62 MP3 Audio clips from Season 22 of Family Guy (1999)

PLAY ALL 662 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Is Meg talking about her oven or... her vagina? Because if she's talking about the former, fair enough. If she's talking about the latter... I feel decidedly queasy.

Meg

You'd be a great Dad, Bruce. You should totally have a kid.

Bruce

I don't know if you knew this, but it's anatomically impossible for a man to get pregnant.

Meg

Even Lindsey Graham?

Bruce

Well, he's certainly giving it the ol' college try. But I guess it's just not in the cards for Jeffery and me. After all, you can't make a bun without a oven.

Meg

Well, I have an oven. I mean, it may not close all the way and it's definitely not self-cleaning, but it works.

Abortion. Not the safe, clinical method. No, no, no. We're talking the archaic practice of... "falling down the stairs." For some reason.

Meg

Mom? Dad? I'm having Bruce and Jeffery's baby.

Peter

That's wonderful. What do you say we take this party to the top of the stairs?

V/O

"Top of the stairs." It's not an abortion. It's an oopsie!

Artificial insemination... the other AI. For the record, it's not done using a canon and especially not a canon that a clown once died in.

Doctor Hartman

Good news. The fertilisation of the hella-more-attractive egg was a success. So, now we just have to implant that very hot embryo into Meg's body.

Meg

This is going to hurt?

Doctor Hartman

Not at all. NURSE! WHEEL IN THE IMPLANTATION CANON! You guys are gonna love this thing. A clown died in there but I think we got him all out.

Edible underwear. In the bedroom, eating it straight off your partner's body... that's sexy. In an execution cell as your last meal? Not so sexy.

Peter

Ahh, maybe this'll turn out better than you think. Like eatin' edible underwear in non-sexual situations.

[Cut to: PRISON INT. We see PETER with shaved head wearing an orange jump suit sat in an electric chair eating edible panties]

Guard

I can't believe you chose this for your last meal.

Peter

Well, I guess we're both shocked today. Okay, fellas. Light me up.

Witness

You know what? He's funny. Now I see why our daughter got in that van.

[The current is switched on and PETER begins to make a chattering sound]

Peter

Yibba yabba yoo!

Talking gibberish to a baby is one thing. Encouraging a baby to fart? That's quite another.

Peter

[Talking gibberish to baby LIZA JUDY BARBARA]

Liza Judy Barbara

[Laughs and farts]

Peter

[Laughs and farts]

[This continues for several "rallies"]

Yeah, yeah. It's hard to laugh without farting!

This gag references old news but not FAKE news. That's a hint. And that's all you're getting. But even if you don't understand it, it's still p*ss-yer-pants-funny.

Lois

Peter, the bank called to say we're overdrawn and the credit card company sent us a letter that just says, "B**ch, better have my money."

Peter

Visa sent that? God, they can do whatever they want in Delaware.

Chris

Thanks for nothin', Sleepy Joe!

Brian is getting some help with his new novel from Joe. They're going to meet the parents of a murder victim to get some insight for his story. Which will be fine, right?

Joe

Okay, Brian. Now, when you're visiting the family of a deceased victim, you need to hold a hat over your chest. It shows you care.

Brian

All I have is this crown from our Burger King lunch.

Joe

A hat's a hat.

[He knocks on the door and a woman answers it]

Woman

How can I help you, Officer and... Your... Highness?!

Mr. Potato Head. A famous toy in his own right and then Toy Story introduced him to a new generation. But, for the record, Mr. Potato Head was never anatomically correct. Not in human terms, anyway.

Peter

Holy crap! A vintage Mr. Potato Head. From the good old days when potatoes were men and they had penises.

Lois

Peter, they never had penises.

Peter

Well, you could put a nose down there and it kinda worked. The nostrils were balls and... and so forth.

What's got into Tom Selleck? I mean, the star of Magnum P.I., Three Men & A Baby, Three Men & A Little Lady, and Bluebloods shouldn't be scamming old people, right?!

Tom Selleck

Men. Please don't run things by your wives. Just go to www... [laughs] I'm kidding. Here's a phone number as big as we can put it.

Peter

[Picking up his cell phone and starting to dial]

I'm getting my Mr. Potato Head. But that is a lot of numbers to dial.

