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47 MP3 Audio clips from Season 19 of Family Guy (1999)

Family Guy is one of the longest running (and arguably the funniest) cartoon shows ever to come out of the USA. It follows the dysfunctional Griffin family; Peter, Lois, Meg, Chris, Stewie and their talking dog Brian as they survive life in a small Rhode Island town. Expect filth, cursing, sick jokes and twisted animation. All the things we really love, huh?!

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Timestamp: 2024-01-08 | Added: 2020-05-03
Family Guy

Family Guy | Season 19

© 1999 20th Century Fox Television

Family Guy is one of the longest running (and arguably the funniest) cartoon shows ever to come out of the USA. It follows the dysfunctional Griffin family; Peter, Lois, Meg, Chris, Stewie and their talking dog Brian as they survive life in a small Rhode Island town. Expect filth, cursing, sick jokes and twisted animation. All the things we really love, huh?!

UPDATED: | CLIPS: 637

WARNING: ADULT CONTENT!

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Clip 1

S19 E01: "Stewie's First Word"

It wouldn't be Family Guy if they weren't poking fun at the good people of Boston, Massachusetts. If you're from Boston and take offence, don't blame me. I'm just the messenger.

Download Clip 0169-459 to your PC / Mac  

Peter

Guys... from now on, I am living my life according to the Magic 8 Ball. It will lead me like the sure bird that led the first pilgrims to Boston.

[Cutaway to Pilgrims landing at Plymouth Bay in 1620]

Bird

Ahoy! Are you looking to build a city where sports fans can be notoriously racist?

Pilgrim 1

Yeah, and can we also ruin Sweet Caroline for everyone else?

Bird

Absolutely!

Pilgrim 2

Can our airport security people be responsible for 9/11?

Pilgrim 3

And can our own 9/11 be, like, 1/1000th as bad but we'll still make a frickin' movie about it?

Bird

I think I know just the place.

Pilgrim 1

Okay, I don't know if this is going to be a problem but we forgot to bring the letter R.

Bird

No problem at all. Right this way, large-faced whites!

Pilgrims

Let's go Red Sox!

[Rhythmic clapping]

Let's go Red Sox!

Clip 2

S19 E01: "Stewie's First Word"

Stewie's first word was... well, it was bleeped out but I think it was "fu*k". Which is not great. That should not be a baby's first word. Or in a baby's vocabulary whatsoever.

Download Clip 0169-460 to your PC / Mac  

Lois

I can't believe Stewie finally said his first word and it ends up being... that. Right now every woman in my Mommy Wine Group is judging me. I may have to start drinking wine at home alone.

Chris

Start?

Lois

NOT THE DAY FOR IT, CHRIS! NOT THE DAY!

Clip 3

S19 E01: "Stewie's First Word"

It's not Bostonians coming under fire this time. It's Canadians. And all because Lois thinks that Stewie MAY have developed a potty-mouth from watching Caillou.

Download Clip 0169-461 to your PC / Mac  

Little Boy

Dad, why are we sitting on the washing machine?

Father

Because in Canada, men have vaginas.

Clip 4

S19 E01: "Stewie's First Word"

Blaming herself for corrupting Stewie, Lois is attending a relaxation retreat at Vista del Vista Resort. And their plumbing is lousy. Apparently.

Download Clip 0169-462 to your PC / Mac  

Yoga Instructor

Good morning, everyone! Let me start with another friendly reminder to please not flush your feminine products. The yard over the septic tank out back looks like a Braveheart battlefield.

Clip 5

S19 E02: "The Talented Mr. Stewie"

Stewie has discovered that Rupert actually belonged to Chris first. And he's not terribly happy with the betrayal of it all. Which brings us on to a jizz-soaked peach. Yes. You read that right.

Download Clip 0169-463 to your PC / Mac  

Stewie

You know what? It's just like I said. He and Chris go together. Like peaches and cream.

[Cutaway to a kitchen where a peach, covered in cream, is walking away from a walking jug of the stuff]

Cream

Peaches... Peaches, I'm sorry.

