20 MP3 Audio clips from Season 13 of Family Guy (1999)

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In this episode, the Griffins are forced to flee Quahog to the little town of Springfield where they happen to stay with another famous cartoon family. The Simpsons.

Bart Simpson

Hey, you wanna make a prank phonecall?

Stewie

Ooh! Prank phonecall!

[BART dials the number for Moe's Tavern]

Moe

Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking.

Bart Simpson

Uh, yeah... I'm lookin' for a friend. Last name Keybum. First name Lee.

Moe

Hang on, I'll check. Hey, guys. Do I got a Lee Keybum? C'mon, look at the stools. Is there a Lee Keybum? Uh, somebody check the rear, I know I gotta Lee Keybum.

Barney

Then you probably shouldn't be handling food.

[The patrons in the bar begin to laugh as does BART]

Stewie

Oh my God that's amazing. That's the coolest thing ever! Hey... I wanna try.

Bart

Okay.

[BART re-dials Moe's Tavern and hands STEWIE the receiver]

Moe

Moe's Tavern.

Stewie

Hello, Moe? Your sister's been raped.

[STEWIE hangs up]

Is that... is that one?!

Homer has instigated a lawsuit between the Duff and Pawtucket Patriot breweries because the latter is simply re-labelling the former's beers.

Lois

The Pawtucket Patriot Brewery being sued? It's the largest employer in Quahog, Peter. A lot of people's jobs are riding on this.

Peter

Yeah, I gotta job for you, ridin' on somethin'.

Lois

PETER!

Peter

Sorry. Sorry, Lois. I'm tired because we usually only do these things for half an hour.

Peter has stumbled upon Joe's hand-painted illustrations for a children's book he's writing called "The Hopeful Squirrel."

Peter

Hey, Joe. What are all these pictures?

Joe

Oh, nothing. They're just some stupid scribbles I've been working on for a children's book.

Peter

Well, I don't think that's stupid. I think that's awesome! I mean my one note on these would be to hide a bunch of dongs in the background but otherwise, I think they're great.

It's amazing the people you find on Dating Services. Take Al Harrington, for example. No. Just take him. Please. He needs a woman real bad.

Al Harrington

Short but handsome, slightly hairy, newly single salesman. Short but handsome, slightly hairy, newly single salesman. Short but handsome, slightly hairy, newly single salesman. Hi! I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Whacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube-Man Warehouse and Emporium. Due to a gut-busting divorce, limited people skills and significant prodding from my therapist, I am currently seeking on-line companionship as a short but handsome, slightly hairy, newly single salesman and I would love to attempt to convert my heavily embellished internet profile and carefully airbrushed out-of-date photo into a night of physical intimacy with youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

Joe is getting "The Hopeful Squirrel" published. But he stinks at PR. So his publisher decides it might be an idea to enlist Peter for any pubic appearances.

Publisher

Listen, Joe... how would you feel about your friend getting more involved?

Joe

Whadda you mean?

Publisher

Well, you would write the books and your friend Peter would be the public face of The Hopeful Squirrel. He would be David Chicago.

Joe

Well, I... I dunno.

Publisher

Joe, this happens all the time. You wouldn't believe who really writes all those Stephen King books.

[We cut to a geeky kid at an old-fashioned typewriter]

Kid

Scary stuff, scary stuff, scary stuff... TING! Scary stuff, scary stuff, scary stuff... TING! Scary stuff, scary stuff, scary stuff... LUNCH!

It's Peter's first public outing as David Chicago, the nom de plume of Joe Swanson who actually writes The Hopeful Squirrel.

Tom Tucker

Now, I understand we have some questions from the audience.

Little Boy

Yes, I have a question. Is the Hopeful Squirrel a boy or a girl?

Peter

I'm a boy! But in the book I'm drawn smooth down there so it's not a bad question.

Brian has become obsessed with physical fitness. Specifically, running. And he's lost so much weight he has a xylophone instead of abs and not an ounce of fat on him.

Stewie

Brian, I... I'm worried you're losing yourself in all this. Do you remember that phase when you thought you were a Pointer dog?

[Cutaway to an incident in the past]

Lois

Was someone wearing my new high-heels?

[BRIAN suddenly stands and points straight to STEWIE]

Stewie

You d*ck!

How much fun can Seth MacFarlane have with the phrase "glory hole"? Well, significant fun it would appear. And if you don't know what a glory hole is, for God's sake don't Google it.

Continuity

Today's feature presentation of Glory will not be seen.

Peter

WHAT? Oh, I love that movie. Oh, man that's going to leave a big hole in their line-up. What's gonna fill the Glory hole?

Continuity

In place of Glory, we will be showing Shaft starring Richard Rowntree.

Peter

WHAT? You can't just shove Shaft in the Glory hole!

Brian

Yeah, I know. It'd be better to put in that movie about the two girls who meet Nixon. What's that movie called? Dick? Dick would slide right into that Glory hole.

Peter

No, no. Dick's too short for that Glory hole. But... if you also put in Edward Furlong's movie, Pecker... you got Pecker and Dick in the Glory hole and you got a tight squeeze but it... it oughta fit.

Nickelodeon. Funny, but I've never considered it a channel worthy of my attention. And I still don't. But apparently some guys don't agree.

Announcer

Up next on Nickelodeon, uncomfortably hot eighteen-year-old girls.

Mother

Honey, where are you off to?

Girl

To the carwash to raise money for our new soccer uniforms.

Father

Okay... have fun.

Accouncer

Nickelodeon... casually ask your daughter what that girl's name is then take your laptop into the bathroom!

Chris is having trouble studying. And Peter, ever resourceful, has a solution to the problem. But the solution isn't without its own problems.

Peter

Now, I'm gonna help you study by nailing your door shut. That way, you'll have no choice but to hit the books.

