16 MP3 Audio clips from Blade: Trinity (2004)

PLAY ALL 16 CLIPS

Clip 1

Long before we are introduced to his character, Hannibal King, Ryan Reynolds provides the first words of the script as the opening titles roll.

Hannibal King

[Providing narration during the opening titles]

In the movies, Dracula wears a cape. And some old English guy always manages to save the day at the last minute with crosses and holy water. But everybody knows that movies are full of sh*t.

Clip 2

The Simpsons were credited with predicting that Donald Trump would become President. But they weren't alone. No. The screenwriter of Blade: Trinity managed it too!

Doctor Vance

I know this must be very frightening for you. But I want you to know that I'm here to help. In order for me to do that, I'm gonna have to ask you a couple of questions. Okay?

[BLADE doesn't respond but DOCTOR VANCE continues undeterred]

Can you tell me what day it is?

[Again, BLADE doesn't respond]

How about the President? Do you know who's in the Whitehouse right now?

Blade

An a**hole.

Clip 3

Blade has been taken back to Nightstalkers HQ. He's curious as to how their entire operation is funded. Hannibal can't help but throw in a funny response.

Hannibal King

Welcome to the Honeycomb Hideout.

Blade

How do you bankroll this operation?

Hannibal King

I date a lot of older men. Come on, man, I'm joking.

Clip 4

Again, Hannibal just can't help himself. If he HAS a middle name, it would have to be Sarcasm. Hannibal "Sarcasm" King. Yeah.

Hannibal King

We call ourselves the Nightstalkers.

Blade

[Scoffs]

Sounds like rejects from a Saturday morning cartoon.

Hannibal King

We were going to go with the Care Bears but, uh... that was taken.

Clip 5

Blade and the Nightstalkers have just made a giant dent in Asher Talos' day. Their plans didn't quite, well... go to plan and Drake isn't a happy vampire bunny.

Asher Talos

We got caught with our pants down.

Jarko Grimwood

Pants down? They pretty much fu*king ass-raped us!

Danica Talos

Oh, you loved it!

Clip 6

Danica Talos. She's not your ordinary vampire. Because, according to Hannibal King, her fangs are located not in her mouth... but in her... lady garden.

Hannibal King

You know the kind of woman that just screams trouble? You see her and every warning bell in your brain starts going off. But you still... manage to ask for her number. Well, that's all I ever hook up with. But this Betty, whoa... she blew them all away in the sh*tstorm sweepstakes. Her name is Danica Talos. You met her earlier. And unlike typical vampires, her fangs are located in her vagina. Moving on...

Clip 7

Drake has wandered into a vampire-themed store. Not sure what he was hoping for but I'm pretty sure vampire-shaped vibrators and plastic fangs weren't on his shopping list.

Shop Girl

Was there... something special you needed?

Shop Man

Hey, guy. She's talking to you.

[DRAKE doesn't like his attitude and approaches the counter, menacingly]

What? You wanna kiss me, pretty boy?

[He leaves the store, involuntarily, through the plate-glass window]

Clip 8

Hedges. He's an über geek. But, apparently, he's been laid many times. With ladies. 'Cos that's how anyone who isn't still a virgin would say that, right?!

Hannibal King

We're still trying to sort out fact from fiction when it comes to Dracula. Turning into mist? Kinda doubt it. But general shape-shifting? Maybe.

Hedges

Not into a bat or a wolf or anything like that, but, another human, uh, with practice, could be possible. Because he wouldn't have a... a traditional skeletal structure. Something more like a snake's, with thousands of, uh, tiny bones, and...

Hannibal King

I have a... I have a question about that, Hedges. Have you ever been laid?

Hedges

Many times... with ladies.

Clip 9

Sometimes people need advice. Sometimes people want advice. And sometimes, you should take your advice and shove it where the sun don't shine. Isn't that right, Hannibal?

Hannibal King

You know, at some point, you... uh, you might wanna consider sitting down with somebody. Y'know? A little share time? Kick back, get in touch with your inner child, that sort of thing? Also... just a thought... but you might wanna consider blinking once in a while.

[BLADE stops walking and turns to look at HANNIBAL]

I'm sorry. I, uh... I ate a lot of sugar today.

Clip 10

Chief Vreede is corrupt. Publicly, he denounces the existence of vampires. But behind the scenes, he's heavily involved in a plant harvesting blood from kidnapped hobos. THAT'S how corrupt.

Blade

Now, what's behind door number one?

Chief Vreede

Can't tell you. They'll... they'll kill me.

Blade

Kill you, mother fu*ker? I'll kill you. I'll just enjoy it better.

Clip 11

Hannibal is being introduced to a vampiric Pomeranian. It has way too many teeth. Attached to way too many articulated jaws.

Hannibal King

JESUS... CHRIST! WHAT THE FU*K?

Jarko Grimwood

Good dog.

Hannibal King

WHAT THE FU*K?

Jarko Grimwood

[Laughs]

His name's Pacman. We've been putting the vampire gene into other species. Experimenting.

Hannibal King

You made a goddam... vampire Pomeranian?

Jarko Grimwood

Precious isn't he?

Hannibal King

Well, that depends who you ask because, clearly, this dog has a bigger d*ck than you.

Jarko Grimwood

And when the fu*k did you see my d*ck, fu*k-face?

[He slams HANNIBAL hard enough to make his teeth rattle]

Hannibal King

Ow!

[Nodding towards DANICA]

I was talking to her!

Clip 12

I bet he says that to ALL the girls. Which explains why he's single, I guess.

Hannibal King

How about you take a sugar-frosted FU*K... off the end of my d*ck?

Clip 13

I'd never thought about this before. But if vampires are allergic to garlic and you ate a sh*tload of it and then farted... No. Probably not. No.

Danica Talos

Tell us about Blade, King. What's this weapon he's been planning?

Hannibal King

I can tell you two things. One, your hairdo... is... ridiculous. Two, I ate a lot of garlic... and I just farted. Silent but deadly.

[Again, his sarcastic humour earns him another beating]

Clip 14

A "c*ck-juggling thunderc*nt". I mean, I don't like the "c-word" but sometimes, in certain circumstances, it can be justified. Like here, for example. Perfectly acceptable.

Danica Talos

ENOUGH! It's not funny any more.

Hannibal King

I know it's not, you horse-humping b**ch. But it will be a few seconds from now. See, that tickle that you're feeling in the back of your throat right now?

[ASHER, JARKO, and DANICA start coughing]

That's atomized colloidal silver. It's being pumped through the building's air conditioning system, you c*ck-juggling thunderc*nt!

Clip 15

For the second time, Hannibal is meeting the vampiric Pomeranian. Only this time, he's not alone. He's brought his larger German cousins with him.

Hannibal King

[As the Pomeranian comes around the corner]

Fu*k me!

[The Pomeranian is joined by two Rottweilers]

Oh fu*k me... sideways!

Clip 16

Hannibal is sick of being chained up and tortured. He's not that sort of a guy. He's just not into it.

Hannibal King

Y'see, when one of us goes missing... the others, they just dial up the satellite... which is in space. And then, Presto! Instant cavalry.

Asher Talos

[Claps sarcastically]

Hannibal King

You like that, huh?

[Laughs]

Go fu*k your sister!