Peach

Damnit! You could have at least given me some warning. At least a shoulder tap.

Cream

I know. You're right. It... it's just that you're so beautiful, I can't control myself sometimes.

Peach

Aww, I can't stay mad at you. How about a kiss?

Cream

[Laughing incredulously]

No! Oh, no!

Clip 6

S19 E03: "Boys & Squirrels"

If you're a Chiropractor, you're probably going to be p*ssed that your occupation is ridiculed in this way. But there's some truth in it, right?

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Doctor Hartman

You know, sometimes, joint pain is connected to back issues. Have you ever had a chiropractic adjustment?

Peter

What's that?

Doctor Hartman

It's a procedure where a guy who couldn't get into medical school tries to rip your head off.

Peter

Does it work?

Doctor Hartman

If you believe it works. It's kind of like the Polar Express.

Peter

Let's do it!

Doctor Hartman

Okay, I'll give it a shot. But this type of thing is usually done in strip malls next to a Little Caesar's.

[DOCTOR HARTMAN pulls on PETER'S head. His hands slip and he strikes the wall, sliding down to the floor]

Clip 7

S19 E04: "Cutawayland"

Who says romance is dead and that young love isn't beautiful? Well, anyone who's ever seen this cutaway from Episode 4, certainly. How did Lois ever get involved with Peter?!

Download Clip 0169-465 to your PC / Mac  

Peter

Hey, Lois. You remember that time you and me made it under the boardwalk?

[Cutaway to flashback of PETER and LOIS as teenagers, making out beneath a boardwalk]

Young Peter

When I go back to school, my greaser friends are gonna say, "tell me more, tell me more" and I'm gonna say you were a slut.

Clip 8

S19 E05: "La Famiglia Guy"

It's Susie's christening and there's a huge party to celebrate. Everyone is invited. Including arguably the world's most inappropriate children's entertainer. Oh. No. That's Rolf Harris. My bad.

Download Clip 0169-466 to your PC / Mac  

Joe

Everyone enjoy. After the kids, we've got games and also a party princess dressed as Elsa who's clearly a prostitute but please don't proposition her here. Just nod in her direction, trust me... she'll get it. It's her profession.

Clip 9

S19 E05: "La Famiglia Guy"

The party is in full swing. As is the Piñata. Which happens to be Peter's favourite.

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Peter

Oh, cool... they've got a Piñata.

Lois

Peter, it's for the kids.

Peter

Like hell, it is. I'm the Godfather of this event and I want a debilitating wine-and-candy headache.

[PETER approaches the CHILD swinging at the piñata and takes the bat from him, pushing him over in the process]

Give me that, kid.

[Shot widens to reveal that the child in question is, in fact, STEWIE]

Stewie

I'm your son, you d*ck!

Clip 10

S19 E05: "La Famiglia Guy"

Peter is infiltrating the mafia, wearing a wire, to give Joe enough evidence to shut down their operation forever.

Download Clip 0169-468 to your PC / Mac  

Don

Let me introduce you to the other dons.

[First up, we have a fairly close approximation of the Disney character Donald Duck]

Don

Don Duck...

[Next comes a caricature of Donkey Kong]

Don

Don Keykong... Don Amnesia -

Don Amnesia

- Forget about it!

Don

Don Omatopoeia -

Don Omatopoeia

- Bang!

Don

The Land Don Under -

Don Under

- You come to me today, on the day of my daughter's barbecue.

Don

Don Imus -

Don Imus

- The Rutgers basketball team is black and disgusting.

Don

That's a wrap for Don Imus.

[DON IMUS is grabbed and dragged away]

Don

Finally, the scariest don of them all: Don-De-Don-Don -

Don-De-Don-Don

- Thank you. I'd like to introduce you all to my suspenseful son, Don Don-Don!

Clip 11

S19 E07: "Wild Wild West"

It's time to elect a new mayor to replace the late Mayor Adam West. It looks as though Quahog's librarian might be just the person for the job. Her name could be a problem, though. Yeah. Not good.

