45 MP3 Audio clips from Season 15 of Family Guy (1999)

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The 1971 Gene Wilder version of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory has always been a favourite of mine. Until now. Now it's ruined.

TV Announcer

We now return to the extended Director's Cut of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

[Cut to a cartoon recreation of the Great Glass Elevator sequence]

Willy Wonka

Charlie, don't forget what happened to the boy who got everything he ever wanted.

Charlie

What?

Willy Wonka

He lived happily ever after. But he did have to earn it. Hint, hint!

Grandpa Joe

Do it, Charlie! I'm not going back to that four person bed. Hell, I'll do it if you want!

Willy Wonka

No. It has to be a child.

Stewie & Brian have formed a band. Calling themselves "Red Shirt, Blue Shirt" they hope to conquer the children's entertainment genre.

♪

Stewie

Momma liked to party when you were in her belly,

Drinking, she did some.

Momma liked to party when you were in her belly,

That's why you are dumb!

Chris has to find a job in order to pay for a tattoo he plans on getting done. But his search for gainful employment is not going well. At all.

Peter

Oh, hey, Chris. How's the job hunt goin'?

Chris

Terrible. I can't find a job anywhere. A lot of people seemed to be turned off by my dishonourable discharge.

Peter

What, from the army?

Chris

No. It's a euphemism.

Peter

Oh... yukky.

It's the first big gig for Red Shirt, Blue Shirt. And they have a new song for the children watching.

Compère

Okay, now please welcome Red Shirt, Blue Shirt.

[The gathered children applaud politely]

Stewie

All right, we're Red Shirt, Blue Shirt and here's a song we call, "Mommy & Daddy's Room". And we think it's one you can all relate to.

♪

Stewie

When everybody's gone to sleep, and you've said "Goodnight Moon",

There's plenty of noise still comin', from Mommy & Daddy's room.

Brian

Oh, Daddy says, "Please!",

Mommy says, "No!",

Stewie

Daddy says, "Come on...",

Mommy says, "Whoa!",

Brian

Daddy goes, "Urrrgh!",

Mommy says, "Ow!",

Stewie

Daddy says, "I'm done.",

Mommy goes, "Wow!",

Duet

Daddy rolls over and falls asleep,

Mommy drinks wine in the dark.

[The children applaud wildly]

Peter has decided to give Chris some pitching practice. Chris has launched an apple and it's hit a passing car.

Motorist

Hey, which one of you threw that apple at my car?

Peter

[Backing away and pointing at CHRIS]

He did it! He dragged me out here. I wanted to be in school, sir.

Motorist

Where'd you get a cannon like that, kid?

Chris

I work out my right arm three times a day.

Motorist

Hmm. Free weights?

Chris

No, Mostly JPEGs of Helen Hunt on my hard drive.

Peter is now Quagmire's pimp. I know, I know. Bear with me. It's a long story. But without it, this joke simply couldn't have existed.

Quagmire

BIG PETE! HELP! SHE WANTS TO DO GERMAN THINGS! GERMAN THINGS!

Peter

WHAT? NO! HE HASN'T EATEN ANYTHING IN DAYS. IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

Another play on words to make a cheap (but very funny joke) of a staple of British sci-fi TV.

TV Announcer

We now return to Doctor Who Farted?

[Cut to an apocalyptic London where the Tardis stands ready to fend off alien invaders]

Assistant

Doctor! The alien attack as begun. We've got to return to the twenty-first century.

Doctor Who

Uhhh... we can't go into the time machine right now.

Assistant

But they're going to kill us all!

Doctor Who

All right, all right... just... one second.

[Begins flapping the door of the Tardis in order to evacuate the noxious smell inside]

So... how was your weekend?

Is there no end to Stewie's ingenuity? I mean, he's a baby and yet he's invented a time machine AND now runs a successful dot com venture selling crêpes.

Stewie

Hi! Are you a straight adult male who likes to eat crêpes without people making unwanted assumptions about your private life? Go to discreetcrepe.com, place your order and within thirty minutes...

[The doorbell chimes and STEWIE opens the front door]

Delivery Guy

Very masculine... pizza delivery for Stewie Griffin?

Stewie

Oh! Thank you! Mmmm, strawberry, banana, Nutella with raspberry drizzle. Now, I just need a guy's butt to eat this off of and I've got myself a night!

This is a "Behind the Scenes" episode in which we meet the real Griffin family and hear about all of the off-set tensions they experience in the making of Family Guy.

