30 MP3 Audio clips from Season 20 of Family Guy (1999)

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Lois has just dropped Stewie off at pre-school when she hits something in the road. Something... or someone.

Lois

Oh my God. Please be a dog. Please be a dog.

Doug

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Lois

Oh my God. It's a kid.

Stewie

It's Doug. Nice hit, b**ch! Oh and Elsa underwear. This day just keeps getting better!

Lois has gone blind as a result of botched Lasik surgery. She's recovering in hospital and Peter has questions.

Peter

Doctor Hartman. What does this mean... you know... for me?

Doctor Hartman

Well, whatever your wife did for you, you'll now have to do for yourselves. And until she gets used to her new life, you'll need to take care of her. Feed her, bathe her, drive her places...

Lois

They're gone, aren't they?

Doctor Hartman

They left, yes.

Lois has capitalised on her blindness and has formed I-C-U, a company providing beauty treatments and products. She takes to the stage at a launch junket.

Lois

Thank you all for coming today. I can't see you because I'm blind. But I-C-U.

[The crowd cheer]

Please be sure to try out our new colonic partnership with increasingly irrelevant rapper, Eminem. The Eminenema. It promises to clear out eight miles of mom's spaghetti. It goes in slim clear and comes out slim shady. Thank you, I'm blind!

[The crowd cheer]

Doug's father is a... well, he's a d*ck. Neglectful, uncaring, misogynistic, and generally detestable. Which is why Brian and Chris can't wait to sh*t in his shoes.

Doug's Father

Hey! I got your message about the miscarriage. So... Saturday night?

Brian

What a d*ck! You know what? I'm gonna go poop in his shoes.

Doug

You'd... do that for me?

Brian

Sure I will, buddy.

Chris

Hang on, Brian. I got one in the chamber. I'll join you.

Doug

Thanks, guys.

When a new girlfriend asks if you know what's right around the corner... even if this is the truth, you don't say it. And anyway, what kind of a strip club is this place?!

Carrie

And you know what's right around the corner?

Quagmire

The strip club where they spit in your face?

Carrie

No! The dog park.

Clue (or Cluedo in the UK) is one of my favourite board games. Genuinely. I'm a little hurt that Seth MacFarlane is mocking it like this. But hey, it's still funny.

Peter

Okay. The murderer was don't care, with a this game sucks in the I regret having children.

V/O

Clue. You got someone pregnant nine years ago so now you have to play this.

A seashell that looks a little like female genitalia. I'll let that sink in for a moment. You can picture it, right? But believe me when I say you don't want to put that thing anywhere near your face.

Teacher

Next up for Show 'N Tell... Stewie.

Stewie

Hello, everyone. This is a weird seashell that kind of looks like female genitalia that my Dad likes.

[CUT TO: Griffin Living Room]

Peter

Lois, where's my she-shell?

Lois

Oh, Stewie took it to Show 'N Tell.

Peter

Well, I hope no-one puts it to their ear!

Stewie is such a little dirtbag. I mean, all kids crave attention but not all kids would consider this to be a viable way of getting it.

Stewie

Help me out, man. I need something to win back everyone's attention. Wait! I know. What if I flip my eyelids inside-out? Show everyone what a freak I am. Huh? I could carve this out. Right? This could be my thing.

Brian

I don't think so, Stewie.

Stewie

All right well what if I... just... like... do Doug's mom?

Brian

Uh... yeah... I mean... ya... yeah, I mean... that would... that would pretty much do it.

Stewie

Awesome! How do you dial a phone or have sex or stand up without using your hands?

It must be a slow news day in Quahog because this is literally all Tom Tucker has for his top story.

Tom Tucker

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story... doing laundry and drinking beer. Ahem, I'm sorry... doing laundry and drinking beer? Quahog welcomes Duds 'N Suds, a new laundromat that serves beer. So if you wanna drink and watch your kid's teacher wash his only pair of pants... get on down there.

Who says romance is dead? Well, let's be honest... it's dead and buried when it comes to Quagmire. What a douche!