Download Clip 0169-469 to your PC / Mac  

Lois

You know, I think you might be a really good candidate. You know the town, you're smart and you clearly have nothing better to do so, all in favour of our librarian running for mayor, say "aye".

Group

Aye!

Peter

What about Alf?

Lois

Let's toast our new mayor. Um, I'm sorry, I don't even know your name.

Librarian

Elle. Elle Hitler. No relation.

Lois

Elle Hitler? Well, let's all say, "Hi to Elle Hitler!"

Group

HI, ELLE HITLER! YAY!

Clip 12

S19 E07: "Wild Wild West"

Wow, what's got into Quagmire? All Peter did was expressed surprise that his friends had never heard of Mayor Adam West's cousin, predictably called "Wild" West.

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Peter

Mayor West didn't have any kids but he did have a cousin. Wild West. You guys don't know Wild West?

Quagmire

No and please don't diminish us for not knowing the same things you know. You know how to land an airplane? No. You don't. Asswipe!

Clip 13

S19 E07: "Wild Wild West"

It's time for Wild West to do some neighbourhood canvassing as a mayoral candidate. He knocks on Bruce's door. Bruce takes a shine to the prospective mayor immediately.

Download Clip 0169-471 to your PC / Mac  

Wild West

Afternoon, citizen. My name's Wild West and I'm runnin' for Mayor. What might your name be?

Bruce

Bruce.

Wild West

Pleasure, Bruce. If you don't mind, I'd like to roll up your garden hose for ya. The right way.

Bruce

Oh, okay.

[WILD WEST begins to manhandle BRUCE'S hose which... is probably the gayest thing I've ever typed]

Wild West

Y'see, Bruce... every hose has a memory. And you've just got to tap into that memory. Y'see this kink, here?

Bruce

I...

[Gulps]

... I do see that kink.

Wild West

Well, a hose is very desirous of its original shape. And if you know how to work those kinks, it should straighten itself right out.

[A little bit of water hits BRUCE in the face]

Bruce

Oh, merciful heavens!

[Sighs]

Well, if you need some help on your campaign, I'm very experienced at taking polls.

Clip 14

S19 E07: "Wild Wild West"

Peter is introducing Wild West to his own family. Next up is Meg. Because... well, I guess he had to introduce them at some point, huh?!

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Peter

Wild West, this is my daughter, Meg. She also has a moustache.

Wild West

I can see that. Nice to meet you, Meg.

Meg

Wow... you've got a great voice. Would you record my outgoing voicemail message?

Wild West

Oh, I'd be happy to.

Meg

And could you make it sound like one of your truck commercials?

[MEG hits record and WILD WEST begins to speak]

Wild West

If you're looking for somethin' rugged, somethin' durable, somethin' with an endless supply of gas and a tailgate made for dumpin', then you must be lookin' for Meg Griffin. Meg might not be much to look at but with two different shaped airbags, Meg is one ride you won't mind takin' out to the middle of nowhere and givin' it your all. She's road-ready and road-hard. Meg Griffin. Kindly leave your go-by and roman numerics at the sound of the chow bell.

[The chow bell is chimed]

Clip 15

S19 E08: "Pawtucket Pat"

Cox on Demand. Cox. On. Demand. Do I really need to say any more about this play on words? No? Good. Enjoy.

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Peter

All right, let's see what's on demand.

Announcer

Thank you for watching Cox Cable On Demand. We have a lot of great movies, like Guy Ritchie's Snatch on Cox.

Peter

All right...

Announcer

And we've got other great features. If you want to see Carrie, Blow, Big, Shaft and the 2008 indie hit Choke, you need Cox.

Peter

Okay, I... I guess they're all movies.

Announcer

And if you're looking for comedy, check out performers Lewis Black, Andy Dick and Ed Lover -

Lois

- Peter, turn off the TV.

Clip 16

S19 E08: "Pawtucket Pat"

It's amazing what historical documentation you can find at the Quahog library. Even Pawtucket Pat's original diary.

