17 MP3 Audio clips from Weird Science (1985)

PLAY ALL 17 CLIPS

Clip 1

So it starts. Devoid of female attention, the pair decide to create a simulation of a girl on Wyatt's computer. A bit like Siri. Only wearing panties and a short top which barely covers her breasts.

Gary

No, I'm not talking about digging up a dead girl, Wyatt. I'm talking about your system, idiot... your computer. Okay, look... you know how you're always talking about how you can simulate all that stuff on your computer? You know? What's the difference? Why can't we simulate a girl?

Wyatt

I don't know, I... I guess I could but why? It's two-dimensional, on the screen, it's... it's not flesh and blood, Gary.

Gary

I know that but we can... we can use it, Wyatt. We can ask it questions. We can... we can put it in real live sexual situations and see how it reacts. You know? Real sick, demented sh*t, you'd love it!

Clip 2

Lisa v1.0 is underway. The boys have to choose a suitable size for her breasts. Wyatt goes large. Gary is more conservative.

Gary

Very nice.

[With a few keystrokes, WYATT begins to expand the breasts until they fill the screen]

Gary

I'm telling you, Wyatt. If there's one thing I know, it's female stats. I mean, anything bigger than a handful, you're risking a sprained tongue. You know, and...

Wyatt

Yeah.

Gary

Yeah.

[The breasts are returned to a more "normal" size]

Perfect.

Clip 3

They've gone too far. They've hooked up a doll on an altar to the computer, lit candles and Gary is starting to chant.

Gary

[Chants gibberish]

Wyatt

Uh, Gary? By the way... why are we wearing bras on our heads?

Gary

Ceremonial.

Clip 4

Lisa is real. She's alive. ALIVE! And she's taken Gary and Wyatt to a bar where they don't feel entirely comfortable with the clientelle.

Lisa

Well, maybe you'd feel better if you just got out there and mingled.

Gary

We don't mingle, okay?

Lisa

Well, maybe you'd be more comfortable if I invited all these people back to your house and we could all mingle there?

Gary / Wyatt

We'll mingle!

Clip 5

One of the bar patrons has poured Gary a generous measure of Blind Dog Bourbon. Gary is reluctant to indulge.

Gary

Uh, what's this, sir?

Bar Patron

Drink it!

Gary

[Clears his throat]

Um, that's a very sweet thought of both of you gentleman but I really don't -

[His protest is cut short by the bottle being slammed down onto the table]

- until now! See you guys in the emergency room, huh?

Dino

Hello, pretty lady. Tell me something. What's a beautiful broad like you doing with a malaka like this, huh?

Lisa

It's purely sexual.

Dino

No sh*t!

Gary

She's into malakas, Dino.

[Laughter erupts]

Dino

She's into malakas! Do you believe that?

Clip 6

Wyatt is driving. He doesn't even have a licence. Gary is drunk. Obliterated. Lisa is riding shotgun.

Gary

Oh sh*t!

[WYATT loses control of the car and it skids wildly out of control]

I hate that, boy! I always hated that sh*t! I never listen to it! I hate this car! I hate it!

Lisa

Are you okay?

Gary

Well, my nuts are halfway up my ass, but other than that, I'm perfect!

Clip 7

Chet. He's a real a**hole. He also happens to be Wyatt's older brother. Which is bad news for Wyatt.

[CHET grabs WYATT by the collar, pushes him backwards and slams him into a wall]

Chet

Here's the bottom line, Wyatt. I'm telling mom and dad everything. I'm even considering making up some sh*t.

Wyatt

All right, Chet, name your price.

Chet

$175 and zero cents, cash. New bills, crisp and clean, in my wallet by 7am.

Wyatt

Thank you.

Chet

Hey, what are big brothers for?

Clip 8

Wyatt is helping Gary up the stairs because, well... Gary can't walk. He's that drunk. And waiting for them on the landing is Chet.

Chet

The boozehounds return. What a joke! Hi, girls! Feeling kind of queasy? How about... a nice greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray?!

Clip 9

Wyatt is wearing Lisa's panties. He hasn't noticed. But Chet has.

Chet

I like your panties!

[Belches]

Wyatt

It's a joke, Chet. You know, it's all -

Chet

That's not a joke! That is a severe behavioural disorder. Those are women's underpants! I mean, the next thing you know, you'll be wearing a bra on your head.

Clip 10

Lisa is shopping for underwear. Sexy underwear. The elderly store assistant just isn't ready for a customer like Lisa.

Lisa

If you were a fifteen-year-old boy -

Store Assistant

Hmm?

Lisa

- would these turn you on?

Store Assistant

[Naturally repulsed by the question]

Hmm...

Lisa

I think so, too. I'll take them. Uh... do you have a bra to match that? Something in leather or rubber, or barbed wire?

Store Assistant

Give me a break!

