18 MP3 Audio clips from Season 18 of Family Guy (1999)

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I'm not going to get dragged into the politics of this one. I'll leave that to Twitter. Here we have an exchange between Ida and a bartender.

Bartender

Excuse me, ma'am... no porn at the bar.

Ida

Oh, it's okay. I'm trans-gender.

Bartender

Oh, I... I had no idea. Do whatever you want. All the time.

Quagmire's father became a woman. Remember that? And Brian "boned" her. Remember that, too? Well, here we go again, Funnies fans...

Ida

Does that mean you're asking me out?

Brian

I guess it does.

Ida

You're... not ashamed... to be with me?

Brian

No, I'm not. I don't care anymore. I guess I'm just... not as hung up as I used to be.

[There's a loud knock at the hotel room door]

Man

Room Service!

Brian

Oh my God, you ordered room service?! Are you crazy?! What if somebody finds out I'm in here having goofball sex?!

[BRIAN runs into the bathroom and slams the door shut behind him]

Müeslix. It's a German health cereal, made from oats and fibre. It's good for you. But it does have a drawback. It likes to watch you poop.

Lois

Peter, I spoke with my parents and we can live with them until our house is fixed.

Peter

Great. It's gonna suck worse than Müeslix. You know, the German health cereal?

[Cut to PETER pushing a cart in a supermarket]

Müeslix

Guten Morgen! Try me. I am made of oats and fibre.

Peter

Okay. Sounds healthy.

Müeslix

Ja! Also, I am German and wouldn't mind watching you crap.

Peter

Uhhhh... I dunno.

Müeslix

Come, come. It will be mein and yours little secret. Just the two of us. Please, take me home.

Peter

Uhhhh... okay. But just you.

[Cut to Griffin bathroom, PETER sat on the toilet surrounded by boxes of Müeslix]

Peter

I don't feel safe now.

Müeslix

STOP TALKING... CONCENTRATE OF ZE POOPING!

V/O

Müeslix. The weird European cereal that likes to watch you poop.

Stewie is entering a baking contest. His family have been exaggeratedly supportive. Brian is more realistic and certainly more helpful.

Brian

Stewie, you're a smart kid. I know you can bake a pie. And I'll help you.

Stewie

You will? Oh, thank you, Brian. This calls for champagne.

[STEWIE mimes opening a bottle of champagne and pouring it into flutes]

Stewie

Glug-glug-glug, bottoms up!

[Noticing that BRIAN is looking confused]

Go with it.

Brian

Yuk... Corbelle?

Stewie

It's not Corbelle it's -

Brian

Go with it.

Stewie

Yes. I had some left over from Denise's wedding.

Brian

Who's Denise?

Stewie

Go with it.

Brian

Fine. How is Denise? Did she have the abortion?

Stewie

Abortion?!

Brian

Go with it.

Stewie

Uh, no. Her alarm didn't go off. So she missed it. So... Brian, is this your first orgy?

Brian

Not going with it.

You've got to love the observational nature of Seth MacFarlane's comedy. This is so true of most local news stations.

Tom Tucker

Good evening. Quite a battle brewing... clever news pun doesn't really work as I haven't yet mentioned the subject of the story... at Quahog's new Cat Café. Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa filed this report.

Tricia Takanawa

Tom, I'm standing here outside of Quahog's new Cat Café. Local resident Brian Griffin has described the café as a threat to public health.

Brian

That's right, Tricia and since I'm on local TV, I'M GONNA TALK A LITTLE TOO LOUD AND THEN OCCASIONALLY I'M GONNA turn away from the microphone to point at things off camera SO MY OVERALL POINT IS LOST.

Tricia Takanawa

Powerful claims. Thank you, Brian.

We all remember the good old days of dial-up connections and that AOL voice that greeted you each time you logged on, right?

Peter

Despite having broken up, I would sometimes sneak away to the internet to go flirt with your mom.

[Cut to PETER sitting down with CLEVELAND, JOE and QUAGMIRE]

Well, I'm gonna go move my bangs with my pinkie in front of the mirror.

[PETER leaves the room]

AOL Voice

Welcome!

Peter

Shh, shh, shh, shhh!

AOL Voice

You've got mail!

Peter

Okay, good... but quiet!

AOL Voice

You've got male porn!

Peter

Shh, shh, shhh!

I don't have words to describe this clip. Probably best I don't try. Just give it a listen and decide for yourself what kind of pervert Socrates was. Allegedly.

Stewie

What?

Carter

Helen has run off with Paris. We're going to get her back and burn Troy to the ground.

Stewie

Well, that sounds good. I just need to cancel my lesson with Socrates first.

Chris

Isn't he that thinker they keep shuffling around from one philosophy school district to the next?

Stewie

No. He's the one whose method is all about asking questions.

Chris

Like what?

Stewie

"Have you ever tried wine?", "Can you keep a secret?", "You know this is your fault, right?" Yeah. He'll... he'll make you question a lot about yourself.

Meg took Stewie to see Santa. Santa sat them both on his knee. And bounced them. Which made Meg's "Little Mermaid" moana. If you catch my drift.

Brian

Can you pass the milk? Stewie? Can you pass the milk? Hey! Pass the milk! What the hell's going on with you?

Stewie

I... I haven't slept in two days.

Brian

Is this still that Santa thing? Get over it.

Stewie

You didn't see the things I saw. I mean, Santa Claus was bouncing us on his knee. And it got a little faster. Then faster. And the more he bounced, the bigger Meg's eyes got. It was... it was... just look at the picture.