Download Clip 0169-474 to your PC / Mac  

Brian

Okay, this is everything they have on Pat. God, I bet no one's even read most of this stuff before. Huh, what's this? Some kind of leather-bound book sealed with wax. Wow. I think it's his diary.

Stewie

See? Men can too have diaries.

Brian

Yeah, his cover doesn't have sparkles, champ. First page: "Dad, don't read this." Second page: "Seriously, Dad, don't read this." Third page: "Dad, what are you doing? Don't read this." Fourth page: "I kissed my sister." Okay, let's flip ahead.

Clip 17

S19 E08: "Pawtucket Pat"

Protestors are about to tear down the statue of Pawtucket Pat owing to the discovery of his links to the slave trade. Peter, however, is incensed.

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Peter

You can't tear this down. Pat's an icon. That statue belongs right here in the park, next to the statue of Quahog's greatest missionary, Father Touchboys.

Protestor

That statue was removed a year ago.

Peter

For what?!

Clip 18

S19 E09: "The First No L"

Peter knows his way around a strip mall. The protocols. And it's high-time his children benefited from his knowledge and experience.

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Peter

Okay, guys now before you can shop at a strip mall, you have to use the freestanding ATM that's chained to a pole and not affiliated with any known bank.

[He inserts his card]

Good! It's taking an extra long time to read the card and probably stealing the number. "Select yes to pay a $15 fee." No brainer. Perfect... now I can't read the screen 'cos the glare is so bad. And it's not giving me my card back.

[PETER'S mobile phone rings and he answers it]

Hello? Yes, this is Peter Griffin. Not any more? Well, thanks for telling me!

Clip 19

S19 E09: "The First No L"

Is this a thing? Do you mean to tell me that I should have visited Paperchase just to wander the aisles and fart? Why did nobody tell me BEFORE it filed for bankruptcy?

Download Clip 0169-477 to your PC / Mac  

Peter

Look, there's a card and nice paper store. Let's go walk around it slowly and let out tiny farts.

[Cut to inside of stationery store. PETER, CHRIS and MEG enter]

Hmm. Nice thick card stock.

[Farts]

Chris

Ah, yes. That's a very bright white.

[Farts]

Meg

Ooh, Century Gothic font.

[Flat-out sh*ts herself]

Shopkeeper

Miss, this store is for tiny farts only. There's a Lids next door for that sort of thing.

Clip 20

S19 E10: "Fecal Matters"

Ernie, the rooster that Peter has fought in so, so many cutaways is now lying on a hospital bed, dying. But that's no reason not to enjoy a cheeky play on words, right, Peter?

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Ernie

Uh, this is probably for the best, anyway. There's nothin' left for me in this world. I lost my job, I lost my house, my wife left me for a bigger c*ck.

Peter

[To camera]

C*cks are chickens.

Ernie

I'm better off dead.

Peter

Oh, that's sad. I agree. I guess that means I win, huh? I gotta go.

Hen

You get five minutes to say goodbye to your father.

[Shot loosens to reveal that ERNIE'S SON is absolutely huge]

Cockerel

'Sup, Ernie?

Peter

Holy Moly, that's a huge c*ck!

Clip 21

S19 E11: "Boy's Best Friend"

Brian has got himself a date with Holly who works at the local shoe store. Stewie has a suggestion as to where he might take her on Friday night. The Cheesecake Factory.

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Holly

See ya Friday.

Stewie

Good for you, Brian. Maybe you can take her to the Cheesecake Factory. People seem to like that place.

[INT: Cheesecake Factory. A couple are sat at a table flicking through a massive menu]

Waiter

Did you folks find something on the menu you would like?

Man

No. A hundred and ten pages and... no.

Clip 22

S19 E11: "Boy's Best Friend"

Joe's uncle has died, leaving him a cherry red classic convertible which he is now polishing feverishly on his driveway. And no. That's not a euphemism. At all.

Download Clip 0169-480 to your PC / Mac  

Peter

What's all this?

Joe

Oh hey, guys. Sadly, my uncle Ray passed away last week but he left me his vintage sports car.

