27 MP3 Audio clips from Season 12 of Family Guy (1999)

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Peter and Lois have been having a disagreement. Which causes Peter to accuse Lois of being stubborn. As stubborn, in fact, as a four hour erection!

Peter

Jeez, you are not gonna let this go, are you? You're as stubborn as a four hour erection.

[Cut to bedroom, a man is laying in bed. He raises the sheet and begins to speak to his penis]

Man

Well... she's long gone so,uh... you can go, too.

Penis

Oh no. You've got me for another three and a half hours, pal. Go ahead... seek medical attention. I'm not going anywhere.

Man

You can't stay. I'm chaperoning my daughter's Girl Scout dinner in forty-five minutes!

Penis

Well, tuck me into your waistband and try not to pee up your shirt.

Meg is riding pillion on a jet-ski piloted by Chris. Let's not dwell on how or why this came to happen but concentrate instead on just how weird this is going to get.

Chris

Why are your nipples poking into me?

Meg

Sorry. It happens when I'm cold.

Chris

But why are there three of them?

Meg

There aren't. Two of them are moles.

Chris

Those numbers still don't add up!

The whole town is on a treasure hunt. One of the clues leads to the grave of the son of the town's founder. Which isn't at ALL creepy or macabre, eh?

Quagmire

Well, I hate to say it but I guess we're supposed to dig this kid up. Any volunteers?

Mr. Herbert

I dig kids!

Stewie. Some things he says sound really, really creepy but then you have to remember that he's a baby. And therefore that makes it okay. Doesn't it? No. Probably not. Sorry.

Peter

This is my vestigial twin. I named him Chip.

Stewie

Well, keep that freakish thing under wraps. I don't want it cramping my style when I'm knackin' on toddlers.

Peter's Bar Mitzvah. Not a sentence I ever thought I'd type. He's not Jewish. Which makes this all the more weird. But it's not anti-Semitic. Honest.

Peter

You guys do whatever you want. I got stuff to do anyway. I gotta get ready for my Bar Mitzvah.

[Cut to a synagogue where PETER is about to read from the Torah]

Bar uch atah adonai. I want fancy things like my friend Efrem. I want the newest ten speed bicycle that I will ride once but then I will call my parents and have them come get me. I want to swim in the pool but only with my shirt on. I wanna lose my virginity at twenty-four but tell everyone I was sixteen.

Quagmire is in the market for a new computer and he's dragged Peter and Joe to the Apple Store to choose one with him.

Quagmire

You know what? I think I'm gonna go with this one. Guy said it's the newest version. Just came out this week.

Peter

Yeah, good call, Quagmire. You're gonna be like the first guy in the neighbourhood to own a Model T.

[Cut to early nineteen hundreds street, a man drives slowly along in a Ford Model T whilst pedestrians overtake him]

Man

See ya, suckers! I'll be there an hour after you with throw-up all over my legs!

Stewie has been reunited with his first ever stuffed toy, Oscar. As a result, he's donated his beloved Rupert to Brian. Who really loves him. REALLY loves him. LOVES him.

Stewie

[Gasps]

Brian?

Brian

Oh. Hey!

Stewie

What the hell are you doing?

Brian

Oh, I've been kinda using Rupert as a chew toy.

Stewie

Chewing him with your crotch?!

Brian

Hey, dogs like humping stuffed animals. What can I say? Besides... you said I could have Rupert. I thought you liked Oscar better anyway?

Stewie

Well, I just changed my mind. And you know Rupert's a dude, right? You gaylord!

Quagmire has been training Meg to take on the school bully. It's fight time and the whole student body has gathered to watch the event.

Quagmire

All right, Meg. Remember what I taught you.

Meg

Relax my throat and make eye contact?

Quagmire

No, no. The fighting stuff.

It would almost be worth the study, training and flying hours to become a commercial airline Captain if you could say things like this over the PA.

Captain

This is your Captain speaking. I'm gonna go ahead and turn off the seat belt sign so you idiots can all stretch and let the fart festival begin.

Lois has surprised the whole family with a trip to Italy. They're in Rome, soaking up the sights and sounds of a bustling, European city. Except Peter. He has other priorities.

Lois

Look, kids, this is the Forum where the ancient Romans used to have their famous political debate.

Peter

[Leafing through a copy of Penthouse]

And this is the Penthouse Forum where dirtbags write letters about boning in the back of grocery stores.

Lois

Well, who wants to see where the ancients established the foundation of our American democracy?

Peter

And who wants to hear a story about a girl who moved to New York without any underpants?

