14 MP3 Audio clips from Season 4 of Ghosts (UK) (2019)

PLAY ALL 40 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

It's easy to be star struck. I once bumped into Nick Knowles coming out of M&S. Yeah. I know. I'm not sure why I mentioned that, either.

Pat

It is exciting, meeting someone off the telly though, isn't it? You know, someone famous? I actually met Bobby Davro in the changing rooms of the Thimbleby Leisure Centre. I lent him my talc.

Captain

Mm. I met Field Marshal Harold Alexander. Bally hero.

Pat

Anyone else?

Thomas

Byron. Was a tosspot.

Kitty

I suppose if I'd lived a little longer, I might have met someone interesting.

Lady Button

I met the Elephant Man.

Alison

What? You met John Merrick? What was he like?

Lady Button

Rather boring. Couldn't see the fuss.

Julian

Hmm, let me see... how about... the Queen?! Now... beat that.

Humphrey

Henry the eighth?

Ensemble

Whoah!

Mike and Alison are eager to receive their first review as hosts. And one's just come in. It appears sabotaging the wi-fi in the Gate House wasn't the best idea they've ever had.

Mike

Hmm! A review. "Lovely house. Pleasant stay. Wi-Fi was patchy. Three stars."

Alison

Ohhh, for fu...

Captain

Fa, fa, fa, fa... fa, fa, fa...

Robin is surprisingly knowledgeable about Chess. For a caveman, that is. But as cultured as he may appear, he can't help himself. When he sees a squirrel, he has to chase it down.

Robin

So you sacrifice your horsey, dooka-dooka, but you trick them with prawns in middle of the board, in a V formation.

Alison

You always surprise me, Robin. I know you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but I often forget how cultured...

Robin

SQUIRREL! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!

Mary describes "passing over" from the afterlife to the life eternal as being "sucked off" because she doesn't understand the sexual connotation of that phrase.

Mary

Well, I suppose we should all just make most of it, until we finally receive our blessed suckings-off.

And the sexual innuendo continues. Alison has lost the stone from her mother's ring. A piece of her ring. Her... ring piece. Yeah. Another word for her... ring piece. Sorry about that.

Thomas

Alison! Alison! I just wanted to tell you I found your ring piece. Your jewel. And it's -

Alison

Right, let me guess, its beauty cannot hope to match the deep pools of my eyes.

Thomas

No. I was just going to say it's up in the attic room.

It's a common misunderstanding. Well, actually... no, it's not. But it would be if we actually spent our time talking to the dead.

Julian

It was Kitty who pushed her over the edge.

Kitty

That's a lie!

Julian

You said you wished she was dead.

Kitty

No, I didn't. Quite the opposite. I said that I wanted to comfort her and hope that one day, God willing, I'll be able to hug her and hold her and... yes, I see what you mean.

Sorry is NOT the hardest word, regardless of what Elton John would have us believe. Antidisestablishmentarianism is the hardest word. Unless you're Robin. Then it's "Apothecary."

Pat

I suppose Elton John was right. Sorry does seem to be the hardest word.

Robin

No. Hardest word is "apolocathry." Ap...

Humphrey

Apothecary.

Robin

Apottecaty.

Humphrey

Apothecary.

Robin

Apoppercappy.

Humphrey

Just say chemist.

Robin

No, no, no. Come on. Come on.

Humphrey

Ugh. Apothecary.

Robin

Apoliceacademy.

You'd think that ghosts, being one step closer to angels, would be able to sing like... well, angels but, as we're about to discover, that's really not the case.

Ensemble

[Wailing out of tune]

Julian

I mean, come on.

Lady Button

One is reminded of Battersea Dogs Home.

Humphrey

Really? Was there a fire?

For the record, A Quiet Place is NOT a "chill-out" movie. Just because it has "quiet" in the title, doesn't mean it's going to make for relaxing viewing.

Mike

Come on, the feature presentation is about to begin.

Alison

Hooray. Okay. What is it?

Mike

I think I found the perfect chill-out movie. It's only ninety minutes long and it could not sound more relaxing. "A Quiet Place."

Alison

Ooh!

[We hear the movie playing]

Alison

Well, that is the most traumatic thing I will see today.

What better way to celebrate the glory of morning but with the Dawn's Chorus? I mean, there's no better way to enjoy your morning glory... no, right. Yeah. I see what I said there. Sorry.

Kitty

Sorry, when you said Dawn Chorus Club, I thought you meant we'd be singing.

Captain

No. Just the birds, Kitty.

Julian

Will there be tits? Only joined so I could say that.

Lady Button

Typical, Julian. And you can stop that sniggering, Robin.

Oh, God no. No, no, no. Someone needs to tell Kitty that the ascent to Heaven is NOT referred to as being "sucked off." They are two very different experiences.

Lady Button

Where's Robin?

Thomas

I don't want to be a harbinger of doom...

Julian

He does.

Thomas

... but I haven't seen him for two days.

Captain

Three, now you come to mention it.

Kitty

Oh, no. You don't think...?

Mary

He's been sucked off. Lucky beggar.

Veganism. I don't understand it. Well, I do but I could never become a vegan. At a push, I could give vegetarianism a go. Temporarily. But to give up dairy, fish and eggs as well? Hell no!

Captain

"Veg-ann?"

Thomas

Vegan.

Captain

What?

Pat

No meat, no fish, no dairy.

Captain

Oh, right.

Pat

Good luck to them, I say. Can't be easy going cold turkey on luncheon meat and Billy Bear ham.

Thomas

And eggs.

Pat

You what?

Thomas

Alison said they don't eat eggs.

Pat

What's wrong with 'em? I mean, what they having with their chips? What are they dipping their soldiers in? What they putting on top of their gammon?

Thomas

They wouldn't have gammon.

Pat

Don't change the subject! What's wrong with eggs?

Mike has bought a massive stuffed bear for Button House. Alison is really not keen. It's not going in the kitchen whilst she still has blood in her veins. So, the staircase it is.

Lady Button

Oh!

Alison

I know.

Lady Button

Oh, I have never seen such a tasteless, mangy looking... oh, it's a Gerrard.

Alison

A what?

Lady Button

Gerrard & Sons. The undisputed masters of taxidermy. They're the chaps who did Dante for me.

Alison

Oh.

Lady Button

Oh, yes, yes. Now look at the detail, Alison. Do you see how they've gathered the hide into the pinch of the anus?

Alison

Oh, OK. OK. I'm going to just go and think about that sentence, forever.

Lady Button

Tremendous.

The stuffed bear has caused quite a stir. Especially for Robin who had a particularly nasty experience with one back in the Paleolithic period.

Cellar Ghost

What did it look like, then?

Robin

Eh?

Cellar Ghost

This bear you saw. Up there.

Robin

It look like bear.

Cellar Ghost

Well, yeah, but what, brown bear, grizzly bear, Kodiak bear?

Robin

I don't know. If you see bear in house, probably right bear.

Cellar Ghost

No offence, but what are you scared of? You're already dead.

Robin

So is bear.