Peter

Joe, that's amazing that your uncle died. But I'm really sorry to hear about the car.

Cleveland

He means it the other way round.

Joe

Uncle Ray also left strict instructions for me to show his car at the Classic Car Show in Providence this weekend.

Peter

Classic Car Show? Isn't that one of those gatherings of a bunch of guys whose penises don't work?

Joe

Correct, eh... anyone with a perfectly restored classic car for sure has a bum weiner.

Clip 23

S19 E11: "Boy's Best Friend"

Brian's date with Holly has gone rather well. They've sung karaoke and imbibed enough alcohol to keep a Russian happy. Now to the small matter of the first kiss...

Download Clip 0169-481 to your PC / Mac  

Brian

Do you mind if I kiss you?

Holly

Actually, I should chew some gum first. I had baloney for dinner.

Brian

Get over here!

[The pair kiss and moments later, BRIAN begins licking HOLLY'S face like... well, like a dog!]

Oh, yeah. That's good kiss baloney!

Clip 24

S19 E11: "Boy's Best Friend"

It's a brief cutaway of Meg advertising her sideline of presenting Familienmensch in Germany. Familienmensch is German for Family Guy. Just so you know.

Download Clip 0169-482 to your PC / Mac  

Meg

Ja, Brian steckt jetzt fest.
(Yeah, Brian is stuck now.)

Wir sind gleich zurück.
(We'll be right back.)

I host Family Guy repeats in Germany.

V/O

German Family Guy is brought to you by rail-thin men in internet pornos going, "ooh-ah, ooh-ah, OOH-AH!"

Clip 25

S19 E11: "Boy's Best Friend"

Peter has taken Joe's convertible for a spin without his knowledge. Cleveland and Quagmire are along for the ride when this happens.

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Quagmire

LOOK OUT!

[PETER loses control, skids and hits a bunch of trash cans on the street]

Cleveland

Oh my God!

Quagmire

Holy crap! Well, thank God all we hit were those trash cans.

Peter

Oh my God. OSCAR!

[PETER runs over to where OSCAR THE GROUCH lays mortally wounded]

Oscar

Urgh! Tell my ex-wife... to go fu*k herself!

Clip 26

S19 E11: "Boy's Best Friend"

Peter, Cleveland and Joe are assessing the damage to Joe's classic car. It doesn't look good. But Peter is ever the optimist.

Download Clip 0169-484 to your PC / Mac  

Quagmire

Damnit, what the hell are we going to do? Joe's gonna be furious.

Peter

Relax, Quagmire. From what I know about car accidents, you can total your car, completely walk away from it and still be Caitlyn Jenner!

Clip 27

S19 E12: "And Then There's Fraud"

Lois has taken Stewie and Chris to the store. Chris enters the shot and dumps multiple bottles of baby lotion into their cart.

Download Clip 0169-485 to your PC / Mac  

Lois

Chris, what's all that lotion for?

Chris

Are you a scientist, mom?

[Inexplicably, a SCIENTIST in a lab coat carrying a clipboard appears]

Scientist

I'm a scientist.

Chris

It's for masturbating.

Clip 28

S19 E12: "And Then There's Fraud"

Quagmire is meeting with his hero, Captain Sully Sullenberger in the Hudson Book Shop at Quahog Airport. He's star-struck.

Download Clip 0169-486 to your PC / Mac  

Quagmire

It is an honour to meet you, Sir. And it was an honour to purchase the actual hat you wore on that fateful day. Y'know, I'm a pilot myself.

Sully

Oh, you are? What's your record for longest uh?

Quagmire

Eleven seconds.

Sully

Let's hear it.

Quagmire

Folks, from the tower, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... they've cleared us to push back, we'll be departing shortly.

Clip 29

S19 E13: "PeTerminator"

There's raucous laughter from inside The Drunken Clam. But what could the boys be laughing about? Well... I wasn't expecting that!

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[PETER, JOE, CLEVELAND and QUAGMIRE are laughing raucously]

Cleveland

And that's how my mom died.

Peter

Classic!

