15 MP3 Audio clips from The Festival (2018)

PLAY ALL 15 CLIPS

Clip 1

Nick and Caitlin are "making the beast with two backs." You know, "Horizontal jogging." Making love. Having sex. Doing the do. But things aren't going smoothly.

Nick

[Panting]

Caitlin

Remember, don't come inside me.

Nick

What? Why not?

Caitlin

I had to take a break from the pill. The hormones were making my nipples hairy?

Nick

Oh, sh*t. Yeah. Of course. So... where should I come, then?

Caitlin

I don't know... wherever you want?

Nick

Okay. Like... your face?

Caitlin

Obviously not.

Nick

No. Sorry. We spoke about that.

Caitlin

Just come anywhere.

Nick

Uh, yep... right so just literally anywhere?

Caitlin

NOT ON ME!

[NICK promptly ejaculates over his graduation gown which he has left hanging over the back of a chair]

Clip 2

We all have our own personal definition of what a good friend is. It just so happens that Shane's definition is a little bit... stabby.

Nick

Rex got us tickets to that festival. Why would he do that if we weren't friends?

Shane

Not sure. I just thought they were nice to you because you go out with Caitlin. I... I guess for me a real friend is someone... who'd help you dispose of a body.

Nick

Just to be clear, I would not help you dispose of a body.

Shane

No, no, no, I'm not encouraging you to kill anyone. I'm just saying when it happens I'll be there to help you dismember the corpse.

Nick

Thank you. That'll be nice.

Shane

You're welcome.

Nick

Be a nice day. Two mates together. Chopping up a murder victim.

Clip 3

Breaking up is hard to do. But, in the case of Nick and Caitlin, pretty much inevitable by the sound of things. Oh and is "Korean cartoon porn" a thing? I'd rather not Google it.

Caitlin

I guess I kind of assumed that we'd... you know... break up?

Nick

Why would we do that?

Caitlin

It's just what uni couples do, isn't it? You get out of the bubble and you realise it was never going to work. My sister and her ex went out for the whole of uni and then broke up.

Nick

Yeah, that's 'cos she woke up one night and he was wa*king over Korean cartoon porn.

Clip 4

It's the graduation ceremony. Gowns, mortarboards, family, friends... and this awkward interjection in front of everyone. Way to go, Nick.

Dean

Sandeep Tulwah. Angela...

Nick

Sorry, Sandeep. Um, sorry everyone. There's something I want to say. Um... Caitlin. I'm sorry. I don't know what happened earlier, but... I'm sorry. I didn't mean for us to fight and I don't want us to break up. I love you and I know you love me too, so... can we just... forget what happened? Whatever it was. Please.

Caitlin

No, Nick.

Nick

No?

Caitlin

No. I don't want to get back together. Especially not like this.

Nick

But we're meant to be together. And grow old together. We lost our virginities to each other. Doesn't that mean anything to you? I guess not. I guess I'm just a fu*king idiot. Actually, no. I'm not an idiot. You're just a heartless monster. You're mean. You are mean. And you're spindly. And... and guess what? I don't wanna get back together with you. Good riddance. That's not true. I didn't mean that, Caitlin. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please take me back. Caitlin? Please? Caitlin? Hmm? Please? Caitlin? Caitlin? Please? Caitlin? Caitlin? Caitlin. I didn't mean that. Caitlin? I'm gonna be sick.

[NICK bends at the waist on the stage and begins to dry heave]

Clip 5

You may be wondering how this awkward conversation (about foreskins) came to be. I'm wondering that very thing. I think I can only say that Robin is as creepy as fu*k.

Robin

God, I wish I was going with you guys. I used to be a real festival head in my roaring twenties. One word of advice, though. Shane, I know that you're circumcised -

Shane

Probably remember from the pool.

Robin

- but Nick, how about you? Uh, you still got the old, uh... boatman's hood? You know, the boatman's hood? What we call the boatman's hood? The boatman's hood. It's what we call the foreskin.

Nick

Pretty sure no-one calls it that.

Robin

Anyway, the golden rule of festivals is to wash that bugger at least three times a day. Okay... you can remind him, Shane. Once, at a festival in Denmark, a friend of mine let the smegma build up even though we warned him. We could smell it in the tent. He got Septicaemia and to stop it from spreading they had to remove... his whole penis. Imagine that. Just a bloody stump where your willy used to be.

Nick

Hmm.

Robin

Yeah.

Clip 6

Nick and Shane are on a train with child tickets. They're trying to avoid the ticket inspector. Their new friend, Amy, has a plan. But not a very good plan. They're in the toilet.

Nick

So, what's the plan?

Amy

This. This is the plan.

Nick

Standing in a toilet?

Amy

Yeah.

Nick

That's not a plan. We're in the exact same situation we were in two minutes ago. Except now there's a strong whiff of p*ss. What do we do if he finds us?

Amy

Easy. Just pretend we're doing something really private. Like having sex.

Shane

There's three of us.

Amy

Pretend we're having a threesome.

Nick

Well, how is that any better? We'll just be fare-dodgers who are also having an orgy.

Clip 7

They've made it to the festival but Nick isn't particularly psyched. For reasons that will become only too obvious in a moment.

Nick

Everything smells of sh*t.

Amy

Exactly!

Nick

Amy, where can you like... see the acts?

Amy

On the stages.

Shane

I mean, when they're not performing.

Amy

Oh, uh... backstage I guess. Why?

Shane

I wanna try to meet Hammerhead.

Amy

Oh, he's great.

Shane

I wanna get a selfie, play him my tunes, maybe convince him to legally adopt me.

Amy

Well, the best way to get backstage is either be a famous person or to be willing let a famous person put their genitals in your mouth.