[CHRIS, MEG and STEWIE shuffle closer to PETER]

Stewie

I don't know why we even go places. We always just end up reading pornography.

Peter and Quagmire have formed a duet called, er... Griffin & Quagmire. It's not a rip-off of Simon & Garfunkel. At all. Really. Anyway, they're recording a single when...

Quagmire

You gonna fart in this airtight booth all night?

Peter

It wasn't me.

Quagmire

We're the only two people in here! Hey, Bobby, can you play back Peter's track?

[BOBBY commences audio playback from PETER'S microphone. His lyrics are drowned out by a long fart]

Peter

♪

This waitress is prettier than my wife.

Ohhhhhh... thank God.

[BOBBY enters the booth]

Bobby

Come on, Guys you've been bickering all night -

[The smell hits him]

- OH! GOD!

We can all pretend that they're talking about Egg Nog if you like. It's fine. Probably easier to cope with that way. But let's be honest. This whole scene is entirely reminiscent of something else.

Peter

Now everyone knows the best way to get the Christmas spirit is to drink a whole lot of thick, frothy Egg Nog. So get going.

Carter

I don't like Egg Nog.

Peter

Drink the Nog, carter.

Carter

I don't... I don't wanna.

Peter

Take it, Carter. Take all the Nog.

[PETER forces the carton into CARTER'S mouth. He begins to cough and splutter]

Yeah, you like that Nog. Don't spit the Nog out. Now look at the camera for a POV shot. Say "thank you" with the Nog in your mouth.

Carter

Thank you!

Peter

LOUDER!

Carter

THANK YOU!

Peter

Good. Now go down to the hotel lobby and check out with Nog all over your face.

Carter

All right.

Peter is still trying to educate Carter on the subject of Christmas traditions. Funny but these didn't form a large part of my Christmas growing up. How about you?

Peter

Okay, Carter. A big part of Christmas is masturbating like you would any other day but feelin' guilty about it because it's Christmas.

[PETER goes into the bathroom and closes the door, only to reappear seconds later]

Ugh. What's wrong with me?!

Let's be honest. This whole thing was contrived in order for this gag to be used. But it was worth it. It's so, so funny!

Lois

We need money. I... I'm gonna look for a job.

Peter

Yeah, I guess you should. That'll give me more time to focus on expanding my record collection.

[Cut to a record store]

How's this one?

Store Owner

Oh! Bach is very good. I recommend.

Peter

And this one?

Store Owner

Oh! Mozart! The boy genius. The best.

Peter

Okay. How 'bout this?

Store Owner

Oh! Debussy! I love Debussy. Sometimes all I can think about is Debussy. Oh! Look at the pianist. The pianist is so good with Debussy.

Peter

So you like his early work?

Store Owner

Oh, yes. When Debussy was young. That's when you want Debussy.

Peter

Okay, I'll take these two.

Store Owner

Very good, sir. Just make sure you finish on the Bach. Never finish on Debussy.

It's Family Guy's take on fairy tales. We start with Jack & The Beanstalk. Peter plays Jack, Lois plays Dame Durden. And... ACTION!

Dame Durden

Jack, I'm sick of your irresponsible behaviour. Like when you were supposed to be babysittin' Georgie Porgie and his sleazy brother Rick Porgie.

[Cutaway to exterior shot]

Georgie

Hey, Rick! You wanna kiss some girls and make 'em cry?

Rick

No. But let's thumb-blast 'em and make 'em puke!

The story continues. Quagmire joins the cast as "Rumpleforeskin" who is obsessed with Little Miss Muffet's tuffet. Whatever that is. Ahem.

Jack

I think those magic beans grew into a giant beanstalk.

Rumpleforeskin

Hey! Where the hell did that thing come from? It's blocking my view of Little Miss Muffet's tuffet.

Little Miss Muffet

Oooh! Isn't my tuffet soft and pink and wonderful?

Rumpleforeskin

Oh, damnit! I need to see that so I can make curds and whey.

Jack

Relax, Rumpleforeskin!

It's a short clip of Peter following though. Yes. That's exactly what I mean. He soiled himself. And now you can have it as a message tone. You're welcome.

Peter

[Farts]

Uh oh!

I hate to say it but Seth MacFarlane was right. Family Guy was deserving of an Emmy long before it finally won one in 2000. And they had to wait a whole nine years for another. Scandalous!

Quagmire

Sure you don't wanna stay for the show?

Peter

Nah. This place gives me the creeps. Like when I went to that paedophile opera.

[Cut to theatre audience which includes MR. HERBERT]

Announcer

We are proud to present Mozart's The Magic Flute in A Minor.

