31 MP3 Audio clips from Season 17 of Family Guy (1999)

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It seems to be a rule that every season of Family Guy has to feature at least ONE joke about Michael Jackson. This is the joke for Season 17.

Peter

Hey, Brian... that hat makes you look like a wang. Squat and white with a dark mushroom cap like Michael Jackson.

Lois

Is that true?

Peter

[Sadly]

Yes.

When Brian married Jess, he was under the impression that she had only weeks to live. But, miraculously (and to his utter shock), she's made a full recovery.

Jess

[Farts loudly]

Brian, did you hear that?

Brian

Hmm-mm.

Jess

Remember what the doctor said? Flatulence means my digestive system is working again. Oh my God I must have, like... six months of cancer farts built up.

[She unleashes all of her built-up fart reserves]

Man

[Speaking through the wall from an adjoining room]

Would you stop farting, please? This is a nice hotel.

I'm not sure what's more disturbing about this. The fact that Peter has been photographing his own genitals or that his daughter found the photographs. Either way, it's blackmail time!

Lois

Oh, Meg... you have to babysit for Stewie, Saturday.

Meg

Nope.

Lois

Okay, Chris... you have to do it.

Chris

What? That's not fair. I have a party to go to.

Lois

Sorry. Meg found pictures on your father's computer and she's blackmailing us. She can do what she wants until we get some dirt on her.

Peter

I didn't know it was supposed to be hard before I took the picture.

Brian's on death row at the pound. He's pleading for his life. The vet, however, has no interest in saving him. None whatsoever. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Brian

There has to be something I can do.

Vet

Well, for two-hundred bucks I'll strangle you with my bare hands and stare into your eyes as you die.

Brian

What? I'm not paying for that.

Vet

I meant I'll pay you!

Families shouldn't have secrets. And this is exactly why. One person whispers something to someone else who reciprocates and suddenly everyone knows everything. It's not healthy.

Peter

So, Chris. I hear you've been doing some vaping. So douchey.

Chris

Mom... you told him? We had a deal.

Lois

Thanks a lot, Peter. You promised you wouldn't say anything.

Peter

Oh, I'm supposed to keep your secret after you lied to me about sneaking cigarettes?

Lois

What the hell, Chris?! You told him, too?

Chris

No, I didn't.

Peter

Brian told me.

Brian

Are you serious, Peter? You said you wouldn't say anything. I promised Meg I wouldn't tell anyone.

Meg

Oh, good job with that... d*ck! Chris, the only reason I told him was he promised he'd keep his mouth shut.

Lois

Oh, nice job, Chris. I should've known not to trust someone who kisses his own brother.

Chris

What? Who... who told you that?

Stewie

Don't look at me!

Lois

Meg told me. How does it feel, Meg, you friggin' town crier?!

If you've never heard the rumour that Eddie Murphy is gay, you won't get this joke. And we at Film Funnies don't care if he is or isn't.

Hudson

I'm glad I met you, Stewie. You're neat. Bye.

Stewie

Bye, Hudson! I like him. He's more fun than an Eddie Murphy bed.

[Cut to STEWIE showing someone around a house. He pulls down a fold-away bed]

Stewie

And check this out.

Bed

[Laughs]

Man

That's cool. Is it a queen?

Stewie

Not sure. But people have said it is.

Hudson is Stewie's new friend. He's on a play date at the Griffin residence. He likes Lois. Stewie, on the other hand, has this to say about his own mother.

Hudson

Your mom seems nice.

Stewie

She's a slag!

Lois and Stewie have just returned from a birthday party. Stewie has had his face painted to look like a cat. Brian doesn't like it. Not one bit.

Brian

[Barks aggressively at STEWIE]

Lois

Whoa, whoa, easy boy... easy. It... it's just Stewie in a kitty costume.

Stewie

I'm a Calico and my name is Humphrey.

Lois

He got his face painted at a birthday party. It was the only thing this little guy could do. He was too light for the caterpillar slide, too short for the piñata and too scared to touch the animals in the petting zoo.

Stewie

Half of them had erections.

Lois

Half of them had erections.

Stewie

The pony was magnificent.

Lois

The pony was magnificent.

Tiny Tom Cruise. It's not his first appearance in Family Guy but it might very well be his last. Because we're nearing the end, folks. Only one more season to go.

