23 MP3 Audio clips from Blackadder II (1986)

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Kate has only her father since her mother shacked up with her Uncle Henry in Droitwich. And he's destitute. But he has a plan. A plan involving his own daughter selling her body for money.

Kate's Father

I'm sad because, my Darling, our poverty has now reached such extremes that I can no longer afford to keep us. And must look to my own, dear, tiny darling to sustain me in my frail dotage.

Kate

But father, surely...

Kate's Father

Yes, Kate. I want you to become a prostitute!

Kate

But really, Father.

Kate's Father

Do you defy me?

Kate

Why, indeed I do! For it is better to die poor than to live in shame and ignominy.

Kate's Father

No, it isn't!

Kate

I'm young and strong and clever. My nose is pretty. I shall find another way to earn us a living.

Kate's Father

Oh, please go on the game. It's a steady job and... and you'd be working from home.

Kate

Goodbye, Father. I shall go to London, disguise myself as a boy and seek my fortune.

Kate's Father

Oh why walk all the way to London when you can make a fortune lying on your back?!

Lord Percy has just missed a target and sent an arrow into Baldrick's flesh. But then, Baldrick was tied to the back of the door holding the target at the time.

Edmund

Bad luck, Balders.

Baldrick

Not to worry, my Lord. The arrow didn't in fact enter my body.

Edmund

Oh, good.

Baldrick

No. By a thousand-to-one chance, my willy got in the way.

Edmund

Extraordinary!

Baldrick

Yeah, I'd only just put it there. But now, I will leave it there forever.

Edmund

Quite so, Baldrick. It can be your lucky willy.

Baldrick

Yes, my Lord. Years from now I'll show it to my grandchildren.

Edmund

Yes, Baldrick, I think that grandchildren may now be out of the question.

[He pulls the arrow from BALDRICK'S "willy"]

Kate has arrived in London to make her fortune. She's dressed as a boy but she's fooling no-one.

[There's a knock at the door]

Edmund

Come in!

Kate

Good day to you, Lord Blackadder.

Edmund

[Turning to face the visitor]

Ahhh, good day to you... boy. What is it brings you here?

Kate

I'm an honest, hard-working lad.

[She slaps her thigh, pantomime style]

But poor and I must report to my father, who is stark-raving mad. Therefore I come to London to seek a servant's wage.

Edmund

Well, yes indeed. Unfortunately, I already have a servant.

Kate

The word is that your servant is the worst servant in London.

Edmund

Hmm. That's true. Baldrick, you're fired. Be out of the house in ten minutes. Well, young man. You've got yourself a job. What do they call you?

Kate

Kate.

Edmund

Isn't that a bit of a... girl's name?

Kate

Oh, it's... um... short for, um... Bob.

Edmund

Bob?

Kate

Yes.

Edmund

Well, Bob, welcome on board.

It's Percy's turn to welcome Bob to the Blackadder household. Only he has a tendency to come across as a little... creepy.

Percy

I say, Bob. I think this calls for a celebration. How about a game of Cup and Ball and a slap-up tea at Mrs. Miggins' Pie Shop?

Kate

Get lost, creep!

Percy

[Laughs]

I like you, young Bob. You've got balls.

Edmund is so enraptured by "Bob" that he hasn't visited the Royal Court in a long time which leads Queen Elizabeth to enquire as to his whereabouts.

Queen Elizabeth

Where's Edmund these days?

Lord Melchett

Ah, well the whisper on the underground grapevine, ma'am... is that Lord Blackadder is spending all his time with a young boy in his service.

Queen Elizabeth

Oh. Do you think he'd spend more time with me if I was a boy?

Lord Melchett

Oh, surely not, Madam.

Nursie

You almost were a boy, my little Cherrypip.

Queen Elizabeth

What?