Audience

[Applaud wildly]

[Cut back to trio in present day]

Peter

And you still won't give us an Emmy? Come on! If Modern Family did that joke you'd be carrying them around on your shoulders!

Stewie has just witnessed Chris being bullied at school. Which leads to a great joke about Scarface and how, perhaps, he didn't know that he was known as Scarface.

Stewie

Oh my God, poor Chris! He's a social outcast. Like Scarface.

[Cut to recreation of the seminal scene from Scarface]

Scarface

Okay. We have a deal. You bring the money... I get you the coke.

Gangster

You got it, Scarface.

Scarface

OH MY GOD! YOU CAN SEE THAT?! THE DOCTOR SAID YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO!

Gangster

Yes. Everyone can see that. That's why we call you Scarface.

Scarface

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WE?!

Peter has become learned. And let's face it, ladies; there's no aphrodisiac like intelligence, huh? Huh? That's right, isn't it? You all love a big brain, don't you?

Lois

Peter, you sound so refined. Are you... intelligent now?

Peter

Affirmative. That means yes. Does that please you?

Lois

It does, Peter.

Peter

Well it should! After all, knowledge is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Shall we away for relations?

Lois

I'm not sure what you're sayin' but let's hump!

[Cut to close-up of bedroom door with audio from within]

Peter

Affirmative! Affirmative! Affirmative! OH MY GOD, AFFIRMATIVE!

Lois

Oh, Peter... that was great.

Peter

It was. Sorry I arrived early.

Lois

That's okay.

Peter

And sorry about the bedspread. That was about a week's worth of arrive.

Chris is dating Pam, Jerome's daughter. Jerome is less than happy about it. In fact, he's forbidden the romance. Peter, however, is a little more relaxed about the whole thing.

Peter

Hey hey hey! There's my new brother-in-law brother now!

Jerome

Griffin? You and me have to talk.

Peter

What's up, blood?

Jerome

Nobody's datin' nobody. You understand?

Peter

Oh, don't worry Jerome. I already gave Chris the sex talk.

[Cut to that particular father-son moment]

Peter

It's... awesome!

In order to ease the growing tensions, Jerome and Pam are invited to the Griffin house for dinner.

Lois

We used to date before I met Peter. So... so what are white women to black men?

Jerome

A very pleasant page in our memory books.

Lois

Awww!

Peter

Oh yeah, that's right. You banged my wife.

Stewie

She did? Ah. No wonder I had so much room in there. Her womb was like one of those places where they reconstruct crashed aeroplanes!

Chris and Pam have run away together. Jerome knows where to start looking. 31 Spooner Street.

Jerome

Griffin! Where the hell is my daughter? She left me a note saying she ran off with Chris.

Peter

Look, let me help ya. I'm great at finding stuff. Last night, I found Lois's G-Spot.

Lois

No he didn't.

Peter

I didn't know she was home. I... I was able to please her in other ways, though.

Lois

No.

Peter

Okay, let's just go.

Peter and Jerome are searching for Chris and Pam when they get pulled over. Peter decides that honesty is the best policy. Just a shame he didn't audition this thought before he voiced it.

Jerome

Oh, man!

Peter

Look, relax. We'll just tell him the truth. We're cruisin' around town lookin' for a sexually active fourteen-year-old boy!

What's with all the paedo jokes? I mean, they're funny but there's just so many of them. I can't ignore them but it feels kinda weird featuring them, too. It's a double-edged sword for Film Funnies.

Lois

Well, life's not always easy, Meg. Just ask an ugly boy scout.

[Cut to a campfire at which sits a SCOUT and his SCOUTMASTER, toasting marshmallows]

Scout

Scout Master Davenport? Do you wanna share a tent with me tonight?

Scoutmaster

Oh, Billy. I like you as a friend.

Donna has spanked Chris for smashing her favourite vase. Lois isn't having that. Nobody spanks her son. It's time to confront the woman and put things right.

Lois

I don't spank and my children are very well behaved.

Donna

Oh yeah? Your baby's on the roof right now!

Lois

STEWIE! YOU GET DOWN FROM THERE, THIS INSTANT!

Stewie

MUNCH ME, B**CH!

Lois

RIGHT NOW, STEWIE OR YOU'RE IN TIME-OUT!

Stewie

HOW MANY GREY PUBES YOU PLUCKED TODAY, YOU OLD BAG?!

By popular request, it's the musical score than accompanies Stewie's frequent adventures in his time machine. Perfect for a ring tone or a message tone, I feel.