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26 MP3 Audio clips from Season 16 of Family Guy (1999)

Family Guy is one of the longest running (and arguably the funniest) cartoon shows ever to come out of the USA. It follows the dysfunctional Griffin family; Peter, Lois, Meg, Chris, Stewie and their talking dog Brian as they survive life in a small Rhode Island town. Expect filth, cursing, sick jokes and twisted animation. All the things we really love, huh?!

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Timestamp: 2024-01-08 | Added: 2020-05-03
Family Guy

Family Guy | Season 16

© 1999 20th Century Fox Television

Family Guy is one of the longest running (and arguably the funniest) cartoon shows ever to come out of the USA. It follows the dysfunctional Griffin family; Peter, Lois, Meg, Chris, Stewie and their talking dog Brian as they survive life in a small Rhode Island town. Expect filth, cursing, sick jokes and twisted animation. All the things we really love, huh?!

UPDATED: | CLIPS: 637

WARNING: ADULT CONTENT!

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Clip 1

S16 E01: "Emmy-Winning Episode"

Imagine if Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam) got himself into a jam and needed a lawyer. You imagining that? Good. Then hit PLAY and enjoy this classic cutaway.

Download Clip 0169-368 to your PC / Mac  

TV Announcer

We now return to "Vedder calls Saul"

Eddie Vedder

Hey, Saul! Got into a little trouble and I'm gonna need a lawyer. Hey yeah!

Saul

Okay. So tell me exactly what happened.

Eddie Vedder

I was dri-ving, had a bit to drink and then I ran in-to a milk truck. Yeah heah!

Saul

Were you on drugs?

Eddie Vedder

E and blow-ho!

Clip 2

S16 E02: "Foxx in the Men House"

Peter has become obsessed with the luxury of ladies' rooms. Don't ask why. This is Family Guy where anything is possible.

Download Clip 0169-369 to your PC / Mac  

Peter

Ahh! The ladies' room at Wimbledon. This must be the fanciest bathroom in the world. Uh-oh, it looks like these are in use.

[We see that the two stalls are occupied and the women inside begin a "rally" of fecally-motivated grunts]

Deuce!

Clip 3

S16 E02: "Foxx in the Men House"

Peter is incapacitated. Literally. Which leaves Stewie in charge of his cellphone. What can possibly go wrong?

Download Clip 0169-370 to your PC / Mac  

Stewie

Oh... Lois just texted. "Burgers or meatballs for dinner?" I'll text back for you. "Same thing, b**ch! Just different shapes."

[The phone goes mad with incoming text messages]

Oh! This is going to be fun!

Clip 4

S16 E02: "Foxx in the Men House"

Peter has a new friend. A bromance is forming. And he doesn't have time for his old friends any more.

Download Clip 0169-371 to your PC / Mac  

Lois

Peter, why did you just lie to the guys?

Peter

Because I've got plans with Striker. I don't want them to embarrass me.

Stewie

Meh. I get where he's coming from. That's why I never introduce you to my friends.

Brian

What friends?

Stewie

Like... the guys in my photography club.

[Cutaway to STEWIE alone in his bedroom, typing on a laptop]

Dear Gary Glitter, Geoffrey Jones and Jared from Subway... I feel like I'm the only one sending pics. I love all the positive feedback but maybe you guys send a pic? Anyway, here's more pics.

Clip 5

S16 E03: "Nanny Goats"

The Griffins have a load of goats. I'll spare you the details but I suspect this wasn't just happenstance. It made this gag (surely borrowed from Kingpin) possible.

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Peter

I have milked all the goats.

Lois

Peter, all those goats are males.

Peter

Well, the buckets are full and the goats are happy. I just hope word doesn't get around.

Clip 6

S16 E03: "Nanny Goats"

Stewie has a new nanny. She's called Natalia and she's Belarusian. Where childrens' books are dark, man. And I mean really dark.

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Natalia

Okay, Stewie. This is favourite Belarusian childrens' book called, "Goodnight Moon of Chernobyl."

[With STEWIE seated on her lap, she begins reading the book to him]

Goodnight, Chernobyl Moon. Goodnight, radiation house. Goodnight, melted phone. Goodnight, glowing milk. Goodnight, bleeding Grandpa's eyes. Goodnight, two-headed cat. Goodnight, nobody. Goodnight, blocks and blocks and blocks of nobody. The... end. Next book... "Everybody Poops... Blood."

Clip 7

S16 E03: "Nanny Goats"

There are times I'm glad that the Griffins are fictional characters because if I overheard a conversation like this in a restaurant, I'd vomit right on the table.

