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27 MP3 Audio clips from Season 12 of Family Guy (1999)

Family Guy is one of the longest running (and arguably the funniest) cartoon shows ever to come out of the USA. It follows the dysfunctional Griffin family; Peter, Lois, Meg, Chris, Stewie and their talking dog Brian as they survive life in a small Rhode Island town. Expect filth, cursing, sick jokes and twisted animation. All the things we really love, huh?!

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Timestamp: 2024-01-08 | Added: 2020-05-03
Family Guy

Family Guy | Season 12

© 1999 20th Century Fox Television

Family Guy is one of the longest running (and arguably the funniest) cartoon shows ever to come out of the USA. It follows the dysfunctional Griffin family; Peter, Lois, Meg, Chris, Stewie and their talking dog Brian as they survive life in a small Rhode Island town. Expect filth, cursing, sick jokes and twisted animation. All the things we really love, huh?!

UPDATED: | CLIPS: 637

WARNING: ADULT CONTENT!

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Clip 1

S12 E01: "Finders Keepers"

Peter and Lois have been having a disagreement. Which causes Peter to accuse Lois of being stubborn. As stubborn, in fact, as a four hour erection!

Download Clip 0169-261 to your PC / Mac  

Peter

Jeez, you are not gonna let this go, are you? You're as stubborn as a four hour erection.

[Cut to bedroom, a man is laying in bed. He raises the sheet and begins to speak to his penis]

Man

Well... she's long gone so,uh... you can go, too.

Penis

Oh no. You've got me for another three and a half hours, pal. Go ahead... seek medical attention. I'm not going anywhere.

Man

You can't stay. I'm chaperoning my daughter's Girl Scout dinner in forty-five minutes!

Penis

Well, tuck me into your waistband and try not to pee up your shirt.

Clip 2

S12 E01: "Finders Keepers"

Meg is riding pillion on a jet-ski piloted by Chris. Let's not dwell on how or why this came to happen but concentrate instead on just how weird this is going to get.

Download Clip 0169-262 to your PC / Mac  

Chris

Why are your nipples poking into me?

Meg

Sorry. It happens when I'm cold.

Chris

But why are there three of them?

Meg

There aren't. Two of them are moles.

Chris

Those numbers still don't add up!

Clip 3

S12 E01: "Finders Keepers"

The whole town is on a treasure hunt. One of the clues leads to the grave of the son of the town's founder. Which isn't at ALL creepy or macabre, eh?

Download Clip 0169-263 to your PC / Mac  

Quagmire

Well, I hate to say it but I guess we're supposed to dig this kid up. Any volunteers?

Mr. Herbert

I dig kids!

Clip 4

S12 E02: "Vestigial Peter"

Stewie. Some things he says sound really, really creepy but then you have to remember that he's a baby. And therefore that makes it okay. Doesn't it? No. Probably not. Sorry.

Download Clip 0169-264 to your PC / Mac  

Peter

This is my vestigial twin. I named him Chip.

Stewie

Well, keep that freakish thing under wraps. I don't want it cramping my style when I'm knackin' on toddlers.

Clip 5

S12 E02: "Vestigial Peter"

Peter's Bar Mitzvah. Not a sentence I ever thought I'd type. He's not Jewish. Which makes this all the more weird. But it's not anti-Semitic. Honest.

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Peter

You guys do whatever you want. I got stuff to do anyway. I gotta get ready for my Bar Mitzvah.

[Cut to a synagogue where PETER is about to read from the Torah]

Bar uch atah adonai. I want fancy things like my friend Efrem. I want the newest ten speed bicycle that I will ride once but then I will call my parents and have them come get me. I want to swim in the pool but only with my shirt on. I wanna lose my virginity at twenty-four but tell everyone I was sixteen.

Clip 6

S12 E03: "Quagmire's Quagmire"

Quagmire is in the market for a new computer and he's dragged Peter and Joe to the Apple Store to choose one with him.

Download Clip 0169-266 to your PC / Mac  

Quagmire

You know what? I think I'm gonna go with this one. Guy said it's the newest version. Just came out this week.

Peter

Yeah, good call, Quagmire. You're gonna be like the first guy in the neighbourhood to own a Model T.

