65 MP3 Audio clips from Season 21 of Family Guy (1999)

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Family Guy is doing The Silence of the Lambs which means, predictably, that Lois is playing Clarice Starling... out for a run in the forests surrounding Quantico.

Clarice Starling

[Sighs]

What a beautiful day to not get bodily fluids thrown in your face and hair.

Who better to play Doctor Hannibal Lecter than Stewie? I mean, he's inexplicably British, evil and highly offensive. It's perfect casting.

Doctor Hannibal Lecter

Don't test me, Starling. A census-taker did that once and I ate his liver with dry Cheerios and a mashed-up banana.

[Does that revolting thing with his mouth]

American Beauty. Lester Burnham was played by Kevin Spacey (wow... that was prophetic, right?) and here he's played by Peter Griffin. We start in the shower. Of course.

Lester Burnham

My name is... whatever Kevin Spacey's name was in this movie. I bet you think behind that door is a happy, all-American family. Nope. Just me in the shower with Johnson & Johnson and Johnson. There were some tears.

Colonel Frank Fitts, here played by Joe Swanson instead of Chris Cooper, has seen what he believes is his son fellating Lester Burnham. His reaction is... weird.

Colonel Frank Fitts

Hey, you know how there's two things we know for sure? We'll always be able to bring box-cutters on planes and I'm heterosexual.

Lester Burnham

Yeah, of course.

Colonel Frank Fitts

Well, it turns out only one of those things is true.

[FRANK suddenly embraces and passionately kisses LESTER]

Lester Burnham

Look, I think I gave you the wrong idea with these pink weights and pantomiming oral with your son. I'm straight.

American Beauty continues. Peter Griffin (Lester Burnham) is joined by Angela Hayes. Things are about to get awkward.

Lester Burnham

Oh, hey... what are you doing here?

Angela Hayes

I have a flight tomorrow and Jane said I could borrow your box-cutter.

Lester Burnham

Yeah, I love cutting boxes on planes.

Angela Hayes

And also... and this is kind of embarrassing and un-earned but... I think you're sexy and I wanna have sex with you.

Lester Burnham

Ah, sweet! Let's do this.

Angela Hayes

I should let you know... I'm a virgin.

Lester Burnham

Not a deal breaker.

Chris Hansen

And I should let you know, I'm Chris Hansen from To Catch a Predator.

Lester Burnham

Ah, crap! Somebody shoot me.

[COLONEL FRANK FITTS duly obliges]

Cleveland and Donna like to have a weekly family fun day. But what Cleveland has planned for later couldn't be further from family-friendly. He wants bum-fun!

Donna

Today's our family fun day.

Cleveland

That's right. A whole day dedicated to family and fun. Ending in the bedroom with what I hope will be some back-end participation. Hmm?

Donna

Uh-uh.

Cleveland

Hmm.

The Griffins in a hot air balloon. I won't bore you with how this came to be. Just accept that it did and that their pilot is seriously unhinged!

Lois

So how did you get into hot air ballooning?

Pilot

They don't do background checks.

Lois

Oh. What are we flying over now?

Pilot

My ex-wife's house. If you have any garbage or little bags of cat poo, you can drop them now. Did you know restraining orders only go side-to-side. They don't go up and down.

MILF. It's an acronym for "Mom I'd Like to F**k" and, in the context of porn, it's usually an older woman getting railed by someone young enough to be her son. Just so you know.

Peter

You know, I think we're trying too hard. When I was a kid, we did movie nights and it was the holy grail of family fun.

Brian

I'd watch a movie.

Chris

I've watch a porn movie.

Peter

No. A family movie.

Chris

I'd watch a MILF porn movie.

Peter

Okay, technically that's accurate but no porn!

The Griffins are making it a Blockbuster Night™ (although I'm not sure it's possible to still do that since the company went down the toilet).

Peter

So it's settled. The Griffins are making it a Blockbuster night.

Stewie (to Brian)

When we get there, I'll give you twenty bucks to say, "I've heard Magic Mike is good."

Sweet Caroline. It's a karaoke favourite and a song all of the Griffins love to sing along to. But not this time. This time there's big trouble afoot.