Quagmire

Morning, beautiful. I had the Uber guy sleep outside so he's ready when you're ready.

What is it with Brussel Sprouts? I mean, I like them (lightly pan fried in garlic butter, they're delicious) but when you're boiling them... they smell like farts.

Peter

Man, something smells good in here. You cookin' Brussel Sprouts?

Bonnie

No. I just farted.

Peter

That checks out!

They are talking about food, right? Because you'd be forgiven for thinking they're talking about Peter's inability to get an erection. Not that they should be talking about that!

Lois

Peter... what's wrong? You don't have an appetite.

Peter

I'm gonna get one. Just give me a minute.

Lois

You've barely touched your dinner.

Peter

Lois, the more you talk about it the more it's gonna be a whole thing. Just let me focus here. Oh, this is better, Bonnie.

Lois

Did you just call me Bonnie?

Peter

No! Good God, no!

Lois

Well, what if I spiced it up for you, Peter? I think I saw a takeout mustard packet in the key drawer.

Peter

That's a waterbed for my army guy.

Meg

What if you spun the plate around, Dad? Tried it from behind?

Peter

Anyway, Lois I think it's a non-starter tonight. I'm just gonna go to the bathroom, look at pictures of barely legal Russian food on my iPad and then go to bed.

Masturbation. Onanism. Shaking hands with the governor of love. Chris is a teenager. It's more than a hobby for him. It's a career. He just needs to do it more often. Apparently.

[GRIFFIN LIVING ROOM: The doorbell rings]

Bonnie

Yoohoo! Anyone home?

Lois

I'll get it.

Peter

No, I got it!

Chris

Oh, they sure do grow up fast, don't they?

Lois

Chris, have you masturbated today?

Chris

No, ma'am.

Lois

Well get up there! And don't come back until -

Chris

What's for dinner?

A pitching machine. The perfect way to perfect your swing. Or turn your car into a silly tank.

Lois

What the hell?

[She gets out of the car to find PETER tying a pitching machine to the roof rack]

Peter, what the hell is that?

Peter

It's my new pitching machine, Lois. And look... it can turn our car into a silly tank. Watch me nail Cleveland.

[PETER is hit in the balls with a baseball]

Cleveland

I got one too, b**ch!

Ass, gas or grass. If you're a hitchhiker, you'll have heard that before. But not from your own father, surely?

Lois

Daddy, I'm coming with you.

Carter

Fine. Ass, gas or grass. No-one rides free.

Lois

I... guess gas?

Carter

That's what all the prudes say.

If you teach pre-school, there are some things you shouldn't say aloud. Inner voice would be better for this kind of thing. You know what I'm saying?

Teacher

Children, please continue independent play while I go see if I just sneezed my tampon out.

I wish I had said this to a teacher. I never had the guts. Stewie, however... he says what he likes and he likes what he says.

Teacher

Well, Stewie... you've completed your detention. What have you learned from this experience?

Stewie

That your mother's a whore?

Ah, euphemisms. Family Guy couldn't exist without them.

Cardinal Saint Lewis

Greetings, my son. Cardinal Saint Lewis. Likely bad guy.

Mac

Mac Bookpro. Sorry to bother you about a case, Padre. You wanna talk here or should I come inside your rectory?

Cardinal Saint Lewis

Okay, Groucho. Calm down.

Farting in a confessional. If you're Catholic, that's got to be a sin, right?

Mac Bookpro

Hello, Padre. Funny I'd find you hear in the church bathroom.

Cardinal Saint Lewis

This is the confessional.

Mac Bookpro

Well, then I have something to confess.

Cardinal Saint Lewis

[Sniffs the air]

Oh! Mother of Mercy. How much mutton do you eat?!

I never heard this particular line from a Doctor Seuss book. Probably because it doesn't exist. And if it does, you need to burn that book before your child reads it.

Brian

[Crying]

V/O

And what happened then? Well, in prison they say, Brian's anus grew three sizes that day.