Tom Selleck

If that's too many numbers to dial, just say, " Siri, I'm old."

Peter

Siri, I'm old.

Peter's iPhone

Dialling Reverse Mortgage Company.

Everyone's having a pop at Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, aren't they? There's a long line of people queueing to rip into them. Well, now it's Family Guy's turn, b**ches!

Peter

That's fine. I'll go it alone. Just like Meghan Markle and Prince Harry.

[Cut to: EXT. Poolside, PRINCE HARRY and MEGHAN MARKLE are laying on sun loungers when a "flunky" approaches them.]

Flunky

Sir. Your millions from Netflix for... no-one knows what.

Prince Harry

Put it with the rest of them.

Meghan Markle

Babe, time to do our daily two-hundred-and-fifty-thousand dollar sponsored Instagram post for Del Taco.

Prince Harry

I shouldn't have left the made-up nonsense.

What the... so Peter had been FaceTiming with a prostitute in Toronto. Lois drove him there to confront the aforementioned sex worker and he paused when choosing between them?!

Lois

Good news, Peter. We've finally saved enough money to go on a couple's vacation together. We haven't travelled in years.

Peter

That's not true. You made us drive to Toronto to confront that sex worker I FaceTimed with.

Lois

Yeah, that wasn't a vacation. That was an ultimatum.

Peter

And after an insultingly long pause, I chose you.

This is NOT a spa. It's a front for a criminal organ-harvesting gang. Not that you'd notice. Nothing suspicious at all here, folks. Just a normal spa. Move along.

Spa Worker

Welcome! Have you fasted for the last twelve hours?

Lois

Were we supposed to?

Spa Worker

No worries.

Lois

Why do you need our blood pressure for a massage?

Spa Worker

Deep tissue, hot stone, we have all different kinds.

Lois

You just ignore my question and answered a different one you had in your head.

Spa Worker

I did eat my twin in the womb. Thanks for asking. Okay, let's get you started.

I always struggle when asked about my alcohol consumption, too. I mean, how much is TOO much? And is drinking alone and in the dark a good or a bad thing?

Doctor

And how many drinks would you say you consume each week?

Peter

Socially, about four to six. Alone in the dark while crying to Adele, a hundred.

Well, this is awkward. Accompanying the baby for his inaugral shower, Stewie makes an observation about Brian's genitals. It's a compliment but it's still... excruciating!

Stewie

Brian, if something should happen to one or both of us, I'd regret not having said this. So, I'm just gonna say it. You... have a nice penis. I see it a lot, I don't say anything... but it's nice. Now you say something nice about my penis.

Brian

I think we should turn the water on.

Florida. Where cops are strippers with guns, unarmed strippers are firemen and nobody knows who fights fires. Wait a minute... that can't be true. I've been there. I'd have noticed, right?!

Lois

ENOUGH! YOU FREAKS ARE NEVER GETTIN' OUR ORGANS. N-NOW SHUFFLE ASIDE BEFORE I CALL THE COPS!

Old Man

This is Florida, doll. The cops are all just strippers who carry guns.

Peter

Then who are the strippers?

Old Man

Firemen.

Peter

So who fights the fires?

Old Man

No idea.

The RealDoll™. I've heard of them but can't imagine why anybody would need or even want one of them. They're creepy. And they have a reservoir? For WHAT? Oh, right. Yeah. Jesus...

Peter

Anybody know how to empty the reservoir on a RealDoll™? Because the website is mostly testimonials.

Quagmire. He's always had a thing for Lois. But now he's getting decidedly creepy. He's not following her on Instagram. He's just plain following her.

Joe

There he is. Here comes the groom!

[The clientele of The Drunken Clam applaud as PETER walks in]

Peter

Even you guys know it's my anniversary? How is that possible?

Quagmire

It's easy. I follow your wife.

Peter

You mean on Instagram?

[There's an uncomfortably long pause]

Quagmire

Yep.

Michael Douglas allegedly contracted the HPV virus by performing oral sex and this mutated into cancer. But who was the lady he allegedly went "down town" on?

Quagmire

Lois is gonna love this, Peter. She's gonna think you're a true romantic, like Michael Douglas.