Brian

Wow! Okay, uh... Stewie, I think I know what happened. I can't tell you explicitly since we're owned by Disney but... let me just say that Santa made her "Little Mermaid" moana.

Stewie

Oh!

Brian

Exactly.

Stewie

Brian, would you hand me the fat man's fancy puking hat?

[BRIAN hands a top hat to STEWIE who proceeds to vomit violently into it]

Blurgh! Blurgh! Blurgh!

Sinister. That's the only way I can describe this conversation between Meg and tennis legend Jimmy Connors. Yes. Sinister.

Jimmy Connors

Meg, I think you're going to be just fine. But just in case... here. I want you to have these.

[JIMMY hands MEG two tennis balls]

Meg

Your balls?

Jimmy Connors

That's right. Whenever you need me, just rub my balls and I'll come.

Lois has had a haircut. It's short. Too short for Peter's liking. Which is what he's trying to say when he comes out with this pearl of wisdom.

Peter

With my boobs and your hair, everybody's gonna think we're a lesbian couple.

Isn't this just perfect for a message tone? Yeah. I think so, too. Your friends will be texting you just to make your phone plays this classic.

[PETER produces a loud, wet fart]

Peter

Uh-oh!

Peter has borrowed the Van Halen album 1984 from the library and he's become obsessed with it.

Lois

Peter, I'm not okay with this new Van Halen phase of yours.

Meg

Yeah, Dad. It's crazy. Like JFK deciding to cruise through Dallas in a rental

[Cut to a car rental company, a Secret Service agent handing the keys back to a worker]

Rental Guy

How'd that rental work out for ya?

Agent

Yeah, I dun... I dunno. Good. Okay.

Rental Guy

And did you get all your stuff out of the car?

Agent

Kind of.

Peter is in a coma. But luckily there's a medical professional taking care of him. And the rest of the time, there's Doctor Hartman.

Lois

My husband is in a coma?

Doctor Hartman

I'm afraid so. I mean, he's not responding to my advances so it's either a coma or he's a frigid b**ch.

Joe has a unique way of delivering a death message. Which is lucky because if all cops gave bad news like this... it doesn't bear thinking about.

[There's a knock at the Griffins' front door. PETER opens it to find JOE on the doorstep]

Peter

Hey, buddy! What brings you around at this late hour with your uniform on and your hat held mournfully against your chest?

Joe

Peter, Lois... it pains me above the waist to tell you that Meg is dead.

Lois

WHAT?! How did this happen?

Joe

She got in a car wreck and was burned beyond recognition. And I levelled-up on Fortnite this weekend but you probably only care about the first two things.

Lois

Oh, Dear God, NO!

Principal Shepherd has gathered the students of Adam West High School in the gymnasium to make an announcement over a loudspeaker.

Principal Shepherd

Good morning, students. We are gathered here for two reasons today. One, to mourn the loss of Meg Griffin and two, to find the owner of this X-Men water bottle someone left in Woodshop. Does anyone recognise it?

Male Student

I'll take it.

Principal Shepherd

That's not what I asked. Anyone? I'm not gonna tell you which character's on it. You have to be able to tell me the character.

Male Student

Wolverine.

Principal Shepherd

Are you guessing?

Male Student

Am I right?

Principal Shepherd

All right, we'll handle this after. But now, here to help you mourn, an artist who specialises in sensitive music to do "finger stuff" to, Mister John Mayer!

John Mayer

It's good to be here. I love High School!

Female Student

Who are you? I was born in two-thousand-three.

John Mayer

Then I'm probably your father.

Principal Shepherd

Oooh, pwned!

This clip raises more questions than it provides answers to. Just how, exactly, can a man fake an orgasm and since when did people give raccoons egg salad?

Meg

I'm sorry I faked my own death, mom.

Lois

It's okay, Meg. Actually, I should've known. Fakin' stuff is part of being a woman.

Meg

Really?

Lois

Oh, yeah. Women fake a lot of things. You faked your death, I fake orgasms and being impressed by my husband's accomplishments at work.

[PETER arrives home]

Peter

Hey, Lois! Guess who got to erase the white board in a meeting today?

Lois

Oh, MY! I think someone's earned himself Momma Lois' famous egg salad. Huh?!

Peter

Oh, YUM! Today just keeps gettin' better and better!

Chris

Dad, I thought you hated mom's egg salad.

Peter

Chris, part of being a man is faking things. Like orgasms or pretending to like your wife's egg salad. And anyway, I give it to that raccoon outside who likes me.

Baby Raccoon

I thought you hated that guy?

Raccoon

Part of being a raccoon is faking things. Like orgasms or pretending to like people who give you egg salad.

Peter is Adam in this clip. Lois is Eve. God is God. And, for some reason, Family Guy love ripping into Florida which is surely the best place to live on Earth. What IS it with these guys and Florida?

Adam

It's not our fault. You created the most tempting thing man has ever known. A piece of fruit.

God

That's it. You two are kicked out of paradise.

Adam

But where will we live?

God

The opposite of Eden.

[Cut to ADAM and EVE standing next to a Floridian road sign]

Adam

Well, Florida... time to fit in. Let's go have sex with gum in our mouths.

Chris is curious about how (according to The Bible) we are all descendants of Adam and Eve. Which means that their children must have... oh, it's such a horrible thought.

Lois

They populated the Earth.

Meg

How?

Lois

They had kids.

Meg

Okay, but then what did they do?

Lois

They had kids, too.

Meg

With who?

Lois

They were fruitful.

Meg

With who?

Peter

Well, the girls with either their brothers or their fathers and the boys with either their sisters or their mothers.

Meg

That's disgusting.

Peter

No, Meg. That's The Bible.