The scene is set. A manger lies ready. Doctor Hartman is miraculously there to assist with the birth. And out pops Stewie. As Jesus of course.

Jesus

And.... BC turns to AD! How's everybody doin'?

Mary

Oh... he's a miracle!

Jesus

Hey, if you're a virgin, how come I shot out of there like a greased-up cannonball?

Chris has been sent to Space Camp. It's cost Peter and Lois a small fortune. And ultimately, Chris can't take it. He just can't cope with it all.

Chris

I'm sorry. I thought I could handle it here. But I was wrong.

Lois

That's okay, Honey. Everyone makes mistakes.

Chris

Yeah, remember when the fat man brought home that cougar-chick?

[Cut to Griffin living room. A decidedly ropy looking woman is sat on the couch next to STEWIE]

Peter

You make yourself comfortable, Beth. I'll be right back.

Beth

Hi, young man. I'm lookin' for a good time.

Stewie

Uh huh.

Beth

I'm worldy. I'm fun. This ain't mileage. This is experience.

Stewie

Not interested.

Beth

Listen. Just so there are no surprises, don't be scared. My stuff looks like someone spilled an apple pie in my lap.

Stewie

Urgh... yuk.

When someone says, "Don't press the red button", it's probably best not to press the red button. Especially on a space shuttle.

Brian

I think we're launching.

Lois

Oh my God. Everyone strap yourselves in. Stewie, hold my hand.

Stewie

No thank you. I'd prefer to die giving you the finger.

Peter, Joe and Quagmire were so wasted last night they can't remember what happened. But WE know. Oh yes. Quagmire got married. And his bride is no blushing virgin.

Quagmire

Oh no. You mean...

Charnese

That's right, baby. As of last night... we're man and wife. By the way, I need you to call my pimp and tell him I quit.

Quagmire

Oh my God, I... I married a HOOKER?

Peter

MARRIED? Ahhhh, right... Bachelor party. C'mon. Back to Boston!

[PETER reverses out of the driveway and collides with a yellow car on the street]

Uh oh... dammit. I guess we're not goin'. Hey, Stewie. Here's five bucks. Get naked.

Charnese is willing to grant Quagmire a divorce. But she has one condition. He says he's gay. Well, now he has to prove it. By letting her watch him get it on with another man. Yikes!

Charnese

Dammit, Glen. If you're not gay then the divorce... is off.

Quagmire

No, no, I am. I swear to God.

Charnese

All right. Fine. If you're really gay and you want that divorce, all you've got to do is one thing. Let me watch you have sex with a man.

Quagmire

Wh... what?

[Sighs resignedly]

All right, Charnese. I'll do it. If that's what it takes, I'll have sex with another man.

[Cut to recreation of the famous scene from It's A Wonderful Life]

Zuzu

Look, Daddy. Teacher says every time a bell rings, some gay guy's gonna have sex with another gay guy.

George

We're gonna pull you out of that school.

It's Valentine's Day in Quahog and even Meg has managed to bag herself a date. Even Meg. Which means there's definitely hope for the rest of us, right?

Brian

Wow, Meg. You look nice. You got a date?

Meg

Yeah, I totally hit it off with this great guy in [sic] the internet. And we're finally gonna meet.

Stewie

Okay, remember to ask questions about him. Seem interested. Listen. Giggle. Swallow.

Stewie has travelled back in time and unknowingly developed an instant crush on his own infant mother. Only in Family Guy... can they get away with this sh*t!

Baby Lois

Ball please!

Stewie

Hello! Oh, this must be yours.

[He hands her the ball]

Baby Lois

Thanks!

Stewie

My God! She's incredible! Rupert, I must bring her back to the present and raise her to be my wife. Oh, God... I bet that diaper is soaking wet.

Chris needs new trainers. It's the only thing that will stop the school bullies picking on him for his dubious footwear. Sadly, the Griffin budget can't stretch that far.