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Peter

Hey, hang on, hang on, Lois. Give me two of those round balls of butter and a breadstick. You'll see where I'm heading with this.

[He forms the breadstick and butter balls into an approximation of male genitalia]

Look, look, look... here's what you want.

[He breaks the breadstick in half, shortening the length of the penis]

Here's what you got.

Lois

I'm very happy with what I've got.

Peter

Hmm. Well, maybe I can give you half a breadstick later.

Lois

As long as you don't mind a little marinara dipping sauce.

Peter

That's absolutely disgusting. And I love it!

Clip 8

S16 E03: "Nanny Goats"

If this is what being married for a long time does to two people, you can count me out. This argument gets real nasty, real fast. There's some real vitriol here.

Download Clip 0169-375 to your PC / Mac  

Peter

[Makes wet noises with his mouth as he eats]

Lois

Oh. This.

Peter

What?

Lois

That mealy mouth thing you do. Take a sip of water.

Peter

I don't like water. I like pop. Hey, will you let me know when you're done using the phone charger that I brought?

Lois

Oh, you mean the only thing that you packed?

Peter

Yeah, I just assumed if you pay, you don't have to pack.

Lois

Here we go, my husband the Rockefeller. Lettin' my parents pay for the nanny.

Peter

Kids still lining up around the block for those piano lessons? I wonder which has more clutter on it? The piano or your treadmill? You know what? I'm gonna go with the treadmill.

Lois

Really? Let's go knock on the door of the next room and ask them which one of us is fat.

Peter

Oh, I'm so sorry I'm not Bradley Hooper.

Lois

It's Cooper, not Hooper. You're thinkin' of Mister Hooper from Sesame Street and I'd sooner bang him. He was a business owner. He was a successful man.

Peter

You think you're the only one in this relationship who wants to be with a successful man? Get over yourself.

Lois

Oh, hey... do you want these spit droplets back or are they for my arm to keep?

Peter

Sorry. I was trying to scare that fly on your hand. Oh! It's a liver spot. Never mind.

Lois

I'm hopin' it's Cancer. I want the ticket out.

Peter

Oh, if you die can I have all of your nothing?

Lois

What do you mean if I die? I've been dead since the minute I said, "I do!"

Peter

Well, the minute you say, "I don't," I am out that door.

Lois

Oh. Is that right?

Peter

Yep.

Lois

Well, what if I just said, "to hell with it. Go!"

Peter

What if you did?

Lois

Go.

Peter

Fine!

Clip 9

S16 E05: "Three Directors"

Brian is now living in Peter's place. He's married to Lois and when Peter comes knocking one day, you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. It's frosty. Brrrrrrr!

Download Clip 0169-376 to your PC / Mac  

Brian

[Opening the front door to find PETER standing on the doorstep]

Oh... hello, Peter. I was just out back working in the garden.

Peter

Oh yeah? Tryin' to grow some balls?

Brian

Okay. Okay.

Clip 10

S16 E07: "Peter IV"

Brian has a new job. I'll be honest. He applied simply because he fancied the girl in the adjacent cubicle. So, how's that working out for you, Brian?

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Brian

[Answering the phone]

Suicide Hotline.

Stewie

Hey, I'm a pathetic dog whose family kicked him out and I want to kill myself.

Brian

Stewie?

Stewie

Hey, Brian! How's the new job going?

Clip 11

S16 E08: "Crimes and Meg's Demeanor"

Brian is recovering in hospital having left a building through a window. Lois comes to visit him and meets (luckily for the purposes of this gag), a lady called Annie in the adjacent bed.

Download Clip 0169-378 to your PC / Mac  

Lois

Oh my God, Brian. Are you okay?

Brian

Yeah. I'm fine.

Lois

Annie, are you okay? So, Annie, are you okay? Are you okay, Annie?

Chris

What happened to her?

Lois

She was hit by... she was struck by... a smooth criminal.

Clip 12

S16 E09: "Don't Be a Dickens at Christmas"

Don't you, like me, wish that all advertising was this brutally honest? Imagine the money we'd all save if we didn't keep buying every tacky, crappy gadget we see on the internet and on TV?!

Download Clip 0169-379 to your PC / Mac  

V/O

Coming this holiday season, it's Star Blizzard. Using laser technology to shower your home in a blizzard of dazzling lights.

Man #1

So much easier than stringing Christmas lights.

Woman

I can light up my whole house for just pennies a day.