Neil Diamond

♪
Touching me.
Touching you.

Lois

Oh, here it comes. All together now...

[PETER suddenly gets into the car and switches off the stereo]

Peter

Drive, Lois. DRIVE!

Stewie

Nothin' worse than a case of Neil Diamond blue-balls. Am I right?

We've all seen those charity appeals on TV, right? Well, this one is a little different. But the beneficiaries are no less deserving. Poor sods. Imagine working for Ellen DeGeneres!

Sarah McLachlan

I'm Sarah McLachlan. And for just one dollar a day, you can help save one of these abused and terrified grips from the Ellen DeGeneres Show. Whether it's a teamster sobbing in his car after work or a camera operator having a sandwich slapped out of his hand just for making eye contact, they need your help. So please... give today. Because no-one should have to spend Thanksgiving watching a millionaire trying on sweaters.

Even without context, this clip is dynamite. But to give some context, Lois has inadvertently restored Joe's libido when he walked in on her, naked in the bathroom.

Lois

Wow... look at me. Making a difference for those in need.

Checkout Girl

Would you like to add a dollar to your bill to fight cancer?

Lois

No. I gave a disabled guy an erection.

[Those in the queue clap]

Lois is trying to make something happen in the bedroom. She's barely dressed and what she's wearing is see-through. But Peter is immune to such seductions.

Lois

Let's talk about how steamy it's gettin' in here.

Peter

Ah, that would be a Bertucci's burp cloud with a Mr. Pibb fart cloud chaser. Hence the need for wet ones.

Lois

[Sighs]

What is it with Family Guy's obsession with lampooning Doctor Seuss books? Lampooning. Almost sounds like a Doctor Seuss word, doesn't it?!

Narrator

For most of the night, Peter gooshed on her flumpkus. She crunkled his wanz-it. He boobled her bumpkus. The bangle-bong lasted till first break of day. Six times that night she screamed, "Zazu-ki-zay!"

His & Hers. It's a place for couples. But not you. Or me. No. The kind of couples that go to a His & Hers... sheesh! You'll see what I mean, folks.

Lois

What a lightning bolt to the balls for a couple of schmoes like us, huh?

Peter

I know. I can't believe Quahog finally got a His & Hers. Check it out. I can drink beer, watch sports and play Pop-A-Shot right here at the table.

Lois

And I can drink wine and scroll through Bonnie's Facebook, secretly enjoying that she has an ugly baby.

[Sighs]

Look at that thing's eyes. You know, maybe one glass a night wasn't fine.

Date night has gone well. Peter and Lois have plans to extend the romance once they get home. They're going to do it. They're going to make the beast with two backs. In the living room, no less.

Peter

When we get home, let's do it so loud the kids wake up.

Lois

Yeah, let's do it on the couch where we all gather as a family and watch television.

Narrator

Family Guy is brought to you by Parent Sex. Parent Sex. It happens in rooms that you hang out in and watch TV. Maybe even right there where you're sitting now. Pretty gross, right?

Peter and the gang decide to produce a risqué calendar to raise money to pay for Jerome's surgery. Peter is photographing Cleveland in his garage when this happens. Yikes.

[PETER takes a photograph of CLEVELAND posing in his US Post Office uniform]

Peter

Ah, you're a natural. You're like Gisele, Beyoncé, and Naomi Campbell all in one. You're Gisonmi. Yeah, that's it Gisonmi. Gisonmi, yeah. Gisonmi.

Quagmire

Hey, guys. I'm just gonna go ahead and close this. Okay?

[The garage door begins to close]

I'm gettin' my house assessed.

What did Pauly Shore do to deserve this? I mean, sure (no pun intended) he's not been seen on the big (or even small) screen for some time now, but... this sounds a little cruel even by my standards.

Peter

Oh, and there's my boss. Even better. Hey, Preston. What's with the hat?

Preston Lloyd

This is my Halloween costume. I'm dressed as 1990s comedian Paul Shore.

Peter

Uh, you mean Pauly Shore?

Preston Lloyd

Perhaps in less formal circumstances. You may recall he borrowed heavily from surf culture with phrases such as, "Hey, Buddy." and "Grindage."