Clip 30

S19 E13: "PeTerminator"

You know the song, Bad to the Bone by George Thorogood & The Destroyers, right? The one from Terminator 2? Well, this is Peter's version. And it's perfect as a ringtone.

Download Clip 0169-488 to your PC / Mac  Download this clip in Apple M4R (ringtone) format

Peter

B-B-B-B-Bird. B-B-B-B-Bird. B-B-B-B-Bird. Bird is the word.

[PETER rides off into the sunset on his Harley-Davidson Fat Boy]

Clip 31

S19 E14: "The Marrying Kind"

Mort and Rachel are getting married in New Orleans. Nice. And when the Rabbi announces that they've written their own vows, even Peter gets excited.

Download Clip 0169-489 to your PC / Mac  

Rabbi

The bride and groom have written their own vows.

Peter

Oh... no!

Clip 32

S19 E14: "The Marrying Kind"

Brian has been sleeping with Stewie's mail-order Ukranian fiancée, Zlata. But he hasn't just been sleeping with her. In fact, the pair haven't done much sleeping at all!

Download Clip 0169-490 to your PC / Mac  

Stewie

You played Doctor with my wife, Bri? You show her yours?

[Smashes BRIAN'S car headlamp with a baseball bat]

She show you hers?

[Smashes BRIAN'S car door]

Those are private parts. We don't touch private parts. Did you kiss butts? Did you, Bri?

Brian

I've kissed butts with a lot of people but... Stewie, I'm sorry. I guess I just got carried away in the moment.

Stewie

Well I'm gettin' a little carried away right now! Do I even need to ask... have you had your Cooties shot?

Brian

Stewie, c'mon -

Stewie

Just answer me, man.

Brian

[Reciting the childhood rhyme and making the actions on his... erm, arm. I guess!]

Circle, circle, dot, dot... now I've got the Cooties shot.

Stewie

You can't get it here! It has to be at school!

Clip 33

S19 E15: "Customer of the Week"

A baby is a captive audience whenever one or other parent decides to go on a rant. If only they could respond. Like Stewie does.

Download Clip 0169-491 to your PC / Mac  

Lois

You know what I think the problem is, Stewie? I need to show them that I deserve to be customer of the week.

Stewie

You don't.

Lois

But they probably see a woman like me and think... she's got it all.

Stewie

They don't.

Lois

I know it's a silly little award but I don't ask for much.

Stewie

You do.

Lois

And this is the one place... the one place that makes me feel happy.

Stewie

You aren't.

Lois

You know, I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I feel like I really vibe with everyone there.

Stewie

You don't.

Lois

I'm one of their best customers. If I stop showing up they'd probably wonder where I went.

Stewie

They wouldn't.

Lois

Because I'm a nice person.

Stewie

You're not.

Lois

I tip in cash.

Stewie

So?

Lois

And I can't think of one reason why they wouldn't pick me.

Stewie

I can.

Lois

Well, thanks for listening, Stewie.

Stewie

I had no choice.

Clip 34

S19 E15: "Customer of the Week"

A "Pooping iPad." Is that a thing? I mean, sure I've been known to scroll Twitter or TikTok on the toilet but to have an iPad exclusively for that purpose? Yuk!

Download Clip 0169-492 to your PC / Mac  

Peter

Lois... have you seen the Pooping iPad? I can only go while watching Tiger King.

Lois

Huh?

Peter

The iPad we use only when pooping and occasionally on flights for Stewie?

Stewie

Ewwww, I play Elmo's ABCs on that. Is that why I keep getting Pinkeye?!

Clip 35

S19 E15: "Customer of the Week"

Oh, God. Oh, God NO! No, no, no. No. Uh-uh.

Download Clip 0169-493 to your PC / Mac  

Chris

You guys wanna play Spin the Bottle for finger stuff? Crank this night up a notch?

Stewie

I'm in!

Clip 36

S19 E16: "Who's Brian Now?"

No. Uh-uh. I mean... this is... unspeakable. What the... Oh, holy sh*tcakes!

