9 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of The Fast Show (1994)

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Jesse's Diets. Hard to explain but imagine a stereotypical British farmer stepping out of a shed to announce what weird-ass food stuff he's been "mostly" eating this week.

Jesse

This week, I have been mostly eating... roasted chickens.

It's Bob Fleming. He introduces a fictitious series entitled "Country Matters". But Bob has a cough. And his guest, Jed, has Tourette's Syndrome.

Bob

Hello there!

[BOB goes into a uncontrollable coughing fit after only two words of the script which is when JED kicks open the door and enters carrying a stuffed sheep under his arm]

Jed

ARSE! ARSE! ARSE! ARSE! ARSE! ARSE!

Bob

Was that all right then, Nick?

It's "That's Amazing" with Carl Hooper - a no-nonsense Aussie with a track record of attracting frankly ridiculous guests.

Carl

G'day. And welcome to That's Amazing with me, Carl Hooper. What would you do if you were walking down the road one night and you came face-to-face with a monster? That's right... a terrifying monster. Well, Dick Wellington here did just that. He came face-to-face with his wife! No! So, tell us about your monster d*ck.

[The audience laugh as what CARL said sinks in]

Tell us about your monster, Dick.

It's Roy and Renee again. On a plane. Again. And this time it's the stewardess who's about to get trapped by the pair.

[A stewardess brings ROY and RENEE a cup of tea or coffee on a tray]

Renee

Oh, thanks Love. That's great. Oh, I'd have loved to be an air hostess, you know. I would. Such a glamorous life, you know, jetting off all over the place, serving businessmen with tea. Do you know what Roy thinks? He thinks you're just waitresses. Trolley Dollies he calls ya. What do you call 'em, Roy?

Roy

Trolley Dollies.

Renee

He's funny, Roy in't he? When we got on the plane, I said to Roy, "Ooh, don't the Air Hostesses look lovely in those posh uniforms?" And do you know what Roy said? He said, "They're all caked in make-up." What did you say, Roy?

Roy

They're all caked in make-up.

Renee

He's really observant, Roy... y'know. He sees everything... visually. But my friend Gloria, she said that pilots marry air hostesses. And I said, "Some of them do, Gloria. But... some of them are... gay. Which is fine." What did I say, Roy?

Roy

They're all poofs and lezzies.

Renee

You lying bastard, Roy. I hope we crash!

Imagine being a voice-over artist recording an Audio Description track when you're really not interested in the programme you're narrating. Can you imagine that? Good. Here goes, then...

V/O Artist

The sun rises behind the hills of Africa, turning the sky blood red. Flamingos wade in a lake. The animals of the Serengeti are waking up. An elephant raises its trunk and throws dust across its back. A very large bird flies in the air... from left... to right. Some antelopes... jump about a bit. Boing! Boing! Boing! Four birds now... five birds... s... lots of birds soar in the sky above. Ah! That's more like it. A cheetah. Is that a cheetah or a leopard? I can't remember how you tell the difference. No, it's plains... so that will be a cheetah. Yes, a chee... ooh, look at him go! Apparently a cheetah can accelerate - oh. No. Not more bloody birds. The only thing less interesting than birds are plants. Oh, here we go! It was only a matter of time, wasn't it? The bloody rain forests. Now I suppose I've got to tell you about how an area the size of Wales is destroyed every day. Blah, blah, blah...

Ken & Kenneth are clearly moonlighting. Tonight, they're waiters at an exclusive restaurant. But they haven't changed their... frankly filthy ways.

Ken

Hello. Good evening, sir. You're looking radiant tonight, sir.

Male Diner

Thank you.

Ken

Can I get a drink for you and your – ahem – wife, sir?

Male Diner

This IS my wife.

Ken

Course she is, sir. Suit you, sir. They always are, aren't they, sir?

Male Diner

No, she is.

Ken

That's what sir always says, sir.

Male Diner

I've never been here before.

Ken

Oh, I see! Forgive me, sir. I understand.

Male Diner

That's all right.

Ken

[To FEMALE DINER]

May I recommend the halibut?

[Conspiratorially to MALE DINER]

May I say, sir, you're a very lucky man. Your wife's a very beautiful lady. Oh! Suit you, sir!

Male Diner

Thank you.

Ken

Expect you can't keep your hands off her. You bang her brains out, don't you, sir? I expect, after a heavy session, she looks like this in the morning, doesn't she, sir?

[KEN pulls a face like a dazed, vacant animal]

Male Diner

I beg your pardon?

Ken

[To FEMALE DINER]

The Coquilles Newburg is very good today.

Female diner

Er...what's that?