Peter

I don't think this costume is working.

Stewie

Neither is Pauly Shore!

The Holomaker 9000. It produces a hard-light hologram of yourself capable of interacting with the world on your behalf. Oh and taking care of those chores you hate. I'm going on Amazon!

Holomaker 9000

Thank you for choosing the Holomaker 9000. Please input personal characteristics.

Peter

Do they have to be true?

Holomaker 9000

I have no way of knowing what is true and what is not. Such is life in the post-Donald-Trump era.

Peter

Ugh, leave the satire to Garrison Keillor. Okay. Time for some statements about myself that are definitely not lies. Let's see... I'm a black belt in Karate, I can cook an eight-course French meal, I always enter cars through the window 'cos doors ain't the boss of me, and I'm great at remembering names. Just ask my friends, Joel, Clemson and QuickTime.

If you're a keen gardener, you're said to have green fingers. If you buy cheap toilet tissue or can't wipe yourself properly, you might be said to have a brown thumb!

Chris

I can garden, too. 'Cause I have a brown thumb.

Hologram Peter

That's more of a wiping issue, son. But I'm glad you're here.

Funny how women notice the small things. Like her husband, who habitually holds her under the covers and farts, not knowing what a Dutch Oven is.

Lois

Cream number ninety-nine... and cream one-hundred. Okay, I'm ready for bed. Well, we had meatloaf tonight so I guess I'm in for a Dutch Oven.

Hologram Peter

What's a Dutch Oven?

[LOIS realises that PETER is not the real PETER

Mr. Andy. Somehow he's still holding down a job at the local kindergarten despite allegations of some fairly nefarious activity.

Mr. Andy

Hey, kids. I'm Mr. Andy and I just invented this really crazy game. One person hides in a top secret spot, and the others count to ten, then try and find him. We'll call it, oh I don't know... Hide and Seek?

Stewie

I say, one game covering covert activity, surveillance and counting? I would follow this man into the very bowels of Hell.

Mr. Andy

All right. Who wants to hide first?

Stewie

Ooh, me, me!

Mr. Andy

Looks like we have our first little hider.

Stewie

I'm so glad they didn't fire you for giving us baths.

This clip gets very dark, very quickly. I always knew there was something wrong with Quagmire and then he went and let the cat out of the bag to Stewie. I think I understand now.

Quagmire

You know, I envy you, Stewie. I used to be innocent like you.

Stewie

I've killed people.

Quagmire

Then I lost my virginity at six to our strangely female plumber.

Stewie

Respect!

Peter needs to lose weight. He's willing to try anything. Except three perfectly sensible and plausible suggestions made by the family physician. Exercise? Vegan diet? Quitting drinking? Fu*k that!

Lois

Peter needs to lose weight and we were hoping you could help us.

Doctor Hartman

Sure, there are a few options we could try. You can increase your exercise.

Peter

Pass.

Doctor Hartman

Switch to a vegan diet.

Peter

I'd rather die.

Doctor Hartman

Or quit drinking.

Peter

[His expletive is bleeped out]

How about a clip of Stewie performing his unique version of Boombastic by Shaggy? This was just for his TikTok audience but I'm sure he wouldn't mind us providing it with some additional exposure.

Stewie

♪
Mr. Lover Lover, mmm.
Mr. Lover Lover, mmm.
She call me Mr. Boombastic,
Tell me fantastic,
Touch me on my back, she says I'm Mr. Ro, Ro...
...mantic, call me fantastic,
touch me on my back she say's I'm Mr. Ro...
Smooth just like a silk-a...

Stewie and Rupert (his faithful teddy bear) are taking to a restorative mountain retreat to unplug for a while. Which is odd in itself but what's even odder... We'll let you figure it out.

Stewie

Rupert and I have decided to lay low for a while.

Brian

Where are you gonna go?

Stewie

We're going to a restorative meditation retreat in the mountains. We will be unplugging our minds and our bodies. Yes, Rupert. There will still be one thing getting plugged.

[Laughs]

Brian

Oh, gosh!

Stewie

I know. This guy is twisted.