Stewie

The fat man's behaviour has been deteriorating for quite some time. And I think someone may have placed an anonymous phone call to the network about it?

[We hear a recording of STEWIE'S anonymous call to the network.]

You have no idea how bad it is here. He screams and yells and he makes a V with his fingers and then licks it, like "luh-luh-luh-luh-luh" which I'm to understand is something dirty. Please... do something. And, if possible, I'd love a Masterchef t-shirt.

Taylor Swift has arrived to take Chris to the Homecoming Dance. Which, I appreciate, it unlikely. But this is a cartoon, people. Just go with it!

Stewie

Hi, Taylor. Stewie Griffin. I'm your biggest fan. Uh, I don't mean that like a psycho, I just... I'm not... I'm not a psycho!

Taylor

Oh, you're a cutie!

Stewie

Okay, so let's talk about Harry Styles. Now, you don't have to say anything... I'm just gonna slowly pull out this tape measure and you indicate when I should stop. Okay, here I go... still going... still going... oh my God, you b**ch, seriously?!

Chris clearly doesn't know that when you ask if you can "finger" a girl, it doesn't mean turning one of your fingers into a puppet and pretending it's her talking.

Chris

Can I finger you?

Taylor

Sure!

Chris

[Making his index finger into a puppet]

Chris

Hi! I'm Taylor Swift. I'm famous but I'm really nice!

Taylor

Awww! That's one of the best fingerings I've ever had.

If Bill Cosby were in The Princess Bride, Iocane Powder would be the very least of anyone's concerns. Am I right? Yeah. I'm right.

Stewie

Are you serious? Back stage with Taylor Swift? Well, that'll be even cooler than when I was in that remake of The Princess Bride with Bill Cosby.

[Cut to STEWIE and BILL COSBY sitting on rocks, two small containers in front of them]

Bill Cosby

Now... one of these has the iocane powder, y'see and one of them makes you go sleepy-bye with your mouth open.

Peter is being arrested having crashed into a house and taken refuge inside.

Cop

Read him his rights.

Peter

Y'know what? I'd like to read 'em myself. Chapter One. Eat my ass, pigs!

[The result of this is pretty predictable]

Argh! The bones in my nose!

This is not incest. Not strictly. Because this is another one of those "Griffins perform famous stories episodes". But it IS disturbing. Largely because it's Meg being seductive.

Meg

Well, hello there! If it isn't the sexy imbecile.

Chris

Oh, hi! Sorry about what I did to your husband earlier.

Meg

Yes, that was quite a hand job you did on him. Y'know, I'm not so bad at those myself.

Chris

I'm not gonna lie to you, you're wasting your double entendres on me.

Meg

I want you to destroy me.

Chris

Okay!

[CHRIS snaps MEG'S neck and she drops to the floor]

In another unbelievable plot-twist, Tricia Takanawa has become Peter's step-mother-in-law. Yeah. I think that's it. The new girlfriend of Lois' father, Carter.

Tricia Takanawa

All right, Peter... it's time to master the game of chess.

Peter

Okay, that shouldn't be too hard -

Tricia Takanawa

[Slaps PETER around the face]

NO! You will do it in the traditional Japanese way. On a wacky gameshow while a beautiful woman beats your scrotum with a reed.

I've always been slightly suspicious of the Scouting movement. I mean, I'm not saying all Scout Leaders are paedophiles but the concept of it is... strange, isn't it?

Baden-Powell

Ma'am, I'd like to take your son into the woods.

Woman

What? That sounds suspicious.

Baden-Powell

Well, what if I said we'd both be wearing shorts and neckerchiefs and I'd give him little patches for doing what I say?

Peter has just taken Chris, Meg, Stewie and Brian down a snowy slope on an upturned dining table and, predictably, it's not gone well.

Lois

Peter... are you insane? You could have killed the entire family.

Peter

Sorry, Lois. I honestly thought this was going to be fun. Like when I won that sex contest.

[Cut to the Griffin master bedroom, in darkness]

Peter

First again! Wasn't even close, was it?

Lois

No, Peter. It wasn't even close.

Peter

Yeah, you are terrible at this. Now why don't you clean up and go get the champ a Gatorade, huh?

Peter has had to stand in for Santa at the Quahog Mall. He's really not suitable. I mean, besides his drinking, swearing and lack of attention...

Little Girl

And I want a tricycle, and a pony, and an American Girl doll, and a drone with a camera and a gun that fires.