Download Clip 0169-494 to your PC / Mac  

Lois

Stop kicking me, Peter! Your toenails are so long... I feel like I'm sleepin' with Monique!

Peter

[Appearing in the bathroom doorway]

I'm over here! I found your vibrator and I was holding my thing up next to it. I thought they should meet each other.

[LOIS throws back the comforter to find CHRIS laying across the bottom of the bed]

Lois

CHRIS! What the hell are you doing?

Chris

Dad told me to sleep in here.

Peter

Sorry, Lois. I just missed having Brian at the foot of the bed. So I... I asked Chris to do it.

Lois

Peter... we had sex twenty minutes ago!

Chris

Actually, it was seventeen minutes ago. Though, neither of you finished so technically it's still going.

Clip 37

S19 E17: "The Young Parent Trap"

If this teacher was doing the introductions to Kindergarten, I think I'd grab my child and leave via the nearest available exit.

Download Clip 0169-495 to your PC / Mac  

Miss Lara

Hi everyone! I'm your childrens' teacher, Miss Lara. And, like pretty much everyone in America right now, I'm very high on legalised edible pot. It's... crazy how much your kids look like you! Wow!

Clip 38

S19 E17: "The Young Parent Trap"

Peter and Lois have moved out, leaving Meg, Chris and Brian to fend for themselves. Which, perhaps, explains why Chris has been... enjoying the food in the fridge.

Download Clip 0169-496 to your PC / Mac  

Meg

What do we have left to eat?

Chris

I'm not gonna say we're out of food but... anything still in the fridge, I have made love to.

[BRIAN enters from the KITCHEN DOOR]

Brian

Man, this Broom Handle Poke Tapioca is delicious.

Meg

Chris had sex with that.

[BRIAN spits his mouthful of Tapioca out all over the carpet]

Chris

Relax! I didn't finish.

Brian

Oh.

[BRIAN begins licking it back up off the carpet]

Clip 39

S19 E19: "Family Cat"

A cat has adopted the Griffin family and made a beeline for Meg's lap, invoking this rather bizarre exchange.

Download Clip 0169-497 to your PC / Mac  

Meg

Oh, hi! If I knew my lap was going to have visitors, I would have changed my rowing underwear!

Stewie

Rowing, huh? What are you... the COX?

Clip 40

S19 E19: "Family Cat"

Welcome, everybody to this year's Talent Show. Principal Shepherd is hosting. With the words "Hot Balls" written on his forehead. Obviously.

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Principal Shepherd

Welcome, everybody, to this year's Talent Show. And to whomever wrote Hot Balls on my forehead while I napped in my car, I will find you. I will find you very soon.

Clip 41

S19 E19: "Family Cat"

The cat has taken to sleeping in Stewie's cot. Which means that sometimes Stewie opens his eyes upon waking to see... this.

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Stewie

[Opens his eyes and screams in horror]

Cat butt! What do I do? Where do I look?! What do I do?

[The CAT lowers its tail to cover the offending orifice]

Oh, thank God! I almost looked right at it.

[Up goes the tail again]

Aargh! I looked right at it. Oh, it looks like a worn-out dart board bullseye. How was Michael Jackson so into this?!

Clip 42

S19 E19: "Family Cat"

Remember me mentioning Brian licking stuff off a carpet earlier? Well, it's not Tapioca this time. It's peanut butter. And it's not strictly a carpet. It's... yeah. Yeah. You've got it.

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Meg

Looks like you were right about cats, Brian. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. You're a good dog.

Brian

No. I haven't been a very good dog to you. But that's gonna change. Starting now, I'm gonna be the best darned dog I can be.

[CUT to INT: LIVING ROOM. Meg enters from the KITCHEN DOOR]

Meg

Me and the peanut butter are heading up. See you in seven minutes.

Brian

[Sighs, resignedly]

Stewie

Chunky's kind of a weird choice, yeah?

Brian

Yep.

Clip 43

S19 E20: "Tales of Former Sports Glory"

Peter, Cleveland, Quagmire and Joe are reminiscing in the Drunken Clam about former glories in the wide world of sport.