You've got to laugh at this. I mean, even diehard Ed Sheeran fans should laugh at this. The guy has a great voice but... well, he's no oil painting. Am I right? No? Don't hate me.

Security Guard

You can't go through here. It's only for people who work for Miss Ryan.

Stewie

You have to let me through. I'm Ed Sheeran.

Security Guard

You're not Ed Sheeran. You're a weird looking baby with an English accent.

[Gasps]

Oh my God! Right this way, Mr. Sheeran.

Boston Dynamics Dad is a robot which takes the place of Peter for any form of physical activity. Including, it seems, horizontal jogging with Lois in the bedroom.

Chris

I'm glad we worked everything out, Dad. What do you say we try to have that catch again?

Peter

I would love to, Chris.

[PETER gets up but is panting and collapsing before he gets to the front door]

Better call in Boston Dynamics Dad again.

Chris

He's upstairs with mom. He's upstairs with her a lot.

Peter

I guess that's the future.

[Laughs]

Chris

Can you stop laughing? A robot is railing my mom!

Romance. It can blind-side you. Take Brian for example... he's convinced life on the road with Amber will be romantic. But Stewie is much more practical when it comes to matters of the heart.

Brian

Okay, I've figured out what I've gotta do. I need to get back together with Amber.

Stewie

What? But I thought you were just about to break up with her? Brian, are you sure this isn't just your wounded ego talking?

Brian

No! What? No. I can really see us together. There's something romantic about her style of life on the road.

Stewie

Oh, really? What's the romantic part? Taking a whore-bath in a Taco Bell restroom or peeing in a Gatorade bottle that you leave near a payphone?

Amber. Her parents were probably related before they got married. Her daddy tells her she's the best at kissing and she's paddling in the shallow end of the gene pool. You catch my drift?

Brian

Amber, if you think for one second -

Amber

Oh my gosh, Uncle Earl. You've gotta meet my new boyfriend, Brian.

Uncle Earl

Good to meet you, Brian. But don't you break her heart, you hear? Last guy who treated her wrong had his scrotum nail-clippered off, then got kicked to death behind a Chick-fil-A.

Brian

I assure you, my intentions are strictly honourable.

Uncle Earl

Okay then. I'm just telling you this as her uncle and her ex-boyfriend.

Ever had your feet measured in a shoe shop and still ended up with footwear too tight or too large for your feet? It happens. I'm not sure why or HOW but it does happen.

Stewie

Please, Brian. I need this. I need this the way a shoe salesman needs that foot measuring device.

[Cut to INT: Shoe Shop

Shoe Salesman

I can say with absolute, scientific certainty that you're a ten-and-a-half. Now, let me get you some shoes that still may or may not fit.

If you could SEE this clip rather than just hear it, you'd be relieved to hear that they're actually referring to TENNIS BALLS. Not testicles. Which I think makes this a shade better.

Stewie

Brian, you're a loyal dog and you've got a belly-rub coming. Maybe something a little more. But first, we've got to find dirt on Doug. All right, there's his campaign headquarters. You stand look-out and I'll sneak inside looking for dirt. Stay focussed. Don't lick your balls.

Brian

God. I wasn't going to lick my balls.

Only Quagmire! To finish that sentence, only Quagmire could forget the one true love of his life by distracting himself with PornHub on his phone. I mean, not exactly a substitute for that, is it?!

Quagmire

I was devastated. Helen was my first true love. The only woman I ever wanted. And she had moved on without me. Fortunately, five years later, they invented portable pornography on telephones and I've literally never thought about her since.

In this parody of Dirty Dancing, Meg is playing Frances Houseman and Joe Swanson is playing Johhny Castle. It's that seminal lake scene as you've never heard it before.

Frances Houseman

Wow. I guess I'm just really bad at you holding me over your head while I do nothing.

Johnny Castle

Ha! Keep practising. You'll get there.

Frances Houseman

Anyway, I like how you always seem to drop me into the one warm spot in this whole cold lake.

Johnny Castle

Yeah, and I, uh... I like how you're at least eighteen years-old.

