22 MP3 Audio clips from Max & Paddy's Road to Nowhere (2004)

PLAY ALL 22 CLIPS

It's the theme music, sung by Peter Kay and Patrick McGuinness. It'd make for a fantastic ringtone, wouldn't it?!

♪

Max & Paddy

Don't know where we're going, got no way of knowing,

driving on the road to nowhere.

Sponging for a living, checking out the women,

riding on the road to nowhere.

And we don't take sh*t from anyone,

the only thing we wanna do is have some fun.

Max

We're Max and Paddy.

Paddy

Paddy and Max.

Max & Paddy

And best of all we don't pay council tax.

♪

It's time to kit out their Fiat motor home with some 21st Century technology. And there's only one place to go for that. The back of Gypsy Joe's van.

Joe

Hello, boys! Welcome to Gypsy Joe's. You see anything you like, boys?

Max & Paddy

Do we?!

Joe

Well, we've got some great bargains, boys. Stereo speakers, buy one get one free. Cash down, nothing to pay in twelve months.

Max

And is it all...

[He whistles and makes a hand gesture to signify "hooky"]

Joe

It's all, erm...

[He copies MAX'S whistle]

Paddy

Have you got any of them big tellies?

Joe

I've got a beautiful thirty-two inch Futaba back there. Fast Text, widescreen... perfect for the families.

Paddy

Hey... what we'll be watching won't be for the families my friend. You know what I'm saying? Two grown men away from home.

Max

Hey! You can forget that. We won't be watching any of your filth on it... that's for sure.

Max has set up a stolen fifty inch plasma screen in the motor home. But there's a problem. As Paddy is about to find out.

Max

Well? What do you think?

Paddy

Now that, my friend, is a Plasma screen. Oh, aye. We've got to get a bit of porn on that for the lads.

Max

No, we won't. I've told you. I don't want any of your filth going on it. Do you hear me?

Paddy

Well, half of it's mine. And my half will not be showing ninja films. Go on, turn it up.

Max

Erm... that's the thing. I can't. Well... I can and I can't.

Paddy

What do you mean?

Max

There's no speakers.

Paddy

You are joking. How are we supposed to listen to it, then?

[MAX raises a pair of earphones which are plugged in to the screen]

Oh, no. No. I am not watching Charlie's Anals like that.

Max & Paddy are having a discussion about what modern women want. Max is out of touch with modern dating.

Paddy

You're living in the dark ages, man.

Max

Me? I'm living in the dark ages? I's not the one sitting there reading blinking Razzle¹. Another waste of money. I were gonna do a... a beef boogie-on² tonight. That's gone down the sh*t pan.

Paddy

Waste of money? Waste of money? We've bought a plasma screen with no speakers. No wonder we're eating Big Bob's bastard Beans!

[PADDY storms into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him]

¹ "Razzle" is a pornographic magazine for men
² Max meant "Beef Bourguignon"

Max has bought himself and Paddy a beer at the local nightclub. And, as with most nightclubs, the round has broken the bank.

Barman

Seven-sixty.

Max

How much?!

Barman

Seven pounds sixty.

Max

For two beers? You should wear a mask and a striped jumper. D'ya know that?

Paddy is trying out his "tried and tested" chat-up lines on the local women. But it's not going so well to be honest. Probably because they're crap.

Paddy

You all right, flower? Here's 10p. Call your Mam, tell her you won't be coming home tonight.

Woman

I've got a mobile, d*ckhead!

Paddy

Hello, nice ladies! Pick a number between one and ten.

Woman

Eight.

Paddy

You lose! Take your tops off.

Woman

Fu*k off!

It's time to try the nightclub again. In fancy dress. Paddy looks like Richard Gere in An Officer and a Gentleman. Max looks like a rent boy from Love Boat.

Paddy

If you can't beat 'em, cock... join 'em.

Max

Hey! Now hang on. Why haven't I got one of those?

Paddy

They didn't have your size, flower.

Max

Bollocks.

Paddy

You look all right.

Max

I don't. I look like a rent boy from Loveboat, that's what I look like.

Paddy

Nonsense. Listen... women love a man in uniform.

Max

Do they? Well let's go out dressed as a couple of Nazis then. See how far we get.

Max and Paddy, against the odds, have scored. They've each brought a lady back to the motor home. Paddy is drunk. And horny. Not a good combination.

Paddy

Hey, eh?! Now then. You two get settled. And I'm gonna give this little lady here a tour of the vessel. This is the front room... that's my room.

[He shoves his date into the bedroom]

Tour over!

Max is asleep. Paddy is in need of some "me time" if you know what I mean. Problem is, the only place he can watch his "adult" movies is on the plasma screen which is above Max.

[We hear the soundtrack of a porn film]

Male

Good morning, Anals.

Girls

Good morning, Charlie.

[We hear a zipper]

Charlie

Bend over!

[As PADDY begins to "get into" the action, MAX wakes up]

Max

Aargh! Oh God. Oh, my God. You animal. How could you? Over my sleeping body!

To make some extra cash and satisfy his need for flesh, Paddy has auditioned for and got a part in an adult movie. But it's not quite what he thought it was.

Director

Just slip into these, will ya? Rest of your costume's hanging up.

Paddy

[Holding a very skimpy pair of silk shorts in this hand]

Oh, I like it, I like it! A little bit of role-play!

Director

Okay, well rest of cast are in there. You get your gear on and I'll get the cameras set up.

Paddy

10-4! Hey... don't let me down, c*ck! Ooh, yeah!

[Cut to PADDY throwing open the door to the studio]

Paddy

Right, then. Who's first?

