12 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of The Fast Show (1994)

PLAY ALL 26 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

The joy of group therapy sessions is that your fellow members will listen attentively to your issues. Unless they're desperate for a beer, that is.

Woman

And I was twelve when I discovered I was adopted. Um, my... real parents hadn't wanted me, apparently. Um, it's... it's pretty hard dealing with those feelings of rejection when you're that young. And then when I was fifteen my adoptive parents abandoned me as well. And since then I've really felt pretty alone. And now Robin says he wants to leave me too. You know, and I just don't know what to do. Everything's falling apart. Everything is -

Man 1

Does anyone fancy a pint? Only I'm gasping.

Man 2

Go on then!

Man 1

Lovely!

This sketch is filmed in the style of a gritty New York film noir crime drama but it has a funny twist. All of the characters have unpronounceable names!

Chief

Yeah?

Tony

Afternoon, sir.

Chief

Glad you could make it. Now, you two guys'll be workin' together on this one. Johnny, I want you to meet Officer DeBerzin... DeBerznik... Officer DeBroo... DeBirk... DeBuk... DeBarskity... this guy.

Tony

Tony.

[He and JOHNNY shake hands]

Narrator

The Unpronounceables.

Chief

Right, Tony... I want you to meet my right hand man. This is Johnny Gwalskio... Johnny Walksi...

Johnny

It's, er, W-w-wehowaz... W-w-wejay... W-jeywuz...

Chief

Johnny Wal... Wirl... Wirrilwiz? Wait, I got an idea - let me call my secretary.

[He uses the intercom on his desk]

Miss Chencho... Miss Cho... Miss Cheche... Chung-Chek...

Secretary

What is it, Lieutenant McCork..., McCofa...

Chief

Ah, forget it. Here's to your future in crime-bustin', boys!

Tony

It's an honour to be working with ya, and a great privilege to be working for the fffbee.

Chief

The "Fffbee?"

Johnny

The ffebe...

Tony

ffih...

Chief

How d'you spell that?

Tony

Phoebe.

Johnny

EFF-BEE-EYE.

Chief

Doesn't sound right to me.

Paola Fisch is the Spanish weathergirl portrayed by the late, great and amazingly funny Caroline Aherne. Her catchphrase? SCORCHIO!

Paola

Hello! Classicos de para dos meterology a Valley Portos... scorchio! In lea por notra anterior... scorchio! E nu como a ta exterior... scorchio! Manto Blanco... scorchio! Coasta... scorchio! Metorologicos mañana...

[She turns the weather board to reveal the same on the other side]

Oh - scorchio!

Newsreader 1

Mmm - scorchio!

Newsreader 2

Brrrr-rrrr!

Introducing Profesor Denzil Dexter of the University of Southern California. He's a stoner and really shouldn't be wasting public money in this way. It's almost criminal.

Denzil

We took four cardboard tubes, the kind of tube you'd find in a regular brand of household toilet tissue and then proceeded to place them on the floor, making four columns equidistantly, thus.

[He arranges four tubes on the floor]

We wanted to test if these cardboard tubes would support the average body weight of a human man.

[He stands on the tubes which, predictably, crumple under foot]

No!

Unlucky Alf is a widower and the unluckiest man in England. Everything he touches turns to sh*t and he can't even get himself a pet without there being complications.

Alf

Ah've just bought meself a parrot. Something to keep me company now that ah'm on me own. Though knowin' my luck it prob'ly won't say owt.

Parrot

Wa*ker! Wa*ker! Wa*ker! Twat! Twat! Twat! You twat! Twat! Twat! Twat!

We've all met couples like it. They just can't help themselves, can they? They HAVE to spark up a conversation when all you want to do is enjoy your journey in peace.

Renee

Oh, you're going to Turkey? Oh, you lucky thing! Oh, we've been to Turkey, meself and Roy. 1990 we went to Turkey, '91 - Turkey, '92 - Turkey, '93 - Morecambe. Ooh, it's norra patch on Turkey though, is it, Roy? Oh, I said it's not got the same atmosphere. What did I say, Roy?

Roy

It's not got the same atmosphere.

Renee

Oh, but I got a really d*cky tummy on the Wednesday. I said, "Ooh, Roy - me tummy's off!" What did I say, Roy?

Roy

She said she could'a sh*t through the eye of a needle.

Renee

I did not say I could "sh*t through the eye of a needle", Roy.

Ken & Kenneth are tailors. Pervy tailors who just can't help but turn every conversation with a customer into one about sex.

Ken

Ooh, suit you, sir.

Kenneth

Suit you, sir.

Ken

Ooh, suit you, sir.

