22 MP3 Audio clips from The Kennedys (2015)

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Julie is that child. A bully who won't allow other children to access the communal "fort" unless they know the "secret whisper". So Emma decides it's time to have her own.

Jane

[Having been playing with clackers]

All my fingers have stopped working.

Emma

One day, that fort's going to be mine.

Jane

You don't know the secret whisper.

Emma

Then I'll make up a new secret whisper. And then Julie won't be able to get in.

Jane

She'll just punch you in the face.

Emma

No she won't. Once you've said "secret whisper", that's it. It's secret whisper.

Jane

Is the secret whisper going to be that Nathan Coleman rubs his woolly through a hole in his pocket?

Emma

Not woolly. Willy.

So a secret whisper is needed. But Emma doesn't know what it should be. So who does a ten-year-old girl turn to for advice? Her mother. That's who.

Emma

Mum... I need to do a really good secret whisper but I'm not sure what.

Brenda

Why?

Emma

Because Julie won't let anyone in the fort. So I'm going to occupy it like when the Nazis occupied France.

Tony

Oh, well I don't think that's anything to aspire to if I'm honest.

Emma

Jane thinks I should make the secret whisper about Nathan Coleman... and how he plays with his willy through a hole in his pocket.

Brenda

How do you know that?

Emma

He showed me.

Brenda

Oh, Emma, Emma. Do not let boys show you their willies in pockets... I mean this... is what men do. Put your foot down now and you'll have a career. If men had their way we'd never achieve anything. We'd all just be standing there staring... at their... willies.

Emma and her father have witnessed Tim making out with Pamela whilst his pregnant girlfriend sits crying at home. It's a big deal. It's also a secret.

Brenda

Now listen, Emma. What you've seen is very serious. But you and your father did not see Tim kissing another woman.

Emma

Yes we did. He kissed her for ages... like this.

[EMMA begins snogging the back of her own hand]

Brenda

No... you did not. And you don't know Jenny's pregnant. Do you understand? Emma. This is a secret whisper. It's the most secret whisper you could ever imagine.

Tony

Do not, under any circumstances, tell Jenny that Tim's having an affair with a big-breasted woman with a tidy garden. Have you got it?

Brenda

You noticed her breasts, did you?

Tony

Trust me... you'd have noticed them, too.

A chance meeting with his "bit on the side" whilst out for the day with his girlfriend puts the safety of Tim's testicles in serious jeopardy.

Pamela

Who are they?

Tim

Dunno... not with us.

Pamela

Was that your girlfriend?

Tim

Now... I, I... know this looks wrong.

Pamela

You told me she was in a wheelchair and she couldn't use her hands or mouth.

Tim

I never said mouth.

[PAMELA flies for TIM and they fall to the floor in embittered combat]

A dinner party. Very cosmopolitan for 1970s Hertfordshire. And not the place to find out that you're going to be a father. Although technically a turkey baster did the work.

Dee

So... how long have you been married?

Jenny

We're not. We just... live together.

Dee

In the same house? Very modern. And you're having a baby.

Jenny

Sorry, what?

Dee

Oh, I can always tell with women and guinea pigs. You're pregnant.

[There's an incredibly awkward silence]

Jenny

Yes. Yes. I am.

Tim

Sorry, what? Pregnant? Well, how come?

Emma

Well, the man makes a sort of love soup.

Brenda

Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh!

It's Valentine's Day. Emma has received a card from a mystery admirer. Who could it be? And will they survive when her father finds out?

Emma

I got a Valentine card.

Brenda

She did.

Jenny

Oh! How exciting! Do you know who sent it?

Emma

No. But I'm going to find out who did. And then Dad's going to kill him.

Tony

I am.

Jenny

Well, have you looked for clues? Stamp mark, handwriting, if the card's got a distinctive smell about it.

[EMMA sniffs the card]

Emma

Smells of sherbert lemons.

Jenny

Well, there you go. That's your first clue. Do you know anyone who runs a sweet shop?