Clip 11

You know that first time you introduce a girlfriend to your parents? THIS is how badly that meeting can go. So anything less is a bonus.

Al

Where do you think you're going?

Lisa

[Simultaneously] To a party.

Gary

[Simultaneously] To a movie.

A movie party is what it is, folks. We're going to a movie party.

Lisa

He's such a little liar. No... I've whipped up this nasty little soirée over at his friend Wyatt's house.

Al

Soir... what?

Lucy

Soirée, honey. I think that means, um... party. Party!

Lisa

You know, there's gonna be sex, drugs, rock 'n roll... chips, dips, chains, whips... you know, your basic high school orgy type of thing. I mean I'm not talking candle-wax on the nipples or witchcraft or anything like that... no, no, no... no... just a couple of hundred kids running around in their underwear acting like complete animals.

Lucy

[Shrieks in horror]

Al

ALL RIGHT, GOD DAMN IT. I'VE HEARD ENOUGH. GARY, YOU GET TO YOUR ROOM!

Gary

YES, SIR!

Lisa

No, it's okay. Just sit here. I'll take care of this.

Al

Girly, you get the hell out of here before I throw you out.

Lisa

[Poking AL in the chest to punctuate each sentence]

DON'T THREATEN ME, AL! You're out of shape. I'll kick your ass. I'm gonna make this real easy for you. I'm taking Gary... to a party.

Al

Over my dead body.

Lisa

He's a good kid. He studies hard. You've got no complaints. If anybody should be b**ching, it should be Gary. You ever compliment him on his grades? You ever compliment him on anything?

Gary

HEY! HEY! Look, ma... compliment's embarrassment, you know... dad, you know -

Lisa / Al

[Simultaneously]

SHUT UP!

Lisa

Have you ever wondered how sad it is that your son's only sexual outlet is tossing off to magazines in the bathroom?

Lucy

OH... GARY!

Gary

Ma, I never tossed off... to anything!

Lucy

You told me you were combing your hair!

Gary

But I was! I was! Mom!

Al

Gary, shut up!

Lucy

The water's running all day long...

Al

Shut up!

Gary

I've never tossed off! I've never tossed off!

Lucy

And you wouldn't tell your own mother!

Al

Shut up! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

Clip 12

Well, they've made it to their own party. But Wyatt having a nervous disposition means that they are now in the bathroom whilst Wyatt evacuates his bowels. Nice.

Gary

How's your stomach?

Wyatt

It's a little better.

Gary

If you're gonna float an air biscuit, let me know, okay?

Wyatt

Float a what?

Gary

If you're gonna fart, if you're gonna squeeze cheese let me know, okay? I'll hit the fan.

Clip 13

Max and Ian have arrived at the party and are in need of some alcohol. The barman, however, is not about to take any sh*t from anyone.

Max

Hey, brother! What's happenin' my main man? Right on. Scotch.

Barman

Straight up?

Max

Nah, give me the whole bottle.

Barman

Tell you what... you bend over and I'll shove it straight up your ass.

Max

On the rocks is fine.

Barman

[Laughs]

Yeah, that's what I thought you were gonna say, you jive turkey.

Clip 14

Deb and Hilly have knocked on the bathroom door. Gary has opened the door just enough to conceal the fact that Wyatt is in there, too.

Deb / Hilly

[Simultaneously]

Hi!

Gary

Hi!

Deb

We're sorry. We thought there were just girls in there.

Hilly

I'm sorry.

Gary

Oh, it's just us dudes! You know...

Hilly

What are you doing here?

Wyatt

[From inside the bathroom]

Gary was just taking a sh*t!

Hilly

No, what I meant was...

[GARY closes the bathroom door and slaps WYATT across the face]

Clip 15

Gary has been awoken by Chet with a shotgun. The same shotgun that Chet is now using to crush Deb's nose.

Gary

Um...

Debs

[Groans]

Gary

Chet, Chet, Chet, Chet, Chet... that's her nose. Come on, now look... she has nothing to do with it.

Chet

Okay. You die, she walks out of here with a severe limp!

Clip 16

The house is wrecked. There's an MGM-31 Pershing missile through all three storeys. And speaking of stories...

Chet

So... you guys think you can pull one over on me, huh? HUH?!

[Addressing LISA]

You got everybody synced to the same bullsh*t story.

Lisa

This isn't bullsh*t. This is a Pershing missile, Chip.

Chet

It's Chet. My name is Chet. And I didn't think it was a whale's d*ck, honey.

Clip 17

It's just Chet and Lisa now. Time to get to the bottom of what's been happening. Time to chew the fat. Iron it all out. Lisa can hardly wait.

Chet

Lady? I want to get to the bottom of this ASAFP.

Lisa

Oh, so do I.

Chet

But first I'd like to... butter you muffin.

Lisa

Why do you have to be such a wa*ker?

Chet

Because I get off on it.