Kenneth

Were you out with a lady last night, sir?

Ken

Ooh, did she want it, sir?

Kenneth

Did she, sir?

Ken

Did she?

Kenneth

Did she want it, sir?

Ken

Ooh, suit you, sir.

Kenneth

Suit you, sir.

Ken

Ooh!

Professor Denzil Dexter is back with yet another bizarre experiment. This time he's heating up and drinking bear urine. I know, right?

Denzil

Using a Bunsen burner, we heated this beaker of bear's urine to 37 degrees centigrade. That's human body temperature.

[DENZIL takes a sip of the stuff from the beaker]

It tastes revolting! Now Dave with sub-vectors. Dave...

One of the best bits of The Fast Show are the easter eggs they save for the end credits. This one was especially brilliant.

Narrator

Don't miss on next week's show, "The Cheery Milkman".

[We cut to a milkman, leaning out of his milk float which is matching an elderly lady in speed and direction]

Milkman

Morning Mrs. B. I've left you two as usual! Shame about that nice Mrs. Cox, wannit? In the maisonettes? It was three weeks before they found her. There were milk bottles piling up outside - I couldn't get any more in the porch. They had to cut 'er off the mattress. Still, never mind!

When an engaged couple attend Suit You to find a suitable, er... suit for their wedding, little do they know that there's some pure filth in store for them.

Ken

Will you be giving her a seeing-to tonight, sir?

Customer

Pardon?

Kenneth

The young lady, sir. Will you be giving her a seeing-to, sir?

Customer

I don't think that's any of your business!

Kenneth

No, of course not, sir. How clever of you to have noticed, sir.

Ken

Yes, really, Ken, it's quite inappropriate. None of our business if he's up all night rogering the tart, is it, sir?

Customer

I think we should try another place!

Kenneth

Would sir like to sit down?

[KEN and KENNETH place chairs behind the couple and push them down onto them]

Ken

Does sir have a honeymoon hotel booked?

Customer

Well, I...

Kenneth

Ooh, will it be the bridal suite, sir?

Ken

Ooh, I do hope so, sir. Will it be the bridal?

Kenneth

No, he'll just hold her by the ears. Ooh, sorry, sir. Old joke, sir. Just slipped it in, sir.

Ken

You'll be slipping it in tonight, won't you, sir? Ooh, suit you!

Kenneth

Suits you, sir!

Ken

Can I watch, sir?

Kenneth

May I take pictures, sir?

Ken

Ooh! Suit you!

Kenneth

Suit you, sir.

Bride

Oh, go on, let them.

Ken & Kenneth

Ooh! Suits you, madam!

Ron Manager is typical of many 1990s football pundits who popped up on Match of the Day to spout unbelievable bullsh*t about the game for hours.

Ron Manager

Mmm. Arr. Yes. Marvellous, isn't it? You know, wasn't it? Cor! First half to die for, you know. Angles? Through-balls? Popping up out of nowhere to slot it under the advancing keeper's body? Phew! All skills learnt in the park? You know, small boys? Jumpers for goalposts? Mmm? Secretly rolling the ball in dog's muck and getting your friend to head it? Hmm? Enduring image, isn't it? Enduring smell.

Presenter

Sadly though, the first half ruined by that ugly, off the ball incident.

Tommy Stein

Oh, that's the game all over these days. I mean, you've got to win at all costs.

Ron Manager

Ooh, yes, it's the money men, isn't it? You know, the "Mister Ten Percenters" running the game? Phew! Far cry from small boys in the park, jumpers for goalposts, three and in, showing their willies to each other, isn't it?

Presenter

Yes, thank you, Ron. If we could return to football for a moment.

Ron Manager

Football? Twenty two grown men chasing a ball round a muddy field? Football? What's it for? Who cares? Phh! You know. Hmph! Trees, are they the lungs of the planet? Is there life on Mars? Ziggy played guitar. Is there any future? Is it all over? Hard to say, really. My wife's left me!

The Valiant Breed (1958) isn't a real film. But it should be. It's got everything you need in a wartime drama. But with slightly less family-friendly language.

Officer

Right, chaps, here's the gen. Someone's got to run up that gulley, chuck a hand grenade through the slit, and take out that damn pill-box.

Soldier 1

Well, I ain't goin'!

Soldier 2

Bollocks to that!

Soldier 3

Don't look at me!

Officer

Oh, come on, chaps! Where's your spunk? I need someone to run up the gulley, and take out the damn pill-box.

Soldier 1

You bloody do it, then!

Soldier 2

Yeah, go on, sir!

Soldier 3

You go!

Officer

Fu*k off!