12 MP3 Audio clips from City Slickers (1991)

PLAY ALL 12 CLIPS

Clip 1

Having been "anally skewered" running with the bulls in Pamplona, Mitch is being sutured by a frankly inept Spanish doctor. And to make matters worse, Ed is on the defensive.

Ed

Phil, let the man keep what's left of his dignity, please.

Mitch

Dignity? This is all your fault, Ed.

Ed

My fault?

Mitch

Yeah, because you're a macho lunatic. Phil and I are sheep -

Phil

We're not sheep.

Mitch

We are sheep. We do every stupid thing he asks.

Ed

I didn't make you run.

Mitch

No, it was a 2,000 pound rampaging animal spraying bull snot all over Spain. That's what made me run. You made me stand in front of it.

Clip 2

Ed lives for thrills and he has a tendency to drag his two best friends into his shenanigans. Which, frankly, Mitch has grown somewhat tired of.

Arlene

I can't wait to get out of this country. These people... eugh!

Mitch

You know, maybe it's just me but I think our little adventures lately are becoming stupid, you know?

[Turning to BARBARA]

What did you call them?

Barbara

Desperate attempt to cling to your youth?

Mitch

Yeah. That.

Ed

That's bullsh*t.

Mitch

Bullsh*t? Ed, have you ever noticed the older you get, the younger your girlfriends get? Soon, you'll be dating sperm!

Clip 3

It's Mitch's birthday party. All his friends are there. All nine of them. But the tenth guest isn't there for him. She's there for Phil. And it's not good news.

Barbara

[Answering the door]

Hi!

Nancy

Um... is Mister Phil Berquist here?

[NANCY marches into the room, past a bemused BARBARA]

Barbara

Can I get you some... thing to...

Nancy

Mister Berquist, your housekeeper told me where you were. I'm in trouble.

Phil

W-w-w-w... what are you doin' here, Nancy? Who... who's on register nine?

Nancy

I don't know what to do.

[MITCH approaches, holding a plate of food]

Mitch

Rumaki?

Phil

I don't think that this is the time or the place to talk about this.

Nancy

I'm late.

Phil

What?

Nancy

I missed my period!

Mitch

Whoops!

Phil

What?

Nancy

I was at work and on my break and I took one of those home pregnancy tests from aisle eleven.

Phil

The ones on special?

Nancy

Yes. And it came up... blue.

Arlene

Why is she telling you this, Phil?

Phil

[Stammering]

Because... I'm her boss. And we have a health plan.

Arlene

Son of a b**ch. You screwed this little girl in my father's store?

Phil

No, no, no!

Nancy

It was in his car.

Phil

Oh, Jesus...

Nancy

And I'm not a little girl. I'm twenty.

Arlene

Get out of this house, you little whore!

Phil

Hey! I will not permit you to talk to her that way.

Clip 4

Arlene is calling her father. Who also happens to be her husband's employer. Yes. The sh*t is really going to hit the fan now.

Arlene

I'm calling!

Phil

Go ahead, call him. I'm sure he's home! It's his night to meet with the other escaped Nazis!

Arlene

I hate you!

Phil

I hate you more! If hate were people, I'd be China!

Mitch

[Following a deafeningly awkward silence]

Let's bring out the cake!

Clip 5

Mitch has discovered that he can't lasso an animal for sh*t. He just doesn't have the required coordination.

Phil

How's it going?

Mitch

Oh, okay. Where have you been?

Phil

Oh, I was watching them castrate a horse.

Mitch

Well... I'm hungry. How about you, hmm?

Clip 6

Mitch and Ed are engaged in a conversation about romance, relationships and fidelity. It's getting pretty heavy when the gorgeous Bonnie walks past.

Mitch

See, women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Bonnie

[Walking past them]

Goodnight! I'm going to bed.

Mitch

Goodnight. Sleep tight.

Ed

That was flirting.

Mitch

No. That was politeness. That was, "have a pleasant and restful evening."

Ed

No. That was, "I like your ass, could I wear it as a hat?"

Clip 7

Bonnie continues to beguile the boys. And Ed just can't help but make a crude observation about how much he'd like to... well, I'll let him explain.

Ed

Boy, that saddle's having all the fun.

Mitch

You have, like, a half-track mind.

Ed

You wouldn't like to screw her brains out?

Mitch

Lovely image. It ranks right up there with my other favourite of yours... "bang the sh*t out of her."

Clip 8

Mitch may be in the wilderness but he's never far from a home comfort. He's bought a battery-operated coffee grinder and he's eager to get that baby fired up as the group start a day of herding.

Mitch

All right, now the first cup's going to be for my good friend Phil who when we were kids used to let me watch his sister undress. I never forgot it, Phil. 'Cos I still do it!

Clip 9

The group have just held an impromptu funeral for Curly who died doing what he loved. But Ira feels that the occasion lacked any true meaning and is eager for someone to eulogise the fallen cowboy.

Steve

Well, I guess that's it.

Ira

Wait a minute. Shouldn't somebody say something? I mean, you know, like a eulogy?

Mitch

Yeah.

Barry

Yeah.

Mitch

Cookie? You knew him best.

Cookie

Lord? We give you Curly. Try not to p*ss him off.

Mitch

That's it?

Cookie

What else is there? I got chicken burnin'.

Mitch

You're a warm man, Cookie.

Clip 10

Mitch's impromptu rendition of Rawhide is one of the stand-out funny moments of the movie.

Mitch

♪

Rolling, rolling, rolling,

keep them doggies rolling,

Man, my ass is swollen,

Rawhide!

Get them up, move them out,

wake them up, get them dressed,

Get them shaved,

comb their hair, rawhide,

Tie me down, tell me lies,

pull my hair, smack my thighs,

With a big wet strap of rawhide!

♪

Clip 11

Phil has had enough. He's tired. He's lost everything. But on the plus side, he's gained a rash from sh*tting in the bushes.

Phil

And let's have some peace and quiet around here for Christ's Sakes! I'm tired! I've been under a lot of stress. I lost my wife. I lost my job. And I've got some sort of rash from making in the bushes!

Clip 12

Sometimes the wilderness is the perfect place to lay old ghosts to rest. To air and share your problems and get a little help from those who know and love you the most.

Mitch

It's nothing to be ashamed of. I had the same problem.

Phil

Didn't you feel stupid? I mean... didn't you feel... inadequate?

Mitch

Yeah, for a while but... then I overcame it. Can I explain it to you again? I mean, promise me you won't get upset.

Phil

Okay. Uh, it's not going to do any good.

Mitch

Okay. If you wanna watch one show but record another show at the same time, the television set does not have to be on channel three.

Phil

Uh, it does!

Mitch

No it doesn't.

Phil

It does!

Mitch

No, if you're watching what you're recording then it has to be on three.

Phil

Wait, what... the TV or the machine?

Mitch

The TV.

Phil

You're saying I can record something I'm not even watching?

Mitch

Yes! That's the point! You don't even need a TV to record.

Phil

How would I see it?

Mitch

Well, to see it, you need a TV.

Ed

Shut up! Just... shut up! He doesn't get it. He'll never get it. It's been four hours. The cows can tape something by now. Forget about it. PLEASE!