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37 MP3 Audio clips from Season 22 of Family Guy (1999)

Family Guy is one of the longest running (and arguably the funniest) cartoon shows ever to come out of the USA. It follows the dysfunctional Griffin family; Peter, Lois, Meg, Chris, Stewie and their talking dog Brian as they survive life in a small Rhode Island town. Expect filth, cursing, sick jokes and twisted animation. All the things we really love, huh?!

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Timestamp: 2024-01-08 | Added: 2020-05-03
Family Guy

Family Guy | Season 22

© 1999 20th Century Fox Television

Family Guy is one of the longest running (and arguably the funniest) cartoon shows ever to come out of the USA. It follows the dysfunctional Griffin family; Peter, Lois, Meg, Chris, Stewie and their talking dog Brian as they survive life in a small Rhode Island town. Expect filth, cursing, sick jokes and twisted animation. All the things we really love, huh?!

UPDATED: | CLIPS: 637

WARNING: ADULT CONTENT!

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Clip 1

S22 E01: "Fertilized Megg"

Is Meg talking about her oven or... her vagina? Because if she's talking about the former, fair enough. If she's talking about the latter... I feel decidedly queasy.

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Meg

You'd be a great Dad, Bruce. You should totally have a kid.

Bruce

I don't know if you knew this, but it's anatomically impossible for a man to get pregnant.

Meg

Even Lindsey Graham?

Bruce

Well, he's certainly giving it the ol' college try. But I guess it's just not in the cards for Jeffery and me. After all, you can't make a bun without a oven.

Meg

Well, I have an oven. I mean, it may not close all the way and it's definitely not self-cleaning, but it works.

Clip 2

S22 E01: "Fertilized Megg"

Abortion. Not the safe, clinical method. No, no, no. We're talking the archaic practice of... "falling down the stairs." For some reason.

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Meg

Mom? Dad? I'm having Bruce and Jeffery's baby.

Peter

That's wonderful. What do you say we take this party to the top of the stairs?

V/O

"Top of the stairs." It's not an abortion. It's an oopsie!

Clip 3

S22 E01: "Fertilized Megg"

Artificial insemination... the other AI. For the record, it's not done using a canon and especially not a canon that a clown once died in.

Download Clip 0169-603 to your PC / Mac  

Doctor Hartman

Good news. The fertilisation of the hella-more-attractive egg was a success. So, now we just have to implant that very hot embryo into Meg's body.

Meg

This is going to hurt?

Doctor Hartman

Not at all. NURSE! WHEEL IN THE IMPLANTATION CANON! You guys are gonna love this thing. A clown died in there but I think we got him all out.

Clip 4

S22 E01: "Fertilized Megg"

Edible underwear. In the bedroom, eating it straight off your partner's body... that's sexy. In an execution cell as your last meal? Not so sexy.

Download Clip 0169-604 to your PC / Mac  

Peter

Ahh, maybe this'll turn out better than you think. Like eatin' edible underwear in non-sexual situations.

[Cut to: PRISON INT. We see PETER with shaved head wearing an orange jump suit sat in an electric chair eating edible panties]

Guard

I can't believe you chose this for your last meal.

Peter

Well, I guess we're both shocked today. Okay, fellas. Light me up.

Witness

You know what? He's funny. Now I see why our daughter got in that van.

[The current is switched on and PETER begins to make a chattering sound]

Peter

Yibba yabba yoo!

Clip 5

S22 E01: "Fertilized Megg"

Talking gibberish to a baby is one thing. Encouraging a baby to fart? That's quite another.

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Peter

[Talking gibberish to baby LIZA JUDY BARBARA]

Liza Judy Barbara

[Laughs and farts]

Peter

[Laughs and farts]

[This continues for several "rallies"]

Yeah, yeah. It's hard to laugh without farting!

Clip 6

S22 E02: "Supermarket Pete"

This gag references old news but not FAKE news. That's a hint. And that's all you're getting. But even if you don't understand it, it's still p*ss-yer-pants-funny.

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Lois

Peter, the bank called to say we're overdrawn and the credit card company sent us a letter that just says, "B**ch, better have my money."

Peter

Visa sent that? God, they can do whatever they want in Delaware.

