14 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of Derek (2012)

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Derek has been having a conversation with Annie about where babies come from. Not the usual, "when a mummy loves a daddy very much, they have a special cuddle...", but far more detailed.

Kev

Vagina, uterus, cervix... these are a few of my favourite things.

Derek

What else?

Kev

Clitoris, cum and flaps. Beaverrrrrrrrrr. Beaverrrrrrrrrr. Labia, labia, labia, labia, lab-i-a. I'm walking down the street with a bag of dildos. Perin-e-ummmmmmmmmm. And a butt plug.

Nobody likes Geoff. He's like Walter Mitty if Walter Mitty was a complete and utter pr**k.

Geoff

You've got to be able to work under pressure, mate. You gotta be able to...

Dougie

Listen, I've worked under pressure, Geoff.

Geoff

When I was in the army, you've got to be doing this, that, you've gotta be running, you've gotta be carrying your gun, you've gotta be aware where the enemy are, you've gotta be...

Dougie

You getting that?

[He sniffs the air for a few seconds]

BULLSH*T!

[He plugs in the device he's been re-wiring and promptly electrocutes himself]

Derek is quite right. Physical photographs are becoming obsolete and that's a real shame because there's nothing quite like flicking through an album full of happy memories. Not the same on an iPhone.

Derek

There's no real pictures any more, though. It's all digitals. How can we get real pictures for it?

Kev

I can print them out, mate.

Derek

How?

Kev

I'll save them all on the desktop. Print them out the exact size for that little book.

Derek

Excellent.

Kev

When half your adult life has been dedicated to internet porn, you pick up a few things. And, for once, I do not mean genital warts.

Tom and Hannah are trying for a baby. They're being pretty scientific and unromantic about it and this has been noticed by everybody. Including Derek.

Derek

Tom! She's ovulating. You'd better go and do it.

[Tom and Hannah slip off together, somewhat awkwardly]

Annie

You can use my room if you're quick.

Derek

Are you gonna be quick?

Kev

I'll time it if you want.

Derek

Yeah! Time it. Interesting. Starting now.

Kev

Yeah.

Derek

How long do you think it'll take?

Kev

It takes me about an hour.

Derek

Why?

Kev

Fifty-eight minutes of that is masturbating.

The home is currently recruiting a new caretaker. And Kev has decided to apply. He just needs to get dry, get clean and... oh, let's be honest, that's never going to happen, is it?!

Hannah

Yeah, I said Kev could go for the job if he cleans his act up.

Kev

Yeah, actually... question...

Hannah

Mmm?

Kev

...regarding that topic. If I do clean my act up, you know... do all the washing bullsh*t, stop the booze... and it doesn't work out between you and Tom, would you go out with me?

Hannah

No.

Kev

Well, actually, I should explain that by "go out with", you know, I mean sexual intercourse. No strings attached. Now answer.

Hannah

No.

Kev

Reasons, please?

Hannah

Well... I think that you would be better suited to going out with a woman who hasn't seen you suck Special Brew that's been spilt on the carpet or seen you naked in bed with an old lady or sh*t yourself in a meeting.

Kev

Okay, so it's a no to full-on sex. But...

Hannah

No!

Kev

...no, hold on, hold on...

Hannah

Well, it'll be no.

Kev

...there's some other stuff we can do. Handjobs?

Hannah

No.

Kev

Gob job.

Hannah

No.

Kev

Foot job?

Hannah

No.

Kev

Would you be interested in a Boob-a-thon?

Hannah

What is that?

Kev

Well, I don't know... it's me bashing those things around for God knows how long.

Derek, Kev and the residents of Broad Hill are watching their favourite TV channel. Which, in light of recent revelations, is somewhat sinister in retrospect.

Derek

Challenge TV. Do you know it? It's all the old quiz shows. Just over and over again. Which is brilliant 'cos we don't remember the answers from the first time around. We likes 'em all. This is my favourite... Celebrity Squares.

Kev

Ahhh, if only we knew back then what we know now, Derek.

Derek

What?

Kev

That whole diagonal line. Kiddie-fiddlers.

Derek

Are any of them still alive?

Kev

Yeah, the one with the puppet's still prowling about.

Some conversations with grandparents can be awkward. And some can be positively cringe. Take this one for example. No man should ever have to discuss his testicles with his grandmother. Ever.

Annie

I hope you're keeping your testicles cool.

[Tom clears his throat and fidgets awkwardly in his chair]

It helps with fertility. You keep 'em cool and you get balls full of healthy semen.

Tom

Thanks, Nan.

Annie

Always willing to help.

Tom

All right.

Annie

Do remember that.

Tom

Yeah, I'm never going to forget that.

Annie

And don't wear tight underpants...

Tom

OKAY!

Annie

...'cos it keeps 'em all hot and scrunched up.

Tom

Yeah, I get the gist. Thank you.

Kev has finally been to his first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and he's telling Derek and Hannah all about his progress. Which, of course, means that awkward is never far away!

Kev

It's a twelve step programme which involves keeping a diary, helping people and apologising for any little wrong-doings. And, if you don't mind, I'd like to start off with this little lady, here. Hannah... I apologise.

Hannah

What for?

Kev

For many years, I've been having carnal thoughts about you which have increased in depravity over the last six months. And I'm deeply, deeply sorry.

Hannah

I don't wanna know.

Kev

Well, you have to. It's for my health. Would you like to hear the fantasy?

Hannah

No.

Derek

You've got to. It's for his health.