Peter

Ho ho ho! Yeah, sure. All of it.

[An "elf" takes a photo of the LITTLE GIRL on SANTA'S lap]

Peter

All right, now go pick up your picture. And before you go crying to your mom, that's my cellphone you're feeling.

I'll give Peter credit for one thing. He certainly knows how to make an entrance at breakfast.

♪

Peter

Up on the house-top, click, click, click,

Slipped on the chimney and broke his -

MORNING!

- penis.

Office christmas parties. I've been to a few. And Stewie's right. They ARE like soap operas. Ill-advised hook-ups, vomit and fights. The very spirit of Christmas.

Stewie

Hey, you were right about office Christmas parties. They're fantastic!

Brian

Uh? Okay, I'm gonna keep, uh... lookin' around the room while you talk.

Stewie

Yes, it's like watching a soap opera what with all the drunken mis-behaviour and ill-advised hook-ups. And down the hall, they're doing a White Elephant.

Brian

Oh, that gift exchange thing?

Stewie

No. There's a fat secretary taking on all-comers.

Brian

Where, uh... which... which office is that in?

Stewie

Oh, you won't miss her. She's still wearing the felt antlers. Absolute freak show in there.

Do you really think that all gay guys like to watch musicals? I mean, that can't be true. Can it? But whatever the truth, I won't let it stand in the way of a funny cutaway.

Stewie

Wow! A paying, grown-up job. I haven't been this excited about anything since the night Wicked premiered in Quahog.

[Cut to exterior of a house, STEWIE and BRIAN dressed as burglars about to break in]

All right, Brian. Let's rob these gay guys.

Brian

What if they're home?

Stewie

They're not going to be home.

I don't remember The Little Drummer Boy being in the story of the nativity. They've made that up, right? I mean who wants to give birth to the son of God and then have a child show up with a drum?!

Stewie

Oh, God! I've ruined Christmas. Like the Little Drummer Boy when he got really into Neil Peart.

[Cut to stable in Bethlehem. JESUS is in the manger, MARY and JOSEPH standing proudly by when in walks a SMALL BOY banging a drum and singing]

♪

Drummer Boy

Our finest gifts we bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

[He suddenly sits down at a huge concern kit and smashes the sh*t out of it]

[He stands up, hits a giant gong with a hammer and kicks over the manger containing baby Jesus]

Drummer Boy

CHRISTMAS IS GONNA BE SIIICCCCKKKK!

Quagmire doesn't like having his skill or dedication as a commercial pilot called into question. Especially not by friends to whom he's given a free trip to San Francisco.

Quagmire

I was a Navy pilot, you jerks. Get the hell out of my cockpit!

[PETER, JOE and CLEVELAND make a rapid exit into the cabin of the aircraft and QUAGMIRE slams the cockpit door shut behind them]

Peter

Joke's on him. I farted just before he kicked us out.

[Muffled voice from within the cockpit]

Quagmire

Oh! Oh, GOD!

Rob Gronkowski has bought the house behind Peter's in Quahog. Lois isn't at all happy. She wishes it was Julian Edelman. The things she'd do to him. Some of them probably illegal in Alaska!

Lois

Peter, I don't know what you're so excited about. Rob Gronkowski is probably the worst neighbour we could ask for. You know he's gonna be partying day and night. It's not like it's that tasty piece of ass Julian Edelman. Now there's a Patriot you can get excited about. I know he's a Wide Receiver but if he's givin', I'm takin'. I'll take it all. I'll take it wherever!

[She opens the fridge, takes out a soda and shakes it before pulling the ring-pull and spraying foam into her own face]

Tom Tucker. A consummate professional. A veteran of TV news. So when he says, "coming up...", the world pays attention.

Tom Tucker

Coming up... yesterday's Brisket.

[He belches into his hand and exhales]

If you're around Peter and you want to discreetly tell them that someone's gay, you'd better make your colloquialisms better than this guy's.

Peter

What the hell was that?

Joe

I know... Cleveland, you ruined the whole podcast.

Quagmire

Yeah, if I wanted to hear a black guy ramble like a lunatic I'd watch Family Feud.

Peter

Yeah, I mean that was worse than an Italian guy describing someone's sexuality.

[Cut to a dinner table at which PETER, an ITALIAN GUY and the ITALIAN GUY'S MOTHER are seated]

Italian Guy

Anyway, my brother Louie... he's, uh... he's a little off to the side, y'know? Ehhhh, foofy. Ehhhh, up to the knuckle. He's a... he's a backwards mechanic. Likes to play in the dirt.