Frances Houseman

Actually, I'm s -

Johnny Castle

I LIKE HOW YOU'RE AT LEAST EIGHTEEN YEARS-OLD!

Johnny Castle (V/O)

Her nickname was "Baby," which means over eighteen years-old.

Um. Okay. Not sure... I mean... yeah. Peter always "wanted to marry a woman who looks like the Full House baby." Where do you go with that? The police, presumably.

Peter

[Gasps]

You know how I always wanted to marry a woman who looks like the Full House baby? Well, this was her. Meg Ryan. Schwing!

Chris Brown. Remember back in 2016 when he was arrested for assault with a deadly weapon? Well, his defence didn't work for him. And it probably won't work for Old West, either.

Mayor West

What kind of a man shoots another man when he's not looking? You ambushed me.

Old West

A real man is always ready for an ambush. Besides, I shot you in a limb. That's how cowboys show affection.

Quagmire

The Chris Brown defence. Not great!

I reckon it's true. You watch any Western and the script calls for an abundance of the word "reckon" in all it's derivatives. That's what I reckon, anyway.

Old West

And I reckon you're pretty happy with yourself, getting your father arrested like this.

Mayor West

I reckon you have no right to reckon about what I'm reckoning about.

Old West

That's where you're wrong. I reckon I can reckon about what I reckon please.

Mayor West

I reckon you should check yourself before you reckon yourself.

Old West

I reckon you know I always come in like a reckon ball.

Mayor West

That Miley?

Old West

I reckon it is.

Mayor West

I don't agree with all the piercings and the haircuts but she's got one hell of a voice.

Old West

One hell of a voice.

Having broken her ankle, Lois is trapped in the bedroom, reliant on family for everything. She has a hand-bell to summon assistance. And this time it's a fly she needs help with.

[LOIS rings her hand-bell and CHRIS appears]

Chris

Need help, mom?

Lois

Can you get rid of this fly? There's a swatter in the top drawer of the dresser.

[CHRIS opens the top drawer of the dresser]

Chris

Okay, that drawer is full of sex toys.

Lois

Oh. Well, we must have moved the fly swatter. Uh, try the middle drawer.

[CHRIS opens the middle drawer of the dresser]

Chris

Is this a bet? Because this drawer is also filled to the brim with sex toys.

Lois

Sorry. Uh, look in the bottom drawer.

[CHRIS opens the bottom drawer of the dresser]

Chris

WRONG AGAIN!

[CHRIS starts to cry]

Golf. I've always been suspicious of it. I mean, what fun can there be in chasing a small white ball around a five mile-long course? Unless, of course, it's a ruse...

Peter

I guess lying about having a dead wife to eat popcorn wasn't the best idea.

Cleveland

That's a nice story, Peter. Did anyone else break any sacraments this week?

Quagmire

Well, there's two things you could do from here. Break it off or go full scum-bag. If you're interested in going scum-bag, I sell a starter kit. It includes a second phone, fake addresses and some golf shirts.

Peter

I don't golf.

Quagmire

Nobody does. Golf was invented purely so husbands can cheat on their wives. A six hour game in a completely different town where you need special shirts? I mean, I don't think so!

Principal Shepherd. If you've ever wondered why he was divorced, this might shed some light on things.

Principal Shepherd

Meg, what you did back there... boxing out those students was quite impressive.

Meg

Really?

Principal Shepherd

Have you ever considered trying out for the girls' basketball team? I've just taken the job as Head Coach in an attempt to build character for my up-coming divorce hearing.

Meg

I thought you were already divorced?

Principal Shepherd

I was. I'm getting divorced again. Turns out the first b**ch might have been right but my misogyny.

When Peter has good news to impart to his co-workers, for some reason he favours using the public address system at the brewery. And he has TWO things to impart today.

Peter

My daughter made the basketball team.

Workers

[Cheer]

Peter

And I heard a lady fart while she was pumping gas this morning.

Workers

[Cheer]

Peter

A lot. A lot to celebrate today.

Meg plays basketball better when Peter insults her. Peter insulting her makes her angry. When she's angry, she plays like professional. But then, Peter loses his voice which could spell disaster.

Quagmire

I can't believe Peter's lost his voice. How's he going to insult Meg now?