Kev

Thank you, Derek. Let me set the scene. It's your office, it's late at night, you're at your desk and you're doing admin. I appear at the door in my little briefs. I'm rock-hard and ready for action. And it's twitching away like a meerkat on guard. You look up, you take in my member and you look down again. I wipe my feet, I move over to the desk, I lean in and attempt to take that tabard off. You pull back, twist round and continue with admin.

Hannah

What, so... ev... even in your dream I still...

Kev

Reject me, yeah.

Hannah

Reject you, yeah.

Kev

Yeah, I then make my way behind the wardrobe and in the saddest way possible, I finish myself off.

Hannah

I haven't got a wardrobe in my office.

Kev

It's a fantasy!

Vicky is arriving for her shift. She's having a lover's tiff with her current boyfriend outside. And we get to enjoy every word of abuse she shouts at him!

Vicky

FU*K OFF, THEN YOU PR**K AND GO AND SHAG SOMEONE ELSE! SEE IF I CARE! YOU'RE A D*CKHEAD! OH, FU*K OFF WILL YA?

[Regaining her composure as she enters the room]

Morning!

Hannah

Morning.

Annie

Morning.

Hannah

Anthony's asked Annie out on a date.

Vicky

Oh, fu*k, men are all d*ckheads. The lot of 'em. They're all pr**k's ain't they? Where's he taking you?

Annie

A restaurant.

Vicky

Oh, that's nice, innit? Do you want me to do your hair?

Annie

Would you? Thank you.

Hannah

Is that your new beau, then?

Vicky

Yeah.

Hannah

What happened to Tattoo Face?

Vicky

I got an upgrade, all right? But he's as big a d*ck as the last one. So...

Kev

So.

Vicky

You all right?

Kev

You like bad boys, eh? Look no further.

Vicky

Yeah, there's bad then there's bad isn't there?

Kev

Explain...

Vicky

Well... there's bad like a lion. Like, he's big and scary and handsome but he's dangerous so, like, you might get hurt. There's that bad. Then there's bad like a... like a massive bucket of sh*t and p*ss and beer and fag-butts and all the rest of it and everyone can smell it. No-one wants to touch it. Not under any circumstances. There's that bad.

Kev

And I'm the bucket, yeah? Nice analogy. Well explained.

Derek, with the encouragement of Kev, is trying his hand at a little internet dating. Kev has set up a profile for him and is now scouring the site for would-be matches, when...

Derek

He's set up my profile page on Sweethearts Online. A dating website.

Hannah

Oh...

Derek

That's me... Derek Noakes, that's my picture, that's all the stuff about me and I just waits for ladies to want to go... that's all the ladies what are available...

Kev

You've got Claire...

Derek

Yeah.

Kev

...Rachel.

Derek

Yeah.

[There's a pregnant pause as Kev processes what he's just seen]

Kev

It's Janice! It's my Janice! It's my Janice!

Derek

You... you sure it's definitely her?

Kev

Yes, I am sure it's my Janice. I took that picture when we were at the funfair. She's smiling there because I'd just chucked one up her behind the ghost train. Look at that. Status. Single. That's nice. That's nice. Weight... hundred and th... hundred and thirty pounds? She's got a hundred and thirty pounds in her pants!

Tom doesn't want to hear this. Nobody wants to imagine their grandmother... you know... making the beast with two backs, do they? Better to imagine your parents were immaculately conceived, I say.

Kev

Good news. What a game bird your Gran still is. Naughty Nanna.

Tom

What?

Kev

Well, she's mowed the lawn, mate... ready for the tea party.

Tom

What does that mean?

Hannah

Nothing.

Kev

Well, she's cleared the runway, mate. Ready for landing.

Hannah

Tea? Do you want a cup of tea?

Tom

What are you talking about?

Kev

She's had all her pubes removed so it's lovely and smooth down there.

Hannah

Oh, God.

Kev

A completely hairless, shiny minge.

Tom

Fu*k sake! Stop going on about my Nan's bald fanny.

Hannah

[To camera]

That!

Kev

All right, mate. Calm down. I haven't seen it myself.

Tom

Good. You're not even supposed to think about it.

Kev

Are you not curious, at all?

Tom

Not in the slightest.

Kev

Well, I am. If you don't mind, I'm gonna start imagining it. Like a naked mole rat yawning.

Tom

Oh, for fu*k's sakes!

Annie has been on her date with Anthony. And they've now retired to bed. Together. Which Kev can't help but imagine. Thing is, he hasn't yet learned to use his "inner voicer".

Kev

Naughty, naughty Nanna. Mole rat is getting its supper.

[Adopting a ridiculous, high-pitched, cartoon-like voice]

Ahhhhh! I'm full!

Vicky has met and given her phone number to a young zoo keeper during a day out with the residents of Broad Hill. He's a keeper. A gentleman.

Vicky

Hey, Sheila. You'll be well proud of me. He's a nice one. Proper gentlemam.

Sheila

Well, make sure you let him know you're a lady.

Vicky

Don't worry Sheila. If I get the chance I'm going to lady his fu*king brains out!

Derek has finally hit pay dirt in his on-line search for love and he's all set for a date. Of course, Geoff can't help himself. He has to try to ruin it. The pr**k.

Geoff

Can't believe you're going on a date when your Dad's ill.

Derek

Should I not go?

Hannah

Of course you should go, Derek. Geoff, could you do me a favour?

Geoff

Yeah.

Hannah

Shut the fu*k up!