10 MP3 Audio clips from Bad Santa (2003)

PLAY ALL 10 CLIPS

Clip 1

Willie's opening monologue gives you some insight into how he wound up a drunk, belligerent Santa and what he truly thinks of his profession.

Willie

I've been to prison once, I've been married... twice, I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and I had to live in sh*t-ass Mexico for two and a half years for no reason. I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out and I've got a bone-chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal. I've seen some pretty sh*tty situations in my life but nothing has ever sucked more ass than this. If I'd known I was going to have to put up with a bunch of screaming brats p*ssing on my lap for thirty days out of the year, I'd have killed myself a long time ago. Come to think of it, I still might.

Clip 2

The monologue continues. If it weren't so amusing, it would bring you to tears.

Willie

Where I come from, we didn't celebrate Christmas. Not because we were Jewish but because my Dad was a worthless coward fu*king a**hole whose idea of a present was a daily punch to the back of the head. He did teach me how to crack a safe, though. My Dad never did sh*t with his life, so he took it out on me. You could say I'm no different and I'd have to say you were right, but at this point it's too late to start over. Funny how things work out. It's fu*king hilarious!

Clip 3

Don't test Santa, kids. If you somehow believe, deep down inside, that the guy whose lap you're sitting on isn't the real Santa, don't say it. For God's sake, don't say it!

Boy

I saw you at another mall.

Willie

Well, I'm very happy for you.

Boy

You're not really Santa. If you were Santa, you could do magic.

Willie

You wanna see some magic? Here... let's watch you disappear!

[WILLIE bodily shoves the kid off his lap]

Clip 4

Bob Chipeska is starting to question his decision in employing Willie as the store's Santa. He's expressing these doubts to Marcus whilst Willie is still drunk as a skunk.

[WILLIE is, once again, in a drunken stupor and is hearing a conversation between MARCUS and BOB CHIPESKA as though under water. Only the word "performance" brings him back into the room]

Willie

Performance?

Bob Chipeska

Yes, your performance... you know... the, um...

Willie

Performance like sexual?

Bob Chipeska

Excuse me?

Marcus

Willie -

Willie

Are you saying there's something wrong with my gear? Is that what you're saying to me?

Bob Chipeska

I'm sorry... your gear?

Marcus

Willie -

Willie

My fu*k-stick.

[MARCUS elbows WILLIE in the stomach]

Marcus

Hey, Willie... take a seat. You know how your blood sugar is.

Bob Chipeska

He's not going to say fu*k-stick in front of the children, is he?

Marcus

No, no, no! It's a joke. An adult joke. For us. Adults.

Clip 5

Thurman, meet Willie. Willie, meet Thurman. Little did either of them realise what this chance encounter would lead to.

Willie

Marcus, get this kid off me before he p*sses on me, all right?

[THURMAN pulls WILLIE'S elasticated beard away from his face]

Willie

Don't fu*k with my beard.

Thurman

It's not real.

Willie

No sh*t! Well, it was real but, you see, I got sick and all my hair fell out so I have to wear this fu*king thing.

Thurman

How did you get sick?

Willie

I loved a woman who wasn't clean.

Thurman

Missus Santa?

Willie

No, it was her sister.

Thurman

What's it like at the North Pole?

Willie

Like the suburbs.

Thurman

Which one?

Willie

Apache Junction. What the fu*k do you care? Now, get off my lap. You sit there like a fu*king retard...

Thurman

You are really Santa, right?

Willie

No. I'm an accountant. I wear this fu*king thing as a fashion statement, all right?

Thurman

Okay.

Clip 6

Sue has always had a thing for Santa. She puts it down to her father being Jewish and Santa, therefore, being forbidden. But whatever the reason, she wants him in the worst way.

Sue

You're pretty regular for a Santa.

Willie

You know, it's not that big a fu*king deal. It's just a job, you know what I mean? I'm an eating, drinking, sh*tting, fu*king Santa Claus.

Sue

Prove it.

[We cut to an exterior shot of a car, WILLIE and SUE on the backseat, her riding him like a pony]

Sue

Fu*k me, Santa, fu*k me, Santa, fu*k me, Santa, fu*k me, Santa, fu*k me, Santa, fu*k me, Santa, fu*k me, Santa, fu*k me, Santa!

Willie

Can I at least take this hat off?

Sue

NO! I love the hat! I love the hat!

Willie

Okay!

Clip 7

Bob Chipeska has stumbled upon Willie in a changing room, "in flagrante" with a female member of his staff.

[INT: Outside of changing room stall, WILLIE'S legs still in leather boots visible below the door astride a female's legs]

Williie

Oh, Zena! For the love of Mary!

Zena

Keep it goin'.

Willie

Jesus Christ! Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby! You ain't gonna sh*t right for a week!

[Their clandestine encounter continues and we then cut to BOB CHIPESKA'S office where MARCUS and WILLIE are facing some awkward questions]

Marcus

It won't happen again. I can promise you that. Willie here has low blood sugar, that's all.

Clip 8

Funny how an innocent question can be misinterpreted and cause unintentional offence, isn't it? But I guess this question is an occupational hazard for those who pretend to be Santa.

Sue

So... do you like kids?

Willie

Fu*k no! What do you think I'm some kind of pervert or something?

Sue

I just mean because you're Santa Claus!

Clip 9

Thurman is constantly getting bullied. Every time he gets off the bus, his curly blonde hair and obesity makes him an easy target.

Thurman

[Approaches with his underwear pulled up under his armpits from the stellar wedgie he's just been given by the local skateboard kids]

Santa?

Willie

Aww, Jeez... is that your underwear?

Thurman

Part of it.

Willie

Where the hell's the rest of it? No, actually don't tell me. I don't want to know. What do you want?

Clip 10

Willie has turned up late for work very, VERY drunk. He can't even clamber into his chair. He's in no fit state to entertain children.

Willie

I've p*ssed myself.

Marcus

What the fu*k do you think you doin'? You son of a b**ch -

[MARCUS begins punching WILLIE about the neck and body]

Gin

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, come on, come on, come on, come on, look 'eh, hey, hey, come on, come on! Look here, get him out of here. I'll go smooth things over with Chipeska. Tell him it's food poisoning or somethin'.

Marcus

What do you mean, get him outta here?

Gin

Take him to the car.

Marcus

In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a mother-fu*kin' dwarf. So, unless you got a fork-lift handy, maybe you should lend a hand. Hmm?

Gin

See, that figures. You want all kinds of set-aside, special treatment 'cos you're handicapped. You're all the same.

Marcus

Special treatment? I'm three foot fu*kin' tall, you a**hole! It's a matter of physics. Draw me a sketch of how I get him to the car. HUH?!

Gin

B**ch! B**ch! B**ch!

Marcus

Sketch it up, you fu*kin' moron. Fu*kin' Leonardo da Vinci.

Gin

What you call me, thigh high?

Marcus

I called you a giddy homo from the fifteenth fu*kin' century, you d*ckhead.

Gin

I could stick you in my ass, small-fry.

Marcus

Yeah? You sure it ain't too sore from last night?

Gin

You got some lip on you, midget!

Marcus

Well, these lips were on your wife's pu**y last night. Why don't you dust that thing off once in a while? A**hole!