14 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of Breeders (2020)

PLAY ALL 31 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Jackie and Jim (sounds like a children's book!) aren't technophiles. In fact, they're struggling to get anything but blue on their new TV. And no, that's not a euphemism for porn.

Jackie

Oh! Would you be able to plumb our new telly in? Jim had a go but all you get is blue stuff.

Paul

You mean porn?

Jackie

No, just... blue.

Ally isn't angry. Paul, however, is angry. Which is pretty much his default mode. He's either asleep or very, very angry.

Ally

I'm not angry.

Paul

I'm angry. If you're looking for someone who's angry, I'm fu*king angry.

Paul is having a heart-to-heart with his father about Luke. Luke is having some issues and he needs some advice from a trusted source on how to handle the situation.

Paul

He's not sleeping, he's not himself, his school work's all gone to sh*t and we can't help feeling it's our fault.

Jim

Well, it is.

Paul

Oh, thanks.

Jim

You know what I mean. Parents are always to blame. You blamed us when you failed your driving test.

Paul;

Did I?

Jim

Yes.

Paul

Why?

Jim

Fu*k alone knows!

Family time is important. Togetherness. Eating together, talking together, playing together. Even if it happens to be watching complete garbage on the TV together.

Paul

Since when were we the kind of family which retreats into separate rooms to look at separate screens?

Ally

We were never gonna be the Waltons.

Paul

I don't need us to be the Waltons, hon. I'd make do with the Munsters at this point. Or the fu*king Manson family. At least they had a shared interest.

Aren't parents embarrassing? Take Ava, for example. The last thing she needs at her Taekwondo class is her father mingling with other parents. Just sit at the back and watch with pride, Paul.

Ava

Dad... what are you doing?

Paul

I'm just saying hello.

Ava

Go sit down. We're starting.

Paul

Okay. I'm Paul.

George

George. How you doing? Your first time at Taekwondo?

Paul

Yes. It is, yeah.

Sabom

[Shouting to get the attention of the entire class]

RIGHT!

Paul

Fu*k me!

Sabom

Sorry about that, mate.

Paul

I mean...

Sabom

Right, everyone... we're going to start with a warm-up.

Is it just me or is Paul's insistence on spending "quality time" with his nearest and dearest starting to take on a distinctly desperate tone? I mean... Jesus!

Paul

How was your day?

Ally

Oh, you know... how about you?

Paul

Same. I got us all some fried chicken, though.

Ally

Ooh... greasy. I've missed eating out of a bucket.

Paul

I thought we could watch Dancing on Ice. Not live, you know... but beggars can't be choosers.

Ava

I might eat mine at the table if that's okay.

Paul

Uh, no... hang on. Hang on. Eat it on your lap in front of the telly.

Luke

Yeah, I was gonna go to my area.

Ally

We're all knackered, Paul.

Paul

No, come on... come on, no don't... just disperse. You know, we're a family. Why don't we, for once, just watch the same screen at the same time?

Ally

I'm not hugely in the mood, to be honest.

Ava

I've got homework.

George

Yeah, so have I.

Paul

FU*K HOMEWORK! WE'RE WATCHING TELLY. ALL RIGHT? I'M NOT ASKING MUCH. I'M NOT SAYING, "LET'S HAVE PARLOUR GAMES," OR PLAY TRIVIAL PURSUIT OR, OR... ROUNDERS. I AM ASKING... NO FU*KING ORDERING YOU SH*THOUSES TO SIT DOWN, EAT THIS BARELY WARM BATTERY CHICKEN AND LOOK... IN THE SAME... FU*KING DIRECTION!

It's a flashback to the unfortunate moment when Ally announced to Paul that she was pregnant with Ava. It didn't go quite as she intended to be honest. In any way, shape or form.

Ally

Paul? Paul.

Luke

Geddof!

Paul

Come here, mate. Oi! Behave yourself or there's no ice-cream until you're fifteen. Actually, that's a bit harsh.

