17 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of Breeders (2020)

PLAY ALL 31 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

We've all been there. You're trying to work and the kids are staging a mini-riot upstairs. The noise is deafening, grating, irritating. It's how you deal with it that matters.

[PAUL is ascending the stairs towards a closed door behind which his children are making an unbelievable amount of noise]

Paul

Breathe. Talk to them. Do better, Paul. Be better.

[He throws open the door]

JESUS FU*KING CHRIST! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO BE QUIET? NO... TELL ME. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU? YOU THINK I'M GONNA PUT UP WITH THIS? I'LL FU*KING GO, I DON'T GIVE A SH*T... IN FACT I'M GONNA GO. TELL MUMMY THAT DADDY'S GONE. RIGHT? 'CAUSE HE COULDN'T STAND TO BE AROUND THE FU*KING NOISE ANYMORE. AND THEN WHEN YOU'VE TOLD HER THAT, YOU CAN WATCH HER CRY. AND THEN YOU CAN CRY SOME MORE... YOU'LL ALL BE FU*KING CRYING!

[He takes a deep breath, regains his composure and immediately regrets his outburst]

Sorry. I just need you to be quiet. I'm working. I didn't mean any of that. Oh, man. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's a real conundrum. Well... it's not real because nobody would kill their own children. But sometimes they push your buttons so much that you think you could. And that's what's bugging Paul.

Paul

I would die for those kids, Ally. But often I also want to kill them.

Ally

Yeah, it's a conundrum isn't it? Trying to work out which duvet to suffocate them with.

Paul

Well, the tiger one's thicker. No. I would definitely murder our children with the tiger duvet.

* For the benefit of our American visitors, a "duvet" is a comforter. Just so you know!

Now here's a question. Can you actually fu*k someone stupid? I mean, can you actually fu*k someone hard enough that their IQ is lowered as a result?

Paul

So, shall we go back to the hotel...

Ally

Mm-hmm?

Paul

... and fu*k each-other stupid?

Ally

Yeah, let's fu*k each-other mental like if you could turn someone schizophrenic just by fu*king them hard enough.

Paul

You can't. Not even Sting can do that and he's had a good go!

A baby not sleeping is frustrating. It can drive a grown man or woman to tears. But just remember... don't be Paul!

[PAUL is putting his newborn son down to sleep in his Moses Basket (our American visitors might be more familiar with the term "Bassinet") and is whispering quietly as the baby sleeps soundly in his arms]

Paul

There's a good boy. You gonna stay asleep for Daddy? Come on...

[He lays the child in the basket]

There's a good boy. Easy peasy. There.

[The baby awakens and begins to cry]

OH MOTHERFU*KING... BE REASONABLE, YOU PR**K! BE FU*KING REASONABLE!

Every school has them. Parents that everyone loves to hate. Parents who look down their noses at other parents and their children. Meet the Hicksons.

Mrs. Hickson

So, will we be seeing Luke in the Year 3 production?

Ally

Um... not... on stage. But he's doing lots of behind the scenes stuff aren't you, love?

Luke

I'm doin' all the lights.

Mrs. Hickson

Awwww. Oh well, never mind. Maybe next year.

[To her children]

Come on.

Ally

Fu*k them.

Paul

The fu*king Hicksons.

Ally

In their fu*king outfits.

Paul

Ponces. I can't stand him.

Ally

Or her. Do you know that she's having an affair? Not for the first time, either because he's so grey and dull and she's some sort of seventies swinger throwback.

Paul and St. Thomas' Hospital have a history. They go way back. The staff there have long (wrongly) suspected him of being a violent man. And this time it's his mother he's accidentally injured.

Jackie

I hope you don't think it's Paul fault I got hurt.

Doctor

We just need to look you over. Give you a bit of an M.O.T.

Jackie

This is a kind son, really. Although he did once smack me in the face with a spade.

Paul

Plastic one. Not a... don't say that, Mum. Christ. It was tiny and plastic for making sandcastles. It was an accident. I was three.

Jackie

You could've had me eye out. He used to love being all nude on the beach when he was a toddler.

Paul

Christ.

Jackie

Running around with his funny little prawn out for all to see.

* Quick bit of translation for our American visitors. What we call a "prawn", you call a shrimp and as for "M.O.T.", this is an annual mechanical examination of a vehicle to ensure that it is roadworthy and safe. If you're really interested, it's an abbreviation of Ministry of Transport.

As a result of one too many accidents involving their children, Social Services are on their way to assess the house. The fridge is empty and the delivery is delayed. Paul has phoned the driver.

Paul

Right, but I do need my shopping. Don't... don't judge me... if I don't get my shopping in the next two minutes my children will be taken into care.

Driver

If you don't get your shopping in the next two minutes your children will be taken into care?

Paul

Sounds unlikely, I know but yes. Now look... is there another of your vans just a minute or so from my house who can give me someone else's shopping? I don't care what the shopping is so long as it's food and not just tampons and clingfilm.

Driver

Look, you can't have someone else's shopping, Mr. Worsley.

[The door bell sounds]

Ally

God, it's the Stasi. They're early.

Paul

Fu*k you. When my kids are being diddled in a shed by some bearded nonce, it'll be your fu*king fault.

The most wonderful thing about children is their complete and utter inability to keep secrets and their propensity for blurting them out to anyone who'll listen. And... cue Luke!

Luke

Hi, Nan and Grandad. I've got a thing I can't say.

Jim

Ooh, what is it? Is it a swearword? Is it "tits"?

Jackie

JIM!

Jim

Not "fanny" is it? 'Cause that used to be a woman's name.