[Cut to early nineteen hundreds street, a man drives slowly along in a Ford Model T whilst pedestrians overtake him]

Man

See ya, suckers! I'll be there an hour after you with throw-up all over my legs!

Clip 7

S12 E03: "Quagmire's Quagmire"

Stewie has been reunited with his first ever stuffed toy, Oscar. As a result, he's donated his beloved Rupert to Brian. Who really loves him. REALLY loves him. LOVES him.

Download Clip 0169-267 to your PC / Mac  

Stewie

[Gasps]

Brian?

Brian

Oh. Hey!

Stewie

What the hell are you doing?

Brian

Oh, I've been kinda using Rupert as a chew toy.

Stewie

Chewing him with your crotch?!

Brian

Hey, dogs like humping stuffed animals. What can I say? Besides... you said I could have Rupert. I thought you liked Oscar better anyway?

Stewie

Well, I just changed my mind. And you know Rupert's a dude, right? You gaylord!

Clip 8

S12 E04: "A Fistful of Meg"

Quagmire has been training Meg to take on the school bully. It's fight time and the whole student body has gathered to watch the event.

Download Clip 0169-268 to your PC / Mac  

Quagmire

All right, Meg. Remember what I taught you.

Meg

Relax my throat and make eye contact?

Quagmire

No, no. The fighting stuff.

Clip 9

S12 E05: "Boopa-Dee Bappa-Dee"

It would almost be worth the study, training and flying hours to become a commercial airline Captain if you could say things like this over the PA.

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Captain

This is your Captain speaking. I'm gonna go ahead and turn off the seat belt sign so you idiots can all stretch and let the fart festival begin.

Clip 10

S12 E05: "Boopa-Dee Bappa-Dee"

Lois has surprised the whole family with a trip to Italy. They're in Rome, soaking up the sights and sounds of a bustling, European city. Except Peter. He has other priorities.

Download Clip 0169-270 to your PC / Mac  

Lois

Look, kids, this is the Forum where the ancient Romans used to have their famous political debate.

Peter

[Leafing through a copy of Penthouse]

And this is the Penthouse Forum where dirtbags write letters about boning in the back of grocery stores.

Lois

Well, who wants to see where the ancients established the foundation of our American democracy?

Peter

And who wants to hear a story about a girl who moved to New York without any underpants?

[CHRIS, MEG and STEWIE shuffle closer to PETER]

Stewie

I don't know why we even go places. We always just end up reading pornography.

Clip 11

S12 E07: "In Harmony's Way"

Peter and Quagmire have formed a duet called, er... Griffin & Quagmire. It's not a rip-off of Simon & Garfunkel. At all. Really. Anyway, they're recording a single when...

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Quagmire

You gonna fart in this airtight booth all night?

Peter

It wasn't me.

Quagmire

We're the only two people in here! Hey, Bobby, can you play back Peter's track?

[BOBBY commences audio playback from PETER'S microphone. His lyrics are drowned out by a long fart]

Peter

This waitress is prettier than my wife.

Ohhhhhh... thank God.

[BOBBY enters the booth]

Bobby

Come on, Guys you've been bickering all night -

[The smell hits him]

- OH! GOD!

Clip 12

S12 E08: "Christmas Guy"

We can all pretend that they're talking about Egg Nog if you like. It's fine. Probably easier to cope with that way. But let's be honest. This whole scene is entirely reminiscent of something else.

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Peter

Now everyone knows the best way to get the Christmas spirit is to drink a whole lot of thick, frothy Egg Nog. So get going.

Carter

I don't like Egg Nog.

Peter

Drink the Nog, carter.

Carter

I don't... I don't wanna.

Peter

Take it, Carter. Take all the Nog.

[PETER forces the carton into CARTER'S mouth. He begins to cough and splutter]

Yeah, you like that Nog. Don't spit the Nog out. Now look at the camera for a POV shot. Say "thank you" with the Nog in your mouth.

Carter

Thank you!

Peter

LOUDER!

Carter

THANK YOU!

Peter

Good. Now go down to the hotel lobby and check out with Nog all over your face.

Carter

All right.

Clip 13

S12 E08: "Christmas Guy"

Peter is still trying to educate Carter on the subject of Christmas traditions. Funny but these didn't form a large part of my Christmas growing up. How about you?