Ken

Scallops. Do you like shellfish, madam? Oh! Oysters! Suit you! Oh! Do you chew or swallow?

Female diner

I swallow.

Ken

Suit you, sir!

Male diner

So what about these scallops, then?

Ken

The tenderest, juiciest scallops dropped into foaming butter, cooked lovingly and gently so they remain firm, plump and pinky–white.

Female diner

[Begins making lots of noises one might associate with sexual ecstasy as KEN describes the food]

Ken

Drizzle on brandy, Madeira. Oh, creme fraiche, truffles! Oh! Suit you!

Male Diner

Can we move on to the dessert?

Ken

Already there, sir! Frisson de Chocolat – layers of wafer–thin, silky Belgian chocolate... Oh! Cappuccino ice–cream, double–whipped cream, caramel, Grand Marnier. Oh, oh! Topped with candied black cherries and a dark, dark chocolate sauce! Oh! Suit you! Oh!

Female Diner

Yes!

Male Diner

What about today's special, then?

Kenneth

[Appearing from beneath the table and about to explain why the man's wife has been making orgasmic noises for the past minute or so]

Tongue, sir!

Welcome to "English Country Cooking" where the food is plain and the guests are... well... perverts, quite frankly.

[As the theme music plays we hear manic, hearty laughter]

Leslie

Welcome once again to "English Country Cooking". Now, one of the things that's constantly amazed me in this series has been the range of locally-grown ingredients. And today we'll be looking at herbs. Gavin.

Gavin

Thank you, Leslie. Now, I'm going to have a fair few little plants in this very simple English chicken stew. Now, the first one here is rosemary. And she's a difficult little one to grow. She's very difficult. Er... she likes a bit of shade so, uh... I put her up against a wall. She likes it, er... she likes it up against the wall.

Leslie

And that one's thyme, in't it?

Gavin

Oh, that's right. This is thyme, yes. She's a wild little tearaway plant. You... you have to keep her in check, you know. You have to be very firm with her, very firm. She understands that.

Leslie

And this one?

Gavin

Firmness! Firmness! Yes. Ah, now, that's marjoram. She's a pretty little thing, isn't she? Look at the little head bobbing there, like that. Now you can recognise marjoram by this sort of little green fringe in 'ere. It's almost like she were wearing a little dress, in't it? A tight little skirt!

Leslie

Right, yes. And, er, what are we gonna be doing with all these lovely aromatic herbs? My mouth's watering already!

Gavin

Yes, that's what they do to you, in't it They make you think you can have them. They make you WANT them. And then, at the last minute, they say no!

Leslie

And what else are you going to be putting in the stew?

Gavin

Little teases, aren't they?! They push you so far...

Leslie

Chicken?

Gavin

Chicken. That's right, chicken. Now, you get a good, fresh chicken, like this lassie here. You want a big one! Look at the breast on that, eh? The breast on that! You want one that looks at you in a certain way as if it says, "I've been around, I know the score." You want a WHORE! A WHORE!

Leslie

What will you be doing with the chicken?

Gavin

Well, she's asking for it so I'll be stuffing her. Stuffing time! Stuffing time!

Leslie

That'll do! That'll do!

Gavin

STUFFING!

Leslie

CUT!

Imagine being seated between these two on a flight? I'd be frantically searching the seat pocket for a stray cyanide capsule or razor blade.

Renee

But what he don't like about planes, he don't like the small toilets on the planes. What don't you like, Roy?

Roy

The small toilets.

Renee

See... with him being on the big side, he likes a lot of room, toilet-wise. You know. OH! One year, he were on the toilet from Gatwick to Magaluf. He missed out on the whole Pyrenees. You know, he was gutted. What were you, Roy?

Roy

Relieved.

Renee

Relieved and gutted I think, Roy, you big shower of sh*t!

Next time you're called into your manager's office to face the music, do THIS. Yes. You know you want to. Okay, so you might get fired but it's one hell of an anecdote to tell your grandchildren!

Boss

Ah, sit down, Ryan. Thanks for coming in.

Ryan

No problem.

Boss

Well, I expect you know what this is about. Not to put too fine a point on it, your predicted output for the last quarter was over-optimistic to the tune of seventy or eighty percent. I mean, it was a downright fiasco, almost totally inaccurate!

Ryan

[MAKES RIDICULOUS NOISE]

Boss

Stop that, Ryan, this is serious.

Ryan

[MAKES SILLY NOISE]

Boss

Ryan... Ryan, sit down.

Ryan

I'm not Ryan today, I'm Pingu! Map-map! [MAKES RIDICULOUS NOISES] Map-map!