Peter

You mean gay?

Italian Mother

[Begins screaming and crying]

Italian Guy

Mama! Moron Peter! Mama, Louie's not gay. He's creative!

I'm used to the Family Guy theme tune. I've heard it a gazillion times. But I've never heard a version like this. I'm having this for my ringtone.

♪

It's the dance version of the Family Guy theme tune from the end of S15 E12. Would make a great ringtone, wouldn't it? You're welcome. Don't mention it.

Carter Pewterschmidt is recovering from cataract surgery and may need a little help around the mansion for the foreseeable future. And you know what that usually means, don't you?

Doctor Hartman

Now, Mister Pewterschmidt, your vision will be impaired for a few weeks while you recover. I recommend you and your wife have someone around to help you during this time.

Lois

Well, I'd love to help you, Daddy but Stewie's just been so fussy lately. He's constantly crying for no reason.

Stewie

What are you talking about? I'm fine -

[LOIS slaps STEWIE'S face to make him cry]

OW! B**CH! She does this a LOT!

I don't think I'll be able to hear the Randy Newman classic You've Got a Friend in Me ever again without picturing this cutaway. Family Guy has ruined Toy Story!

Stewie

Brian, you're not kidding anyone. We all know you don't care about Carter. You only care about his money.

Brian

No, no. No. He knows I'm his friend.

Stewie

Yeah, right. That's what Woody thought about Buzz Lightyear.

[Cut to a bedroom. LITTLE BO BEEP is in bed, making love to BUZZ LIGHTYEAR when in walks WOODY

Woody

[Gasps]

BO PEEP?! WHAT... WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

Bo Peep

Um... you've got a friend in me?

Stewie has been diagnosed with Scoliosis and fitted with a Boston brace. Thing is, when it's corrected his posture, he continues to enjoy the attention and preferential treatment it affords him.

Stewie

When I wear this brace, I get pampered like the Queen of England.

[Cut to throne room, QUEEN addressing a flunky]

Queen

So... I have the most money in the world, right?

Flunky

Yes, Your Majesty.

Queen

Great. Can you make sure my hair looks like anyone in a nursing home?

When Quagmire is introduced to the fu*kfest that is (allegedly) Tinder, he becomes addicted to casual sex. So, to restore normality, the other guys produce this dubious musical number.

♪

Peter

There was a time when you'd be more selective,

When you were horny and feeling erective.

Now one swipe and there's thousands to bone,

All from a sex app you use on your phone.

Cleveland

That's the tinder!

Peter

A lot of sad, lonely gals who want babies,

Three hundred pounders infested with scabies.

Leather gimps who do nothing but moan,

These are the weirdos you find on your phone.

Joe

You know, a surprising number of them live near the airport.

Ensemble

Gonorrhea, HPV-a, you will catch a do-o-ose!

Peter

Of blisters and itching and genital warts,

'Cos Tinder makes you... so gross!

And for kids it's kinda tragic, sex for them has lost its magic,

Banging every Tom and Dick and Jack and Jill and Joan.

And this also might surprise you, all your married friends despise you,

'Cos we're not allowed to have an orgy through our phone.

Ensemble

You're perverted, barely human,

You're not even clo-o-ose!

Peter

A filthy degenerate, seeking a thrill,

Your spirit and genitals run through the mill.

With plenty of holes and prescriptions to fill,

Ensemble

'Cos Tinder makes you so gross!

♪

It's not this easy. Really, it isn't. And if I'd tried this approach on a girl in my home town, I'd have ended up with my nuts in my mouth.

Sandra

I'm Sandra.

Quagmire

I'm Glenn.

You know, I just... I just feel like my penis shouldn't be alone tonight.

[SANDRA stands up, takes QUAGMIRE by the hand and leads him towards the door of the bar]

Al-right!

Tom Tucker. He's the consummate professional. Faced with someone's genitals poked through a cue card, he remains stoic and focussed on delivering the news.

Tom Tucker

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story tonight, local news anchor too professional to laugh at penis poked through hole in cue card.

So, to clarify, the website this guy is trying to provide the URL for is www.double-u double-u double-u dot pbs dot com.com

Narrator

Without drastic changes in our diet, Americans are headed for a health catastrophe. For more, go to our website at www.pbs.com. That's www dot, the word double-u three times, the word dot, PBS, the word dot again, the word com, dot com. There was a miscommunication when we registered our website.

