8 MP3 Audio clips from Grown Ups 2 (2013)

PLAY ALL 8 CLIPS

Clip 1

Whilst waiting for the school bus, conversation turns to just what Greg is doing for so long in the shower. Here's a hint: he's not conditioning his hair. Unless that's a new term for it.

Keithie Feder

Yeah, last day of school, Greg. Last chance to ask out Nancy Arbuckle.

Lenny Feder

Nancy Arbuckle? What's that? You like a girl? Is that why you've been taking them long showers?

Greg Feder

No... I'm, I'm, I'm... conditioning my hair. That's all I do in the shower. Condition my hair.

Lenny Feder

That's not what the deer told me.

Greg Feder

That deer's a liar.

Lenny Feder

[Laughs]

Becky Feder

I heard too much conditioning can make you go blind.

Lenny Feder

What? Where'd you hear that?

Becky Feder

Higgins.

Lenny Feder

[Laughs]

Oh, I should kill him!

Clip 2

Ah, the American school bus. Big, yellow, instantly recognisable. And driven by someone who's consumed so many drugs, even Ozzy Osbourne would say, "Whoa, that's a lot of drugs."

Keithie Feder

Yeah, 'cos thank God there's no crazy people out here.

[A school bus races up and skids to a halt, the door opening to reveal a very stoned looking driver]

Lenny Feder

How ya doin', Nick?

Nick

My wife's leaving me. After three weeks.

Lenny Feder

Three weeks? That's not bad for you. What... what happened?

Nick

She found me eating a banana. With my butt.

Lenny Feder

Ah. And she didn't like that?

Nick

Yeah, she got really bummed out. But, you know, I shouldn't have done it at her mom's house.

Lenny Feder

Yeah, you... you, uh... you seem like you're a little extra out of it today. What's goin' on?

Nick

Yeah, I'm a little medicated. I met a very reliable doctor at a Cypress Hill concert. And... uh, he... floated me a couple of pills... just to feel better, you know?

[In a falsetto voice]

BUT I DON'T FEEL BETTER.

[In a deep, demonic voice]

YOU FEEL WORSE!

Clip 3

If your aerobics instructor is running late and a scruffy janitor walks in and tries to lead you through a warm-up, it MAY not be as innocent as it seems. You might want to ignore him. You're welcome!

Janitor

Welcome to Squat Fitness, ladies. Uh, apparently your... new instructor's running a bit late.

Pupil

Uh, I'm sorry... it's only five to -

Janitor

Yeah, so he asked me to lead you in some warm-up exercises. So, everybody, up on your feet. And... let's take a deep breath. Good. Deeper. Really stretch out those lungs. And now let's shimmy. Shake the shoulders back and forth. Shake them. Very good. Very good. Yeah! Oh yeah! Now let's do some, uh, jackhammer squats. Right, put your hands in front of you like this, just relax. Then squat up and down but fast. Fast. Faster. There you go, really fast. Faster, FASTER! Uh... it's too fast. A little slower. Now. Everybody turn, face the back of the room, bend over and reach for your toes.

Pupil

Why do we have to turn around?

Janitor

IF you please! And... bend over. As low as you can go. And take the right hand and... slap it against the right... cheek. Relax the wrist and slap that right butt. Slap it. Good, I wanna HEAR that slap. OH, YES! This is WONDERFUL!

Instructor

Morning, ladies! You started without me?

Janitor

Yes. Just like you asked me to.

[Conspiratorially]

Say it's true even if it isn't.

[The ladies react with anger having realised that they've been exploited by a pervert]

Janitor

OH, YOU LOVED IT. YOU LOVED IT!

Clip 4

Malcolm. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. And follically challenged, too. He's the butt of many a joke. If he asked his doctor for something to keep his hair in, the doctor would give him a bag!

Malcolm

Well, well, well. If it isn't Hollywood and the Squares!