Chris

Thanks for nothin', Sleepy Joe!

Clip 7

S22 E02: "Supermarket Pete"

Brian is getting some help with his new novel from Joe. They're going to meet the parents of a murder victim to get some insight for his story. Which will be fine, right?

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Joe

Okay, Brian. Now, when you're visiting the family of a deceased victim, you need to hold a hat over your chest. It shows you care.

Brian

All I have is this crown from our Burger King lunch.

Joe

A hat's a hat.

[He knocks on the door and a woman answers it]

Woman

How can I help you, Officer and... Your... Highness?!

Clip 8

S22 E03: "A Stache From the Past"

Mr. Potato Head. A famous toy in his own right and then Toy Story introduced him to a new generation. But, for the record, Mr. Potato Head was never anatomically correct. Not in human terms, anyway.

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Peter

Holy crap! A vintage Mr. Potato Head. From the good old days when potatoes were men and they had penises.

Lois

Peter, they never had penises.

Peter

Well, you could put a nose down there and it kinda worked. The nostrils were balls and... and so forth.

Clip 9

S22 E03: "A Stache From the Past"

What's got into Tom Selleck? I mean, the star of Magnum P.I., Three Men & A Baby, Three Men & A Little Lady, and Bluebloods shouldn't be scamming old people, right?!

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Tom Selleck

Men. Please don't run things by your wives. Just go to www... [laughs] I'm kidding. Here's a phone number as big as we can put it.

Peter

[Picking up his cell phone and starting to dial]

I'm getting my Mr. Potato Head. But that is a lot of numbers to dial.

Tom Selleck

If that's too many numbers to dial, just say, " Siri, I'm old."

Peter

Siri, I'm old.

Peter's iPhone

Dialling Reverse Mortgage Company.

Clip 10

S22 E03: "A Stache From the Past"

Everyone's having a pop at Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, aren't they? There's a long line of people queueing to rip into them. Well, now it's Family Guy's turn, b**ches!

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Peter

That's fine. I'll go it alone. Just like Meghan Markle and Prince Harry.

[Cut to: EXT. Poolside, PRINCE HARRY and MEGHAN MARKLE are laying on sun loungers when a "flunky" approaches them.]

Flunky

Sir. Your millions from Netflix for... no-one knows what.

Prince Harry

Put it with the rest of them.

Meghan Markle

Babe, time to do our daily two-hundred-and-fifty-thousand dollar sponsored Instagram post for Del Taco.

Prince Harry

I shouldn't have left the made-up nonsense.

Clip 11

S22 E04: "Old World Harm"

What the... so Peter had been FaceTiming with a prostitute in Toronto. Lois drove him there to confront the aforementioned sex worker and he paused when choosing between them?!

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Lois

Good news, Peter. We've finally saved enough money to go on a couple's vacation together. We haven't travelled in years.

Peter

That's not true. You made us drive to Toronto to confront that sex worker I FaceTimed with.

Lois

Yeah, that wasn't a vacation. That was an ultimatum.

Peter

And after an insultingly long pause, I chose you.

Clip 12

S22 E04: "Old World Harm"

This is NOT a spa. It's a front for a criminal organ-harvesting gang. Not that you'd notice. Nothing suspicious at all here, folks. Just a normal spa. Move along.

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Spa Worker

Welcome! Have you fasted for the last twelve hours?

Lois

Were we supposed to?

Spa Worker

No worries.

Lois

Why do you need our blood pressure for a massage?

Spa Worker

Deep tissue, hot stone, we have all different kinds.

Lois

You just ignore my question and answered a different one you had in your head.

Spa Worker

I did eat my twin in the womb. Thanks for asking. Okay, let's get you started.

Clip 13

S22 E04: "Old World Harm"

I always struggle when asked about my alcohol consumption, too. I mean, how much is TOO much? And is drinking alone and in the dark a good or a bad thing?

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Doctor

And how many drinks would you say you consume each week?

Peter

Socially, about four to six. Alone in the dark while crying to Adele, a hundred.

Clip 14

S22 E04: "Old World Harm"

Well, this is awkward. Accompanying the baby for his inaugral shower, Stewie makes an observation about Brian's genitals. It's a compliment but it's still... excruciating!