Nursie

Yeah. Out you popped out of your mummy's tumkin and everyone shouted, "It's a boy! It's a boy!" And then someone said, "But it hasn't got a winkle!" and I said, "A boy without a winkle? God be praised, it's a miracle. A boy without a winkle." And then Sir Thomas Moore pointed out that a boy without a winkle is a girl. And everyone was really disappointed.

Lord Melchett

Ah, yes. Well, you see, he was a very perceptive man, Sir Thomas Moore.

Edmund is deeply troubled by his feelings for his boy servant and seeks some medical advice from Doctor Leech.

Doctor Leech

Now then... what seems to be the trouble?

Edmund

Well, it's my manservant.

Doctor Leech

I see. Well, don't be embarrassed. If you've got the Pox, just pop your, uh... manservant on the table and we'll take a look at it.

Edmund

No no, no... no. I mean... it's my real manservant.

Doctor Leech

Uh huh, and what's wrong with him?

Edmund

There's nothing wrong with him. That's the problem. He's perfect. And last night I almost kissed him.

Doctor Leech

I see... so you've started fancying boys then, have you?

Edmund

Not boys, a boy.

Doctor Leech

Yes, well let's not split hairs... it's all rather disgusting and naturally you're worried.

Edmund

Of course I'm worried.

Doctor Leech

Well of course you are. It isn't every day a man wakes up to discover he's a screaming bender with no more right to live on God's clean earth than a weasel. Ashamed of yourself?

Edmund

Not really, no.

Doctor Leech

Bloody hell, I would be!

Edmund is marrying Kate. Because he now knows that she's not a boy. She's all woman. And all that Edmund needs now is his Best Man by his side to oversee the nuptials and support him.

Edmund

I really did think old Flash would have turned up.

[There's an explosion and LORD FLASHHEART descends into the Royal Court]

Flash

It's me!

Edmund

Flash!

Flash

Flash by name, flash by nature. HURRAY!

[An unseen crowd respond]

Edmund

Where have you been?

Flash

Where haven't I been?! WOOF! But I'm here now and -

[He notices PERCY stood where the Best Man should stand]

Who... is THAT?

Edmund

I dunno, but he's in your place.

Flash

Not for long.

[He takes out his dagger and hands it to BALDRICK who is dressed up as a bridesmaid]

Hold that.

[He picks PERCY up by the collar and throws him through the door of the Throne Room before retrieving his dagger from BALDRICK]

Thanks, Bridesmaid. Like the beard. Gives me something to hang on to!

It didn't take Flash long to make his move. He's stolen Kate from Edmund at the altar. And not only that, he's tickling her tonsils with his tongue.

Flash

Ah! She's got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a man's tonsils!

The Queen has made Edmund the Lord High Executioner and he's meeting his staff. Mr Ploppy and Mistress Ploppy. No relation. Just coincidence.

Edmund

Now then, woman. If indeed you are a woman. What is your function on death row?

Mistress Ploppy

I'm the last meal cook, Sir. The prisoners may ask me for what they fancy for their last meal -

Edmund

And you cook for them what they desire?

Mistress Ploppy

Oh yes, Sir. Provided they ask for sausages. Otherwise they tend to get a tiny bit disappointed. Sausages is all I've got.

Edmund

You are clearly a woman of principle and compassion, Mistress...

Mistress Ploppy

Ploppy, Sir.

Edmund

Ah, so you are married to...

Mistress Poppy

No. Many people think that but it's pure coincidence. We did laugh when first we found out. "Good morning, Mistress Ploppy!" he'd say. And I'd say, "Good morning, Mister Ploppy!"

[She begins to laugh raucously]

Edmund

The long winter evenings must just fly by!

Edmund has brought forward the execution of Lord Farrow. Trouble is, his wife has arrived to see him and the Queen has issued a death warrant for Edmund if he refuses. It's time to play dress-up.

Percy

Um... sorry about the delay, Madam. Uh... as you know, you are about to meet your husband, whom you will recognise on account of the fact that he has got a bag over his head.

Lady Farrow

I would know my Darling anywhere.