Emma

Old Mister Bennett with the weepy eye. Blimey. I hope it's not from him!

Fatherhood. The anticipation and fear of your first-born's arrival. The books, the classes, the endless questions. Luckily, Tim has Tony to lean on.

Tim

[Reading from an instructional manual for new fathers]

Some women find it hard to cope with a new baby so feel free to lend a hand. Right. So it's not compulsory?

Tony

It's fine. It's just feeding, bathing and putting to bed. It's nothing difficult.

Tim

But it's not compulsory.

Tony

It's the new thing, Tim. Hands-on Dad skills. The days of sitting back and doing nothing are over. Trust me. You need to prepare yourself.

Tim

Last time someone told me to prepare myself it was a doctor with a greased finger in the air!

Emma is distraught. Donny Osmond has got married, breaking the hearts of pre-pubescent girls the world over. A good opportunity for Tim to practice his parenting skills.

Emma

[Cries bitterly on the floor]

Tim

Never try and cheer up a woman, Tony. It's like trying to calm a -

Tony

Tim... this is a perfect chance for you to try out some of your Dad skills. Go on. Say something nice to her.

Tim

Hey! I like you! More than I like... beer.

Emma

Is that true?

Tim

No. No it isn't.

Emma

[Continues crying with renewed vigour]

Tony

Come here. Come on. Up you get. Come on. Eh?

Brenda and Jenny are desperate to make friends with their new neighbours. Some form of cultural exchange, perhaps? Yes. That ought to do it. But they need something... quintessentially British.

Brenda

Now let's think. What's really British?

Jenny

We could turn off all the lights in the house and pretend we're having a power cut.

Brenda

I'm not feeling the fun, Jenny.

Jenny

What about a strike? And a picket line? I've got an old dustbin. We could set fire to it.

Brenda

We can't stand around a burning dustbin in their living room. Besides... I, I don't have a cloth cap. Or a Northern accent.

Jenny

What about a picture of the Queen made from roast beef?

Brenda

If a string Angela Ripon didn't blow their socks off, a beef Queen is getting us nowhere. No, we need to think up something glorious. Something cultural. Something with a wow factor.

Jenny

I could do my impression of Frank Spencer. Oooh, Betty. I did a whoopsie on the carpet. Oooh.

Brenda

Jenny, that's dreadful.

Tim is still trying to cheer Emma up. And he's as awkward around children as a diabetic at a sugar factory.

Tim

Do you like bonfires?

[Cut to waste ground. TIM'S attempt at building a cot is aflame with a doll inside it. He and EMMA are standing awkwardly, watching it burn]

Emma

It's like the sun has gone in forever.

Tim

I thought you said you like bonfires.

Emma

I feel dark inside.

[Cut to Kennedys' living room]

Tony

You took a child to some wasteland, set fire to a baby and then told her that her childhood was over? What is the matter with you?

Tim

I never said "over".

Emma

He did.

Tim

Such a snitch.

Brenda and Jenny are announcing the forthcoming cultural exchange with their new Scandinavian neighbours to Tim, Tony and Emma.

Jenny

And... they're not just Danish.

Brenda

No. They're not. Guess what else they are.

Tony

Goat Herders.

Tim

Spies. Sexy ones that strangle people with their thighs?

Jenny

No. They're lesbians.

Brenda

Actual... Danish... lesbians.

Jenny

Danish lesbians!

Emma

What's a Danish lesbian?

Tony

Well, um... it's a woman that loves another woman. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Tim

At... all.

Tony, Brenda, Emma, Tim and Jenny are walking to the home of their new neighbours. For a cultural exchange by way of a greeting to Britain.

Tim

Brenda, you know you asked us to think up some British customs to share?

Brenda

For the cultural exchange, yes.

Tim

Well, there was this man I knew. He used to be in the Navy. And he could knock a snooker ball into a pocket with his own t -

Brenda

Tim. Is this going where I think it's going?

Tim

Yes. In the pocket off the pink.