Download Clip 0169-614 to your PC / Mac  

Stewie

Brian, if something should happen to one or both of us, I'd regret not having said this. So, I'm just gonna say it. You... have a nice penis. I see it a lot, I don't say anything... but it's nice. Now you say something nice about my penis.

Brian

I think we should turn the water on.

Clip 15

S22 E04: "Old World Harm"

Florida. Where cops are strippers with guns, unarmed strippers are firemen and nobody knows who fights fires. Wait a minute... that can't be true. I've been there. I'd have noticed, right?!

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Lois

ENOUGH! YOU FREAKS ARE NEVER GETTIN' OUR ORGANS. N-NOW SHUFFLE ASIDE BEFORE I CALL THE COPS!

Old Man

This is Florida, doll. The cops are all just strippers who carry guns.

Peter

Then who are the strippers?

Old Man

Firemen.

Peter

So who fights the fires?

Old Man

No idea.

Clip 16

S22 E05: "Baby, It's Cold Inside"

The RealDoll™. I've heard of them but can't imagine why anybody would need or even want one of them. They're creepy. And they have a reservoir? For WHAT? Oh, right. Yeah. Jesus...

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Peter

Anybody know how to empty the reservoir on a RealDoll™? Because the website is mostly testimonials.

Clip 17

S22 E05: "Baby, It's Cold Inside"

Quagmire. He's always had a thing for Lois. But now he's getting decidedly creepy. He's not following her on Instagram. He's just plain following her.

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Joe

There he is. Here comes the groom!

[The clientele of The Drunken Clam applaud as PETER walks in]

Peter

Even you guys know it's my anniversary? How is that possible?

Quagmire

It's easy. I follow your wife.

Peter

You mean on Instagram?

[There's an uncomfortably long pause]

Quagmire

Yep.

Clip 18

S22 E05: "Baby, It's Cold Inside"

Michael Douglas allegedly contracted the HPV virus by performing oral sex and this mutated into cancer. But who was the lady he allegedly went "down town" on?

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Quagmire

Lois is gonna love this, Peter. She's gonna think you're a true romantic, like Michael Douglas.

[Cut to: INT. Dining Room. MICHAEL DOUGLAS is at the head of the table, CATHERINE ZETA-JONES beside him]

Michael Douglas

So, who wants to hear how I think I got mouth cancer?

[CATHERINE ZETA-JONES scrapes back her chair and skulks off]

She's, uh... she's heard this one before.

Clip 19

S22 E05: "Baby, It's Cold Inside"

It's not cool to choose your own nickname. Especially when it's one nobody calls you. If your nickname is "No Pubes" you need to keep a low profile. Period.

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Brian

Okay, anyway, Stewie -

Stewie

- Can't talk now, Bri. Gotta spend some time messin' around on the guitar.

[STEWIE strums four chords badly]

Brian

I didn't even know you played.

Stewie

Oh, yeah. All the time. A lot. Bros down the hall call me Ramen because I'm always noddlin'.

Frat Member

Hey! What's goin' on, No Pubes?

Stewie

They... they... they call me a lot of things.

Clip 20

S22 E05: "Baby, It's Cold Inside"

Ghee. He's all about the poutine. No, not the poontang. The poutine. It sounds dirty but it's just a gravy they put on French fries.

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Brian

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Party? Who's having a party?

Stewie

I am. And it'll be loaded with chicks thanks to Ghee. This guy's all about the poutine. Which sounds dirty, but it's just a gravy they put on French fries.

Clip 21

S22 E05: "Baby, It's Cold Inside"

Bringing your wife / girlfriend flowers is good. It shows that you're thinking of her. But bringing her flowers stolen from a roadside memorial? That's scraping the bottom of the barrel, pal.

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Peter

Special flowers for a special lady.

Lois

Oh. These are nice. Except...

[LOIS sniffs the potted bouquet]

... they smell like... what is that, exhaust? Why is there a picture of a teenage Latina on them... Peter, did you steal these from a roadside memorial?

Peter

They didn't love her as much as I love you, Lois.