Stewie

Tiny Tom Cruise?

Tom

Oh, hey, little guy. Forgot my sunglasses.

Stewie

Hey, what's with your gay character names lately? Stacee Jaxx, Jack Reacher... I mean, who you playin' next?

Tom

Oh, right. Try to make this sound gay... next up, I play Headmaster Bates-Mann.

Stewie

Anything else?

Tom

Actually, yes. After that I'll be taking the role of Major Dixon-Butts, then, Senator Rod Clutcher.

Stewie has miniaturised himself and Brian with a new machine he's invented. They've ended up being sucked into a vacuum cleaner and dumped in the trash. What now, Stewie?

Brian

Oh my God, we're in the trash outside.

Stewie

We've got to get down from here. Quick, pass me that baggie.

[BRIAN passes STEWIE the baggie and STEWIE uses it as a parachute to glide safely to the sidewalk]

Brian

How am I supposed to get down? That was the only baggie.

Stewie

Use either the tampon strings or the discarded dental floss and repel down.

[A few seconds later, BRIAN lands on the sidewalk with a sickening thud]

Stewie

Which one did you go with?

Brian

Neither. I was hoping to kill myself!

Tiny Tom Cruise has saved the day. Much as the life-size (but still diminutive) version often does. But how can the Griiffins ever repay him?

Stewie

Thank you, Tiny Tom Cruise! How can we ever repay you?

Tom

Well, you could make a sizeable donation to the Church of Spaceship Beep-Boop.

Brian

You mean the Church of -

Tom

- Yeah! Kidnapping, torture, extortion... that's the one.

Stewie

And we won't get in trouble because we didn't use the actual name!

The Jewish Sabbath is on a Friday and orthodox Jews can't work on the Sabbath. It's debatable, however, whether Neil Goldman is taking it a little too far.

Brian

[Knocks at the front door of the Goldman residence]

Neil, can you come out? We need to talk to you.

Neil

[From inside the house]

I can't open the door. It's the Sabbath. You can come around the back entrance.

Brian / Stewie

[Sigh in unison]

Brian

Why are all the lights off?

Neil

I can't turn them on myself. It's the Sabbath. Get the lights for me, will ya? Also, can you pick up the phone and order me a pizza? I can't do it. It's... the Sabbath.

Stewie

Listen, Neil, we really wanted to talk about Meg.

Neil

That can wait. I've just looked at some porn and I need you guys to give me some assisted relief. I can't do it myself. It's the Sabbath.

Brian

[Leading STEWIE back out of the Goldman house some time later]

I can't believe we did all that and he still turned us down.

Stewie

I know. And... and also, Brian... it's Thursday!

It's a first date. Kevin and Meg. And it's all going rather well. Until Kevin offers Meg some more appetiser and she comes back with WAY too much information.

Kevin

More appetiser?

Meg

No thanks. Cauliflower gives me the scoots.

In this episode, Meg is qualifying for the Olympic Games. She's a Biathlete. And no, that doesn't mean she swings both ways. She's competing in the Biathlon!

Lois

Hey, Meg. Where you going?

Meg

Are you kidding? The Olympic Qualifiers are today. I'm competing.

Chris

In what?

Meg

I'm a bi -

Stewie

- Knew it!

Meg

- athlete.

Stewie

Didn't know it.

It's not just Meg who has a secret talent. No. Chris is a champion, too. Only his chosen activity is unlikely to meet with widespread approval. It's onanism. Sort of.

Lois

I have to say, I'm very proud of Meg. Who knew she was good at something?

Peter

Yeah, does anyone else in the family have any secret talents we don't know about?

Chris

I'm the Quahog Edging champion.

Peter

That's great, Chris. Now, what's that?

Chris

It's the practice of erotic sexual denial.

Peter

Go wait in the car. AND NO EDGING!

The New York Knicks (short for Knickerbockers) have not changed their name. Just to be clear. And if they did, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't call themselves this.

Stewie

Well, I have to say, you two are the best thing to happen to sport since the New York Knicks finally changed their name.

[Cut to basketball court with thumping soundtrack and loud, excited voice-over]

Announcer

Ladies and gentlemen... please welcome, your 2018 New York Pieces of Dog Sh*t!