[Cut to: INT. Dining Room. MICHAEL DOUGLAS is at the head of the table, CATHERINE ZETA-JONES beside him]

Michael Douglas

So, who wants to hear how I think I got mouth cancer?

[CATHERINE ZETA-JONES scrapes back her chair and skulks off]

She's, uh... she's heard this one before.

It's not cool to choose your own nickname. Especially when it's one nobody calls you. If your nickname is "No Pubes" you need to keep a low profile. Period.

Brian

Okay, anyway, Stewie -

Stewie

- Can't talk now, Bri. Gotta spend some time messin' around on the guitar.

[STEWIE strums four chords badly]

Brian

I didn't even know you played.

Stewie

Oh, yeah. All the time. A lot. Bros down the hall call me Ramen because I'm always noddlin'.

Frat Member

Hey! What's goin' on, No Pubes?

Stewie

They... they... they call me a lot of things.

Ghee. He's all about the poutine. No, not the poontang. The poutine. It sounds dirty but it's just a gravy they put on French fries.

Brian

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Party? Who's having a party?

Stewie

I am. And it'll be loaded with chicks thanks to Ghee. This guy's all about the poutine. Which sounds dirty, but it's just a gravy they put on French fries.

Bringing your wife / girlfriend flowers is good. It shows that you're thinking of her. But bringing her flowers stolen from a roadside memorial? That's scraping the bottom of the barrel, pal.

Peter

Special flowers for a special lady.

Lois

Oh. These are nice. Except...

[LOIS sniffs the potted bouquet]

... they smell like... what is that, exhaust? Why is there a picture of a teenage Latina on them... Peter, did you steal these from a roadside memorial?

Peter

They didn't love her as much as I love you, Lois.

I guess you COULD accuse Pixar of using the same tired recipe for their movies. Take inanimate objects and animate them... give them voices... but would they stoop so low as COINS?

Nickel

Hello, my name is Nickel.

Coins

Hi, Nickel!

Nickel

There was a time when I paid for a ride on a trolley. Or a good cigar. Or a... hand cranked film of a man tipping his hat and twirling his moustache. But yesterday, I was part of a handful of change at a McDonalds. And the teenage girl threw us out... just... just threw us in the trash with the wrappers and the bag...

Penny

Yeah? And I'm voiced by Kevin Hart.

V/O

Coming this fall from Pixar... Coins. We'll keep making things talk until you don't show up.

Quagmire. He has a large libido and... weird teeth. Apparently. I mean... they seem to be one big tooth as opposed to individual teeth but... yeah, I guess that is a little weird!

Quagmire

Peter, don't you see? We need to make you the hero again.

Peter

Wait. Say that again.

Quagmire

We've got to make you the hero again.

Peter

Yep, yep... you've got weird teeth.

Joe

Wait. What did you say before about the hero thing?

Quagmire

I said we've got to make Peter the hero -

Joe

- You're right, he does have weird teeth.

Lois isn't mad that Peter orchestrated a potentially dangerous situation that nearly got her eaten by a shark. No. She's horny. For some reason.

Peter

You sure you're not mad?

Lois

No, Peter. I'm not mad. I'm horny. Hornier than I've been in a long time. Now get those pants off, you fat little bag of dirt.

Peter

Oh!

Meg is baking cupcakes to celebrate either her latest menstruation or a miscarriage. Yes, you read that correctly.

Chris Griffin

What's with the cupcakes?

Meg Griffin

I'm celebrating. Last night, I had my period. Or a miscarriage. Not sure which. Either way, happy un-birthday!

A jack-in-the-box. We all know what that is, right? But have you ever stopped to consider another possible connotation? An unthinkable possible connotation? No. Me neither.

Stewie Griffin

Brian, listen... I have a lost half-sibling. I haven't been this shocked since Chris showed me his jack-in-the-box.

[Cut to: Chris's Bedroom]

Chris! What did you do to this box?!

Chris Griffin

It's not called a Jack Elsewhere!

Fans Only. Amazing how switching two words around can avoid a costly lawsuit for infringement of copyright.

Meg Griffin

People are saying I should get Chris a Fans Only page. What's Fans Only?

Chris Griffin

It's a fetish website where amateurs post racy videos that subscribers pay to see.