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Peter

Okay, Carter. A big part of Christmas is masturbating like you would any other day but feelin' guilty about it because it's Christmas.

[PETER goes into the bathroom and closes the door, only to reappear seconds later]

Ugh. What's wrong with me?!

Clip 14

S12 E09: "Peter Problems"

Let's be honest. This whole thing was contrived in order for this gag to be used. But it was worth it. It's so, so funny!

Download Clip 0169-274 to your PC / Mac  

Lois

We need money. I... I'm gonna look for a job.

Peter

Yeah, I guess you should. That'll give me more time to focus on expanding my record collection.

[Cut to a record store]

How's this one?

Store Owner

Oh! Bach is very good. I recommend.

Peter

And this one?

Store Owner

Oh! Mozart! The boy genius. The best.

Peter

Okay. How 'bout this?

Store Owner

Oh! Debussy! I love Debussy. Sometimes all I can think about is Debussy. Oh! Look at the pianist. The pianist is so good with Debussy.

Peter

So you like his early work?

Store Owner

Oh, yes. When Debussy was young. That's when you want Debussy.

Peter

Okay, I'll take these two.

Store Owner

Very good, sir. Just make sure you finish on the Bach. Never finish on Debussy.

Clip 15

S12 E10: "Grimm Job"

It's Family Guy's take on fairy tales. We start with Jack & The Beanstalk. Peter plays Jack, Lois plays Dame Durden. And... ACTION!

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Dame Durden

Jack, I'm sick of your irresponsible behaviour. Like when you were supposed to be babysittin' Georgie Porgie and his sleazy brother Rick Porgie.

[Cutaway to exterior shot]

Georgie

Hey, Rick! You wanna kiss some girls and make 'em cry?

Rick

No. But let's thumb-blast 'em and make 'em puke!

Clip 16

S12 E10: "Grimm Job"

The story continues. Quagmire joins the cast as "Rumpleforeskin" who is obsessed with Little Miss Muffet's tuffet. Whatever that is. Ahem.

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Jack

I think those magic beans grew into a giant beanstalk.

Rumpleforeskin

Hey! Where the hell did that thing come from? It's blocking my view of Little Miss Muffet's tuffet.

Little Miss Muffet

Oooh! Isn't my tuffet soft and pink and wonderful?

Rumpleforeskin

Oh, damnit! I need to see that so I can make curds and whey.

Jack

Relax, Rumpleforeskin!

Clip 17

S12 E12: "Mom's the Word"

It's a short clip of Peter following though. Yes. That's exactly what I mean. He soiled himself. And now you can have it as a message tone. You're welcome.

Download Clip 0169-277 to your PC / Mac  Download this clip in Apple M4R (ringtone) format

Peter

[Farts]

Uh oh!

Clip 18

S12 E13: "3 Acts of God"

I hate to say it but Seth MacFarlane was right. Family Guy was deserving of an Emmy long before it finally won one in 2000. And they had to wait a whole nine years for another. Scandalous!

Download Clip 0169-278 to your PC / Mac  

Quagmire

Sure you don't wanna stay for the show?

Peter

Nah. This place gives me the creeps. Like when I went to that paedophile opera.

[Cut to theatre audience which includes MR. HERBERT]

Announcer

We are proud to present Mozart's The Magic Flute in A Minor.

Audience

[Applaud wildly]

[Cut back to trio in present day]

Peter

And you still won't give us an Emmy? Come on! If Modern Family did that joke you'd be carrying them around on your shoulders!

Clip 19

S12 E15: "Secondhand Spoke"

Stewie has just witnessed Chris being bullied at school. Which leads to a great joke about Scarface and how, perhaps, he didn't know that he was known as Scarface.

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Stewie

Oh my God, poor Chris! He's a social outcast. Like Scarface.

[Cut to recreation of the seminal scene from Scarface]

Scarface

Okay. We have a deal. You bring the money... I get you the coke.

Gangster

You got it, Scarface.

Scarface

OH MY GOD! YOU CAN SEE THAT?! THE DOCTOR SAID YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO!

Gangster

Yes. Everyone can see that. That's why we call you Scarface.

Scarface

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WE?!