Crowd

[Boo disapprovingly]

The set-up to this gag isn't too important. It's what the alarm clock says that tickles my funny bone every time I hear it. And no. That's not a euphemism. Honestly, what's wrong with you?!

Stewie

Two conmen like us, working together? We'll be set. Like a passive-aggressive alarm clock.

Alarm Clock

Uh, I don't know if you've noticed but the sun's been up for like an hour. No... no, no, no... you don't have to get up. Let your wife do everything. Just keep sleeping. You're a good husband. I'm sure she doesn't fantasise about your contractor who's already downstairs working on... well, I can't really figure out what he's working on. Oh... I know. Your wife!

Mr. Herbert has employed Chris and Peter to mow his lawn. Thing is, Chris is doing all the work whilst Peter is... riding Mr. Herbert around the living room. Yes. Seriously.

Chris

It's time you did all the work and I goof off with Mister Herbert.

Peter

Like hell it is!

[A violent struggle ensues in MISTER HERBERT'S living room during which PETER and CHRIS lose their shirts]

Mr. Herbert

Jessie... is this really happening?!

Chris

You're going down old man.

Peter

I ain't the one going down. You're going down.

Chris

No way. I'm gonna pound your ass.

Peter

You're seeming kind of cocky. And I hate cocky. Boo cocky!

[Yes, I'm aware that "Boo cocky" sounds a lot like "Bukkake"]

Mr. Herbert

[Swoons]

Chris

Why you being such a jerk, Dad?

Mr. Herbert

D-D-D-DAD?

Chris

Yeah. This is my Dad.

Mr. Herbert

[Explodes, noisily and messily]

Chris

Well, he often said he wanted to explode all over me. He finally did.

Peter is really bad at reading signals from women. Really bad at it. As you're about to find out.

Sheila

Hey, Peter.

Peter

[Sweeping everything off his desk onto the floor and beginning to undress]

All right, Sheila. Let's do it right here on the desk while Bert watches.

Bert

No, Peter. That's not what this is.

If you're looking for a new mascot for a brewery, the best place to start is in the men's room. Apparently.

Bert

Griffin?

Peter

[From within a toilet stall]

No.

Sheila

[Shoving open the door to reveal PETER sat on the toilet, his pants around his ankles]

It is you, Peter. What are you doing?

Peter

Playing a game on my phone and having a beer. And, God willing, going to the bathroom.

Bert

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Sheila

He must be sh*tting on his shirt tail?

Bert

Eww, yes. But also, that's exactly the kind of customer we should be appealing to. I think we've found our new mascot. Are you in, Peter?

Peter

May I have a moment to talk it over with my mentor?

Sheila

Sure.

[PETER shuts the cubicle door and begins to fart loudly. Finally, he opens the door again]

Peter

I'm in.

[A final fart escapes]

No. We did it!

When I first captured this audio, I thought it was funny. But now? I'm not sure. It's pretty sinister. Because it eludes to... well, you know. And that's not a laughing matter.

Brian

Minions 3?

Lois

Yeah! In this one, Gru has been replaced by Harvey Weinstein.

[Cut to scene of the imaginary movie]

Harvey

Oh. You like working for bad guys? I'll show you bad guy. Now you touch it. You know what to touch.

Minion

[Crying]

B... banana.

Peter has, albeit inadvertently, become a trans-gender man. Or is that a trans-gender woman? Which way around is it if a man... you know what? It doesn't matter. It's funny anyway.

Peter

Now that I'm livin' as a woman, I can say whatever I want to men and they can't hit me.

[Cut to: Exterior of Quagmire's house. PETER rings the doorbell]

Quagmire

[Opening the door]

Oh hey, Peter.

Peter

Sully could've made it to an airport.

Quagmire

You shut your mouth. That man is a hero.

[QUAGMIRE draws his arm back as though to strike PETER]

Peter

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Woman!

Quagmire

[Sighs]

Well, it's definitely true that I respect the boundaries of women. Oh, hey, Sherry. Uh, just... just get in the fireplace. I'll... I'll spit down the chimney.

I'm not sure that this is a thing. I mean, women don't routinely fart around each other, do they? And certainly not in a restaurant, surely? I mean... that would be... awful, right?

