13 MP3 Audio clips from Bad Boys (1995)

PLAY ALL 13 CLIPS

Clip 1

Marcus is eating a burger and fries in Mike's $105,000 car. Mike's not happy about it. Presumably because getting mayonnaise out of a leather interior is going to prove problematic.

Mike

Hey, man, what... what is this having a picnic sh*t in my car, man?

Marcus

Please man, I'm not getting my sex at home. Don't... don't deny me this.

Mike

What are you talking about? You sleep with a beautiful woman every night.

Marcus

I'm married. That's what married means. It means you sleep together but you can't get none.

Clip 2

It gets worse. Because Marcus also has a large soda and nowhere to put it. Because Porsche, apparently, decided that no cup holders were required.

Marcus

Hey, look, where... where... where's your cup holders?

Mike

I don't have one.

Marcus

What the f... what do you mean you don't have one? $80,000 for this car and you ain't got no damn cup holder?

Mike

It's $105,000 and this happens to be one of the fastest production cars on the planet. Zero to sixty in four seconds, baby. This is a limited edition.

Marcus

You damn right it's limited. No cup holder, no back seat, just a shiny d*ck with two chairs in it. I guess we just the balls dragging the fu*k along!

Clip 3

Marcus has committed the sin of dropping a french fry down the side of the passenger seat. And whilst he's trying to retrieve it, two guys try to car-jack them.

Marcus

Yeah, you ain't interested in the damn fry... you all up in that.

Robber

Get out of the car, man.

Mike

Sh*t.

Marcus

What the fu*k?!

Robber

Me and my team have had a big week... so just get the fu*k out of the car.

[The robber on the passenger side of the Porsche is... well, on the large side]

Marcus

Damn, what are you weighing? Three-fifty? I bet you a big Popeye Chicken eatin' mother-fu*ker, ain't you?

Mike

Hey, hey...

Robber

Get the fu*k out -

Marcus

I always got to get the big, thick mother-fu*kers.

Robber

Get out of the car NOW!

Clip 4

It's breakfast time at the Burnett residence and Uncle Mike has shown up. He's a hit with the kids but Theresa won't stand for his shenanigans.

Quincy

Uncle Mike, did you have a date last night?

Mike

Woooooo, did I?! Let me tell you, boy this girl was -

Theresa

Hey hey. Don't you go telling my son none of your sleazy sex stories.

Mike

Aw, no. I only tell your husband my sleazy sex stories.

Marcus

Hey.

Theresa

Well, I don't want him knowing about 'em either. Gives him ideas.

Marcus

Why are you putting me in this, man? I'm with my babies. Okay? Thank you.

Theresa

[Answering the phone]

Hello? No problem.

[She hands the receiver to MIKE]

Mike

Yeah, you're on the mic. with Mike. I... I think you mean to say, "get our asses down there please, Captain." Maybe not.

Clip 5

You've got to love a bit of casual racism. Just because Sanchez and Ruiz are Hispanic, it's assumed (albeit in jest) that they're responsible for the missing heroin.

Marcus

Where were ya'll last night, man?

Mike

Listen, why don't ya'll just have your cousins bring the sh*t back and we can all get some sleep, all right?

Sanchez

We were gonna do that, but you know what happened? We came up with a problem... your mama snorted up all the dope.

Captain

All right, you two get over there.

Clip 6

The architect for the police station's criminal property store lives in a very nice house in a predominantly white neighbourhood. Which Marcus and Mike have just rocked up to.

Mike

Hello?

Marcus

We're your new neighbours.

Mike

Don't be alarmed. We're negroes!

Marcus

No, man. There's too much bass in your voice. That'll scare white folks. You got to sound like them. We were wondering if we could borrow some brown sugar?

Clip 7

Mike is rich. He inherited a sh*t load of money from his family. He drives a nice car, wears nice clothes and has a nice apartment. But that doesn't mean he's playing at being a cop. Hell, no.

Mike

So I'm playing cop now?

Marcus

[Laughs]

Mike

This is a game. I'm just joking around, huh?

Marcus

You always wanted to be Starsky or Hutch.

Mike

You know what, man? I'm so sick of this bullsh*t. What... what, I'm supposed to apologise for my family leaving me money? All I ever wanted to be was a cop. I get up early and I take it to the max every day. I'm the first guy through the door and I'm always the last guy to leave the crime scene so you know what? Fu*k you and fu*k them and fu*k everybody who got a problem with Mike Lowry.

Marcus

I love you, man.

Mike

Fu*k you, Marcus.