Ally

Paul, I need to tell you something important.

Paul

Huh?

Ally

I'm pregnant.

Paul

Wow!

Ally

Why are you pulling that face?

Paul

What face? This is... literally what my face does. What face am I supposed to pull?

Ally

Well, I don't know. Happy? Mutual? Anything other than that sour fu*king grimace.

Paul

No, it's... it's just a shock, that's all. And I thought we'd agreed.

Ally

Agree... agreed what? What did we agree?

Paul

That we wouldn't have another one just yet.

Ally

Oh, I'm sorry it's such sh*t news. I'll go and have an abortion, shall I? What's Vera Drake's number?

Paul

I'm sorry. I'm... just taking it in. Luke nearly broke me, right? He's still... breaking me. I do love you, mate but you know it's true.

Ally

I've got a baby in me and do you know what it feels like to have you act like that's the worst news ever? No. Honestly.

Paul

Ally...

Ally

No.

Paul

Um...

Back to the present. Ally hasn't told Paul that she's pregnant. And, as it turns out, she doesn't need to. He's guessed. The clues were all there...

Waiter

Can I get you guys anything to drink?

Paul

Uh... um, yeah, I'll have a pint of Peroni.

Ally

Just a fizzy water, thanks.

Paul

So... you're pregnant.

Ally

What?

Paul

I've never been out for a meal with you where you haven't had wine unless you were pregnant or breastfeeding.

Ally

Really?

Paul

It has... literally never happened. I've also... picked up on some other clues. You being... mental, for a start.

Ally

Listen, this is our first date night out in months -

Paul

Yeah.

Ally

- and we've got, what... three hours before Mum finishes her third bottle and falls asleep with the dead-lock on, so there is a hard deadline.

Paul

Yeah, fu*king hell, um... a baby. I mean, a baby... that is... a very big deal.

Ally

Yeah, no... I... I know, and I know... I know we need to get into this but before that, if at all possible, I would love to order a really complicated pizza and eat the whole thing very, very quickly whilst we b**ch about people we pretend to like.

Do all men in their forties get tits? Man tits? Because, if so, I'm bucking the trend. And the day I start to get drooping pecks, I might have to do something drastic involving exercise or surgery.

Ally

Uh, I've just been feeling... weird as balls, just like... really odd.

Paul

The whole thing is... just daft. You're... you're definitely sure you're pregnant?

Ally

Yes. I've been collecting pregnancy tests like they're fu*king Pokémon.

Paul

And... and this one... is it making you feel the same kind of weird as Luke and Ava did? Or -

Ally

I... I can't remember... the whole thing is... is weird. Isn't it? I mean, growing a... human inside you is nuts. And you know that Ava made me go the most mental when she was born. It's like this... tiny vampire sucking my life out through my tits. Uh...

Paul

I know. I mean, it was tough. I mean, of course, I don't have... tits so I can't fully appreciate your -

Ally

Well...

Paul

What does that m... you think I've got tits?

Ally

It just... it happens to men in their forties. "Oh! Look at these! I've suddenly got some tits!"

Paul

Fu*k you!

Ally

[Laughs]

An overly-complicated method of assessing one's feelings towards pregnancy is never a good idea, Paul. Ally is NOT a pendulum. She's your wife.

Ally

I'm having doubts.

Paul

Baby doubts?

Ally

Yeah. I mean, not as in small doubts, as in... doubts about the baby, um... I'm not sure if I want this baby.

Paul

Okay. That is a perfectly reasonable thing to think. Well, if you were a pendulum -

Ally

Hm-mm.

Paul

- right? With sure and not sure either side of you, what angle would you be at right now?

Ally

Um, s-sorry, where are you measuring the angle from?

Paul

The middle.

Ally

And which way is the pendulum going?

Paul

Either way, innit? That's... that's the point. You're the pendulum.