Frank

I looked into it and now I'm blind.

Frank's Wife

Honey, the house looks great!

Frank

Who's there?

Frank's Neighbour

Hey, Frank... could you turn that off? My cat's freakin' out.

Frank

Who's that now? I don't know voices yet. I'm new-blind!

V/O

Star Blizzard. Happy Holidays! And just don't look into it!

Clip 13

S16 E09: "Don't Be a Dickens at Christmas"

Some gags are funny without visuals. In this case, you're lucky that there are no visuals. Who wants to see the dangling scrotum of an Octogenarian when he bends over? Anyone? No? Good.

Download Clip 0169-380 to your PC / Mac  

Meg

Thanks, Grandpa. This Christmas is perfect. Isn't it, Mom?

Lois

Almost, Meg. Almost.

Chris

Yeah. It is. Except, every time Grandpa bends over to get a present, his robe opens up.

[CARTER bends over, giving CHRIS and STEWIE an unwelcome close-up of his distended, old man balls from behind]

Carter

Let's see... I think this is for Chris.

Stewie

Good God! Looks like two eggs in an old handkerchief!

Clip 14

S16 E10: "Boy (Dog) Meets Girl (Dog)"

What happens when a Veteran Arian goes to the Veterinarian's Office? Has this ever happened before? No. Probably not. But it doesn't stop Family Guy from cashing in on this play on words!

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German Man

Is zis ze Veteran Arians office?

Receptionist

No. This is the veterinarians. I think you want the Veteran Arians Centre, next door.

German Man

Ah! I see ze confusion. Zis must happen all ze time.

Veterinary Nurse

We're ready for the German Shepherd.

German Shepherd

[Who just so happens to be in the waiting room, apparently]

Ja! Zat would be me.

German Man

Zis is a very confusing lobby!

Clip 15

S16 E11: "Dog Bites Bear"

We should have taken bets on how long it would be before Family Guy parodied Dead Pool. Which in itself was a parody. So... yeah. Double Parody.

Download Clip 0169-382 to your PC / Mac  

Red Stool

Call me Red Stool. The treatment didn't give me powers but it did spread Cancer to my anus.

[A spoof of Angel of the Morning with alternative lyrics starts]

Just call me Anus, of the morning, Anus.

Just touch my cheek before you leave me, Anus.

This violence juxtaposed to music, Anus.

Decapitation in slow motion, Anus.

Clip 16

S16 E12: "Send in Stewie, Please"

Stewie is seeing a counsellor. Doctor Pritchfield. Who's English. So he MUST like Stewie's selection of insults, hmm?

Download Clip 0169-383 to your PC / Mac  

Doctor Pritchfield

You seem to have a lot of strong opinions.

Stewie

I do. Mostly because I come across a lot of d*cks. Or I guess I should say wa*kers. We do like that word, hmm? Or tosser, git, prat, sod, chuffer? Take your pick, eh, Doctor Pritchfield?

Clip 17

S16 E13: "V Is for Mystery"

In this episode, Stewie plays Sherlock Holmes and Brian plays Doctor Watson. Because they just do... okay?!

Download Clip 0169-384 to your PC / Mac  

Stewie

Women are mysterious. But don't ask me. Ask contemporary personality, Oscar Wilde.

Oscar Wilde

I prefer a man with a future and a woman with a past.

Stewie

[Laughs]

Oh, splendid! Well said! Splendid! All right, let's get out of here before we're all arrested for the crime of bum-fancy.

Clip 18

S16 E13: "V Is for Mystery"

Bruce plays a chimney sweep in this episode. He's being dangled down a chimney by another man. But his entrance isn't welcome. If you'll pardon the euphemism.

Download Clip 0169-385 to your PC / Mac  

Bruce

[Appearing in the fireplace from the chimney]

Sorry. Today was yo's cleaning day. Ya'll want me to come back later?

Stewie

Maybe, maybe... yuh. Maybe, maybe another day.

Bruce

That's fine. I'll pull out.

[Shouting up the chimney to his accomplice who starts trying to yank him back up]

Just go easy. It really hurt on the way in. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Clip 19

S16 E13: "V Is for Mystery"

If TV existed at the turn of the 20th century, adverts would be very different. VERY different.

Download Clip 0169-386 to your PC / Mac  

V/O

Will Watson and Holmes track down Constance? We'll be right back after these turn-of-the-century messages.

[Cut to an English gentleman's club]

Man #1

[Sighs]

Another dull night at the gentleman's club.

Man #2

What we need is some room-temperature gin.