You know what the perineum is, right? That strip of skin between... you know what? Look it up. Anyway, more importantly, how the fu*k did Esther rip hers doing the Hokey-Pokey?

Meg

Thanks for coming to my birthday party, you guys. And Esther, I'm so sorry you ripped your perineum doing the Hokey-Pokey.

Esther

That's okay... I got free curly fries!

Meg has joined the Quahog Roller Derby team and Chris has come along to show some support. And to snap some inappropriate photographs of his sister's team mates, apparently.

Meg

Thanks again for coming and supporting me, Chris.

Chris

No problem. And, I'm gonna take some pictures of the other athletes, if you don't mind. You might not know this about me but I am a bit of a shutterbug.

Meg

Okay, that's... that's all okay.

Coach

All right, ladies. Line up. How 'bout we start with some warm-ups? Bend down and touch your toes.

[The sound of an SLR camera is heard repeatedly taking shots]

Chris

"Memory card full?" COME ON!

Lois has put the entire Griffin clan on a healthy diet. A vegetarian diet. Which none of them have any interest in. Quinoa? No. Not on Peter's watch.

Lois

Kids? Peter? It's time for a healthy, veggie dinner. Come on, I spent the whole day makin' the house smell like farts!

A brief cutaway to Winnie-the-Pooh in his usual predicament... stuck in the entrance to his house because he's eaten too much honey. Only Rabbit... well, he's... yeah. That.

Winnie-the-Pooh

Uh... Rabbit? Perhaps you should push with your shoulder, and not your fist?

Rabbit

Don't worry about it.

When Peter wins a VIP weekend at Fenway Park (home to the Boston Red Socks), he takes Lois with him. She has her own reasons for wanting to go.

Meg

Mom, you really going to Boston? I didn't even think you liked baseball.

Lois

Oh, I'm not going for baseball. I... I'm going for shopping, the hotel spa and two days of being away from you life-sucking turds.

Whilst Peter and Lois are away in Boston, Meg has been put in charge. Which sounds great. On paper. But trying to deal with Stewie? She'll need all the luck she can muster.

Meg

Okay, Stewie, time for you to get dressed.

Stewie

Yah, a closed door means, "come in", I guess.

[MEG picks STEWIE up and strips him down to his diaper]

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Meg

Let's pick out a cute shirt for you. Then I thought we can go to the park.

Stewie

Or... how 'bout this... I press my butt against the wall and duke on it.

Meg

[Gasps in horror]

Stewie! Don't do that.

Stewie

You're messin' with my schedule so I'm givin' you wall poo.

[He begins to make straining noises]

Meg

Stop that right now!

Peter has been fired from the team. Oh, and did you know about Jared Fogle? The face of Subway? He's a sex offender now. Which is all you need to know to enjoy this particular reference.

Coach

You're done. Clean out your locker.

Peter

Kicked out? I'm totally screwed. Like those poor guys who had to come up with a new ad campaign for Subway.

[Cutaway to what this advert might look like]

Mike

Hey... I'm Mike. I like sandwiches and people my own age.

V/O

Subway. Please don't think of paedophilia.

If this is the kind of stuff regularly announced over the public address at James Wood High School, it's little wonder that the Principal has lost his marbles and needs a few weeks in a padded room.

Secretary

Principal Shepherd, your wife is on the line. She says, "Uh! Uh! Oh, God. Harder!"

Chris is in love with Isabella. She's about to be deported back to Mexico. It's late at night and she's throwing stones up at his bedroom window.

[The sound of stones hitting CHRIS'S bedroom window can be heard]

Chris

Go away, Mister Herbert.

Mr. Herbert

It's not me. I'm in your closet!

When it comes to Quagmire, it's probably best that Chris warned Isabella that he's likely to come out with something inappropriate like this.

Chris

Hey, just a heads-up. My Dad's friend, Mr. Quagmire, is gonna say a lot of stuff to you and it's all gonna be disgusting.

Quagmire

Hey! You must be Isabella. I came as soon as I heard about you. And then I got on my plane! Al-right!

Peter's discovered that owing to a single, gargantuan sperm donation before he and Lois got married, he's fathered hundreds of children. All of whom look like him.

Lois

Well, Peter... turns our your initial instinct was right. You never should have let any of your children contact you.

Peter

You said it. From now on, I'm making sure my sperm stays right where it belongs. In the bathroom sink.

[The whole family laugh to fade]