Meg Griffin

Wait. People would pay money to watch a husky teen sit on food?

Chris Griffin

Oh yeah. Very much so.

You thought Stewie was bad. You should meet his half-brother, Boston Stewie. He's a real dirtbag.

Boston Stewie

All right, goodnight, Kiddo. I'm gonna go hide out in the dry tub and watch your sister take a whizz.

On the 11th May 2015, Tom Brady was suspended without pay for four games by the NFL owing to credible evidence he was involved in cheating by Patriots employees. There... so this is not libellous.

Stewie Griffin

Oh, Brian! This is great! It'll give us the fresh start we need. Like when Tom Brady moved to Tampa Bay.

Tom Brady

All right! Now I get to cheat in shorts!

Peyton Manning

I'm Peyton Manning and I approve this message.

It's bad enough that Peter takes Stewie's iPad into the bathroom. It's worse still that he asks Siri to show him softcore pornography.

Peter Griffin

Stewie, Daddy is just going to take the iPad into the bathroom, okay?

Stewie Griffin

He took my Etch-a-Sketch.

Peter Griffin

[From the bathroom]

Siri... show me busty Latinas. Busty Latinas. Hey, could somebody reset the wi-fi?

Lois and Meg have been kidnapped having been mistaken for the owners of Snapple. Who knows what their kidnappers have planned? Or rather, what Lois has planned?!

Meg Griffin

Mum, what are they going to do with us?

Lois Griffin

If you let my daughter go, you can do whatever you want to me, in the following order: You, you, blonde arm-hair guy, you two, maybe a quick lunch and shower then blonde arm-hair guy again if he's into it.

In a bizarre twist of fate, Peter, Glen, Cleveland, and Joe are hosting their own TV chat show. And it's filled with questionable segments such as this.

Peter Griffin

Welcome back. Now it's time for the clenched buttocks urinal fart of the day, sent in by Gene Kozlowski at Imperial Tool & Dye in Kenosha, Wisconsin. Let her rip, Gene!

[We see GENE KOZLOWSKI standing at a urinal, farting]

Joe Swanson

You just know that one had the power of a state fair sausage behind it.

Peter. He's a fan of "onanism". Pulling his pud, choking the chicken, shaking hands with the milkman, shucking the corn, burping the worm... I think you get the idea.

Lois Griffin

Disgusting. I can't believe that's my husband. Although I shouldn't be surprised after what happened on our wedding night.

[Flashback to the Griffins' wedding night]

Peter... are you ready?

[PETER comes out of the bathroom]

Peter Griffin

Sorry, I already masturbated. There was a seashell on top of the toilet that looked like a boob.

Who does this? Proposing to their lady in an offensive Chinese accent? In a Chinese restaurant? Peter Griffin. That's who.

Lois Griffin

When I heard you admit you were wrong, I remembered why I married you in the first place.

Peter Griffin

Because I proposed in an offensive Chinese accent and you just wanted to get out of the restaurant?

If only Peter knew the real meaning of the word "streaming."

Lois Griffin

Peter, Meg was right. We don't need a TV in the golden age of streaming.

Peter Griffin

Golden age of streaming? Now look, my streams are sporadic at best. And last week, there was blood.

Stewie Griffin

Can we have one holiday where we don't discuss Dad's rod?

A diaphragm might LOOK like a kippah (yarmulke, yamaka, skullcap, or koppel... take your pick) but it's not. And wearing one to Temple? It's tantamount to religious suicide.

Stewie Griffin

I can't believe you buy milk and bras at the same place. God, we're trash.

Lois Griffin

Wh... where's the fridge?

Peter Griffin

I sold it. You get rid of the things I love, I get rid of the things you love. I also sold that tiny Jewish hat you keep in the bathroom.

Lois Griffin

That was my diaphragm.

Peter Griffin

Ah. Well, Mort's gonna have a rough day at Temple.

All right. Just what is this show's problem with Florida? It's the Sunshine State. It's amazing. Mostly. Okay, so there are some areas which are questionable, but that's true of any state.

Lois Griffin

Just give streaming a shot. After all, it can't be any worse than when we went to the Florida Panhandle.

