10 MP3 Audio clips from Grimsby (2016)

PLAY ALL 10 CLIPS

Clip 1

Pushing a mattress up the stairs isn't easy. Take it from someone who knows. But it might have been easier if I'd had eleven kids to help me.

Nobby

One, two, three... PUSH!

Tsunami

But Dad, I'm out of breath.

Nobby

Yeah, well I told you not to smoke.

Tsunami

I thought you just meant Crack.

Nobby

No. I meant cigarettes, too. At your age, you should just be vaping.

Clip 2

Schlomo Khalidi is a boy in a wheelchair who also has AIDS. He's a worthy ambassador for Worldcure, a charitable organisation headed by actress Rhonda George. His speech is inspiring and touching.

Schlomo

Mummy was Jewish. Daddy was Palestinian. But they both loved each other so very much...

[The crowd applauds and the camera zooms in to show NOBBY watching a football match on his phone]

I was born with HIV. Now I am very sick with AIDS.

Nobby

[Reacting to a goal being scored on the live stream on his phone]

YES! FANTASTIC! YOU ARE NOT COMING BACK FROM THAT!

Lady

Shhhhhhh!

Clip 3

There's been an accident. Nobby hugged Sebastian as he was about to shoot out a remote sentry. His shot went wide. He's now on the run.

Nobby

Can I ask you a question? Are you a Vin Diesel impersonator? Or are you a hitman who specialises in kids with AIDS?

Sebastian

I'm a secret agent. I work for an off-shoot of MI6.

Nobby

How can you not tell your own brother what you do?

Sebastian

Because within the title of my occupation is the word secret.

Nobby

But if you can't trust family, who can you trust?

Sebastian

Trust you? TRUST YOU?! Because of you, the head of the World Health Organisation is dead and Harry Potter has AIDS. You managed to do in three seconds what Voldemort failed to do in eight movies!

Clip 4

To make up for it all, Nobby has got Sebastian a present. Sebastian COULD be more grateful to be honest. But he's not. Absolutely not.

Nobby

I forgot to mention. I got you a present.

Sebastian

What?

Nobby

Two tickets for me and you to go to Chile to see England play in the final.

Sebastian

How do you know if England are going to be in the final?

Nobby

Well, they'd better be because I just got this done.

[NOBBY lifts his shirt to reveal a tattoo which reads ENGLAND WORLD CHAMPIONS 200016]

Sebastian

That says two hundred thousand and sixteen.

Nobby

No. It says two thousand and sixteen.

Sebastian

That's a hundred and ninety eight thousand years from now.

Nobby

Well in that case I got two zeros for free so who's the idiot?

Clip 5

Dawn has just returned home. Nobby is pleased to see her. VERY pleased to see her. And bear in mind that Sebastian is witness to ALL of what follows.

Nobby

Oh!

Dawn

Hiyah!

Nobby

Is that the love of me life, Dawny?

Dawn

Is that my darling Nobby?

Nobby

I'm back.

Dawn

I missed you so much.

Nobby

Me, too.

Dawn

Right... kids, out. Out!

Nobby

Out. Listen to your Mum. Out quick!

Dawn

I've got something very important that I... I need to tell your Dad.

Nobby

What is it?

Dawn

I lost me panties.

Nobby

You sure your ass hasn't eaten them again?

Dawn

No, you daft twat. I didn't put any on.

Nobby

Oh! I'm getting stiffer than a paedophile at Legoland.

Dawn

[Falls seductively into an armchair and opens her legs]

Oh look! I'm exactly like Sharon Stallone in Basic Instincts.

[A fart is heard]

Don't worry. That didn't come out me bum.

Nobby

Oh.

[Another fart is heard]

Dawn

But that one did.

Nobby

No problem.

Dawn

Get over here. I know you must be gagging for it.

Nobby

Aye.

[He lowers himself on top of DAWN and they begin to kiss]

Nobby

Hey.

Dawn

What?

Nobby

I'm hungry for a Grimsby breakfast.

