10 MP3 Audio clips from Season 3 of Ghosts (UK) (2019)

PLAY ALL 40 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Thomas is giving Alison elocution lessons in readiness for her TV debut in a documentary chronicling the history of Button House.

Thomas

The butler burnt the butter but the bacon bore the brunt. The butler burnt the butter but the bacon bore the brunt. The butler burnt the butter but the bacon bore the brunt. The butler burnt the butter but the bacon...

[He notices that ALISON is looking amused]

... something amusing?

Alison

Sorry it's just... it's hard to think of you in a sort of... well, teacher role.

Thomas

Ah. I see. Because of the frisson.

Alison

The frisson?

Thomas

The frisson. Between us. I know it is difficult, Alison but while you are under my tutelage you really must pretend there is no frisson.

Alison

Thomas, there is no frisson.

Thomas

That's the spirit.

Mike has asked a friend to design a sweater with a logo for Button House. He's on the phone to him now. Only the man is a prize-winning idiot.

Designer

This sweater is my Sistine Chapel roof.

Mike

Ceiling.

Designer

Is it? Good. 'Cos I just Googled the roof and I weren't blown away.

Alison has promised to give Kitty dance lessons. But their plans are interrupted by Mary and then the arrival of a half-sister Alison didn't even know she had.

Kitty

Come on, Alison. Let's -

Alison

Okay.

Kitty

- start straight away.

Mary

Alison...

Kitty

I was thinking we could -

Mary

Alison...

Kitty

- grow from a seed into a flower -

Mary

Alison! There's womens (sic) on television talking about all sorts, giving their opinions freely.

Fanny

Loose Women, Mary... awful programme.

Mary

Yeah. Yes, Loose Womens. (sic)

Robin

Me like Christine Lampard.

Mary

I do fear for them, Alison. If the men folk catch them so wantonly expressing theirselves (sic), uh... the loud one.

Robin

Coleen Nolan.

Mary

Well, she will be ducked for sure.

[There's a knock at the door]

Alison

It's probably just a parcel. I'll be one sec.

Robin

You want play Chess?

Julian

Uhhh... not today, Robin.

Robin

Then I will play with myself.

Fanny is suspicious of Lucy, Alison's apparent long-lost half-sister. And it reminds her of a particularly unpleasant chapter in her own life.

Fanny

Before you know it, she'll be travelling the world... all expenses paid... paid by you.

Alison

What are you talking about?

Fanny

I had tickets for a luxury cruise. Trip of a lifetime. First class, upper decks. But I arrived in Southampton to find that apparently there was already a Lady Button aboard.

Alison

Right.

Fanny

Damned certain it was a young lady came to the house looking for a housekeeping vacancy when there wasn't one. Used my identity to cheat her way onto the Titanic.

Alison

Hang on... the Titanic?

Fanny

Mmmm.

Alison

The Titanic sank. Aren't you glad you weren't on it?

Fanny

People forget that before the iceberg it was a perfectly pleasant trip.

Alison

So... you... did go?

Fanny

No. I've seen the motion picture. Only you wouldn't catch me letting some American oik paint my breasts.

Thomas is so unlucky he could fall into a bucket of tits and come up sucking his thumb. Take, for instance, his European travels which resulted in zero poetic inspiration.

Thomas

I saw the most celebrated sights of Europe. I just... wasn't inspired. No matter how beautiful the landscape, nothing came. I returned home with an empty notebook.

Alison

You must have got something from it.

[Cut to: Rustic lavatory in Spain, some hideous sounds emanating from inside and a disgruntled local hammering on the door]

Local

Signore!

Thomas

Sorry! Un momento por favore!

Local

SIGNORE!

Pat

Carol always wanted to go to France. I said, "You don't need to go abroad to have a nice holiday. We haven't seen half of this beautiful country yet." But she had her heart set on it so... I decided to book it for our anniversary.

Alison

That's lovely.

Pat

Yeah. We didn't go in the end.

Alison

Oh no. Why?

Pat

Because I was dead, Alison. I was dead.

Ahh... cocktails. A Slow Comfortable Screw Against The Wall, Sex On The Beach... we are talking about drinks, right?!

Julian

Well, there are lots of exciting options but I like Sex on the Beach.

Pat

Is that vodka-based or...

Julian

Oh. Are we talking about drinks?

Thomas

Be a port and lemon for me. Bitter, tart...

Humphrey's Head

You said it, mate.

Robin

What if was puddle water mixed with river water?

Pat

It's still not a c*cktail, Robin.

Robin

It's all I've ever drunk!

Pat

Right. And seeing as Mary doesn't partake...

Mary

'Tis the devil's juice.

Pat

..that just about wraps up our Inaugural C*cktail Society.

Captain

C*ck Soc.

Pat

No, we're not calling it that, mate.

Captain

When I was fucdut as CO of Ick...

Pat

Those aren't real words!

Captain

..it was the highlight of our week on a Friday night...

[THE CAPTAIN is interrupted by FANNY in an unseasonably good mood]

Fanny

[SINGING]

I... oh, I feel good. What a day it is...

Kitty

Is that me?

Fanny

Good morning! Good morning! Ra-ta-ta-ta, ra-ta-ta... Oh, Kitty! What pretty hair you have today! And, Robin, looking very sprightly. And a lovely smile as always, from my dearest Pat-A-Cake!

Humphrey's Head doesn't approve of his decapitated body having an affair with the similarly deceased Lady Fanny Button. Not at all. Hang on... Fanny Button? Is that not another name for a...

Humphrey's Head

If you'd have told me four hundred years ago that one day I'd be watching my decapitated body having an affair with a sixty-year-old dead woman, I'd have said you were mad.

Lord Bummenbach had the most magnificent balls in the County. Now there's an expression that hasn't aged well.

Kitty's Father

Now, in happier matters... we have been invited to a ball.

[KITTY and ELLIE gasp, delightedly]

It is to be held by Lord Bummenbach whose balls are the most magnificent in the County.

Oysters. They're like licking phlegm from a turtle. Why anyone would want to eat one is beyond me. They belong at the bottom of the sea. They certainly don't belong in someone's mouth. Yuk.

Alison

Kitty, did you want to tell us what happened at the Ball?

Kitty

Well, it was just more and more bad luck...

[Dissolve to: Flashback to Kitty's bedroom in mansion]

[ELLIE brings KITTY a tray of Oysters]

Ellie

Look, Catherine!

Kitty

Oysters for breakfast?

Ellie

It is a special occasion, after all.

[KITTY swallows an Oyster from its shell]

Kitty

And they're lovely and warm!

Ellie

They are.

Kitty

Aren't you having one?

Ellie

Oh, I've already had mine downstairs. I couldn't wait!

Kitty

[Narrating over the flashback]

They were delicious, but I must have had a sensitive tummy from all the excitement because... I was very sick.

[We play out on KITTY being very sick into a bowl]

Kitty and The Captain are discussing the photograph of Alison's father given to her by Lucy. But there's a discrepancy between the image and the story behind it.

Kitty

That's Cornwall.

Captain

No, no, no. That's... that's Weymouth. No, I... I... r... recognise the pillbox on the rise there, just over his right shoulder, do you see? Yeah, I actually went on manoeuvres. First time I got to fire a Bren gun. Very exciting. I did hit a seagull. I still feel bad about it, actually. I mean, it's the silence... after the shot. One minute they're cawing away happily, the next it's just... feathers.