11 MP3 Audio clips from The Change-Up (2011)

PLAY ALL 11 CLIPS

Clip 1

Dave has just arrived at work when his phone rings. If he'd known it was Mitch, he probably wouldn't have put it on loudspeaker.

Dave

[Answering the phone]

Hello?

Mitch

Penis, sh*t, vagina, c*ck, wolf pu**ies.

Dave

Mitch -

Mitch

[Laughs]

Dave

I'm at work.

Mitch

Did I get you?

Dave

Yeah. You sure did.

Mitch

You got me on speakerphone?

Dave

Yep.

Mitch

Did the secretary hear?

Dave

Yes, the secretary heard. She heard it all.

Mitch

[Laughs]

That's awesome.

Dave

Not really. How stoned are you right now?

Mitch

I've taken some weed.

Dave

Have you?

Mitch

Mmm-hmm.

Dave

Do you know what time it is?

Mitch

Mmm-hmm.

Dave

It's like, nine.

Mitch

Holy fu*k-knuckles. Guess what I'm looking at right now.

Dave

A bong?

Mitch

No, I found a futon on the street last night. I sort of had to fight a bum for it. He was so thin.

Clip 2

Dave is bathing the twins when Mitch arrives. Which leads to an awkward conversation with his eldest daughter. And that's not the ONLY awkward conversation she's going to be having that night.

Jamie

He's early.

Dave

Yeah, well, you'd be early too if all you did all day was eat hummus and masturbate.

Cara

What's hummus?

Dave

That is a Mediterranean spread, honey.

Cara

What's master-ate?

Jamie

It's a cracker.

[Arriving downstairs, JAMIE opens the front door to find MITCH on the doorstep]

Jamie

Oh, hey Mitch! Your hair looks good.

Mitch

Thanks. Yeah, I had to cut it for a fu*king tampon commercial.

Cara

Uncle Mitch!

Mitch

[Gasps]

How's my favourite ballerina doing?

Cara

Hi, Uncle Mitch.

Mitch

Hi! Wow! Gosh, you're so light. Are you dieting?

Cara

Do you want to come to my dance recital?

Mitch

Oh! No, honey. The only style of dancing that Uncle Mitch likes involves a big, shiny pole, and a broken woman with daddy issues.

[Groans]

Clip 3

Mitch is in the kitchen, waiting for Dave to finish bathing the twins. He spots a jar of baby food on the counter-top and proceeds to dig in.

Mitch

Ooh! Num-nums! Vegetable Medley.

Jamie

How are you?

Mitch

Good.

Jamie

You're good?

Mitch

Yeah.

Jamie

Are you dating anyone?

Mitch

Ooh! You know who I ran into?

Jamie

Who?

Mitch

Mrs. Hickham at a Starbucks in Druid Hills.

Jamie

Our social studies teacher?

Mitch

Yeah. I asked her out and she wouldn't go out with me, which is crazy, because I nailed her in high school.

Jamie

You did?

Mitch

I dated her mouth for a full semester.

Jamie

[Laughs]

Dave

[Enters the kitchen carrying the twins]

Okay. Bathed, diapered, and in the PJs.

Mitch

Is Dave meeting your needs, sexually?

Jamie

Yeah.

Mitch

Yeah?

Jamie

I guess.

Mitch

Good.

Jamie

Not really, mmm-mmm.

Mitch

Ahh. I would like to strap you to my face and say the alphabet.

Jamie

That's going too far.

Clip 4

Dave is about to discover just HOW wild Mitch's love life is. Straight from the horse's mouth.

Dave

But I interrupted you. Tell me about this one again.

Mitch

God, last week, Tatiana, she comes over, she's wearing this tight black mini-dress, and you know what she says to me?

Dave

Tell me slow.

Mitch

No. Nothing. Because all Tatiana wants to do at 3 in the morning is fu*ky, fu*ky, rubber ducky. This chick is insatiable! She wants it in every position under the sun.

Dave

God, you're so lucky.

Mitch

We do the Wheelbarrow, the Arabian Goggles, the Lonesome Dove, the Arsenio Hall, the Jelly Donut, the Pastrami Sandwich, the Wolfgang Puck... and let me tell you something... no man is that hungry.

Dave

What? I don't even know what these are.

Mitch

You're married. You're married, Dave.

Dave

That's true.

Mitch

Anyway, we start going at it and it gets so intense that my nose starts bleeding.

Dave

Come on!

Mitch

This is Dracula, Anne Rice-type sh*t happening right in front of me.

Dave

Good for you.

Mitch

And when all is said and done, when we finish up, and the dust settles, she looks up at me, and she says, "Mitchell, next Tuesday, I am coming back here, and we're really going to fu*k."

