18 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of Father Ted (1995)

PLAY ALL 49 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Dougal has been reading books by Roddy Doyle again and it's had a dramatic and shocking effect on his use of language.

Ted

July the 19^th. Why does that strike me as important?

Dougal

I wouldn't know, Ted, you big bollocks.

Ted

I'm sorry?

Dougal

I said, "I wouldn't know, Ted, you big bollocks."

Ted

Have you been reading those Roddy Doyle books again, Dougal?

Mrs. Doyle has made cake. Well, cakes to be precise. Teeny, tiny cakes. With a special ingredient in them.

Mrs. Doyle

And speaking of cake...

[She opens the cake tin to show TED the contents]

... I have cake.

Ted

I'm fine for cake, Mrs. Doyle.

Mrs. Doyle

Are you sure, Father? There's cocaine in it.

Ted

There's what?!

Mrs. Doyle

Oh, no... not cocaine. What am I on about? No, I meant, um... what do you call them? Raisins!

Trying to teach Dougal about perspective is like trying to teach a hamster Quantum Mechanics. But Ted is trying.

Ted

Okay, one last time.

[He picks up a toy cow]

These are small. But the ones out there are far away.

Waking Father Jack from his slumber is risky. Which is why Ted and Dougal are prodding him with a telescopic pole.

Ted

Father! Father! It's only us.

[FATHER JACK stirs and grabs the pole violently]

Jack

GET TO FECK!

Ted

Come on, Father... we're gonna have to move you again.

[FATHER JACK finds a glass on the floor at his feet]

Jack

DRINK!

Ted

Don't drink that, Father. NO! It's -

[FATHER JACK takes a mouthful and spits it out]

Jack

FECKING WATER!

Bishop O'Neill has taken Dougal aside for a frank chat about faith. Which sounds great. In principal. But you're forgetting that Dougal is a monumental eejit!

Bishop O'Neill

So, Father... do you ever have any doubts about the religious life? Any doubts you've been having about any aspects of belief?

Dougal

Well... you know the way God made us all, right? And, uh... he's looking down on us from Heaven and everything.

Bishop O'Neill

Uh-huh.

Dougal

And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that.

Bishop O'Neill

Well, yes.

Dougal

And when we die we're all going to go to Heaven.

Bishop O'Neill

Yes. What about it?

Dougal

Well, that's the bit I have trouble with!

You'd be forgiven for thinking that Ted is describing the plot of a movie. But no. He's actually just breaching the confidentiality of confession.

Ted

So he was already having an affair with the sister and this is when his wife is seriously ill in hospital.

Dougal

Wow!

Ted

Incredible isn't it? So, who does he make pregnant but the babysitter. So now he doesn't know whether to stay with the wife, the sister or run off with the babysitter.

Dougal

And when's his next confession?

Ted

Tuesday.

Ted is trying to sneak two bottles of wine into a picnic bag without Jack knowing.

[The bottles clang together as TED puts them into a bag]

Jack

DRINK!

Ted

It's not drink, Father. It's just fizzy water.

Jack

JACOB'S CREEK CHARDONNAY, 1991!

Ted

D'ya know that just from the sound?

Jack

DRINK, DRINK, DRINK!

Ted has, according to Mrs. Doyle, a beautiful singing voice. The most beautiful thing she's ever heard in her entire life. I'll let you be the judge.

Ted

[Singing the tune of Nessun Dorma]

Mrs. Doyle

You know... you have a beautiful voice, Father.

Ted

No... no, I don't really.

Mrs. Doyle

No. You do. It's gorgeous.

Ted

Well, thanks very much!

Mrs. Doyle

I don't think I've ever heard anything more beautiful in all my life. Go on! Sing something else.

Ted

Now, I... I don't normally do requests!

Mrs. Doyle

Ah, go on now... please.

Ted

Okay.

♪

I love Paris in the Spring time.

I love Paris in the Fall.

♪

Mrs. Doyle

No. No I didn't like that one so much. No, I was a bit disappointed with that one to be honest.

Ted

Yes, uh... thank you, Mrs. Doyle.

Mrs. Doyle

That wasn't very good at all!

Ted

Yes.

Mrs. Doyle

I mean I used to love that song but that version was catastrophic.

Ted

Well, I'll tell you what, Mrs. Doyle. I won't book Carnegie Hall just yet.

Mrs. Doyle

I don't think they'd let you play Carnegie Hall with a voice like that.

When Ted answers the telephone at the Parochial House, he's surprised and disappointed to find that Father Dick Burn is on the other end of the line.

Ted

[Answering the phone]

Hello? Father Ted Crilly.

Dick

Hello! Dick Burn, here.

Ted

Dick.

Dick

Well, Ted are you entering this year?

Ted

What?

Dick

Eurosong '96. Hah! The young fella's been driven mad here with it. Anyway, we thought we'd enter it this year. Why don't you give it a go, as well? I'm sure you'd win it, Ted.

Ted

Well... thanks very much -

Dick

- If all the other contestants were killed!

[Laughs]

Ted

I'm sure we'd do just as well as you would.

Dick

No, you wouldn't.

Ted

Yes, we would.

Dick

No, you wouldn't.

Ted

Yes, we would.

Dick

No, you wouldn't.

[This childish exchange takes place for several seconds]

Ted

Yes we would, yes we would, yes we WOULD!

Dick

No you wouldn't times a thousand.

Ted

YES -

Dick

JINX, NO COME-BACKS!