Lois

Well, I don't know if it's gonna work but he brought a white board.

Quagmire

Meg's got the ball. Peter, quick... write something mean.

[PETER begins writing on the white board]

"You're doing to this game what R. Kelly did to all th -" Yeah, no. No, I'm not saying the rest of that.

Bruce is a giver. And you can take that in any way you want to. Which, funnily enough, is what Bruce says to people all the time. Ahem. Sorry about that.

Bruce

Hello, hello! Welcome to Our Lady of the Immaculate Anus.

Carter Pewterschmidt

I think that word is, "Agnus."

Bruce

Oh no! That's the only reason I volunteered here.

Andrew Cuomo. I didn't know who he was so I looked him up. Jesus. I need to delete that search from my Google history pronto. What a scum-bag!

Carter Pewterschmidt

Okay, let's get a picture so I can get out of here.

Tatum

I bet you're only here because you did something bad and think a photo with an orphan will fix it.

Carter Pewterschmidt

Well, duh!

Tatum

Then, if you want a photo, you have to buy me candy.

Carter Pewterschmidt

I'm not buying you candy. Go to hell!

Tatum

There's plenty of other CEOs who will. And Andrew Cuomo.

Andrew Cuomo

Who wants to see my nipple rings?

[Turning to a little girl riding a tricycle]

Now bring that face over here for an unwanted smooch.

Carter Pewterschmidt is a changed man. He's adopted little Tatum, an orphan from Our Lady of the Immaculate Agnus. And he's allowing her to paint his toenails.

Barbara Pewterschmidt

Welcome, everyone.

Lois

Oh, mother... I came as soon as I heard. Now, where is the little girl? Is she okay?

Barbara Pewterschmidt

Oh, she's fine. She and Carter are painting each other's nails.

Lois

What?! He never did that with me.

Tatum

Your nails are already yellow.

Carter Pewterschmidt

Yeah, the toes are the first to die. Just add some blue. It'll make it a nice green.

Tatum

We're out of blue.

Carter Pewterschmidt

Well, then just slap some googly eyes on 'em and we've got ten little Minions. I like Minions. Not sexually. I realise bringing that up suggests otherwise.

Is there a limit to how low Family Guy will stoop for a joke? I hope not. Because this is genuinely pee-your-pants funny. Harry Potter calling Hermione to warn her that he has an STD. Classic.

Continuity Announcer

We now return to Harry Potter and the Phone Call of Awkwardness.

Harry Potter

Yeah, Hermione? Hey, it's me. Harry. Uh, remember that time I, um... I caught your snitch? Yeah, well... you may want to have your chamber of secrets checked because, um... it's possible I may have given you Hogwarts.

It's all about farts, right? Bodily functions constitute at least 30% of the jokes in Family Guy. It's part of the reason I love the show so much, to be honest.

Carter Pewterschmidt

Care to dance?

Tatum

Sure.

[TATUM stands on CARTER'S feet and they begin to waltz]

Carter Pewterschmidt

Boy, you're a great dancer.

Lois

Mind if I cut in?

Carter Pewterschmidt

Mind if I cut one?

[CARTER farts loudly]

Yeah, too late. All right, I've gotta go take a not-wetting-the-hair shower.

I wondered how long it would be before Family Guy parodied Will Smith's physical outburst during the 94th Academy Award ceremony. And it was less than a year. Well done, guys!

Carter Pewterschmidt

Listen up! Everyone in the van. We're taking Tatum to the zoo.

Lois

The ZOO?!

Peter

The zoo? Why... why, are we returning Chris?

[PETER exits the room to tell his children the news]

Hey, Meg. Did you hear we're going to the zoo? Why, are we returning Chris? Hey, Chris. We're going to the zoo. What, are we returning Ch -

[We hear CHRIS slap PETER in the face]

Chris

KEEP MY NAME OUT YOUR FU*KING MOUTH!

Peter

Wow, dude. It was a zoo joke.

Chris

KEEP MY NAME OUT YOUR FU*KING MOUTH!