Dawn

Well, the buffet is open.

Nobby

I'll need a table for one.

Dawn

It's all you can eat.

Nobby

See you in about sixty minutes.

[NOBBY goes down on DAWN as SEBASTIAN stands there incredulously watching]

Clip 6

There's been a shoot-out. But bullets weren't the only projectiles aimed at Sebastian. He's got two poisoned darts embedded in his flesh. And time is running out.

Sebastian

NOBBY!

Nobby

What?

Sebastian

Get over here.

Nobby

What is it?

Sebastian

I need you to suck this wound in my shoulder.

Nobby

No, no, no, I... I don't put my lips on another man's shoulder. It's very gay.

Sebastian

Do it now.

Nobby

People have been chucked out of Grimsby for ordering a vegetarian breakfast.

Sebastian

That pellet was filled with Lonomia caterpillar toxin. I'll be dead in ninety seconds if you don't suck it out.

Nobby

Oh, okay. Okay. Okay!

[He begins to suck the toxin out of his brother's shoulder]

Sebastian

Suck hard! That's it. Don't swallow the poison. And now spit it out.

[NOBBY spits out the toxin]

Sebastian

Well done.

Nobby

Praise the Lord. I thought I'd lost you, brother. I love you so much.

Sebastian

Nobby.

Nobby

What?

Sebastian

I've been hit somewhere else.

Nobby

Where?

[The shot widens to reveal a second green-flighted dart stuck in SEBASTIAN'S genitals]

Nobby

I... I'm not falling for that one. NO WAY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY... WHY ARE YOU TAKING THOSE OFF?

Sebastian

The toxin's coursing through the left lobule of my teste. Up the spermatic plexus to my kidneys. SUCK IT!

Nobby

Woah! As Jesus said, "thou shalt not suck off your own fu*king brother!"

Sebastian

Do it! Or I'll be dead in sixty seconds.

Nobby

I've been searching for you for almost thirty year. I could've found you in two minutes on Grindr!

Sebastian

Choose. You can suck my scrotum or you can let me die.

Nobby

Okay. What would you like written on your gravestone?

Sebastian

SUCK MY BALLS!

Clip 7

Don't ask me HOW both Sebastian and Nobby have ended up taking refuge in an elephant's vagina. Just know that one horny elephant has already had his way with them and now...

[NOBBY peers out of the elephant's "lady garden" to check that the coast is clear]

Nobby

Oh no.

Sebastian

What? What is it?

Nobby

[Seeing a line of male elephants approaching]

It's an elephant bukkake party!

[The cramped space is yet again invaded by an elephant penis]

Nobby

Get it out! It's breaking me a**hole!

Sebastian

Not much longer now. Brace yourself

[The elephant ejaculates]

Nobby

Aarrrrgggghhhh!

Clip 8

It's a show-down between Nobby and a gangster charged with killing him. But Nobby's British. And he's not going down without a fight. He's going down DURING one.

Nobby

Are you gonna shoot me?

Gangster

No. How is it you English football supporters say?

[Laughs]

Oh yes. "You're going to get your bloody head kicked in."

Nobby

Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!

[NOBBY finds out very quickly that the gangster is hard enough and he receives an epic kicking]

Clip 9

Nobby needs the England fans to invade the pitch so that he can avoid security and detain Rhonda George before she can unleash the deadly virus.

Nobby

LISTEN UP! THIS IS IMPORTANT. You see that lass over there?

Dawn

What... Sharon Osbourne?

Nobby

No. She's gonna release this deadly virus. And it's gonna kill poor people like us. Because she thinks that we are scum.

Pete

Bloody hell, Nobby... we are scum.

Nobby

What? Well, you are Pete. You're a registered sex offender. And that's not a compliment.

Clip 10

Rhonda George didn't expect to meet her match in a small boy armed only with a pool ball in a condom.

Boy

Excuse me, miss?

Rhonda George

Yes?

Boy

Go fu*k yourself!

[He uses the pool ball with devastating effect and knocks her unconscious]