Percy

Well, yes. There are a couple of other things.

Lady Farrow

I am prepared for the fact that he may have lost some weight.

Percy

Yes. And some height. That's the interesting thing. Uh, you'll probably hardly recognise him at all, actually.

Lady Farrow

You will be telling me his arm's grown back next.

Percy

'Scuse... just for a sec...

[PERCY rushes back inside to impart the news that pretending to be the recently deceased Lord Farrow has just got a whole lot more tricky]

Queen Elizabeth I is about to discover that Edmund has made a terrible, terrible mistake. And in Tudor times, there was only one way to deal with terrible, terrible mistakes.

Edmund

Percy... this is a very difficult situation.

Percy

Yes, my Lord.

Edmund

Someone's for the chop. You or me in fact.

Percy

Uh, yes.

Edmund

Let's face facts, Perce. It's you!

Sir Walter Raleigh is making a triumphant return to England. Crowds have gathered, Percy is excited. Edmund, on the other hand, is indifferent.

Percy

Oh, come on, Edmund! The greatest explorer of our age is coming home. The streets have never been so gay. Women are laughing, children are singing... oh look! Look! There's a man being indecently assaulted by nine foreign sailors and he's still got a smile on his face!

Potatoes. Easy to forget that they were introduced to the Western world by Sir Walter Raleigh. Without him, no chips, no french fries, no shepherd's pie and no hash browns.

Edmund

To you, it's a potato. To me, it's a potato. But to Sir Walter bloody Raleigh, it's country estates, fine carriages and as many girls as his tongue can cope with. He's making a fortune out of the things. People are smoking them, building houses out of them. We'll be eating them next!

Tired of Walter Raleigh's tall tales, Edmund decides to take a voyage of his own to win back the affections of Queen Elizabeth. All he needs is a captain. And a crew. Oh and a ship.

Walter Raleigh

Hm, to my mind, there's only one seafarer with few enough marbles to attempt that journey.

Edmund

Ah, yes. And who's that?

Walter Raleigh

Why... Rum of course. Captain Redbeard Rum.

Edmund

Well done! Just testing. And where would I find him on a Tuesday?

Walter Raleigh

Uh, well, if I remember his habits he's usually up The Old Seadog.

Edmund

Ah, yes. And where is The Old Seadog?

Walter Raleigh

Well, on Tuesdays, he's normally in bed with the captain!

Redbeard has just met Nursie. Nursie likes a man. ANY man. Even a man with no legs and a beard you could lose a badger in.

Redbeard

In that case, my little puddin' of delight... let's beat about the bush no longer. I know I'm only a bluff old cove with no legs and a beard you could lose a badger in, but if you'll take me, I'm willing to be captain of your ship forever!

The Baby-Eating Bishop of Bath & Wells. He's a pretty despicable man. He's a loan shark with a habit of taking a red-hot poker to the bottom of anyone who fails to make payment.

Bishop

I will have my money by Evensong tonight or.... YOUR BOTTOM WILL WISH IT HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!

If Edmund doesn't come up with the money, it's red-hot poker time. But in order to come up with the money, he may have to tolerate other things invading his bottom. Down on the docks. So to speak.

Baldrick

I did have one idea, my Lord but... no. It's stupid, you wouldn't -

Edmund

What is it?

Baldrick

Well, I have heard there's good money to be made down the docks. Doing favours for sailors.

Edmund

Favours? What do you mean? Delivering messages, sewing on buttons? I can't...

Baldrick

Not quite.

Edmund

Baldrick.

Baldrick

My Lord?

Edmund

Are you suggesting that I become a Rent Boy?

Baldrick

Well, good looking bloke like you, posh accent, nice legs... you can make a bomb.

Not all sailors are deviants. Or desperate. Some, like Arthur, merely want a man to pretend to be his mother and kiss him on the cheek before reading him a story. Which is weirder really, isn't it?