Tom Tucker is always there to bring Quahog an exclusive news story. Even if it is a zoo keeper having his face ripped off by a gorilla who wears it like a mask in Silence of the Lambs.

Tom Tucker

Good afternoon. I'm Tom Tucker, live on the scene at Newport Zoo where a young girl has fallen into the gorilla pit. The zoo wrangler, or a man in khaki shorts I can only assume is an expert, is now being lowered into the pit to rescue the child...

[We hear a violent animal attack]

... and is now being ripped limb from limb. Oh, hang on... he appears to be okay and is now exiting the pit. Nope, correction... that's just his face. A gorilla has ripped it off and is wearing it. And is now walking out of the park.

Stewie. He's a no-nonsense baby. He tells it like it is. So when he wanders into the kitchen in the middle of the night, he has a reason for his insomnia loaded and ready to fire.

Brian Griffin

Stewie? What are you doing up?

Stewie Griffin

Lois had three lattes and a bottle of wine today, so her breast milk was basically a speedball.

Peter. Oh, Peter. Peter, Peter, Peter. I mean, this would be inappropriate at any time but when Stella has taken bereavement leave? Holy crap!

Preston

Stella will be gone for six weeks. She's taking a bereavement leave.

Peter Griffin

Her husband died? Okay, Peter, you got six weeks to lose a hundred pounds, and get divorced. Let's do this.

Context is important. Without it, things can come across very differently to how you might have intended. And this is a text-book example. Take it away, Brian.

Brian Griffin

[Clears his throat before starting to read]

"My mother was a huge b**ch, and I lost my virginity at six months-old. Oh, I'm sorry, I should have told you first, I'm a dog."

Stewie is arguably the king of the double entendre. And this conversation proves it. But is the double entendre in what he says or in the ear of the beholder? His dirty mind or YOURS?!

Brian Griffin

Just admit you got rid of my book.

Stewie Griffin

Brian, not only did I not give away your book, I'm launching an investigation and I'm gonna nail the guy who did it.

Brian Griffin

Uh-huh.

Stewie Griffin

And maybe it's more than one guy. Maybe it's a ring. A deep ring I can only penetrate by nailing a bunch of guys.

Brian Griffin

Wait, are you still talking about my book?

Stewie Griffin

Oh, yeah. Maybe it's too many guys for me and I have to bring in a private d*ck. Close the door on your way out, Brian. I need privacy to think about d*cks for hire.

Try to ignore the fact that for this joke to work, a court stenographer had to be in the Griffins' living room. I know, it's a stretch but hey... it's a cartoon. Anything is possible.

Lois Griffin

Peter, if you don't get rid of that bird, I'm calling Animal Control.

Peter Griffin

You do that, and I'll make you pay.

Lois Griffin

How?

Peter Griffin

You ever hear of revenge porn, Lois?

Lois Griffin

Peter, if you did that, then everyone would see your penis.

Peter Griffin

I retract my threat. Please strike it from the record.

Court Stenographer

I'll strike it if I can find it. You have any tweezers?

Peter Griffin

No, I don't have any - oh, ha-ha-ha!

What is a "sit-in-a-chair-and-watch-guy"? Is that a thing? I mean, could I reach the age where I have to sit and watch another man... oh for the love of God, NO!

Lois Griffin

You know, it's this house. Sometimes all a family needs is a change of scenery to strengthen their bond.

Peter Griffin

Yeah, that or a threesome, yeah.

Lois Griffin

Oh. You can't even make it through a twosome or a onesome. You are very close to being a sit-in-a-chair-and-watch guy.

Peter Griffin

My cardiologist said the same thing.

Lois has taken a bottle of shampoo from an Airbnb and has been banned as a result. She doesn't think it was that big a deal. A bit like Peter's penis, apparently.

Lois Griffin

I am not wrong here, okay? We paid a lot of money for that house, and taking the ass-end of a shampoo bottle barely makes a dent into their haul.

Peter Griffin

There, definitive proof that your mother always describes big things as being smaller than they are. Did you hear that, Chris?

Chris Griffin

We've all seen it, Dad.

Peter Griffin

Aw.

Cosmetology Schul. It's where people go to learn how to become beauticians, make-up artists and the like. So you can bet your ass it'll get ridiculed on Family Guy!