Brenda

Stay quiet and offer to do the washing-up at the end or something.

Brenda simply can't be out-shone by the Palmers. Not when the whole cultural exchange thing was her idea.

Lotte

You're both scientists? So impressive.

Brenda

I teach English. Actual English and, uh... Jenny can type.

Jenny

Hundred and twenty words a minute with my eyes closed. Hundred and thirty if I don't have to use the Q.

Emma

[Indicating to TONY]

Well, he farted the first line of Land of Hope and Glory once. That's really British!

Jessopportunity Knocks has been won by David and Dee but it's not all bad. At least Jenny has discovered a hidden talent.

Jenny

Well, we might not have won the trophy but at least we know I've got superpowers in my wrist.

Tim

And that's a big thumbs-up from me!

It's the big day. Jenny and Tim are getting married. Brenda had one job to do. To find something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue. And she forgot.

Emma

You don't need to do borrowed. Mum says get blue. And make it lucky.

Tim

I've got a Penthouse under the bed. Sometimes, when I show it to Jenny, I get lucky.

Tony

It's not that sort of blue, Tim.

It's happening. Tim and Jenny are about to become husband and wife. But Jenny's dress didn't fit so she's wearing a modified whale costume from the local Amateur Dramatics Society.

Registrar

Looking at the bride and groom today, I'm reminded that embarking on marriage is like embarking on a long voyage across unchartered seas.

Brenda

No.

Registrar

Or, to use another analogy, marriage is a circle of love. Today, you will exchange vows which will unite you as man and whale... I mean, wife.

They're all going on a summer holiday. To Wales. Camping. Not exactly the height of sophistication. But a holiday nonetheless.

Tony

Last chance saloon, Tim. Still time for you to whisk Jenny away to Magaluf.

Tim

A man spending a week on his own with a pregnant woman he can't have sex with. Tony, I'm not sure that's even legal!

The journey to Wales is a long and tedious one. So tedious, in fact, that although Emma isn't playing, Tim has opted for game of I Spy.

Tim

I spy with my little I, something beginning with "T".

Jenny

Tits.

Tim

Every time.

Campsite reached, the weather is closing in and Brenda, Mrs. Kennedy and Jenny are perched on deck chairs trying to make the most of it.

Brenda

We couldn't have asked for a lovelier view.

Mrs. Kennedy

Dead sheep. Terrible omen, that is. I once knew a woman who swore blind that every time she saw a dead sheep, someone died.

Brenda

Oh I do hope that's not true. That would be awful.

The thing about anecdotes is that they should be suitable for their intended audience. And I'm not sure what kind of audience THIS anecdote would be suitable for.

Mrs. Kennedy

Oh, did I tell you, Brenda, that Megan Jones has got an inside toilet?

Brenda

Oh?

Mrs. Kennedy

Terrible trouble she had putting it in. The fella fixing it was deaf and couldn't hear a word she said. Well, she was desperate to go, shoved him out of the way, sat down and had a poo the size of a child's forearm. And she flushed the toilet but the pipe wasn't connected. Out shot the poo, like a weasel, fell through a hole in the floorboards and landed on the kitchen floor below where the man was having a cup of tea.

There's a storm coming. The group have decided to abandon the tent in favour of a nearby caravan. But would that be trespass? Or burglary? And do any of them really care?

Mrs. Kennedy

Oh, blow that! I'm eating pickled eggs in a pool of p*ss. Now let's get the hell out of here!

The starter motor in Tony's Landrover has gone wrong and the group are pleased to see the AA turn up to rescue them from a holiday worse than a day in Hell.

Brenda

I don't suppose you've got any oxygen on your truck, have you?

AA Man

Er, no. Why?

Brenda

My mother-in-law has eaten several large jars of pickled eggs in a little under twelve hours. Have we got anything to make a cup of tea?

Jenny

We've got some pickled egg water, um... the bucket?

Brenda

No.

[MRS. KENNEDY lets a rip-snorter go]

Tim

Sounds like a seal choking!