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Peter

Wow, Cleveland. I had no idea you played Baseball. Too bad you couldn't hit a home run with The Cleveland Show.

Cleveland

Well, it certainly wasn't a whiff.

Joe

More of a foul-out.

Cleveland

It... was... a... DOUBLE!

Quagmire

You know, you're not the only one who got a taste of sports glory. I had a pretty good run, myself.

Cleveland

Scrawny little guy like you, Quagmire? What did you play?

Quagmire

I was a competitive Tennis player. Some might say... too competitive. But I was the breath of fresh air that the stuffy Tennis world needed. I was born into a real Tennis family. On my first birthday, my mother gave me a little Head.

 

[His mother gave him a miniature Tennis racquet manufactured by Head. I'm not sure WHAT'S going on inside your filthy mind, I really don't but you should get some help!]

Clip 44

S19 E20: "Tales of Former Sports Glory"

Any similarity or likeness to Tatum O'Neal, whether intentional or unintentional, is purely coincidental. Just for the record. They are NOT referring to Tatum O'Neal. Who's married to John McEnroe.

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Quagmire

Despite my on-court temper tantrums, I was on top of the world. And that's when I saw her. Tatum O'Seventies. The hottest actress of the era. She was fresh off her success playing an eleven-year-old in a Little League movie which, for some reason, made her the biggest sex symbol in Hollywood.

Tatum

[Handing QUAGMIRE a can of Tennis balls]

I thought you might need this.

Quagmire

Thanks! I'm Glen.

Tatum

I know. I watched you smash your racquet and scream at a baby.

Quagmire

You know, I you're free after this we could go back to my place and try to fit some balls in your can.

Clip 45

S19 E20: "Tales of Former Sports Glory"

So, Quagmire (who isn't John McEnroe) is practising tantrum sex with Tatum O'Seventies (who's not Tatum O'Neal). Are we clear on that? Good. Let's continue.

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Quagmire

I practised Tantrum Sex, something I'd learned from Sting but... probably misheard.

[Shouting from within the bedroom]

WHAT?! ARE YOU CRAZY?! THAT WAS IN!

We became New York's "It Couple" of the seventies. We hung out at Studio 55. There was no-one there. We could hear a lot of noise coming from next door. I got to meet the greatest athletes of my generation.

Agent

Glen, how would you like to meet Bobby Orr?

Quagmire

Or who?

Agent

Bobby Orr.

Quagmire

Yea, Bobby or who? What's the other choice?

Agent

It's Bobby ORR!

Quagmire

You told me Bobby's the first choice. What's the alternative.

Agent

All right. Forget that. Do you wanna meet Rick Monday?

Quagmire

Well sure, I can do Monday but who is it?

 

[Is it just me or has this script taken a decidedly Abbott & Costello turn?]

Clip 46

S19 E20: "Tales of Former Sports Glory"

Peter is reminiscing about his days as a budget Rocky Balboa who farted every time he took a hit to the stomach.

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Peter

I became known as an up-and-comer with a mean left hook. Who farted every time he got punched in the stomach.

[Sure enough, PETER takes plenty of stomach punches during this bout]

By the second round, the entire front row had Pinkeye.

Clip 47

S19 E20: "Tales of Former Sports Glory"

This clip is pun-tastic. And I'm sure it could have gone on much, much longer. But, fortunately, it didn't. I'm not sure how much more of this I could have tolerated.

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Peter

But I was rising through the ranks and fighting bigger and better opponents. I fought Butterbean and I fought Can't Believe It's Not Butterbean. I could barely tell the difference. I fought Sugar Ray Leonard Nimoy who put a Vulcan nerve pinch on me. The fight was deemed highly illogical. I defeated Lennox Lewis & The News, Evander Sally Field and Roberto Duran Duran. I was supposed to fight George Foreman but I only got George Three Men & A Baby. There's a lot more puns but this episode's only got a few minutes left. So, finally, I got my shot at the title against the world champion, Marvellous Marvin Mrs. Maisel.