Shane

Sounds like a fair deal. What do you reckon, Nick?

Nick

I'm not sucking off James Corden just to get back stage.

Clip 8

Gordy has packed enough narcotics to kill off Snoop Dogg. He's sniffing lines of coke like an anteater huffs an anthill.

[GORDY snorts a line of coke from the table]

Rex

Whoa! Kind of assumed it'd be like... one line each.

Gordy

One line of coke each? What is this... midnight mass? Don't worry, there's plenty more where that came from.

[He begins rooting around in his rucksack]

Hang on. I don't think that was coke. I got my stashes mixed up. That was all ketamine. That's like... the third time this year. I've gotta get a fu*king pen! Right, gang. That's the weekend over for me. I'm gonna head for my tent, put on some Norah Jones and try and ride this one out. Enjoy the festival!

Clip 9

Shane REALLY needs to work on his metaphors. This one stinks. Literally.

Shane

Nick... getting back with an ex is never a good idea. It's like when you try to use the same piece of toilet paper to wipe your ass. You know, you fold it over, pretending it's not already covered in crap but before you know it there's... there's sh*t all over your fingers and, you know, you're trying to turn the tap on with your elbows and your mum's going mad because she wants to use the toilet -

Nick

What are you talking about?

Shane

[Sighs]

Clip 10

Having ditched Amy on the first day of the festival, Nick is actually quite pleased to see her on the morning of the second.

Amy

Oh my giddy God, SHANE! NICK! What are you guys doing here?

Nick

There's literally nowhere else to camp.

Shane

Oh and Nick got caught watching his ex suck off a guy with one leg.

Amy

Oh! Rookie mistake!

Clip 11

Bear with me on this but Nick has just met a gorgeous smurf. And she's got MDMA. Which he's not tried before. But he's about to. With a smurf. Yeah. It's THAT kind of movie.

Nick

Well if I see a load of smurfs, I'll tell 'em you're looking for them.

Smurf

Don't bother. I've got all the MDMA so it's actually worked out really well. Hey, I totally owe you. Do you... fancy a bit?

Nick

Oh, no thanks. I'm... full.

Smurf

Full?

Nick

Also, I'm not really in the mood.

Smurf

Hah! That's exactly why this stuff was invented. Come on... it'll be fun.

Nick

Are you sure it's safe?

Smurf

Oh don't worry. My girlfriend's had them tested. There's no cement mix in these ones.

Nick

I dunno.

Smurf

Maybe just... start with a half? Come on. Open wide...

[She pops half an MDMA tablet into NICK'S mouth]

Good boy.

Nick

I'm not going to imagine my d*ck's a sausage and start trying to fry it, am I?

Smurf

Guess we'll find out!

Clip 12

Shane and Amy have stumbled upon a Druid meeting in the forest. Well, it's not a meeting. More of a wedding but not like any wedding I've ever been to. The bride's a goat.

Brother Julian

Let the binding commence.

Shane

Okay, what's happening now?

Amy

I don't know. Brother Julian, what's going on?

Brother Julian

Oh, my son is about to be bound to his new bride.

Amy

[Points to a woman who's been led away from the makeshift altar]

Oh, but I thought that that was his wife?

Brother Julian

No, no. David is marrying a goat.

[It's implied that BROTHER DAVID drops his pants and mounts a goat]

Amy

Oh my God!

Shane

Fu*king hell!

[The DRUIDS chant "the binding" over and over as DAVID has his way with... a goat]

Clip 13

Whilst high on MDMA, Nick and "Smurfette" have, apparently, been up to no good.

Caitlin

You said that you were a Viking army and that you were going to pillage the living sh*t out of us.

Nick

I'm so sorry. I was off my head on some very powerful drugs.

Caitlin

Yeah. That was pretty obvious.

Rex

And Gordy's missing. Did you fu*king steal Gordy? 'Cos I swear to God, if you stole Gordy -

Nick

I didn't steal Gordy. At least, I don't think I did.

Pirate

Hey, look who it is. Genghis C*nt!

Nick

Pirate, I am so, so sorry about all this.

Pirate

Yeah, well you should be. That was some really messed-up sh*t.

Nick

I know that an apology probably isn't enough but I... I brought back your leg.

[NICK offers PIRATE the prosthetic leg he found]

Pirate

That's not my leg.

Clip 14

Climbing over a wire fence to get back into the festival isn't a great idea. Especially when you're sporting a nipple ring. Which gets caught in the wire. I just can't watch this bit. It's awful!

Shane

Nick, what are you waiting for? Jump.

Nick

Okay, I've just... my nipple ring is caught. If you lift me up, I can get it off.

[SHANE begins to lift NICK so that he can disentangle his nipple ring from the fence]

Amy

Oh sh*t, I think someone's coming!

[Panicking, SHANE drops NICK who falls from the fence, tearing off his nipple in the process]

Nick

Aargh! Aargh!

Amy

Huh! Phew! It was nothing. My bad!

Clip 15

Hammerhead has eaten some of Amy's "stew in a bar" and has had a serious anaphylactic reaction to the crab meat. His face has swollen up.

Amy

Do you like soup?

David

Sorry it took so long, nobody queues -

[He sets eyes on his heavily swollen act]

AARGH! What the FU*K?!

Amy

Oh, great... you're back. Well, I'll just get out of your hair.

David

What the hell happened?

Amy

Oh, nothing. A little mishap involving some crab meat. Isn't that right, Mr. Hammerhead?

David

Well, he can't go out there like this.

Amy

Oh, don't worry about that. Shane's gone out there instead.

David

What? Are you insane?

Amy

Glass houses, mate. You fu*ked a goat!