[Cut to: PETER and LOIS in a Florida restaurant]

Mmmm. This shrimp is delicious. S...

[LOIS begins to choke]

Peter Griffin

Oh, God... my wife's choking. Is there a doctor in the house? College graduate? High school graduate? Some High School with Vocational Degree? Whoever gets the shrimp out of her windpipe can have it.

[There's a near-riot as all of the patrons of the restaurant pounce on LOIS]

The Griffins have won an all-expenses-paid trip to Maine. Lois reckons her monogramed canvas bag will be so excited at the news. And you know what? She's right. He is.

Lois Griffin

A family vacation in Maine! My monogramed canvas bag is gonna be so excited.

Monogramed Canvas Bag

You said it, Lois! I can't wait to get stuffed with old sunscreens and emergency tampons!

Is this a thing? Actually, you know what? Forget it. Clearly it is. Clearly there are guys out there who will pay money for water wrung out of a woman's bathing suit.

Chris Griffin

While we're on the subject of Mrs. Swanson and swimsuits, question. If Mrs. Swanson goes swimming and hangs her bathing suit to dry in the bathroom, am I allowed to wring the water into a cup?

Lois Griffin

And do what with it?

Chris Griffin

Irrelevant. Do not concern yourself with what happens to the water once it's in the cup... am I allowed?

Lois Griffin

Uh, I'm gonna say no.

Chris Griffin

All right, well the guy from Reddit already paid for the water but I'll... I'll figure something out.

Quagmire. He's such a pervert. If there's a view of a girls' volleyball camp to be had, you just know he's going to take advantage of it.

Peter Griffin

All right, gang. Time to head inside. Now, one quick heads-up. Every room has a lake view except one. Somebody's gonna have to look out over that girls' volleyball camp next door.

[Predictably, QUAGMIRE races to the room and stands staring out of the window]

Glen Quagmire

Nice serve, Stacey!

[Applauds]

It's Quagmire performing Reveille... not on a bugle as in the military but with his mouth, using only the word Giggity! Perfect for an alarm tone.

Glen Quagmire

[Performs Reveille using only the word "Giggity"]

Joe finds Chris down on the jetty with a fishing rod and a bucket. But he misunderstood the assignment. Bait Master? More like Master Bait. If you catch my drift.

Joe Swanson

There he is, the Bait Master.

Chris Griffin

I think I misunderstood the assignment.

Joe Swanson

Well, let's see what you caught.

Chris Griffin

I wouldn't look in the bucket.

I'm with Lois on this one. It seems half the world suddenly want to change gender. It's quite the fashion. Which is why I'm proud to be out of fashion.

Brian Griffin

You... you can't just say you're a teacher.

Lois Griffin

Oh, no? Every other man these days throws on a dress and suddenly he's a woman, so...

[An apology to "snowflakes" appears on the screen]

Chris is trying to boost his popularity by claiming to be sleeping with his teacher. Sadly, his teacher is his mum, masquerading under her maiden name to avoid any awkward questions.

Cool Kid

Griffin, we saw you driving away with Miss Pewterschmidt yesterday. Did you score? If you closed the deal with a teacher, you'll be a legend forever.

Chris Griffin

Well, let's just say, she and I slept. Together. Under the same roof.

Cool Kid

All right!

Chris Griffin

Of course, we had dinner first.

Cool Kid

There you go.

Chris Griffin

And then I ate her Out... back Steakhouse salad, which she didn't want.

Cool Kid

As someone who only listens to the first half of sentences, nice.

Family Guy is now classified "Mature Audiences" because of Meg asking Chris whether his mum's vagina is as big as hers. Yeah. You read that right. Sheesh!

Meg Griffin

No, people are saying you're sleeping with "Miss Pewterschmidt", who is Mom. You do know she's Mom, right?

Chris Griffin

I know she's Mom. And I may have said some things that made people think we're having sex. But the guys in class now think I'm cool.

Meg Griffin

Chris, Mom could get arrested.

Chris Griffin

Well, Mom knew when she took this job there was a chance we'd wind up pretend-banging. I'm not going back to being unpopular.

Meg Griffin

Well, Chris, tell me just one thing about Mom... is she bigger than me?

V/O

This program is now "TV-MA" because of what Meg just said.

