16 MP3 Audio clips from Coming 2 America (2021)

PLAY ALL 16 CLIPS

Clip 1

You remember the last time we saw Imani Izzi, right? Standing on one leg, barking like a dog. Well, thirty years later, she's still doing that!

Akeem

Why have you come here, General?

General Izzi

Thirty years ago, you left my sister at the altar.

Semmi

Here we go!

General Izzi

Now look at she...

[Imani Izzi appears, hopping on one leg and barking like a dog; just as Akeem left her all those years ago]

Clip 2

So, if Akeem has only ever lain with Lisa, how can he have a bastard son? Well, it seems that Semmi can explain.

King Jaffe Joffer

You have a son, Akeem.

Baba

A bastard son.

Akeem

That is impossible. The only woman I have ever lain with is Lisa. Father, I did not sow my royal oats.

King Jaffe Joffer

Semmi!

Semmi

Hmm?

King Jaffe Joffer

Tell Akeem the truth at once.

Semmi

Remember in Queens, night after night, you were looking for the perfect woman?

Akeem

Yes.

Semmi

Well, I too was... how can I say this? I was looking for the perfect vagina. Or any vagina.

Clip 3

Blissfully unaware of his royal lineage and his birth-right to the throne of Zamunda, Lavelle is interviewing for a job with Duke & Duke.

Calvin

I noticed here, under education, that... did it say that you... you didn't graduate college?

Lavelle

Well, yeah, see, I was three credits short from getting my, uh, business degree, but then my mom got laid off, and, uh, you know, I had to, uh, drop out to help with the rent.

Calvin

She addicted to drugs or...

Lavelle

What?

Calvin

She have gambling issues or...

Lavelle

No, man.

Calvin

Pops, uh, in the picture or...

Lavelle

My dad was not in the picture.

Calvin

Ah. You know, I went to boarding school, so there were months where I didn't see my parents, except for breaks, and, uh, it can be hard. I mean, I've read a lot of studies that say that not having a dominant male figure at home, it's so detrimental to a child.

Lavelle

Do they say that?

Calvin

Yeah, they say that.

Lavelle

Who?

Calvin

Scientists. Bill Nye did a...

Lavelle

The Science Guy?

Calvin

Your guy, uh, Neil deGrasse Tyson. Do you think that not having that kind of male role model could put you at a disadvantage?

Lavelle

No more of a disadvantage than having a father who handed you your position.

Calvin

"Handed"? I... I was not handed anything.

Lavelle

So you're saying Daddy never donated a building to get you into an Ivy League school?

Calvin

No. Yeah. Well, there was... a small off-campus library.

Lavelle

And Daddy never had to sneak you into an overpriced rehab facility to cover up a cocaine addiction, Calvin?

Calvin

It was oxy, and my mom took me.

Lavelle

Kiss my ass, Calvin. Hey, you know something? You've been judging me since I walked in here. Which sucks because I am so motivated. You know what, I... I just can't wait for them to find blackface photos of you from an office party.

Calvin

I was Will Smith's Aladdin, okay?

Clip 4

My T Cuts still exists. It's still owned by Clarence and the outspoken Saul is still a regular. Well, he's more of a piece of the furniture, really.

Saul

Nazis are back, but now they dress like the Best Buy Geek Squad and they want to kill people. Anybody could be a Nazi. You ever notice that, Prince?

Semmi

Akeem now is an African king.

Clarence

Well, I'll be damned. You got any kids? I got kids. In fact, I got one granddaughter used to be my grandson. They can turn your penis into a vagina now. It's science.

Clip 5

It's been a long time since Akeem last saw Mary. She was riding him like a wild boar back then. She took advantage of a drunk African prince and an unplanned pregnancy was the result.

Mary

Oh, my God. My African. I told you he was gonna come back! Boy, why you ain't tell me you was bringing company? I would've cleaned up. Uh-huh.

Lavelle

So you know this man?

Mary

I definitely know this man. I know this man all the way live. You know, I know this man all up in the crevice.

Akeem

Yes, it's, uh, very good to see you again...

Lavelle

Mary.

Akeem

Mary.

Lavelle

Like the Virgin.

Mary

Oh. Okay, baby. All right.

Woman

Virgin? Not our Mary.

Uncle Reem

She ain't no virgin.

Clip 6

Lavelle has decided to accept what is rightfully his. But he's not about to leave Queens without his mother. No. He and his mom come as a package. Like it or not, she's coming with him.

Akeem

We are only offering to take Lavelle back to Zamunda.

Lavelle

Uh-uh. Ain't happening like that, man. I'm not hopping on some plane, flying across the world without my mother. All right? She coming.

Akeem

So be it.

Mary

So be it.

Lavelle

So be it. I'm-a go pack.

Mary

Okay, baby.

Livia

Hey, Mary, you just gonna leave?

Uncle Reem

Y'all know my PlayStation ain't going nowhere.

Livia

I mean, what about all your stuff?

Mary

It all sucks! Y'all can have it.

Clip 7

General Izzi has just finished up reading a story to the children of his village. Now it's playtime. But not like any playtime we've ever experienced in the West by the sounds of things.

General Izzi

Good class today, children. Okay, go play now. Play with your grenades and your Kalashnikovs. Sifo, don't mess with the sarin. Okay? It is dangerous.

Clip 8

I'm guessing that, like me, Mary has never eaten caviar before. I mean sure, I could afford it but who the hell wants to eat unfertilised fish eggs?