Clip 5

Mitch is now Dave. And Dave is Mitch. So when Dave speaks, it's Mitch in Dave's body. And vice-versa. Got that? No? Good. I think.

Mitch

You must be Sabrina, huh?

Sabrina

And... you must be Dave. Are we role-playing or something? Because we're late.

Mitch

He didn't tell me you were a big, fat fu*king boner.

[There's an understandably REALLY awkward pause]

Sorry. That was unprofessional. Wasn't it?

Sabrina

Dave have a Mimosa for breakfast? Little nervous?

Clip 6

Dave (in Mitch's body) has turned up to a movie set. He's the lead, you see? But it's not just a movie. It's a Lorno. Which, apparently, is a low-intensity porno. There. I've taught you something!

Female co-star

[Groans seductively]

Director

Yeah! Breakfast champion, boys. Mount for sex time. Go! On bed.

Female co-star

Give it to me, Steve!

Director

COME ON!

Dave

Okay, okay, okay...

[DAVE begins to dry-hump his co-star from behind and she begins to purr seductively]

Director

Yeah! Pump that ass, boy. Go, boy! Loosen hips, loosen hips. Go! Deep thrusting! Yeah! Put your thumb up her butt.

[The music and the action stops as what VALTAN has just said sinks in]

Dave

What?

Director

Stick your thumb up her butthole. I promise you, it's nice, clean. You eat cake off lady's Starfish, okay?

Dave

Ahhh... No.

Director

[Approaching DAVE menacingly]

You put thumb... up nice lady butthole. Or I put my fist up yours. Okay?

Dave

Mmm-hmm. Okay.

Clip 7

Cara is being bullied at her ballet class. Mitch may look like Dave but he's got a very different way of dealing with things. As Cara is about to find out.

Cara

Shouldn't I be sitting in my car seat?

Mitch

No, no. You're good. Hey, tell me about the big girl who knocked you over.

Cara

That's Nicolette Peters. She does it a lot, actually.

Mitch

She does it a lot? Why don't you fight back?

Cara

Uh, because you told me not to.

Mitch

I what?

Cara

You said I should strive for verbal resolution.

Mitch

Uh, you know, Daddy sometimes... How do I... How do I, um... here's what you do. What you do is you fu*k verbal resolution, okay? You put that whore on her back, and you shank her. You know how to make a shiv?

Cara

What?

Mitch

Listen to me. If somebody comes at you with a knife, you put her whole family in the morgue. That is jailyard justice. Because if you don't come back hard on a b**ch, you're going to end up getting sold for a pack of Camel Lights and a Jell-O cup. Do you understand what I'm saying to you? Always solve your problems with violence.

Cara

Okay, Daddy.

Mitch

Great. Want to get some Pinkberry?

Clip 8

It's the middle of the night and one of the babies is crying. Dave would have been up like a shot. Mitch, however, wants to get some sleep.

Jamie

It's your turn.

Mitch

Hmm?

Jamie

It's your turn to feed the babies.

Mitch

I don't feel like it.

Jamie

[Sits up in bed and switches on the bedside lamp]

Are you fu*king kidding me right now?

Mitch

No. It's 3 in the morning. You go do it, you're the mother.

Jamie

I'm the mother! It's 3 o'clock in the morning! Get the fu*k out of the bed right now before I fu*king cut you!

Mitch

Jesus! Okay. What the fu*k?!

Clip 9

Dave is going on a date with Sabrina. He's a little nervous. Particularly about what to wear. He's out of practice and needs Mitch's help.

Mitch

Mitch?

Dave

Hey. How do I look?

Mitch

Just grow a moustache and lure a child into your van. Where did you find that sh*t?

Dave

The back of your closet.

Mitch

Put it back!

Clip 10

It's time to do a little "manscaping" before Dave's big date.

Dave

Nobody ever needs to know that this happened, Mitch.

Mitch

[Produces a pair of battery-operated hair clippers and descends out of shot]

Boy. Real tempting to kiss my own d*ck!

Dave

Uh, that tickles.

Mitch

Shh shh shh. You're jiggling the sack.

Dave

Oh, you're going to go all the way back there, huh? We're going to dinner, not Rio.

Mitch

Right. You got any extra batteries?

Clip 11

In order to get their own bodies and lives back, Mitch and Dave are peeing into the fountain again. But now it's in the middle of a mall and there are lots of people around to witness it.

[The fact that they're peeing into the fountain has just been loudly announced by an observant little girl. The crowd react with disbelief and disgust]

Girl Scout

Oh, my God!

Dave

The cat's out of the bag, buddy. You got to go now.

Mitch

Mitch! Mitch! By the way... why didn't you invite me to your anniversary party? Huh?

Dave

Okay, look... I feel really bad about that but can we talk about that at another time? There is a girl scout staring at my penis.

Mitch

I want to talk about it right now.

Dave

Really?