5 MP3 Audio clips from Season 3 of The Fast Show (1994)

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The thirteenth Duke of Wybourne has a certain... reputation. He's sleazy and he certainly shouldn't be anywhere NEAR young women; especially at three o'clock in the morning.

Duke

Me? The thirteenth Duke of Wybourne? Here? In a French-Maid's finishing school? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? BINGO!

Ron Manager. He's the stereotype of the football pundit who's lost the plot. He's out of his depth and living in the past. And yet, somehow, he still manages to appear on TV.

Ron Manager

No, no, no we were always very focussed. No... we concentrated on the four key attributes. Concentration, Understanding of the Game, Nous and Tenacity.

Presenter

Well, that's a lot to remember for today's modern footballers, Ron. They're not exactly blessed with over-intelligence, are they? You'd hardly call them, um... Mensa candidates, for instance.

Ron Manager

[Laughs]

Mensa, they're not. Isn't it? Aren't they? No. Hmm? No, there's a simple, uh... mnemonic. You know, it's uh... Concentration, Understanding, Nous and Tenacity. That's C, U, N...

[He realises what the mnemonic spells and stops himself]

Tommy Stein

Tenacity, Ron.

Ron Manager

No, uh... enjoyment. E. C, U, N, E. Cune. Y'see? That's easy to remember, isn't it?

Tommy Stein

Well, Ron... I always had you down for a... Tenacity, Integrity and Tenacity again man.

Presenter

I always thought you were more of an Application, Resourcefulness, Strength and Enjoyment man myself, Ron.

Ron Manager

Now wait a minute! I like you but that's the lingo of the snooker hall, isn't it?

Tommy Stein

Ron! Ron! Not on TV.

The "Hair-Trigger Guy" is a recurring character with only one thing linking all of his sketches. His tendency to orgasm at any moment.

Librarian

The atlases are all down this way. Um... I suppose you really just want London, don't you?

Customer

Yeah. Just a history, really. How London's changed.

Librarian

Yeah, I know the sort of thing you mean, yeah.

[He pulls out a footstool and immediately looks pained]

Ooooh! Ooooh. I'm sorry. I've just come. Um... have you seen the Harold Pinter book? It's, uh... a sort of social history. A lot of maps in it.

Customer

Yeah, I've seen it.

Librarian

I know what we do have...

[He begins to climb up to reach a book on a high shelf]

It's a history of... ooooh! Oh, sorry. I''ve just come again. It's a history of London... oh no, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to sit down, I think.

Swiss Toni. On the surface, a silver fox... suave, sophisticated. But underneath, a fragile mind which has already snapped.

Swiss Toni

Do I find you reading a book, Paul?

Paul

Yeah. Sorry, Swiss... there were no customers and... well, it's a guide book. I'm going camping at the weekend.

Swiss Toni

Putting up a tent is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Unzip the door, put up your pole and... slip into the old bag.

It's the thirteenth Duke of Wybourne again. How does he keep ending up in all of these inappropriate places? And why always at 3 o'clock in the morning?!

Duke

Me? The thirteenth Duke of Wybourne? Here? In a women's prison? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? Oh well. Penal correctitude it is, then!