8 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of Father Ted (1995)

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Father Jack Hackett is somehow still alive. He spends most of his time asleep in an armchair. When he IS awake, he swears like a docker, attacks his colleagues and drinks floor polish.

Ted

Never turn on the television when Father Jack's asleep. You know how he is.

Dougal

But... he's always asleep.

Ted

Yes, well anyone who's served the church as long as he has deserves a rest.

[Drunk in his armchair, FATHER JACK begins to snore resonantly]

It's actually quite an honour for us to look after him in his old age, you know.

[FATHER JACK begins to show signs that he's dreaming]

Look at him. Dreaming of past glories, no doubt.

[Cutaway to a convent school. A young FATHER JACK stands at the front of a class of girls with their teacher]

Teacher

Girls... pay attention. We've got a special treat today. Father Hackett has very kindly volunteered to take you all for volleyball practice.

[FATHER JACK leans in and whispers something in the TEACHER'S ear]

Right, Father. And he's just reminded me that it's very warm today so there'll be no need for your tracksuit tops.

[Cut back to present day - FATHER JACK is salivating heavily in his sleep]

Father Jack having destroyed the parochial house television, Dougal picks up what remains of the screen and pretends to be "on TV".

Dougal

Hello! Father Dougal McGuire here and welcome to this week's Top of the Pops. And in at number forty-five this week is Father Ted Crilly with I've Got The Power. And... at number fifteen for the sixteenth week in a row, it's Father Jack Hackett with I'm a Sleepy Priest.

[JACK stirs and the first thing he sees is DOUGAL'S face, framed by a TV screen]

Jack

How did that gobsh*te get on the television?

Father Jack is a little fussy when it comes to drinks. If it hasn't got alcohol, methanol or ethanol in it, he won't drink it.

[MRS. DOYLE is serving FATHER JACK with a cup of tea]

Mrs. Doyle

And what do you say to a cup?

Father Jack

FECK OFF, CUP!

Ted and Dougal are making small talk to pass the time whilst they wait for a prognosis for Father Stone who's been rushed to hospital having been struck by lightning.

Dougal

Do you remember that film, Ted where your man has his head transplanted onto a fly and, eh... the fly's head is transplanted on to the man?

Ted

Oh, yes. What was that called?

Dougal

Out of Africa I think, anyway... y'know, your man has the head of the fly and he's chasing his wife all over the place and she... y'know, she's trying to hide the jam and everything so as he won't get stuck in it and that kind of thing -

Ted

I have to stop you there, Dougal.

Dougal

Yes, Ted?

Ted

No reason. I just have to stop you.

[The double-doors to the waiting area crash open and FATHER JACK is wheeled in on a trolley]

There he is. Today's emergency. What is it today, Doctor?

Doctor

We don't know. I think it's a combination of Babycham and Harpic.

Ted

Probably all that was left after the party.

The conversation continues about Father Stone who remains unconscious with a golf club welded to his hands. Ted tells Dougal that his brother is a doctor in America.

Dougal

Doctor. Wow!

Ted

You wouldn't believe that, would you? But that used to be quite common, you know. The favourite son would become a doctor and then the idiot brother would be sent off to the Priesthood.

Dougal

Your brother's a doctor, isn't he?

Ted

Yes. Yes he is.

John and Mary O'Leary hate each other. With a passion. They VIOLENTLY hate each other. But whenever there's a priest around, it's all sweetness and light.

John

Are you going to stand there all day, you fat old b**ch?

Mary

Don't talk to me like that, you big pile of sh*te.

[JOHN barges past her]

Ya ignorant pr**k!

John

You watch that mouth of yours.

Mary

I'll watch nothin'...

[She picks up a large carving knife and points it at her husband]

... I'll stick this up your ARSE!

[DOUGAL walks into their shop]

Ah! Father Dougal!

Dougal

Hello, you two!

Ted is supposed to remain celibate, right? Well, that was probably a damned sight easier before the author Polly Clarke came along. Now he's her greatest fan. Mrs. Doyle doesn't approve.

Mrs. Doyle

You've never read any of her books, have you, Father?

Ted

Actually, I'm a bit of a fan. That's where I was the other day. At her book signing.

Mrs. Doyle

Well, I'm very surprised to hear that, Father. I didn't think you'd like that sort of thing. I read a bit of one of them once. God, I couldn't finish it. The language... unbelievable!

Ted

It's a bit gritty but that's the modern world, Mrs. Doyle.

Mrs. Doyle

Well, it was a bit much for me, Father. Feck this and feck that...

Ted

Yes, Mrs. Doyle -

Mrs. Doyle

You big bastard! Oh... dreadful language. You big hairy arse, you big fecker... fierce stuff. And, of course, the F-Word, Father. The bad F-Word. Worse than feck. You know the one I mean?

Ted

Yes, I do, Mrs. Doyle.

Mrs. Doyle

Eff you, eff your effing wife. Oh I don't know why they have to use language like that. I'll stick this effing pitch-fork up your hole. Oh, that was another one, oh yes!

Ted

I see what you mean, Mrs. Doyle -

Mrs. Doyle

Bastard this and bastard that... you can't move for the bastards in her novels. It's wall-to-wall bastards.

Ted

Is it, Mrs. Doyle? Anyway -

Mrs. Doyle

You bastard, you fecker, you bollocks, get your bollocks out of my face.

Ted

[Ushering the enraged MRS. DOYLE out into the kitchen]

Yes, you just go and prepare for the nuns.

Mrs. Doyle

Ride me sideways was another one!

Dougal and Father Ted are conducting a wake for the recently deceased Father Hackett. Ted has earlier been assaulted (understandably) by a female solicitor he insulted.

Dougal

Oh, how's your head, Ted?

Ted

Not too bad. But it's true what they say about these career women. They're very aggressive.

Dougal

Yeah, she was very aggressive wasn't she, Ted?

Ted

Oh and the language out of her. You wouldn't hear of it from a docker.

Dougal

Ah, you would. They use very bad language.

Ted

Effing this and effing that.

Dougal

It was worse than that, Ted. She was saying f-

Ted

-Now DOUGAL!