[D*CK BURN hangs up the phone]

Ted

Dougal, get the guitar.

Dougal

But I thought -

Ted

I SAID, GET THE GUITAR!

Ted and Dougal have started writing their entry from Eurosong '96. And one of them is taking it very, very seriously indeed.

Ted

Anyway, we're not moving from here until we've finished the song. Ready?

Dougal

Ready, Ted. Let's do it!

Ted

Dougal... don't take it so seriously. It's... it's just a bit of fun.

[Whip cut to a cigarette smoke filled room - TED, sleeves rolled up, pacing the floor]

Just play the fu*king note.

Dougal

The first one?

Ted

NO, NOT THE FU*KING FIRST ONE! THE FU*KING FIRST ONE'S ALREADY FU*KING DOWN! JUST PLAY THE FU*KING NOTE YOU WERE FU*KING PLAYING EARLIER! I'VE BEEN PLAYING THE FU*KING FIRST ONE! WE HAVE THE FU*KING FIRST ONE!

Ted is discussing the drunken state of Fred Rickwood with the Eurosong producer, Charles Hedges.

Ted

Uh, I have to say he sounded a lot better on last year's show.

Charles

Oh, once he's on the stage, he's fine.

Ted

All right and do you know him a long time?

Charles

Yes, yes, yes, yeah... we've been partners for ten years.

Ted

Oh, right... uh, you run the production company together?

Charles

No, no... no, no... he's my lover.

Ted

He's... he's quite a catch! This is my partner, Father Dougal McGuire... not my sexual partner... I mean... my partner that I do the song with.

Charles

Yes, well I... I guessed that.

Ted

Oh, of course you did. Not that there's any wrong with that type of, um... thing.

Charles

I thought that the Catholic church thought that that type of thing was inherently wrong.

Ted

Uh, yes... it does. The whole "gay thing", I suppose it's a bit of a puzzle to us all. It must be... fun though. Um, not the... not the "you know" but the... um, the nightclubs and the whole rough and tumble of homosexual activity.

Ted answers the phone to find Bishop Len Brennan on the other end of the line. Not a good start to anyone's day.

Ted

Hello? Father Ted Crilly speaking.

Bishop Brennan

Crilly, it's me... Bishop Brennan.

Ted

Oh, feck!

Bishop Brennan

WHAT?!

Ted

[Feigning a foreign accent]

Who is dis? Zere is no Crilly 'ere.

[In a panic, he slams the phone down and it rings again moments later in response to which, he answers it]

Bishop Brennan

Crilly.

Ted

Ah! Hello, Bishop Brennan. I think you got the wrong number when you called there.

Bishop Brennan

Shut up, Crilly! Shut up! I'll make this quick. What would the following words suggest to you? Jack, sleep-walking and bollock-naked?

Father Jack has awoken to find that he is surrounded by rabbits.

Jack

[Incoherent]

Rats!

Ted

Yes, Father... we can see them as well.

Jack

HAIRY JAPANESE BASTARDS!

Ted and Dougal have had to conceal an entire warren of rabbits from Bishop Brennan who is leporiphobic.

Dougal

TED! DID LEN FIND THE RABBITS?

Bishop Brennan

What did he say?

Ted

Um, look... I'd better tell you, um... um...

Bishop Brennan

WHAT DID HE SAY? Did he call me Len, again?

[BISHOP BRENNAN goes to the top of the stairs]

YOU ADDRESS ME BY MY PROPER TITLE, YOU LITTLE BOLLOCKS!

Dougal

Sorry, uh... Bishop Len Brennan.

Ted has noticed that the cover page of a magazine that Dougal is reading features a photograph of the rock singer Niamh Connolly wearing boxing gloves with text on them.

Ted

Clit power? What does that mean?

Dougal

Dunno.

Ted

I knew a Father Clint Power. Maybe she's having a go at him.

The three priests have had to make sacrifices for Lent. Father Jack has had to give up alcohol which means that he can now see clearly again.

Jack

Where are the other two?

Ted

The other two? Ah! I see. The old vision's back to normal. No, there's just the two of us, Father.

Jack

And what do you two do, then?

Ted

We're priests.

Jack

WHAT? PRIESTS?! DON'T TELL ME I'M STILL ON THAT FECKIN' ISLAND!

Jack has Stage 6 hairy hands caused by drinking too many household chemicals. It's time to call in a professional. Doctor Sinnot.

Dougal

Ted, why is Jack so scared of doctors?

Ted

Well, I... I think they remind him of illness. He doesn't like to think about his own mortality, y'know? That's why he always hated visiting the sick.

Dougal

Oh God, yeah... he hates the sick. And the poor. He hates the poor as well.

Ted

Oh, the poor really got on his nerves.

Dougal

Yeah. And the needy.

Ted

Them as well. What is it he used to say about the needy? He had a term for them. Um...

Dougal

A shower of bastards!

Ted

That was it, yeah.

Father Fintan Stack is Jack's replacement whilst he's recuperating from his hairy hands. And Fintan Stack is an obnoxious, arrogant, rude and unpleasant individual.

Fintan Stack

What are we watching?

Ken Dillon

We're lookin' at the sports day.

Fintan Stack

Lots of young fellas running around in shorts. That's the kind of thing you like looking at. And I bet you like that, too. Only you're probably imagining what they'd look like without shorts. You're sittin' there, imaginin' that with a big smile on your face. Ya dirty fecker!