Lois

Look, Chris. I'm sorry but money's tight right now.

Peter

Yeah, I even had to take a second job as a door-to-door vacuum salesman.

[Cut to interior of a house]

Peter

This thing can pick up anything. Here's a little demonstration. I'll pour some wine, rub in some faeces and to top it off, some mustard mixed with faeces. Tough stain, right? Oh crap, I forgot the vacuum!

I debated as to whether to include this. Because it's a visual gag. You have to be able to see Georgia O'Keeffe forming a V with her index and middle finger and licking between them. Or DO you...?!

Interviewer

Now, Miss O'Keeffe, the flowers in your paintings... what do they represent?

O'Keeffe

Oh, wow. That's a really good question...

[She begins to mime what can only be described as cunnilingus]

Lois has a new job. She's been recruited directly because she has the perfect voice for it. It's a telephony role. Of sorts.

Lois

Wait a minute! This is a phone sex operation. I... I can't do this.

Boss

It pays two grand a week, sweetie.

Lois

Oh my God. With that type of money I could buy pots and pans at Williams-Sonoma.

[Cut to Williams-Sonoma. A salesman places a large pile of pans on the counter]

Salesman

This is a very nice set. You must be a phone whore.

Lois

You bet your sweet ass I am!

And so, grudgingly at first, Lois acclimatises to her role as a phone sex worker. And then she receives a call from Quagmire. Who always gets freaky. And not in a good way.

Lois

Hi. I'm Classy.

Quagmire

All right, let's get this going, Sweetcheeks. You got a handkerchief?

Lois

Uh... yeah.

Quagmire

Good. Ball that up and stick it in your mouth.

[LOIS does as instructed]

Lois

Okay.

Quagmire

Now, what else you got there? You got a stapler?

Lois

Uh huh. Uh... yeah.

Quagmire

Okay, why don't you go ahead and stick that in your mouth, too?

[LOIS does as instructed]

How 'bout a mousepad?

Lois

Uh huh.

Quagmire

Yeah, go ahead and roll that up and stuff it in there.

[LOIS does as instructed]

Did you get a packet from HR when you started working there?

Lois

[Mumbles unintelligibly]

Quagmire

Okay, I'll take that as a yes and I'm pretty certain you know what I want you to do with it.

[LOIS does as instructed]

Quagmire

Okay. You think you can fit anything else in your mouth?

Lois

[Makes a negative sound]

Quagmire

All right, so now let's start filling up some other places.

Peter is going to Montreal with Joe and Quagmire. He's going to see the strip clubs but he's told Lois he's going away on business.

Peter

All right, I gotta say goodbye to the kids.

[He approaches STEWIE]

Hey, Champ. I want you to have this pocket watch. It still works even though it's got a lot of civil war brains all over it.

[He approaches MEG]

Meg... I want you to have this sad-sounding fart.

[He grabs MEG'S face, rams it between his buttocks and lets loose]

[He approaches CHRIS]

Chris, people are gonna tell you that you're stupid and that you're no good.

[He walks away]

Bye, Otis!

Not sure why Family Guy employed Robert Loggia to record this but it works. And it could make a good ringtone or message tone. Enjoy!

Robert Loggia

Eight fu*king hours later!

Peter and Lois are making out on the sofa. Between Chris and Meg. Which is disturbing enough. But just listen to what they say to each other! And then Stewie. Oh my God... Stewie!

Lois

Oh, Peter! I want you to do me so hard that we have to change churches!

Chris

Gross!

Peter

I wanna wreck you so bad you'll look like an exploded hot pocket.

Meg

Oh my God!

Stewie

Can I interest you guys in a two and a quarter way?

Peter is in the cubicle next to Mort when he drops his phone into the toilet. Peter. Not Mort. Peter's phone. Just to be clear.

Peter

Oh, dammit!

Mort

What happened?