Brian Griffin

Wow, Stewie, this is actually pretty good.

Stewie Griffin

At cosmetology school, I was the only one who came back after lunch.

Ad Announcer

Cosmetology Schul: we spell "school" with a "U" for legal reasons.

Principal Shepherd and his cohorts have been out drinking. Keen to keep the party going, they arrive at the Pawtucket Brewery where Peter is now the night watchman.

Principal Shepherd

Are you sure you can't let us in? I'll show you a picture of a naked student.

[PRINCIPAL SHEPHERD shows PETER a photograph on his phone]

Peter Griffin

That's my son!

Principal Shepherd

Oh, well, I have others.

[PRINCIPAL SHEPHERD starts swiping through his camera roll]

No, that's him again. Nope, well, that's also him. Okay, these are all Chris.

Brian has been disguised as a missing dog to claim the reward. But, instead, he's caged by an evil YouTuber who plans to kill him on camera. Yikes!

YouTuber

Enjoy your last couple of days alive.

Brian Griffin

Last couple days alive? Wait, no, no. This is a mix-up. Oh, God. Coming here was a mistake. Like buying that German plunger.

[CUT TO: BRIAN plunging a toilet with a plunger]

Plunger

Ah, das gut! Ja! Ja! Ja! I am vurthless! I am vurthless rubber boy! Punish me now!

Wait... what?! Peter's gym teacher drove him home without his pants on? I mean that's GOT to be worse than anything Lois could have gone through in junior high, right?!

Lois Griffin

Stephanie never even apologised, and junior high trauma is something you don't recover from.

Peter Griffin

Yeah, my gym teacher drove me home without his pants on, but your story sounds bad, too.

Messaging Zendaya. Hmm. I mean, it's all about timing, right? I mean... now it's not a problem but in her Disney days? Nope. Brian's going to jail for that one!

Brian Griffin

Stewie, I need to get my account back. I... I may have sent some weird DMs to Zendaya that I'd rather not see the light of day.

Stewie Griffin

Euphoria Zendaya or Disney Zendaya?

Brian Griffin

Yeah, little from column A, little from column B.

Stewie Griffin

We need to get that account back.

Pornhub. Does it really have civil discourse in the comments section? Is there even a comments section? And, if so, can people actually use that one-handed?

Lois Griffin

Chris? Did you find an after-school activity yet?

Chris Griffin

Working on it, Mom. "In conclusion, municipal zoning laws have ultimately hurt the very people they're intended to help." And send. Gosh, who knew there was so much civil discourse in the Pornhub comments section? All right, back to business.

Supply teachers. In Quahog, they've never heard of algebra. And, to make matters worse for this particular supply teacher, Chris is in an obstinate mood.

Supply Teacher

Oh, you know what, guys? I think some of these letters are, like, numbers. We got to start over. Chris, can you erase the boards for me?

Chris Griffin

Kiss my shorts.

[CUT TO: PRINCIPAL SHEPHERD'S office]

Principal Shepherd

Chris, I hear you've been acting up in class and carelessly misquoting The Simpsons.

Chris Griffin

Yeah, well don't have a moo, man.

Chris is defending Principal Shepherd's decision to boost school funds by using the classrooms as a set for making porn movies. Yes, you heard that correctly. Porn. In a school.

Chris Griffin

Every year they slash the school budget, and this man did what he had to do to give us the education we deserve. You know the reading specialist we have? Paid for by a "Das Boot."

Parent

What's a "Das Boot"?

Chris Griffin

That's when a whole bunch of German men go down at the same time.

Ahhh... the Family Guy theme tune. It's like comfort food. It reminds me of late nights, trying to keep my eyes open for just one more slice of the Griffins. Happy times! Here it is a ringtone.

Lois Griffin

♪

It seems today, that all you see,
is violence in movies and sex on TV.

Peter Griffin

But where are those good old-fashioned values,

Ensemble

on which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a Family Guy.
Lucky there's a man who, positively can do,
all the things that make us -

Stewie Griffin

Laugh and cry.

Ensemble

He's a Fam-ily Guy!