Clip 22

S22 E05: "Baby, It's Cold Inside"

I guess you COULD accuse Pixar of using the same tired recipe for their movies. Take inanimate objects and animate them... give them voices... but would they stoop so low as COINS?

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Nickel

Hello, my name is Nickel.

Coins

Hi, Nickel!

Nickel

There was a time when I paid for a ride on a trolley. Or a good cigar. Or a... hand cranked film of a man tipping his hat and twirling his moustache. But yesterday, I was part of a handful of change at a McDonalds. And the teenage girl threw us out... just... just threw us in the trash with the wrappers and the bag...

Penny

Yeah? And I'm voiced by Kevin Hart.

V/O

Coming this fall from Pixar... Coins. We'll keep making things talk until you don't show up.

Clip 23

S22 E05: "Baby, It's Cold Inside"

Quagmire. He has a large libido and... weird teeth. Apparently. I mean... they seem to be one big tooth as opposed to individual teeth but... yeah, I guess that is a little weird!

Download Clip 0169-623 to your PC / Mac  

Quagmire

Peter, don't you see? We need to make you the hero again.

Peter

Wait. Say that again.

Quagmire

We've got to make you the hero again.

Peter

Yep, yep... you've got weird teeth.

Joe

Wait. What did you say before about the hero thing?

Quagmire

I said we've got to make Peter the hero -

Joe

- You're right, he does have weird teeth.

Clip 24

S22 E05: "Baby, It's Cold Inside"

Lois isn't mad that Peter orchestrated a potentially dangerous situation that nearly got her eaten by a shark. No. She's horny. For some reason.

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Peter

You sure you're not mad?

Lois

No, Peter. I'm not mad. I'm horny. Hornier than I've been in a long time. Now get those pants off, you fat little bag of dirt.

Peter

Oh!

Clip 25

S22 E06: "Boston Stewie"

Meg is baking cupcakes to celebrate either her latest menstruation or a miscarriage. Yes, you read that correctly.

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Chris Griffin

What's with the cupcakes?

Meg Griffin

I'm celebrating. Last night, I had my period. Or a miscarriage. Not sure which. Either way, happy un-birthday!

Clip 26

S22 E06: "Boston Stewie"

A jack-in-the-box. We all know what that is, right? But have you ever stopped to consider another possible connotation? An unthinkable possible connotation? No. Me neither.

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Stewie Griffin

Brian, listen... I have a lost half-sibling. I haven't been this shocked since Chris showed me his jack-in-the-box.

[Cut to: Chris's Bedroom]

Chris! What did you do to this box?!

Chris Griffin

It's not called a Jack Elsewhere!

Clip 27

S22 E06: "Boston Stewie"

Fans Only. Amazing how switching two words around can avoid a costly lawsuit for infringement of copyright.

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Meg Griffin

People are saying I should get Chris a Fans Only page. What's Fans Only?

Chris Griffin

It's a fetish website where amateurs post racy videos that subscribers pay to see.

Meg Griffin

Wait. People would pay money to watch a husky teen sit on food?

Chris Griffin

Oh yeah. Very much so.

Clip 28

S22 E06: "Boston Stewie"

You thought Stewie was bad. You should meet his half-brother, Boston Stewie. He's a real dirtbag.

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Boston Stewie

All right, goodnight, Kiddo. I'm gonna go hide out in the dry tub and watch your sister take a whizz.

Clip 29

S22 E07: "Snapple Decision"

On the 11th May 2015, Tom Brady was suspended without pay for four games by the NFL owing to credible evidence he was involved in cheating by Patriots employees. There... so this is not libellous.

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Stewie Griffin

Oh, Brian! This is great! It'll give us the fresh start we need. Like when Tom Brady moved to Tampa Bay.

Tom Brady

All right! Now I get to cheat in shorts!

Peyton Manning

I'm Peyton Manning and I approve this message.

Clip 30

S22 E07: "Snapple Decision"

It's bad enough that Peter takes Stewie's iPad into the bathroom. It's worse still that he asks Siri to show him softcore pornography.

Download Clip 0169-630 to your PC / Mac  

Peter Griffin

Stewie, Daddy is just going to take the iPad into the bathroom, okay?

Stewie Griffin

He took my Etch-a-Sketch.

