16 MP3 Audio clips from Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009)

PLAY ALL 16 CLIPS

Clip 1

I must have lived a pretty sheltered life because I know LOADS of euphemisms for a lady's... you know... front bottom. But I've never heard one referred to as a "vagine" before.

Narrator

No-one could defeat her, save one man. A Baron, away for decades fighting in the Crusades. Upon his return, the Baron found that Carmilla's desires had ensnared his beautiful wife, Eva and turned her into a lover of the "vagine."

Clip 2

Carmilla. She's evil. She's bloodthirsty. And she's about to lose her head. Literally. The Baron is about to lop her fu*king head off. Go, Baron!

Narrator

Carmilla laid down a curse most vile.

Carmilla

As you strike me down, so you shall release the evil within me onto your daughters and your daughter's daughters. And I shall not rest until your bloodline is ended. I will know your breed by these marks above your heart -

Narrator

And with that... he lopped her fu*king head off.

Clip 3

If you don't like children and you have a tendency to punch people when they "mess with your sh*t", it's probably best to consider any career OTHER than a children's entertainer.

Ms Rossi

I'm not happy, Fletch.

Fletch

I'm trying my best, Ms Rossi.

Ms Rossi

Yep, well your best just isn't good enough.

Fletch

What more do you want me to do?

Ms Rossi

I don't know but this has to be the end of the line.

Fletch

What? What did I do wrong?

Ms Rossi

You punched him in the face.

Fletch

You know what I get like when people mess with my sh*t. He had it coming.

Ms Rossi

He was seven. You're a children's clown.

Fletch

Seven's old enough to know not to go messing with my sh*t.

Ms Rossi

Fletch, you punched a child!

Fletch

He was spraying me in the balls with my own seltzer bottle. What was I supposed to do?

Ms Rossi

Not hit him is what you were supposed to do.

Fletch

Well, then he shouldn't be spraying on my ball sac! It was only a tap.

Ms Rossi

You gave him a bloody nose.

Fletch

Look at me! I look like I've p*ssed myself.

Ms Rossi

Christ, Fletch. I don't know why you do these things.

Fletch

I guess I just don't like kids.

Ms Rossi

You're fired.

Clip 4

Jimmy has a ten point plan for winning back his psycho-b**ch ex-girlfriend, Judy. But he doesn't get very far through vocalising the plan before Fletch points out of the error of his ways.

Jimmy

Number one... take her on holiday.

Fletch

Stop there. That's just fu*king stupid.

Jimmy

Just the two of us, on our own. We can talk -

Fletch

On your own? Like when you went to Faliraki? And she dumped you? And banged that lanky water-ski instructor with the highlights and the shark's tooth necklace?

Jimmy

She didn't dump me. She told me she was just... confused.

Fletch

Yeah, not that confused she couldn't figure out where to put his c*ck, clearly!

Jimmy

Oi, that's my bird you're talking about.

Fletch

No. No it isn't. Not any more.

Clip 5

So it's been decided that Jimmy and Fletch should go on holiday together. A lad's holiday. Question is, where should they go?

Jimmy

I dunno... where do you suggest we go?

Fletch

Ibiza! Sea, sand, clubs and fanny. Lots and lots of fanny. Loads and loads of fanny. A gargantuan amount of vagine. All wanting to shag you, Jimmy McLaren, and if there's a few stragglers hanging around who fancy a little go on me, then so be it.

Jimmy

I can't. I'm skint.

[For any American visitors, remember that what YOU call a fanny isn't what we in the UK call a fanny.]

Clip 6

Having admitted to Fletch that he's broke, Jimmy has an idea for a holiday which won't cost a fortune. A holiday that surely EVERY man would want to go on with his best mate. Except me. Hiking? No!

Jimmy

I've got a plan.

Fletch

Does it involve girls?

Jimmy

It's cheap.

Fletch

Yeah... does it involve girls?

Jimmy

Let's... go... hiking.

Fletch

[Laughs]

That... is one of the most depressingly sh*tty ideas for a holiday I've ever heard in my life, ever.

Jimmy

It's a great idea.

Fletch

You're a penis!

Clip 7

One of the duo is pretty hyped to be in the countryside on a hiking holiday. The other isn't so keen. Can you spot which is which?!

Jimmy

Get that. Country air. Nothing like it.