[He suddenly realises that the rest of the cast are muscular black men, half-naked, covered in oil and exercising with weights]

Director

[Bringing a clapperboard into frame]

Willy Wa*ker and the Chocolate Factory... take one.

The motor home has broken down. Luckily, Mick Bustin has come to the rescue and after a cursory examination of the vehicle, he gives Max and Paddy the bad news.

Mick Bustin

There's sh*t in your carburetor.

Max

Who's done that?!

Technically homeless and at a loose-end, Max suggests a possible distraction from their current predicament.

Max

Why don't we spend the afternoon in the countryside? Enjoy the rather clement weather. Go for a walk.

Paddy

I'd sooner spend it in a brothel.

Max

Oh, no you wouldn't. I'll get me shorts.

Paddy

Oh, please God. Not the cream-coloured hot-pants.

Max and Paddy are barely talking. I won't bore you with why. But to cheer Max up and get him talking, Paddy has a scenario he feels sure will bring Max back out of his shell.

Paddy

If you could have something to eat now, I bet I know what it'd be. Your favourite. Chicken Kiev, chips, beans and a fried egg. Am I right?

Max

[MAX shrugs noncommittally]

Paddy

And what about bringing it to you, through those trees there, a couple of naked women. And I mean... naked. "There's your meal, sir. And here's your dessert." Dink dank doo!

Max

What's for dessert?

Paddy

Whatever you desire.

Max

Can I have Angel Delight¹?

Angel Delight is a powdered dessert product produced in the United Kingdom. It is whisked into milk and allowed to set producing a flavoured mousse.

Max is regaling Paddy with the story of how he met his ex-girlfriend, Tina. The story takes place half in flashback and half in the present.

Max

Anyway, I saw her up against bar. Nearly threw her out for underage drinking.

Hey! You shouldn't... Oh. I do apologise. I'm sorry. I thought you were underage and shouldn't be in here.

Paddy

Underage? Why? How old was she, you dirty dog?

Max

Oh, she were old enough. It's just that she was... er... um...

Paddy

What?

Max

She was a kind of midget.

Paddy

Ain't that a Queen song?

Long story short, Max & Paddy are in police custody having stolen a school bus full of children because Max thought that his estranged son was aboard. He wasn't.

Paddy

This is it now, you know. They're gonna throw away the key.

Max

No. No, this is just a case of mistaken identity, this.

Paddy

Forty kids on a coach? What did we mistake 'em for? A stag do?

Paddy's cellmate is obsessed with Cliff Richard. He looks like him, acts like him and probably thinks he is him.

Cliff

Hi, guys. Fancy a game of tennis? Mixed doubles?

Paddy

I've told you. We've no balls, Cliff.

Cliff

That's okay. You can play with mine. See you down there. Ciao, guys.

Max

Bloody hell, what's he in for?

Paddy

Have you never heard Wired for Sound?

The dark reality of prison life has hit Paddy and he realises that he'll be lucky to escape with his sanity and virginity intact.

Paddy

It's all right for you, you know. A good looking lad like me's a valuable commodity in here.

Max

What do you mean, "it's all right for me?"

Paddy

When Paddy steps in them showers, those lads'll think it's Christmas morning. They'll ride me like a Blackpool donkey.

No matter what Max says or does, there's no shaking Paddy from his malaise. He knows he's in trouble.

Max

We're doin' a bit o' bird, as per. Me and you. Tango and Cash, Bodie and Doyle, Magnet and Steel. Eh? What do you say?

Paddy

I'm gonna get bummed.

Driving along, Max and Paddy are talking about their favourite meat.

Paddy

Call me old fashioned but what I like is white, tender, off-the-bone chicken. What's yours?

Max

Cow.

Paddy

You what?

Max

COW!

[Too late, PADDY slams on the brakes but collides with a cow in the road and sends it airborne]

The cow is in the middle of the road, on its back with its legs in the air. It doesn't look good.

Paddy

Is it dead?

Max

[Kicks the lifeless beast]

Either that or it's gonna p*ss it down!

Max and Paddy are seeking compensation for the damage to their motor home. They've returned to the farm to speak to the farmer.

Old Farmer

If you've come looking for money, boys, you've come to the wrong place, 'ere. I ain't got nothin' 'ere.

Paddy

You must have something! You're a farm.

Old Farmer

Alls I've got left is the old girl.

Paddy

Hey, whoa! We don't want your wife.

Max

We're not swingers.

Paddy

No.

Old Farmer

Oh, no. Not my wife. She's gone, too. Dead three years this Spring. Got knocked down by a combine harvester. She's buried... over there.

[MAX and PADDY look across the field to see a white cross as a simple grave marker]

And over there...

[Another field, another white wooden cross]

And just over there...

[A cluster of crosses mark the final resting places of the old farmer's wife]

If you're Jewish or Muslim, you might find this particular clip disturbing. But rest assured that MOST of what Max says about the use of a pig's carcass is absolute bullsh*t.

Max

You know, you can use every bit of a pig, you know. Snooter to tooter. There's no wastage. No. Even its flute gets used. Yeah, its flute, you know... it's... pork sword. Its, erm...

Paddy

C*ck?

Max

Yeah.

Paddy

What for?

Max

Dog chews.

Paddy

Really? That's the last time I let a dog lick my face!

Max

Its eyes. You can eat its eyes. They're a delicacy in Iran. Tapas. Its tongue.

Paddy

What?

Max

Its tongue. You never had tongue?

Paddy

Plenty.

Max

Me Mam used to give me tongue every week. Regular.