Baldrick

Forgotten what I'm supposed to say.

Edmund

Oh, get out of the way. I'll do it.

[He walks up to the sailor]

There there, Arthur.

[He kisses the sailor's cheek]

Mummy kiss it better and you shall have a story.

Arthur

What kind of a story?

Edmund

I dunno. One about a squirrel, I suppose.

[Time passes]

And then Squirry the Squirrel went... NEEP NEEP NEEP... and they all went home for tea.

Arthur

Oh... thanks very much me old shivering maties, that was wonderful. Now then... how much do you charge for a good, hard shag?

The Queen has played a silly trick on Edmund and now she feels bad. Or so she says. My suspicion is that this is a second silly trick. But then I'm naturally cynical.

Queen Elizabeth

I wanted to apologise for the silly trick I played on you.

Edmund

Ah.

Queen Elizabeth

It was naughty and bad of me.

Nursie

It was, my little rosebud. And if you weren't quite so big, it'd be time for Mister and Missus Spank to pay a short, sharp trip to Bottyland.

Queen Elizabeth

Thank you, Nursie.

Mr. and Mrs. Pants are potential buyers for Edmund's house. He's showing them around but the question of the plumbing keeps coming up.

Mrs. Pants

But what about the privvies?

Edmund

Well... what we're talking about in, um... privvy terms, is the very latest in front wall, fresh air orifices combined with a wide-capacity gutter installation below.

Mrs. Pants

You mean, you crap out of the windows?

With Baldrick you have to be very clear when giving instructions. Ambiguity leads to disaster; a lesson that Edmund must surely have learned before now?

[There's a knock at the door]

Edmund

Get the door, Baldrick. Get the door.

[BALDRICK literally gets the door, dragging it back into the room with him]

Baldrick, I would advise you to make the explanation you are about to give... phenomenally good.

Baldrick

You said, "Get the door."

Edmund

Not good enough. You're fired.

Baldrick

But, my Lord, I've been in your family since 1532.

Edmund

So has syphilis. Now get out.

Edmund wants to write party invitations. In blood. Not HIS blood. Baldrick's blood.

Edmund

Uh, do you have a knife?

Baldrick

Yeah.

Edmund

Good. Because I wish to quickly send off some party invitations and to make them look particularly tough, I wish to write them in blood. Your blood to be precise.

Baldrick

How much blood will you actually be requiring, my Lord?

Edmund

Oh, nothing much. Just a small puddle.

Baldrick

Will you be wanting me to cut anything off? An arm or a leg for instance?

Edmund

Oh good Lord, no. A little pr**k should do.

Prince Ludwig. He's the master of disguise. As Edmund is about to find out. Not only have they met before but, dressed as a waitress, Edmund went to BED with him. Ludwig, I mean. HE was dressed up.

Prince Ludwig

You do not remember me then, Herr Blackadder?

Edmund

I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

Prince Ludwig

Oh, on the contrary. We have met many times. Although you knew me by another name. Do you recall a mysterious black marketeer and smuggler called Otto with whom you used to dine and plot and play the biscuit game at The Old Pizzle in Dover?

Edmund

My... GOD!

Prince Ludwig

Yes! I... was the waitress.

Edmund

I don't believe it. You? Big Sally?

[PRINCE LUDWIG puts on a squeaky, falsetto voice]

Will you have another piece of pie, my Lord?

Edmund

But I went to bed with you, didn't I?

Prince Ludwig

For my country, I am willing to make any sacrifice.

Edmund

Yes but I'm not. I must have been paralytic!

Prince Ludwig

Indeed you were, Mister Floppy!

Edmund

Yes, all right. Very funny. Very funny. Now... would you mind -

Prince Ludwig

[Putting on the falsetto voice again]

Such a disappointment for a girl.

Edmund

Yes, all right... you've had your little joke.

Prince Ludwig

It really doesn't matter. We'll try again in a few minutes. Have a look through these naughty parchments!