Cockney Woman

'Ello, gents. Fancy some room-temperature gin?

Man #1

Shut up, you slag. No women allowed.

V/O

Room-temperature gin. Drink it without women, have an eel pie then go to bed.

Clip 20

S16 E14: "Veteran Guy"

This is ACTUALLY Kenny Loggins playing himself in this cutaway. Yes, you read that right. It's ACTUALLY Kenny Loggins. THE Kenny Loggins.

Download Clip 0169-387 to your PC / Mac  

Girl #1

Dad, Family Guy used two of your songs.

Kenny Loggins

Well, that's great. But I'm not your Dad. I'm Kenny Loggins and you're a groupie I brought here for sex.

Girl #2

Dad, Family Guy just -

Kenny Loggins

See? Now that's my daughter.

Clip 21

S16 E14: "Veteran Guy"

I wonder if this is true? I've flown Southwest Airlines ONCE but perhaps this is a regular occurrence? I guess they didn't sue... so it MUST be true!

Download Clip 0169-388 to your PC / Mac  

Peter

You know, guys. If being a Veteran is about anything, it's about getting half-hearted applause on a Southwest Airlines flight.

[Cue: half-hearted applause]

Passenger #1

Veterans!

Passenger #2

Yay, Veterans!

Clip 22

S16 E14: "Veteran Guy"

Having been convicted of Stolen Valor, Peter, Quagmire, Joe and Cleveland have been forced to join the Coastguard and they've just been given their first postings.

Download Clip 0169-389 to your PC / Mac  

Captain

[Clears his throat]

Everybody ships out tomorrow. You'll find your assignments listed on this sheet.

Peter

Oh, crap! Where in Iraq is Fort L Aud Erd Al-e?

Quagmire

Peter, that's Fort Lauderdale. We're being shipped out to guard freakin' Spring Break!

Clip 23

S16 E15: "The Woof of Wall Street"

If, like me, you loved Sesame Street growing up, this is going to ruin your childhood. Turn back now before it's too late. Don't touch that play button. Just don't.

Download Clip 0169-390 to your PC / Mac  

Stewie

Brian, you've turned into a monster!

Herry Monster

Hey! That's offensive to the monster community.

Elmo

Yeah, some of us are nice.

Brian

Yeah. Real nice. Weren't you charged with sexually abusing a sixteen-year-old?

Elmo

Elmo's accuser recanted and admitted the relationship was consensual.

Stewie

Yeah, but wasn't there another case that was only thrown out because the statute of limitations had expired?

Elmo

Elmo no comment.

Clip 24

S16 E15: "The Woof of Wall Street"

When Brian decides to make a shady-looking investment in a company that makes protein shakes, he discovers that the key ingredient is dog. Not a great investment. Especially for a dog.

Download Clip 0169-391 to your PC / Mac  

Brian

Hi. Brian Griffin. I have an appointment to see your CEO about an investment?

Receptionist

Ah, yes... we waiting for you. Here... breathe deeply into this investors' bag.

Brian

All right, now I'm not sure if I'm saying this right but, uh... BU... KAKKE.

[He inhales the contents of the bag and collapses]

Clip 25

S16 E17: "Switch the Flip"

In Quahog, Alexa is called Brandy. She's still a virtual assistant but she's pretty clueless.

Download Clip 0169-392 to your PC / Mac  

Brian

Brandy? What is love.

Brandy

John Lennon said, "Love is the answer." He also said, "No thanks, every hot woman. I'll take this woman crawling out of the well from The Ring who none of my friends like."

Brian

Yeah, I bet they were all like, "Oh, no!"

Brandy

Downloading Yoko Ono.

Brian

Oh, no!

Brandy

Downloading more Yoko Ono.

Brian

No! NO! No Ono.

Brandy

Downloading all Yoko Ono.

Brian

[Screams as a terrible guttural screeching sound begins to play]

Clip 26

S16 E18: "HTTPete"

Peter has destroyed the Internet. I mean, completely fu*ked it. And now only he can reverse the damage and drag the world back out of the dark ages. Possibly. Probably not, though.

Download Clip 0169-393 to your PC / Mac  

Meg

Dad, you've gotta do something. Nobody can live without the Internet.

Peter

[Sighs]

You're right. This sucks. It's even worse than when I was room mates with Oscar Pistorius.

[Cut to PETER sitting on a toilet in a bathroom. Somebody begins pounding on the door]

Peter

Somebody's in here.

[Three shots ring out as someone shoots through the door]

Peter

Somebody's IN here!