Peter

I dropped my phone in the toilet. Oh, oh... it's so cold and it's under everything. Urgh, feel like I'm rootin' around a pitcher of sangria. Ugh, where is it? Oh my God, why haven't I found it yet? Oh no I didn't roll my sleeve up far enough. Oh! Why didn't I flush when I got in here? Ugh, this isn't even all mine! Oh no, there's a spider crawling on my face. Oh, why didn't I use the hand that was on the floor? Why did I use my toilet hand? Oh, wait. Here it is. Behind the toilet.

It might take a moment to realise what Quagmire has said. But when you realise, you can't unhear it. You have been warned. The guy needs a kicking of epic proportions.

Quagmire

Oh, man... you guys should come with me some time. Montreal has the best strip clubs in the world.

Joe

They do?

Quagmire

Yeah, they're unbelievable. The girls up in Canada are gorgeous and they all play Ice Hockey so they lose their teeth by age ten.

Quahog is some city. It even has its own version of Seaworld. But Quahog is in the grip of a violence epidemic. And even the animals are getting in on the act.

Host

And now, let's meet our star. Give a warm, Quahog Oceanland welcome to Bo Jangles!

[A sealion emerges from the water and pulls a knife on the HOST]

Bo Jangles

All the fish in the bucket... NOW! Not one fish at a time as a reward. ALL OF THEM!

Host

Okay! Okay. Take it easy.

Bo Jangles

Okay. The one thing you don't want to do is tell me to take it easy. Now do that thing where you rub my belly. I really like that.

[The HOST begins rubbing BO JANGLE'S belly]

Bo Jangles

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Now I'm gonna balance a ball on your face!

To escape the violence in Quahog, Peter has bought a farm in the middle of nowhere. Prepare yourself for more incest-based innuendo than you've ever heard before in your life. Really. I mean it.

Peter

Hey, I thought I told you kids to go plough in the field.

Chris

But, Dad... we've been ploughing all morning.

Meg

Yeah, I can't take any more ploughing. I can barely walk.

Peter

Look, I know it seems like dirty work but Chris, you gotta spread that seed until your sack is empty. And Meg, you gotta clear away all that brush so he can plant it deep where it needs to be.

Chris

Okay, we'll keep at it. But I think that hoe is pretty much worn out.

Peter

Well, flip it over. You can use both sides.

The family have returned to Quahog, realising that you can't run away from your problems. Especially when they're right on your doorstep.

Brian

That's right, Lois. 'Cause wherever you run to, your problems have a funny way of finding you.

[There's a knock on the door]

Female Voice

Hey! Are you guys in there? Peter? I need a taste.

[PETER goes to the window]

Peter

Oh my God, it's Jodie Sweetin. Quick! Everyone lie on the floor.

[The whole family drop to the floor]

Jodie Sweetin

Peter? C'mon! I've got Maureen McCormick with me. She'll let you finish anywhere!

Long story short, Peter has sat on Stewie's harmonica in the bath and it's now lodged in his rectum. He can now play the harmonica by farting. Got it? I know. Just bear with me. It's actually funny.

Peter

Hey, Lois. How was your day?

Lois

Terrible. I accidentally backed over a kid in the grocery store parking lot.

[PETER plays a blues riff on his anal harmonica]

Peter, I'm serious. I ran right over the soft part of the face. I had to run away. I ditched the car and jumped on a passing train.

[PETER imitates a steam train on his anal harmonica]

I was so scared, I didn't get off until I was in the South.

[PETER plays Colonel Bogey on his anal harmonica]

Lois

What did you do today?

Peter

I pushed a boy behind your car so I could do all this harmonica stuff.

Peter's musical career is over, his harmonica having fallen out of his ass during an appearance on America's Got Talent.

Peter

Wonder if I can get my old job back? Painting kids' faces at birthday parties.

[Cut to PETER painting a child's face at a birthday party]

There you go, Timmy.

Father

Sir, you're gonna have to leave. You're just drawing penises with a Sharpie on childrens' faces.

Peter

I don't know how to draw a cat.