Lois has a confession to make. She thinks that confession is that she faked her masters degree. But Principal Shepherd thinks she's been sleeping with students. This won't end well.

Principal Shepherd

Miss Pewterschmidt, I have a very grave matter to discuss with you.

Lois Griffin

And I know what it is. I'm guilty.

Principal Shepherd

Well, I appreciate the honesty.

Lois Griffin

I mean, I did the same thing at my son's preschool and no one cared.

Principal Shepherd

Wha-?

Lois Griffin

I just want to touch kids, and I have. All of them. Even the girls. One boy was unhappy with his D and I promised to help him get it up. Then it was, "Cram, cram, cram."

Principal Shepherd

I'm close to breaking my pencil in outrage.

Lois Griffin

One boy's a little slow, but I whisper in his ear, "You can do it," and the smile on his face when he finishes -

[PRINCIPAL SHEPHERD snaps his pencil in outrage]

Principal Shepherd

Miss Pewterschmidt!

Peter Griffin couldn't be 007 because that would breach Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer's copyright. So he's Agent 555 instead. And he's just saved Alice's life. She's grateful. VERY grateful!

Lois Griffin (as Alice)

Oh, triple-five, you saved my life. Make love to me right now.

Peter Griffin (as Agent Triple-Five)

I'm sorry, Alice, I can't. I'm gay.

Peter Griffin

[Breaking the fourth wall]

New Bond. Edited for snowflakes.

Stewie Griffin is such a dirt-bag. Here he is at Family Ocean Park claiming to have been stung by a jellyfish simply so that someone will pee on him. Is he German by any chance?

Stewie Griffin

Sir, I've been stung by a jellyfish, and I need to be peed on.

Family Ocean Park Employee

Our jellyfish don't sting.

Stewie Griffin

Yeah, I think, I think I know when I've been stung. Now is there an attractive, well-hydrated manager I can speak to?

Meg loves being a lifeguard for all the wrong reasons. Flashing eye-level swimsuit crotch shots at families is one of them. I mean, who does that?!

Meg Griffin (V/O)

A job can be more than a job, if you love what you do. I am a lifeguard because I love flashing eye-level swimsuit crotch shots at families. I love checking the pH of the pool by gargling the water and seeing how quickly it gives me a yeast infection.

[A loaf of bread falls out of MEG'S swimsuit]

Okay, pH a little high here.

Tom Tucker, the beloved anchor for Quahog 5 News, is losing it. Seriously, he's losing the plot. Who starts a news bulletin with this?

Tom Tucker

Good evening. Coming up, a major Hollywood movie is set to film in Quahog. But first, whoever recorded me cursing at that freeway off-ramp veteran, please don't post that, all right? Seriously. We all have bad days.

Brad Pitt is coming to Quahog. Lois is coming at the very thought of Brad Pitt coming to Quahog. But did she go too far here? You decide.

Lois Griffin

Oh, come on, you two. You're really offended that one of the biggest movie stars on the planet is coming to our crap town to shoot a movie? I mean, Brad Pitt could put it anywhere, with any of us.

Stewie Griffin

Facts.

Jared Fogle. You know, the Subway guy. No? Kinda nerdy looking. Was in the adverts from 2000 to 2015? No? An advocate of child sex tourism and child pornography. Yeah! That's him.

Lois Griffin

When was the last time a celebrity visited Quahog?

Peter Griffin

Uh, Jared Fogle.

Lois Griffin

Who?

Peter Griffin

The Subway Guy. Remember? He was here for a public appearance. Took a shine to Chris for some reason. Took him camping. Had these weird candies he'd only let Chris eat.

Chris Griffin

How come I don't remember any of this?

Peter Griffin

Ah, too many video games, buddy. They're rotting your brains.

Chris Griffin

Get your hands off me, Jared!

Did you know that Abraham Lincoln's wife had a middle name of Todd? No. Neither did I. But she did. It's true. Mary Ann Todd Lincoln.

[Doorbell rings and PETER opens the front door]

Josh Universal

Mister Griffin, hi. I'm Josh Universal from the movie. I'm taking a break from my horrific cocaine habit to ask you to sit down with our producers for a "listening session" to hear your concerns. And, on an unrelated note, can I use your bathroom, and does anyone have a rolled-up bill?

