7 MP3 Audio clips from Caddyshack (1980)

PLAY ALL 7 CLIPS

Clip 1

Caddies are either striving for a college scholarship or want to be golf pros. Danny? He just wants a scholarship and he's dropping hints like they're hot.

Ty

What are you supposed to be?

Danny

An underachiever.

Ty

[Laughs]

Danny

I gotta go to college. I gotta.

Ty

Oh, Danny. This isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia, is it?

Danny

No.

Ty

I didn't think so. No, the thing is really... uh, do you wanna go to college?

Danny

Oh, in Nebraska? Besides, it costs like eight-thousand dollars a year.

Ty

Hold on, Danny, all right? I think I let you what... two-fifty yesterday? I can't foot the bill for everything around here. Just don't ask for money.

Danny

It's just that my Dad, he can't afford it. I haven't even told him about the scholarship I didn't get. I'm gonna end up working in a lumber yard the rest of my life.

Ty

What's wrong with lumber? I own two lumber yards.

Danny

I notice you don't spend too much time there.

Ty

I'm not sure where they are.

Danny

Oh.

Clip 2

Lou has an announcement. An announcement which is of particular interest to Danny.

Lou Loomis

Right. One announcement. Carl Lipbaum died last week in summer school from a severe anxiety attack. That means the caddy scholarship is available again... and anyone who's interested should go see Judge Smails.

Caddy

And kiss his ass!

Lou Loomis

That would help.

Clip 3

Judge Smails is the big cheese of Bushwood Country Club whilst Ty is a sleeper. He could easily turn pro but he's just not that interested.

Judge Smails

Ty.

Ty

Mm-hmm.

Judge Smails

What did you shoot today?

Ty

Oh, I don't keep score, Judge.

Judge Smails

Oh, well... how do you measure yourself with other golfers?

Ty

By height.

Judge Smails

You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. He's been club champion for three years running... and I'm no slouch myself.

Ty

Don't sell yourself short, Judge. You're a tremendous slouch.

Clip 4

If you're the kind of moron who finds racist jokes funny, why not do it out of earshot of those you're offending?

Judge Smails

Oh, say, Fred! Have you heard the latest one? About the Jew, the Catholic and the coloured boy who went to heaven.

Bishop

[Laughs hysterically]

Yeah. That's a doozy, Judge.

Smoke

[Overhearing the joke]

Coloured boy? Why you son of a b**ch, I'll fix you, you...

[He begins grinding JUDGE SMAIL'S shoes until sparks are flying off the buffer, laughing manically as he does so]

Clip 5

Carl Spackler is special. Special. You know what I'm saying? I mean he's not playing with a full deck. He's not even at the card table. He's out there. Somewhere.

Carl Spackler

I smell varmint poontang. And the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang.

Clip 6

If you're doing well at college, it's probably best not to get caught night-putting with the fifteen-year-old daughter of the Dean. I've never called it heard that before, either!

Ty

What do you wanna go to college for, Danny?

Danny

I don't know.

Ty

Let me tell you a little story. I once knew a guy who could have been a great golfer. Could have gone pro. All he needed was a little time and some practice. He decided to go to college instead. He went for four years. He did pretty well. At the end of his four years, his last semester, he was kicked out. You know what for? He was night-putting. Just putting at night. With the 15-year-old daughter of the Dean.

Clip 7

Ty is always ready with a quick, witty comeback. Even when doing so might hinder his chances of scoring. If you catch my drift.

Lacey

My uncle says you've got a screw loose.

Ty

Oh yeah? Your uncle molests collies!