Ally

Right, so if I s... if I say thirty degrees, is that thirty degrees towards the side that I'm in favour of or towards the other side?

Paul

No, it's towards... you're making this unnecessarily complicated.

Ally

No, you are. You haven't explained any of the... of the... essential -

Paul

Right, fine. Shh shh, it's all right.

Ally

- components.

Paul

It's fine. It's not a problem. Bad idea.

[There's a pregnant pause - no pun intended]

Ally

Twenty degrees.

Paul

Right. Which way?

Ally

I dunno.

Paul

Fu*k's sake. That's -

Ally

[Pointing to her right]

That way. Um...

Paul

What way was that?

Ally

I dunno.

Paul

Fu*k me ragged!

In vitro fertilisation is not a glamorous procedure. It involves a needle, drugs, centrifugal equipment and large syringes. So you can understand why Paul is slightly more excited than Ally.

Paul

Egg harvesting soon.

Ally

Oh... fu*king joy!

Paul

No, I just... I just meant, it's a minor procedure.

Ally

Minor? You try having a needle shoved up your vagina.

Paul

I meant minor as in... it's twenty minutes. I mean, I know you're doing the donkey-work here.

Ally

Hmm-mm.

Paul

Right? And you're right. I... wouldn't want to have a needle shoved up my vagina but... I promise you... it will be worth it.

Ally

Will it?

Paul

Yes.

A flashback to Paul and Ally viewing their family home for the first time. Wandering freely and deciding what each room might one day become. Sex rooms, mainly, it would appear.

Paul

As you see, these stairs are... designed.

Ally

Oh, wow... but are they bespoke?

Paul

They're the bespokiest stairs known to human-kind.

Ally

Oh... bespoke like a mother-fu*ker.

Paul

So this is... the... sex room.

Ally

Really? Is it?

Paul

Let's see the rest of the house first, though. So... in there... sex room. Uh... here is another... sex room. Yeah, if you ever feel the need... for more.

Ally

Very sensible. What about upstairs?

Paul

Oh, that is a home office.

Ally

Ohhh...

Paul

I'm kidding. It's a sex room.

Ally

Yay!

There's been a power cut. The house is in darkness. And can Paul find a single candle? Of course not. Which leads to this awkward exchange with his own mother.

Paul

Sh*t... fu*k's sake. Horse c*cks. How can we not have any candles?

Jim

We had candles on all the time in the seventies. Power always seemed to be off.

Leah

Yes, in hindsight it seemed to be romantic but I don't think it was, though.

Alex

No. There was nothing terribly sexy about walking into a glass coffee table.

Jackie

Ooh, I dunno. There's bound to be sites on the internet about it. Everything's porn to someone these days.

Paul

Yeah, all right, Mum. Anyway, I wouldn't Google porn and glass coffee tables.

Jacob is Luke's best (and only) friend. They get on like a house on fire and Luke has even managed to introduce his new bestie to the world of Two-Tone. Whatever that is.

Luke

Jacob says he thinks I've been looking really cool lately.

Paul

Well, you are, mate.

Luke

And he says thanks for getting me into Two-Tone 'cos it meant I was able to get him into Two-Tone. And he loves it.

Paul

Well, it's great music. No, fu*k it... it's the best music. Hands down. And that includes everyone. Mozart... you know, all... all those twats and if there's anything you wanna hear that I don't have, right? Log onto my account as me, download it -

Luke

Feels good to have introduced Jacob to something. You know... cultural.

Paul

Hmm-mm.

Luke

It's usually the other way around.

Paul

Yeah, well, I'm glad he likes it as much as you.

Luke

Thanks, Dad. Really.

Paul

You are welcome, mate. That's what dads are for. You know, introducing you to music you might not have heard and hoping you fall in love with it.

Luke

Did Grandad do that with you?

Paul

Fu*k no! That man listened to wall-to-wall bollocks!