Sheila

Now, Peter. One of the perks of being a woman is that you get to go out and have a white wine, squeak fart lunch with you friends.

[Cut to: Restaurant interior]

Did you hear, Diane's husband left her?

[Farts]

Woman #1

Yeah. You could tell from the wedding they were not going to last.

[Farts]

Woman #2

Oh, it's a shame. And they have two kids.

[Farts]

Peter

Marriage is hard.

[Farts]

Those machines in the ladies' room, don't vend pants, do they?

If you don't get this reference, you need to look up James Franco. He's a famous actor, sure. But his morals are allegedly seriously askew.

Peter

I've been here all day and I can't move. I've got it. I'll do what James Franco did in 127 Hours.

[He makes a phone call]

Operator

UCLA Admissions Office.

Peter

Yes, I'd like to enrol in a couple of classes so I can have sex with girls not old enough to get into bars.

This is hilarious. It's always best, if you're telling people something private in public, to ensure that the ambient sound will drown out your words to all but the intended recipients.

Peter

Oh, man... this means I'm the work fatty! I haven't been this embarrassed since I forgot about the silent part in George Michael's Faith.

[Cut to INT: Drunken Clam - PETER and friends sat at their usual table]

George Michael

♪

Well, I need someone to hold me but I'll wait for somethin' more.

♪

Peter

I've started using these pills called "Stiff for Hours" from the gas station.

George Michael

♪

Yes, I gotta' have faith.

Ooh, I've gotta' have faith.

♪

This is a funked-up version of the closing title music. Perfect for a ringtone, I feel. Go on, treat yourself!

[Funky version of Family Guy closing title music]

Imagine being a dog. How confusing must it be to take a dump and have a human immediately scramble to pick it up? Must feel like they're royalty, huh?

Brian

Boy, I tell ya. No better way to start your day than a morning dump in a neighbour's yard.

Quagmire

C'MON, BRIAN!

Brian

It was a soft steamer. Almost impossible to pick up.

Oh, Stewie. He loves his Big Wheel. It's of great sentimental value. For reasons that are about to become very, graphically clear.

Stewie

I've got to get that Big Wheel back. Will you drive me to the town dump?

Brian

Really? Can't we just... maybe.... buy you a new one?

Stewie

No, Brian. It has to be that Big Wheel. It's very special to me. I lost my V-Card on that thing.

Brian

You what?

Stewie

Yep. Went over a speedbump really fast and broke my hymen.

Brian

Stewie, you don't have a hymen.

Stewie

Yeah, not any more!

Brian

No. You're a boy.

Stewie

I have to correct you there, Brian. I'm a man. 'Cos... you know... broken hymen.

Brian

Boys don't have hymens.

Stewie

Okay... then I may have just ripped my taint. Either way, I love that bike!

Oh, God. That poor kid. Rescued from a world of silence by a BAHA, his father switches on the device and THIS is what he says to his child? Really? Jeez.

Quagmire

Will you teach me the ways of the middle-aged woman?

Lois

All right. I'm a sucker for romance.

Quagmire

Thanks, Lois. This could open up a whole new world for me. Like one of those kids who gets a device that allows them to hear for the first time.

Father

[Powering up his son's BAHA for the first time]

Billy? Can you hear?

Billy

Yes!

Father

Amazing! This is amazing! Your mom and I are going to get a divorce. I'm in love with someone else and I didn't want to say it with the silly hands.

Stewie. For someone so well-spoken, so educated, so intelligent and so eloquent, he can be a real douche at times.

Lois

I just read Tricia Takanawa's book and it was really inspiring. She says that when you de-clutter your house, you de-clutter your mind and clear a path to true happiness.

Stewie

How 'bout a clear path to dinner, b**ch?!

There are some things that no father wants to know about his own daughter. And in this scene, Peter is about to find out TWO of them.

Peter

All right, Meg... now that you're an internet personality, we've gotta build your brand. Is there anything you can do?

Meg

Uh, yeah, actually... I can [CENSOR BLEEPS]

Peter

Is... is there anything you can do in front of your Dad?

Meg

I can shuffle a deck of cards.

Peter

Oh, good.

Meg

With my [CENSOR BLEEPS]

Peter

All right, we're taking your bedroom door off the hinges.