Luke

Mummy's married to another man.

Sometimes children mistake adult things for toys. Adult toys. I think you catch my drift. Which is why it's best to keep such paraphernalia locked in a cupboard, out of reach of little hands.

Leah

Ooh! Well, don't you two look fancy!

Luke

We found them in Grandpa Michael's suitcase. I found a scarf and Ava found a bracelet.

[It's not a bracelet]

Ava

Look!

Leah

Take that off.

Ava

No.

Ally

Just let her wear it, Mum.

Leah

She can't. It's a c*ck ring.

Ally

Oh my God. Oh, come here.

Ava

NO! I WANNA KEEP IT!

Leah

I gave it to your father. I can't believe he kept it all these years. It's quite touching, actually.

[PAUL walks into the room]

Ally

Ava's wearing Dad's c*ck ring as a bracelet.

Paul

Well, there's a thing.

Saying a poignant, heart-felt goodbye to a father you've been estranged from for years is tough. But it's tougher if you have a noisy audience.

Ally

Thanks for coming back to see me, though. These last few weeks I, um... I really felt a shift in our relationship. But it's time. It's time now to... to let you go.

Ava

I'm bored!

Paul

Hey! Hey! That's enough.

[DARREN'S iPhone starts to ring, echoing loudly in the church]

Oh, Christ... mate... put it on vibrate. Please.

Darren

Sorry. SORRY!

Ally

CAN ALL OF YOU SHUT... THE FU*K UP? AVA... SHUT UP. LUKE... SHUT THE FU*K UP. I AM TRYING TO TALK TO MY FU*KING DEAD FU*KING DAD AND NONE OF YOU WILL SHUT THE -

[DARREN'S iPhone begins to ring again]

Ally

DARREN! FU*K OFF WITH YOUR FU*KING PHONE AND YOUR FU*KING... FU*KING STUPID FU*KING WELLIES. AND YOUR USELESS FU*KING B -

[The word "balls" is drowned out by the sound of a speeding train sounding its horn]

Darren is forgiven and to show it, Ally gives him a hug. This display of affection confuses Luke who asks a perfectly normal question for a seven-year-old.

Luke

Is Mummy allowed to cuddle Darren?

Paul

Yeah. Mate, she's allowed to do anything she wants. But no. Not really.

Lenny is the class teddy bear at Luke's school. It's Luke's turn to document his adventures. But it's raining. And so Ally is reviewing his travels to date in the supplied scrapbook.

Ally

Christ. Lenny has really seen some places hasn't he? Jamaica, Sydney, Mumbai... Florence!

Paul

Yeah, that bear's had a better life than me.

Ally

You can't be jealous of a bear, Paul.

Paul

He's lived like fu*king Bono.

Ally

Maybe but... he doesn't have a penis.

Paul

Who? Bono?

Ally

Jealousy's a killer. You know that.

It's still raining. Paul was planning on combining Lenny's outing with a proposal in the park. But he needs his father's help if he's to make it happen. He briefs him. In the bathroom. Of all places.

Paul

I'm gonna ask Ally to marry me. Right? And there... there's a... ice cream place in the park.

Jim

McCready's.

Paul

Yup.

Jim

I had a nosebleed there once.

Paul

So.. me and Ally used to go there all the time when we were first together. It shut down last year but the guy has agreed to keep it open for thirty minutes this afternoon.

Jim

And you think the romance of the gesture this time will persuade her to say yes?

Paul

Yes. Exact... that was very emotionally literate, Dad.

Jim

I'm bustin' for a sh*t. It focuses the mind!

Paul is eager to get Ally and the kids (and his parents) to the park so that he can propose as planned. But the world is conspiring against him. Nothing is going right. Which is frustrating. Right?

Paul

Ally. Leave what you're doing, please. Let's get going.

Ally

NO! IT'S P*SSING IT DOWN OUTSIDE. JUST STOP IT!

Luke

Daddy...

Paul

What?

Luke

... I need another poo.

Paul

FU*K! Right. I'm going to the park to get a picture with this twat...

[He indicates LENNY, the bear]

... if it kills me. And all you fu*kers.

The proposal has been accepted. There's just enough time for Ally to perform an impromptu speech from the movie Notting Hill...

Ally

At the end of the day, Paul, I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him... to get in the fu*king car! Come on. Come on!

Luke has been misbehaving at school, culminating in his spitting at a classmate. Paul has an idea of how to resolve this without too much hassle and embarrassment.

Paul

You spat at someone?! You d*ck! Why would you do that?

Luke

You said not to touch anyone.

Paul

Right. Is... is this behaviour because you've picked up on what's happening with Mummy's work?

Luke

What's happening with Mummy's work?

Paul

Right.

[PAUL crouches conspiratorially and almost whispers]

Because if it is about that, right? We can tell the school that you're under stress. They won't punish you. They'll just talk to you. Softly. Is it because of that?

Luke

Yes. It is.

Paul

Good man. And if you keep upsetting other kids I'm gonna burn all your toys.

Why do all mothers do this? Embarrass their children by showing photographs of them naked on a rug or a beach? Regaling visitors with stories of incontinence or spontaneous masturbation? Stop it!

Jackie

I was convinced Paul was gonna be a girl. Yep. Convinced. Hundred percent. Instinct, intuition... whatever you call it. I bought all pink things. Little dresses. Then out he pops with his little prawn.

Jim

More like a Morgan Bay shrimp.

Paul

Can you not penis-shame me as a baby please? You actually do this quite a lot and it's just... it's just weird. Baby boys have small penises. A baby boy with a huge adult penis; then you'd have a worry.