Oh, that Quagmire. I mean, how does he connect wearing a c*ck ring with what Lois is suggesting? Oh, right. Because he's Quagmire. Yep. Got it now.

Lois

Hey, Glen I have this class reunion coming up soon and I thought maybe it'd be fun if... I don't know... you know, maybe the two of us went together?

Quagmire

What about Peter?

Lois

Hey, here's a fun thought. What if you go and pretend to be my husband?

Quagmire

Well, I'm not used to wearing rings above the waist but... what the hell... I'll try anything once!

Peter was forbidden to order pizza. He did it anyway. And the delivery guy died on his toilet. So he and Meg are completing his deliveries with Meg wearing the dead guy like a suit.

Meg

Phew! That was close. I'm glad to be done delivering to places that are too risky to walk a dead body into. What's next?

Peter

The Cadaver Dog Training Facility.

Meg

[Shudders]

It's the comical shudder that Meg does when wearing a dead guy as a suit. Perfect for a message tone for someone you really don't like very much!

Meg

[Shudders]

Let's try to forget that Stewie is a baby and Rupert is his teddy bear, shall we? Because unless you forget those two facts, this sound clip is really going to screw with your head.

Stewie

Rupert? RUPERT! NO!

Brian

How did he sink so fast?

Stewie

He might... have... have, er... a string of metal balls... uh, hidden within?

Brian

What?

Stewie

We've been together a long time, Brian. We have to do things to keep it fresh.

Bill Belichick is the General Manager of the New England Patriots. And he has arguably the world's most boring delivery style. I mean, you could use him to cure insomnia. Permanently.

Meg

This is a bigger mistake than the Bill Belichick Christmas Album.

Bill Belichick

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, had some real explosive plays. And if we saw his own defence, we knew that it was going to give us the best ability to get the ball down the field and we understood our opponents might have some difficulty with that.

Netflix. Watch a series and after a while, it'll ask whether you're still watching. I mean, WHY?! What else does it think I'm doing? But, in fairness, it's never asked me if I'm still alive. Yet.

Lois

Well, I have the whole day. I guess I can watch The Office for so long that Netflix has to ask if I'm still alive.

Food. I love it. Especially Mexican food. But I've never... arrived at the thought of food. And if that ever happens, you have my permission to shoot me.

Alana

Let me get started on dinner. I was thinking... tacos and nachos.

Lois

Well, it sounds good to me. What do you think, Peter?

Peter

I just arrived in my pants.

Scissoring. Pegging. If you're thinking these words refer solely to lesbian activities, then you'd be wrong. Or right. I'm not sure any more. Because this is Family Guy and all bets are off.

Lois

I'm glad you guys are all enjoying Alana so much.

Meg

Oh, she's the best. In fact, Alana and I stayed up all night scissoring.

[CUT TO: Meg's Bedroom. MEG and ALANA are cutting snowflakes out of paper with scissors]

Alana

Wow, Meg, you're really good at this.

Meg

Yeah, I had an older babysitter who kind of showed me how. Hey! Maybe after this, we can get out the Cribbage board and work on our pegging?

Mayor Wild West

I'm Mayor Wild West and my neighbour's kid had to explain this to me. Guess this week is church on Sunday and Wednesday!

They're saying "caulk". Okay? CAULK. It's a decorator's filler. And no. That's not a euphemism. Oh, what's the point? You hear what you want to hear, okay?

Jamie

I'm Jamie, the handyman. I heard you had a hole that needed to be filled.

Lois

[Laughs]

Oh, yes! Is that a big job?

Jamie

Nothing my caulk can't handle.

Lois

So you just... fill the hole with your caulk?

Jamie

Yes. It's very thick. And it stays hard forever.

Oh...my... God. A "Spank Bank?" Women have those, too? Who knew?! And Lois doesn't need much to make a deposit. God, that sounds wrong. I'm so sorry.

Lois

Look, your dad's away and it's time to load up my spank bank. All I need is one hug with a lower back brush and a sniff of the neck and I'm good for six years.