Clip 20

S12 E17: "The Most Interesting Man in the World"

Peter has become learned. And let's face it, ladies; there's no aphrodisiac like intelligence, huh? Huh? That's right, isn't it? You all love a big brain, don't you?

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Lois

Peter, you sound so refined. Are you... intelligent now?

Peter

Affirmative. That means yes. Does that please you?

Lois

It does, Peter.

Peter

Well it should! After all, knowledge is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Shall we away for relations?

Lois

I'm not sure what you're sayin' but let's hump!

[Cut to close-up of bedroom door with audio from within]

Peter

Affirmative! Affirmative! Affirmative! OH MY GOD, AFFIRMATIVE!

Lois

Oh, Peter... that was great.

Peter

It was. Sorry I arrived early.

Lois

That's okay.

Peter

And sorry about the bedspread. That was about a week's worth of arrive.

Clip 21

S12 E18: "Baby Got Black"

Chris is dating Pam, Jerome's daughter. Jerome is less than happy about it. In fact, he's forbidden the romance. Peter, however, is a little more relaxed about the whole thing.

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Peter

Hey hey hey! There's my new brother-in-law brother now!

Jerome

Griffin? You and me have to talk.

Peter

What's up, blood?

Jerome

Nobody's datin' nobody. You understand?

Peter

Oh, don't worry Jerome. I already gave Chris the sex talk.

[Cut to that particular father-son moment]

Peter

It's... awesome!

Clip 22

S12 E18: "Baby Got Black"

In order to ease the growing tensions, Jerome and Pam are invited to the Griffin house for dinner.

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Lois

We used to date before I met Peter. So... so what are white women to black men?

Jerome

A very pleasant page in our memory books.

Lois

Awww!

Peter

Oh yeah, that's right. You banged my wife.

Stewie

She did? Ah. No wonder I had so much room in there. Her womb was like one of those places where they reconstruct crashed aeroplanes!

Clip 23

S12 E18: "Baby Got Black"

Chris and Pam have run away together. Jerome knows where to start looking. 31 Spooner Street.

Download Clip 0169-283 to your PC / Mac  

Jerome

Griffin! Where the hell is my daughter? She left me a note saying she ran off with Chris.

Peter

Look, let me help ya. I'm great at finding stuff. Last night, I found Lois's G-Spot.

Lois

No he didn't.

Peter

I didn't know she was home. I... I was able to please her in other ways, though.

Lois

No.

Peter

Okay, let's just go.

Clip 24

S12 E18: "Baby Got Black"

Peter and Jerome are searching for Chris and Pam when they get pulled over. Peter decides that honesty is the best policy. Just a shame he didn't audition this thought before he voiced it.

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Jerome

Oh, man!

Peter

Look, relax. We'll just tell him the truth. We're cruisin' around town lookin' for a sexually active fourteen-year-old boy!

Clip 25

S12 E19: "Meg Stinks!"

What's with all the paedo jokes? I mean, they're funny but there's just so many of them. I can't ignore them but it feels kinda weird featuring them, too. It's a double-edged sword for Film Funnies.

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Lois

Well, life's not always easy, Meg. Just ask an ugly boy scout.

[Cut to a campfire at which sits a SCOUT and his SCOUTMASTER, toasting marshmallows]

Scout

Scout Master Davenport? Do you wanna share a tent with me tonight?

Scoutmaster

Oh, Billy. I like you as a friend.

Clip 26

S12 E20: "He's Bla-ack!"

Donna has spanked Chris for smashing her favourite vase. Lois isn't having that. Nobody spanks her son. It's time to confront the woman and put things right.

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Lois

I don't spank and my children are very well behaved.

Donna

Oh yeah? Your baby's on the roof right now!

Lois

STEWIE! YOU GET DOWN FROM THERE, THIS INSTANT!

Stewie

MUNCH ME, B**CH!

Lois

RIGHT NOW, STEWIE OR YOU'RE IN TIME-OUT!

Stewie

HOW MANY GREY PUBES YOU PLUCKED TODAY, YOU OLD BAG?!

Clip 27

S12 E21: "Chap Stewie"

By popular request, it's the musical score than accompanies Stewie's frequent adventures in his time machine. Perfect for a ring tone or a message tone, I feel.

Download Clip 0169-287 to your PC / Mac  Download this clip in Apple M4R (ringtone) format