Clip 8

These two guys are playing the "blame game" when a shoot-out goes somewhat awry. There's no love lost between them. Clearly!

Criminal #1

How do you miss 'em? Huh? You fat FU*K!

Criminal #2

Hey, watch your fu*kin' mouth will ya?

Criminal #1

Look, lose some weight and you would've caught 'em.

Criminal #2

I'd like to come over and squeeze your little fu*kin' head, you bastard!

Criminal #1

You're in trouble. NOW you're in fu*kin' trouble.

Criminal #2

Did you get the licence plate?

Criminal #1

Yeah, I got the fu*kin' plates.

Criminal #2

You c*ck-eyed fu*k!

Clip 9

After the night Mike's just had, I'm not surprised that he doesn't want to hear Marcus nagging him. In fact, Marcus is lucky he didn't get sucker-punched to be honest.

Mike

I got a dead madam, I got a concussion and I got a real bad headache.

Marcus

You got a headache? Well, let me tell you what I did last night. I had to sleep on my couch. I wake up this morning, I got a Power Ranger stuck up my ass. All right and while we're discussing my ass, I damn-near got it blown off. But guess what the good news is? I got a witness, huh? And let me tell you about this witness -

Mike

Marcus... Marcus... shhhhhhhhhhh!

Clip 10

Theresa isn't wild about the idea of her husband being away and she certainly isn't too keen on Mike providing protection for her and their family.

Marcus

Okay? Mike's going to stay here with you and the kids. Take care of ya'll. Just 'til I come back. That's all.

Theresa

I... who's gonna pick the kids up from daycare and all that stuff? Mike can't do it!

Marcus

Are you listenin' to me, baby? I said Mike -

Mike

You know, I read a book that could probably help ya'll. It was... I saw -

Marcus

Mike. Mike, please, man. Can you go down and have a coke and a smile? Please?

Mike

All right!

Clip 11

Marcus is pretending to be Mike. For Julie's sake. They're at Mike's apartment which is full of photos. Of Mike. Which is a bit weird under the circumstances.

Julie

Hey, Mike. Who's the guy in all the photographs?

Marcus

I, you know... sometimes I don't even look at my... my shelves. I forgot all the pictures was here. That's my partner. Yeah, that's my partner, Marcus Burnett.

Julie

Oh. I've never seen anything like this before.

Marcus

Well I can see how it may throw you a little bit. But you know what? It's a cop thing. Yeah, these pictures are up here for every time he saved my life and it's the same thing with him. You go to his place, it ain't nothin' but pictures of me, Mike Lowry, 'cos it's like a shrine. It's just... just a reminder.

Julie

Oh. 'Cos, I mean when I saw it, you know, it's like... the whole wall, I thought maybe they were, you know, pictures of your lover.

Marcus

Of who?

Julie

I thought, you know, I thought maybe you were gay.

Marcus

[Laughs]

That I was gay? No. No, no, no. No, baby.

Julie

I mean I didn't mean to offend you, you know? It's like... okay to be homosexual, Mike.. you know -

Marcus

No. You... you... you... you're not listening. It's not registering. Okay? Believe me. Did you sleep in the bed? You didn't feel the dents? Yeah, the dents come from all that. That's how I gets down. Okay?

Julie

Oh that's... that's sweet.

Marcus

[Incredulously]

Gay?!

Clip 12

Mike is on the phone to Theresa. Marcus is standing behind him. Which is when Mike decides to have a little fun at his friend's expense.

Mike

No, it'll be ten thirty, eleven o'clock right there... no, no, don't wait up. Don't wait up. I'll be all right.

[THERESA hangs up]

Mike

So, yeah... why don't you rent a movie or somethin'? You know... somethin' we can kick back to. So what you wearin'?

Marcus

MIKE... GIVE ME THE PHONE! GIVE ME THE PHONE. MIKE!

Mike

She hung up. She hung up a long time ago. I was playin'. I was playin'.

Marcus

No. Hello?

Mike

I was playin'!

Clip 13

A shopkeeper is about to make a big mistake. He thinks Mike and Marcus are up to no good. So he pulls his gun, thinking he's John Wayne. No. That's not going to play.

Shopkeeper

HEY, FREEZE... B**CH!

Mike

[Drawing his service pistol and aiming it at the shopkeeper]

You freeze... b**ch!

Shopkeeper

Oh... sh*t! I'm fu*ked.

Mike

Now, back up. Put the gun down. And get me a pack of tropical fruit Bubbilicious.

Marcus

And some Skittles!