Lenny Feder

Hey, Malcolm. I didn't know you worked at K-Mart. And, apparently, the hair on top of your head didn't know it, either!

Malcolm

WHAT?!

Eric Lamonsoff

Do me a favour, go like this...

[He bends over to show MALCOLM the top of his head]

I think I've got something in my teeth!

Malcolm

WHAT?!

Kurt McKenzie

You know, next time, you should use that Chia Pet stuff on your whole head!

Malcolm

WHAT?!

Lenny Feder

Why is Higgins buying OJ's knife, right now?

Higgins

[Audible in the background]

Think you're tough?

Kurt McKenzie

Hey, Malcolm... is that the knife the Indians used to half-scalp you with?

Malcolm

I don't even get that. WHAT?!

Lenny Feder

Oh, come on... let's cheer him up. Benny Hill style.

[The trio begin to slap MALCOLM'S head]

Clip 5

Braden is the new boy in class. Well, I say "boy" but he's a giant. And Greg and Ronnie can't help but be sycophantic to avoid what they perceive to be an inevitable beating.

Greg Feder

Is your Dad Marcus Higgins?

Ronnie Mackenzie

Yeah, I've known him since I was a baby. He's the funniest.

Greg Feder

The best. Great, great man.

Braden

I'm gonna smash his face.

Ronnie Mackenzie

Yeah, me too.

Greg Feder

Yeah, HATE that guy.

Ronnie Mackenzie

Screw him!

Clip 6

A "Burp Snart" is a badge of honour. Not to be confused with a "Burp Shart" which is a totally different (and extremely unpleasant) occurrence. Enjoy.

Eric Lamonsoff

Hey, hang on, I... I... I... I... got a burp snart comin'.

Lenny Feder

Uh oh!

Eric Lamonsoff

[Burps, sneezes and farts in rapid succession]

Clip 7

Lenny has just met Tommy Cavanaugh at his daughter's ballet recital. Tommy was a school bully. And now he looks like a WWE wrestler. Which is ironic because he's played by Steve Austin!

Lenny Feder

I was one inch away from knocking that guy out. I swear to God.

Becky Feder

No, you weren't!

Lenny Feder

This is grown up talk, so BUTT OUT!

Becky Feder

[Blows a raspberry at her father]

Clip 8

Lenny has managed to break Keithie's leg trying to turn him into a Kicker. His wife is, frankly, less than amused. And Keithie isn't too impressed, either!

Lenny Feder

So, the leg's not really broken, huh?

Doctor

No, it is broken. Right here.

[He points to an x-ray image on a lightbox of the displaced transverse fracture to KEITHIE'S tibia]

Lenny Feder

Just a... a hairline fracture, though.

Doctor

No, it's... it's a clean break.

Lenny Feder

Slight, though.

Doctor

Slight? No. It's broken.

Lenny Feder

Broken broken or just... broken?

Doctor

It's a broken leg.

Nurse

What was once one bone is now two half bones.

Lenny Feder

Right. Is there anything you can do about my wife staring at me?

Doctor

Uh, no. I'm not a psychiatrist.

Lenny Feder

So, you're saying my wife is crazy?

Doctor

No, no. I was joking.

Lenny Feder

Like you were when you said his leg is broken.

Doctor

Look... your son... is going to be wearing that cast... the entire summer. If you don't mind, I haven't slept in sixty-eight hours.

Lenny Feder

So, you're a little loopy from lack of sleep and that really isn't my son's bone... that's a piece of celery you've snapped.

Roxanne Feder

Lenny, the leg is broken. Está rota...

[She shouts at him in Spanish]

You can't undo this. And you lied to me. So you're gonna pay for it.

Lenny Feder

Doctor. Wouldn't it be nice if there was a cure for anger?

Doctor

There is. It's called Jack Daniels.

Lenny Feder

Hmm. Another one of your jokes, huh?

Doctor

I wish.

[He opens a hip flask and swigs from it]