[PETER leaves the room, slams the door behind him and is heard nailing it shut from the outside. A mobile phone set to vibrate mode is heard]

Oh, crap. I left my phone in there. Damn it, it's nailed shut.

Chris

Dad... it looks like some girl sent you a picture of her privates.

Peter

Oh, crap. LOIS... I DON'T HAVE THE PHONE. STOP SENDING PICTURES!

Lois

I ALREADY SENT FOUR MORE!

Peter

CHRIS... PUT DOWN THE PHONE. DON'T LOOK AT THOSE.

Chris

Wait a minute... that's both her hands. WHO THE HELL IS TAKING THE PICTURES?!

[PETER kicks the door open and storms back in]

Peter

All right, give me that phone and get back to work. And before you judge your mother, you did most of that damage.

Peter and Lois are concerned about Meg who's been groomed by a photographer and is off "modelling". They ask Quagmire for help in locating the event that she's appearing at.

Quagmire

There we go. Oh, it's a busy night. There's a black tie event. That's all black and Thai chicks.

[He hammers on the laptop keyboard]

Oh, okay. This must be Meg's thing. Says there's a Shoekake party tonight.

Lois

Shoekake? Well, what's that?

Quagmire

It's fifty guys, one foot.

Peter

Oh, my!

Quagmire's luck has run out. A girl he's slept with has turned out to be underage and that's statutory rape. He's looking at twenty years.

Judge

I'm sorry, Mrs. Quagmire but my sentence stands. Twenty years. Mr. Quagmire, I'll give you twenty-four hours to get your affairs in order.

Quagmire

Oh my God.

Peter

Oh, don't think of it as twenty years. Think of it as two ten-year-olds, you sick freak!

Peter, Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire are starting up their own detective agency. It will specialise in solving crimes on behalf of local children. I think you know where this about to go...

Joe

I guess all our detective agency needs now is a name.

Peter

Well, we're detectives solving children's crimes. There's only one name that makes sense.

Quagmire

Dicks for Kids?

Peter

Dicks for Kids.

Quagmire

But wait... we want people to know that we're grown-ups.

Peter

Okay... Big Dicks for Kids.

Joe

We don't wanna sound too old. They're gonna think we're a bunch of old, bald geezers.

Peter

Big Hairy Dicks for Kids.

Cleveland

How are we gonna let them know we're veiny?

Stewie has impregnated himself and given birth to seven human / canine monstrosities in order to win Brian back. And it looks like it might be working.

Stewie

There you go! Oh, Dick really likes you!

Brian

I like Dick.

Stewie

[Laughs]

You like Dick! His name's not Dick, you idiot. It's Finn.

Introducing Outback Steakhouse Extreme. Punish your toilet.

Advert Voiceover

Hey! Are you a big, fat bastard who loves eating at Outback Steakhouse but thinks the portions are too small? Well good news, Fat-Ass! 'Cos now there's the Outback Steakhouse Extreme! We don't have a Bloomin' Onion... we have a Bloomin' Pumpkin. You know what else we got? Elephant Steaks. Fifty-pound Elephant Steaks. And why don't you wash it down with forty ounces of malt liquor and ranch dressing you fat [BEEP!] Outback Steakhouse Extreme. Punish... your... toilet!

Joe is having a mid-life crisis. He's quit his job and left Bonnie and the kids. Lois is concerned. Peter, however, is typically optimistic about the whole thing.

Lois

Oh, I feel terrible for Bonnie and the kids.

Peter

Oh, they'll be fine. He'll bounce back. Just like Humpty Dumpty did after his fall.

[Cutaway to an egg, bandaged and in traction lying in a hospital bed]

Humpy Dumpty

My God, it's a miracle! You were able to put me back together again.

Doctor

Yeah, it was actually a pretty simple procedure. Maybe next time go straight to a medical professional and skip the horses and illiterate servants.

Humpty Dumpty

Well, that is the last time I drink and masturbate on top of a high wall!

Brian has been to an obedience school. He's returned home but he's not the same dog. He's subservient, polite and respectful. In other words, really not himself.

Lois

Brian, what did they do to you at that school? You're... you're so... submissive.

Stewie

Yes, looks like someone's gone at him with a whip.

Brian

That... that is... that is a perfectly valid way of saying that. Bravo, Master.

Stewie

Master? And... a surprisingly quick erection for Stewie!

The whole reason for Brian being sent to an obedience school was that he bit Peter who was trying to pop a suppository up his... you know... his bottom.

Lois

Don't forget he bit you, Peter. I mean, what if he bit Stewie?

Stewie

[From the next room]

How 'bout you bite me, b**ch?!

Peter has three new friends. All of them girls. And they enjoy nothing more than b**ching about Lois. Something that Peter has fallen into the habit of participating in.

Brian

Peter, Lois is your wife. You should be defending her, not talking trash and gossiping behind her back like some kind of mid-Western teenager.

Girl 1

Did you gals hear about Allie Gallagher? She let Alan Ackerman smack her in the back with his tallywhacker behind the snack shack.

Girl 2

What? Nobody here in Maryland understands a single word you're saying.

Girl 3

You should move back to Minnesota.

Girl 1

I can't go back. I Snapchatted Matt Gackerack a Kodak of my ass crack!

Lois is about to be recruited as a Classroom Volunteer. Stewie is not best pleased with this arrangement. The pre-school is HIS territory.

Teacher

Oh, Lois, I'm glad you're here. I noticed that you're one of the moms who hasn't yet signed up to be a classroom volunteer.

Lois

Yeah, I'd be happy to help out in the class.

Stewie

What? I don't want you here. This is my turf. I don't bother you when you're sitting on the washing machine, screaming Aaron Eckhart's name.