Peter Griffin

Oh, of course. I got a special five just for that.

[Cutaway to ABRAHAM LINCOLN]

Abraham Lincoln

All right, let's get zapped and go see a play!

♪Abraham Lincoln, his wife's middle name was... Todd!♪

Hmm. That's odd.

Peter is more than just a fat guy. He's also tired. And he really, really wants some custard.

Peter Griffin

Brian, I'm a fat guy. I got all fired up about something, and now I'm tired and I'd like some custard.

Trust Quagmire. He gets to meet Brad Pitt, one of the coolest actors on the planet and all he's interested in is getting hold of Jennifer Aniston's phone number. But hey... who can blame him?!

Glenn Quagmire

Hey, Brad. Any chance I could get Jennifer Aniston's number from you? I know she's got to be a nightmare, but she keeps it so freakin' tight.

I suppose Brad Pitt must be used to women fighting over him but surely a daughter fighting her mother and a baby fighting his sister for him must have been a new one.

[There's a knock at the door and LOIS opens it to find BRAD PITT standing on the doorstep]

Brad Pitt

Hi, you must be Peter's wife. I'm Brad.

Lois Griffin

Oh, I know who you are. I'm -

[MEG hits LOIS over the head, knocking her down]

Meg Griffin

Hi, I'm -

[STEWIE hits LOIS over the head, knocking her down]

Stewie Griffin

Stewart. Charmed. I know you dump people when they're forty, but that still gives us thirty-nine good years.

Ever wondered if it's even possible for a man to fake an orgasm? I mean, there's a pretty definite ending to it, right? Not a lot of grey area. Very cut and dry.

Lois Griffin

Peter, this is ridiculous. You can't play Chris Christie. You're not even an actor.

Peter Griffin

Oh, no?

[PETER begins faking an orgasm]

Yes, Lois! Yes! Yes! Oh! Sound familiar?

Lois Griffin

But how do you -

Peter Griffin

- Squirt gun full of ivory.

Stewie Griffin

Sorry, Lunchables, I'm afraid I've lost my appetite.

Children have tutors on the set of TV shows and movies to ensure that they continue to receive an education whilst working. Billy has one. But she couldn't really give a sh*t, to be honest!

Stewie Griffin

Wow, a real live movie set. So cool to be here for the magic.

Brian Griffin

Yeah, and look, there's a child star who's getting an hour of school.

Set Tutor

Okay, Billy, now, what colour is this?

Billy

Blue?

Set Tutor

Close enough. Now get back out there and be the most distracting part of any film.

Peter has wrapped his first and only movie and now he's addressing a crowd to explain how he, an ordinary fat guy, was just what the film needed for authenticity.

[The audience cheer]

Peter Griffin

Thank you all for coming.

Glenn Quagmire

Giggity.

Peter Griffin

It was a lot of hard work.

Glenn Quagmire

Giggity.

Peter Griffin

And thanks to the unnecessarily long writers' strike, we were unable to write a third joke for this speech.

[The audience cheer]

Brian is in love with his veterinary nurse, Emma. But Emma is a devout Christian. And that's a problem because Brian was hoping to have sex with her.

Emma

Hey, I... I don't normally do this, but... what do you say we go back to my place after this and... get a little crazy?

Brian Griffin

Really?

Emma

Yeah. We'll eat sherbet and watch funny State Farm commercials.

Brian Griffin

Uh, okay, and... and then we'll have sex?

Emma

Sex? Brian, I'm Christian. And no good Christian believes in sex before marriage, except for every minister or politician you've ever heard of.

What is it about the past? I mean... incest?! Since when was that fashionable? Well, in the middle ages, it seems like it was fine to boink your sister.

V/O

We now return to a show about incest.

Stewie Griffin

Gross.

V/O

Set five-hundred years ago.

Stewie Griffin

Ooh, sexy. I feel so sophisticated.

Yes, they DO actually do this. If a programme is running over, they imperceptibly increase the speed of the video to make it fit. Not that you'd notice with this example. Not at all.

Mayor West

Sounds like Brian is fixin' to use Stewie's time machine. I'm Mayor West, and my voice was sped up because the show ran too long.