Fletch

Smells like normal air with cow sh*t in it.

Jimmy

Exactly. Nothing like the all-pervading stench of faeces to take your mind off your troubles.

Clip 8

Fletch and Jimmy have just witnessed four gorgeous girls leave The Baron's Rest and jump into a VW camper van. Fletch is optimistic that more hotties are waiting inside.

Fletch

These small, rural places are renowned for breeding the créme de la créme of the finest female form. It's the fresh air, innit? They go a bundle for city boys like you and me. Well impressive we are, mate. I guarantee this place'll be wall to wall with fine, young, rosy-cheeked English country maidens like that lot but even dirtier.

[FLETCH throws open the door of the pub only to find a smattering of elderly, ruddy-cheeked farmers occupying the bar]

Jimmy

[Quietly, to FLETCH]

It's like some sort of medieval gay bar!

Clip 9

Having realised that The Baron's Rest is, basically, a sausage-fest, Fletch gives Jimmy some advice and Jimmy, in turn, confesses his darkest fear.

Fletch

Keep it together, mate. Keep it together.

Jimmy

I'm just a bit worried I'm gonna get raped!

Clip 10

Fletch and Jimmy have caught up with the gorgeous girls in the camper van and it's time to select one each to be the recipient of their manly charm.

Fletch

Right. Which one do you want, then?

Jimmy

I hadn't thought about it.

Fletch

Oh, you are such a fu*king ponce, James. Which one do you fancy? Which one do you like the most? Just answer the question.

Jimmy

All right, then... Lotte. She seems... really nice and friendly.

Fletch

Mm-hmm.

Jimmy

And it's like... she's got this pure spirit.

Fletch

Mm-hmm.

Jimmy

She's just really sweet. She's got the prettiest eyes. Like looking into bottomless pools. And you?

Fletch

Trudi. Massive tits, never speaks.

Clip 11

Anke and Trudi have ventured outside of the cottage to find the toilet. They've been gone ages. So long, in fact, that Lotte becomes concerned.

Lotte

Why are they taking so long?

Fletch

She's probably just having a massive sh*t.

Clip 12

Lotte, Jimmy and Fletch are trapped outside and surrounded by Lesbian Vampires.

Lotte

Vampires.

Jimmy

Vampires?

Fletch

Vampires?

[A vampire appears behind FLETCH]

Vampire

Lesbian Vampires!

Fletch

Nice one!

Clip 13

Judy (Jimmy's psycho-b**ch, on and off but now ex-girlfriend) has showed up unexpectedly having used Jimmy's phone to track him down. Just what they need.

Judy

What the HELL is going on?

Jimmy

What are you doing here?

Judy

Something was chasing me.

Lotte

Vampires.

Judy

What?

Fletch

Yep. Lesbian Vampires.

Judy

How ridiculous!

Fletch

No. Just another one of God's cruel tricks to get on my tits. Even dead women'd sooner sleep with each other than get with me, it would appear. But eating me alive? Oh no, that's fine.

Judy

[Incredulously]

Lesbian Vampires?!

Fletch

Next time, he'll have me bummed by a big, gay werewolf, I swear!

Clip 14

Judy having turned out to be a vampire and Jimmy having beheaded her with a fire axe, it falls to Fletch to provide his friend with some comforting words and man-to-man advice.

Fletch

Probably best you remember her the way she was, mate. A complete fu*king b**ch!

Clip 15

The Vicar and Fletch are having to raid the crypt of the Baron to retrieve his "special" sword with which the vampires can be slain and the curse finally lifted.

Vicar

What's so funny in there?

Fletch

[Laughs hysterically]

It's got a big metal c*ck for a handle!

Vicar

Grow up!

Fletch

We're gonna go there and we're gonna die. Right? All because you insist some sword with a metal c*ck on the end can save the world?

Vicar

Son, you're a disgrace.

Clip 16

It's seconds out and time for the final push. It's down to Jimmy and Fletch to rid Cragwich of the blight that is the lesbian vampire swarm. And they have the right tool for the job.

Jimmy

Mate, that sword's got a c*ck for a handle.

Fletch

I know. It's funny innit? Althought, apparently, it's the only thing that'll destroy that psycho b**ch. It's very powerful and very ancient.

Jimmy

And sort of gay.

Fletch

So get your own fu*king sword!