Peter Griffin

[From the bathroom]

Siri... show me busty Latinas. Busty Latinas. Hey, could somebody reset the wi-fi?

Clip 31

S22 E07: "Snapple Decision"

Lois and Meg have been kidnapped having been mistaken for the owners of Snapple. Who knows what their kidnappers have planned? Or rather, what Lois has planned?!

Download Clip 0169-631 to your PC / Mac  

Meg Griffin

Mum, what are they going to do with us?

Lois Griffin

If you let my daughter go, you can do whatever you want to me, in the following order: You, you, blonde arm-hair guy, you two, maybe a quick lunch and shower then blonde arm-hair guy again if he's into it.

Clip 32

S22 E08: "Baking Sad"

In a bizarre twist of fate, Peter, Glen, Cleveland, and Joe are hosting their own TV chat show. And it's filled with questionable segments such as this.

Download Clip 0169-632 to your PC / Mac  

Peter Griffin

Welcome back. Now it's time for the clenched buttocks urinal fart of the day, sent in by Gene Kozlowski at Imperial Tool & Dye in Kenosha, Wisconsin. Let her rip, Gene!

[We see GENE KOZLOWSKI standing at a urinal, farting]

Joe Swanson

You just know that one had the power of a state fair sausage behind it.

Clip 33

S22 E08: "Baking Sad"

Peter. He's a fan of "onanism". Pulling his pud, choking the chicken, shaking hands with the milkman, shucking the corn, burping the worm... I think you get the idea.

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Lois Griffin

Disgusting. I can't believe that's my husband. Although I shouldn't be surprised after what happened on our wedding night.

[Flashback to the Griffins' wedding night]

Peter... are you ready?

[PETER comes out of the bathroom]

Peter Griffin

Sorry, I already masturbated. There was a seashell on top of the toilet that looked like a boob.

Clip 34

S22 E08: "Baking Sad"

Who does this? Proposing to their lady in an offensive Chinese accent? In a Chinese restaurant? Peter Griffin. That's who.

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Lois Griffin

When I heard you admit you were wrong, I remembered why I married you in the first place.

Peter Griffin

Because I proposed in an offensive Chinese accent and you just wanted to get out of the restaurant?

Clip 35

S22 E09: "The Return of The King of Queens"

If only Peter knew the real meaning of the word "streaming."

Download Clip 0169-635 to your PC / Mac  

Lois Griffin

Peter, Meg was right. We don't need a TV in the golden age of streaming.

Peter Griffin

Golden age of streaming? Now look, my streams are sporadic at best. And last week, there was blood.

Stewie Griffin

Can we have one holiday where we don't discuss Dad's rod?

Clip 36

S22 E09: "The Return of The King of Queens"

A diaphragm might LOOK like a kippah (yarmulke, yamaka, skullcap, or koppel... take your pick) but it's not. And wearing one to Temple? It's tantamount to religious suicide.

Download Clip 0169-636 to your PC / Mac  

Stewie Griffin

I can't believe you buy milk and bras at the same place. God, we're trash.

Lois Griffin

Wh... where's the fridge?

Peter Griffin

I sold it. You get rid of the things I love, I get rid of the things you love. I also sold that tiny Jewish hat you keep in the bathroom.

Lois Griffin

That was my diaphragm.

Peter Griffin

Ah. Well, Mort's gonna have a rough day at Temple.

Clip 37

S22 E09: "The Return of The King of Queens"

All right. Just what is this show's problem with Florida? It's the Sunshine State. It's amazing. Mostly. Okay, so there are some areas which are questionable, but that's true of any state.

Download Clip 0169-637 to your PC / Mac  

Lois Griffin

Just give streaming a shot. After all, it can't be any worse than when we went to the Florida Panhandle.

[Cut to: PETER and LOIS in a Florida restaurant]

Mmmm. This shrimp is delicious. S...

[LOIS begins to choke]

Peter Griffin

Oh, God... my wife's choking. Is there a doctor in the house? College graduate? High school graduate? Some High School with Vocational Degree? Whoever gets the shrimp out of her windpipe can have it.

[There's a near-riot as all of the patrons of the restaurant pounce on LOIS]