Mary

So, um, is anybody gonna tell me why these mashed potatoes is black?

Lisa

It's caviar.

Mary

It's cava-what?

Lavelle

Caviar, Mom.

Mary

You know, our cousin named that.

Clip 9

Even a King suffers the indignity of being denied by his wife. But, as with most wives, Lisa has a very good reason for not allowing him to... sow his royal oats. She's a fortress tonight.

Akeem

Uh, Lisa, I was, uh, wondering, uh, I just recently returned from a trip that was most tiresome, and I thought maybe, perhaps, if you were in the mood... Yeah, perhaps it was poor timing on my behalf to even suggest such a thing. Good night, my sweet. Uh, s-sweet dreams, my sweet.

Clip 10

Oh, the struggle of being a Zumandan prince. Being bathed daily by three gorgeous, naked women... how will Lavelle ever cope with the immense pressure of life as a royal?

Bathers

Good morning, my prince.

Lavelle

"My prince." I like that.

Bathers

Would you like us to bathe you?

Lavelle

Bathe me? Um... All three of you?

[The BATHERS nod]

Naked?

[The BATHERS nod]

Huh. Okay. All right, well... I'll be... I'll be right back. Ma? Ma!

[He goes running into MARY'S bathroom where she's reclining in an olympic sized sunken bath full of bubbles]

Oh, hey. Hey, hey, look, um... I'm freaking out right now because these three girls, they in my room right now, and they just offered to bathe me.

Mary

Okay, baby, first of all, calm down. Okay? You know we in another country. And you know they have different traditions and customs, the way that they do stuff. You need to roll with it. This is a princely thing. They bathe you, okay?

Lavelle

Yes.

Mary

So be a prince.

Lavelle

"Be a prince."

Mary

Now, you go enjoy that bath.

Lavelle

All right. All right, Ma. Thank you.

Mary

Go get washed.

[No sooner than LAVELLE has left the room, a naked African man rises from the soapsuds in front of MARY]

Male Bather

The royal privates are clean, ma'am.

Mary

Mm. Just one more time, just-just to make sure.

Clip 11

It is time to introduce Lavelle to the Royal Court. Oha, as is customary, is carrying out his duties as Master of Ceremonies.

Oha

Presenting Lavelle Junson of Queens!

[MARY nudges LAVELLE'S leg]

Lavelle

And my moms.

Oha

And his moms.

Clip 12

Lisa isn't particularly happy that Mary has helped herself to a garment from her personal wardrobe. Not at all. But does that really make her "uppity"? Hmm. The jury is out on that one.

Mary

Why your mama so uppity?

Tinashe

What is "uppity"?

Lisa

I am not uppity.

Mary

Uppity b**ch say what?

Lisa

What?

Lavelle

You said it.

Clip 13

Umbajuntoo. Translation: Ceremonial Circumcision. Think of it as a Bris but for African princes. And conducted by an elderly lunatic with what looks like a machete.

Baba

It is time for umbajuntoo.

Crowd

Umbajuntoo! Umbajuntoo!

Lavelle

Uh, what's-what's, uh... umbajuntoo?

Akeem

Ceremonial circumcision.

Lavelle

Ceremonial...

Uncle Reem

That mean they're gonna sharpen your tool, nephew.

Akeem

Hold him.

Lavelle

Hey, yo, ain't got to restrain me. Yo... Hey, Ma, tell 'em we already did this!

Mary

That's okay, baby. We love it here, right? Let them take a little bit off the top.

Baba

These are the foreskins of your forefathers.

Lavelle

Ew.

Baba

Joffer Joffer.

Akeem

Great-great-great-grandfather.

Baba

Jappa Joffer.

Akeem

Your great-grandfather.

Baba

Jaffe Joffer.

Akeem

Your grandfather.

Baba

And King Akeem.

[The final foreskin is the size of a damned onion ring]

Clip 14

You can mess with a man's hair, you can mess with a man's clothes, you can mess with a man's food. But mess with his private jet and he's opening a whole can of whoopass!

Semmi

Prince Lavelle Junson was seen fleeing with the royal groomer. And he took his Uncle Reem and that wretched woman with him, as well.

Akeem

Show respect. She is still the mother of my son.

Semmi

She took the royal jet.

Akeem

That thieving b**ch!

Clip 15

On the eve of his marriage to General Izzi's daughter, Lavelle has realised that his love for his groomer is the real thing and they've eloped to New York to become one for life. Akeem is NOT amused.

Lisa

I finally made a friend from my own hood, and now she's gone. Oh, I'm-a miss her crazy ass.

Akeem

He could've told me about this groomer. But, no, instead he runs off to America without a word to me. It is the most selfish act, unworthy of a Joffer! It is spineless!

Lisa

Like father, like son.

Akeem

What did you say?

Lisa

Uppity b**ch say what?

Akeem

What?

[LISA begins laughing]

Clip 16

You remember Fresh Peaches and Sugar Cube from the original movie, right? The hip-hop girls in the bar? Well, they're back. They're BACK!

Randy Watson

And now, ladies and gentlemen, without any further ado, I give you Fresh Peaches and Sugar Cube!

♪

Fresh Peaches

My name is Peaches,
and I'm the best.
All the DJs want,
to feel my breasts

[The pair begin some pretty awful beatboxing]

Still got the looks,
still got the sass.
Been 30 years,
and I still got ass!

♪